Fifty Shades of Choad: 9er and Baraka do chick lit crit

Add this to the TFP Pay-Per-View shedule right before the main event which is of course " ZombieSquirrel and the underwire bra busting competition".

 

ok, Dave is gone for 24 days, I need entertainment, next 2 chapters NOW!!!

 

Me to, down here in key west and I need something to read.

 

Relevant

Ladies, relax. I'm on it. I've got what you need.

...but I've gotta go grocery shopping first.

Man cannot live on 50 Shades alone.

 

but...I've bitten my bottom lip OFF and one of my eyes rolled out of my head!!

 

You. You're secretly judging me. This is like The Running Man but the crappy smut lit gag review version.

I'll live to see you eat that contract, Baraka. But I hope you leave enough room for my fist...

 

Oy. This is like watching an exceptionally brutal episode of Jackass. "Steve-O, I don't think it's a good idea to dangle your testicles in front of that hungry looking snapping turtle, it mightOH GOD OH MY GOD THAT TURTLE JUST ATE ONE OF STEVE-O'S BALLS!!!!" I'm torn between admiration for such masochism for the amusement of others, and the urge to schedule an intervention or call the authorities before there is any long term damage.

 

And just think... I haven't even arrived at the chapters with the sex yet.

 

Godspeed, 9; you tread where only the very brave or very foolish dare tread.

 

Good thing I'm expendable.

 

Still, you hate to lose a soldier in service as the canary in a mine, especially when you know the mother lode in that particular mine is nothing but a turd.

 

Alright, I told myself I’m not allowed to eat dinner until I finish the next chapter. I’m friggin’ starving.

FOCUS.​

Mood music:



Okay, there’s some serious penis slingin’ in your near future, everybody. And insightful commentary. And Rambo jokes.

Also: I totally want Gary Busey to do the audiobook version of my rockin’ review. What do you guys think?

FOCUS.​

Chapter 8: First Blood

Previously:

Now:

Grey's a little pissed at first. Kinda like an old Looney Tunes episode where the character spends 15 minutes trying to pop half a dozen locks on some big door only to open it and find another door directly behind it. See, he likes the challenge, the game, that build-up to the big opening... but it loses dramatic effect once you're staring at another obstacle right behind it: Unexpected Hymen. One can only imagine it looked a bit like this.

Is Unexpected Hymen on TVTropes.org? I’m too focused lazy to check right now, I’m sure CinnamonGirl will be a doll and look it up for me.

“I’m going to make love to you right now.” “I thought you only fucked hard.” “Pfft, like you’ll be able to tell the difference.”

Grey’s had it with her constant lip biting and decides to take this Bieber-with-a-cherry to the nearest fuck surface and expand her vag-rizons. He says that this action tonight will be her basic training. I was under the impression that unless she was raised in the Bible Belt and received sex ed in rural Texas, she probably understands the basic. Never had face time with a pussy before the night I was allowed to plunge into one, but I figured it out.

“Come, we’re going to rectify this situation right now.” Wrecktify, indeed. Like a bull in a vagina shop.

He pulls her hair to control her face for some suckin'. His passionate kisses leave her feeling like a dental hygienist was just in there. The sweet nothings he whispers are a cross between Wild Bill from Silence of the Lambs and an Enrique iglesias Top 40 song. “Do you have any idea what I’m going to do you? I want you so bad. Oh, what I could do to you.” He takes off his $100k watch… and his $44 Converse sneakers (WTF = brand placement?!). Stripping her down, he gives her a thorough groping through her underwear before taking a knee to sniff her pussy. Thorough foreplay or tuna quality control tactic? Y’all be the judge.

He takes her to bed like every douche in every teen movie you’ve ever seen: the backwards make-out mattress flop. Once aboard the SS Fuckhard, he takes off her Converse—her fucking Converse sneakers. What the fuck is with Converse in this book? I swear, it’s like everybody in this fucking book is wearing Converse sneakers… like those big white gloves all the black and white cartoon characters had back in the day. Jesus, is this like some alternate universe like Demolition Man where Converse won the shoe wars and now everybody wears them because there is literally not a pair of Nikes or Dr. Marten’s to be found? They’re shitty clown shoes from the early 20th century popular because they’re so retro.

Anyway, Grey has her supine and clad only in lingerie when he asks her to masturbate for him. $10 if you bet that she’s never masturbated before either. “I don’t do that.” Uh-huh. That’s just ludicrous. Grey decides he’ll have to teach her how to operate a spoon later as well… since she’s never had soup, too. He fires up the teasing over-the-panty labia kisses and she turns into an early Katy Perry song.

He moves up to her breasts, fondling them and pinching the nipples and probably blowing raspberries on them like maybe she’s a baby or a puppy or something. One thing that gets me about this book is that we have no idea what kind of figure this girl has and thus it could be anybody. Like Bieber. So that’s what I’m guessing. In my mind, this girl has A cups and an ass like two slices of white bread. Hell, I’m pale, a brunette and I’ve got more curves than that. Ugh, you don’t see rich guys buying me undies. Grey continues his assault on her tits until she orgasms. Impressive. I think I was able to make a girl orgasm like that once, but I’m not 100% sure she wasn’t grinding her go button on the bed while I was doing it. Either way, Grey’s going to need to put down some sandbags around his bed to stop the flood. Testing the waters, he slams a finger into her a few times. The author states that it makes a sound like a cartoon dog sticking its head out the window of a fast-moving car. Alright, she’s primed, Christian.

Somewhere in the middle of all that he mentions something about how he's going to fuck her mouth later. Good times ahoy!

“Hymigeddon is nigh!” yells Baraka_Greyru as he yanks off her panties, flings off his underwear (still wearing a button-up shirt, though… Bateman’d!) exposing his “considerable length” for a condom. Let’s say that considerable length to a virgin is 7”. Sadly, I expect the dick talk in this novel to be similar to the level of detail regarding Ana’s body: annoyingly nebulous. Is this dude hung like a Pizza Hut breadstick? A tube of cookie dough? A can of Monster energy drink? A baby’s arm holding an apple? One of those big curved gourds you see used as a Thanksgiving decoration? Hell, does he pass the toilet paper roll test? (NSFW) Important details. Desperate married women appreciate detail, especially when it comes to a dick that is attached to a guy that is at least twice as ridiculously good-looking as their husband. They wanna know how thick, how veiny and whether or not he’s got a helmet lip sturdy enough to make a popping noise on their inner goddess when he pulls out that school bus-sized tool after it makes a few stretch marks from the inside. At least that’s what the crazy art major I banged for a while told me while she handled my painfully average wang.

…I think she gave me complex.​

She looks at his dick, down at her factory-condition thimble, back at his "considerable length." “How will it..?” “Don’t worry, you’ll expand, too.” Aaah, yep, she must have gone to school in the Bible Belt. Of course girl parts are elastic, silly goose! Babies… duh. Otherwise, yeah, it’d be like stuffing a hoagie into a shot glass.

I’ve never really talked to a woman about what it was like to lose her virginity (or had sex with a virgin—praise Jeebus), but I’d imagine the book was close enough… pinching sensation, temporary pain, alien feeling of a really big thumb massaging your innards. His deflowering move isn’t as brutal as I’d hoped given his pushy asshole character. I was expecting her knees up on his shoulders and a single massive backwalling penetration like those giant machines that drop forge the steel heads of carpenter’s hammers. But, yeah, the primary audience of this smut consists of relatively vanilla females and thus this hardened Dominant is giving it to her like a high school boyfriend. This Magic Moment. He builds into a “merciless rhythm” and gives her a second orgasm in what has to be five minutes. He then orgasms, calling her name. Question: Ladies, can you tell when a dude blows a load in a condom?

Christian asks her if she’s okay. She continues gnawing on her lip and asks for another round. Since Grey’s scrotum is basically the magazine to a Gatling gun of orgasms, he immediately reloads. “Mmm, you’re a needy little thing, aren’t you? Round two. Alright, roll over on your stomach, young lady.”

Face down, ass up? I swear to God the amount of dirty men gasping in anticipation at this point caused a tornado somewhere.

She rolls over, he removes her bra to release her elbow slack boobies. She asks him to ditch his dress shirt and he does, revealing a giant Red Dragon tattoo covering his entire back… just as we all expected. He holds her down so she can’t move as he whispers more rapey things and jabs a Jerry Dandridge-length finger into her soon-to-be-sore saddle. He switches to a thumb, swirls and strokes her g-spot before pulling out and stuffing it in her mouth… for a taste of her bloody crotch saliva. She doesn’t realize it at first, then does, and keeps sucking on it anyway like a hungry little piglet.

What do you even call that? Blood play? Guess I’m not into that kinda thing. That’s basically like sucking the juices out of a big ass boil. Anybody have any thoughts on popping a girl’s cherry and thumb-feeding her some of her own delicious crotch blood? It's true that she hasn't yet agreed to the hard limits.

He rolls on another Trojan Extra-Medium and moves into a slow-fuck for her final orgasm of the evening while bouncing his hips on her butt. This girl has to make the female audience jealous with all her orgasms from different activities and positions and with such quick breaks in between the action… I’ve been with a number of women that only orgasm from manual/oral stimulation or only orgasm from certain positions but only one that could orgasm from a strong breeze on her tits. Based on my limited experience, it appears that most women are pretty dead to the world for at least 15 minutes after an orgasm. Just like men. Not too many people are all "Which way did he go, George; which way did he go?!" hyper after sex.

After being fucked stupid and sent into a bliss coma by our brooding hero, Ana passes out and wakes up in bed alone. She wraps herself in a blanket and wanders out to find Schroeder tickling the ivories with a melancholy tune from Bach wearing only pajama pants and a stern brow, each of the 18 bumps on his abs glistening (we can only assume), his hair in that perfect don’t-give-a-shit-still-cost-$120 style. Since Ana is to be kept on the schedule of a bed-wetting 5th grader on a school night, Grey immediately tells her it’s late and that she must get back into bed. Ana goes to paw at his beautiful Mike Rowe-style chest hair only to be rejected as he steps away. Hmm, interesting. Christian dons a shirt before he crawls into bed to cuddle her to sleep. He’s so sweet when he violates his own rules. Talks all hard, then turns into a key-oot wittle huggly-snuggle-wuggins when it comes time to discipline dat ass. Time will tell if he goes all whips 'n chains on this girl down the road or if it's just a lot of impotent 1-900 number talk.

“Christian Grey has a sad side.” Heh, he sure does. It's probably because he really just wanted to hit you with a cane tonight.

Odds that Grey loved the movie Red Dragon: 100%
Odds that his chest is super ticklish and he giggles like a Smurf: 33%
Number of women that rubbed one out reading this shitty review: 2
Number of dudes that rubbed one out accidentally while reading this: 5
Sexual positions used in this chapter: missionary, face down missionary

...

Time to eat. I'm fucking starving.

 

I really wish a rich guy would buy you undies.

 

You're one of the five at the bottom, aren't you? Don't even lie.

 

Sweet Jesus, you are incredible!

Don't know how you do it, but some great paraphrasing.

 

Thanks. It's nice to know that somebody is actually reading this.

And I am aware that I'm slathering the dirty humor on thick here.

Not really a vulgar person in real life, but this thread calls for it.

This is as close as I get to reliving drama club in high school.

Wanted to be an actor. Then realized I had no looks or talent.

 

How does that happen accidentally?

I always masturbate with a purpose.

 

I always charge up Mr Purple before I read one of these posts!!!

 

The TFPers who don't have this thread subscribed are missing out. Not only on the literary review, but on the chance to have someone else read this book for them so they can insult it with more detail to their female co-workers who won't stop talking about it.