Fifty Shades of Choad: 9er and Baraka do chick lit crit

Touché...

 

Im glad to see this idea take shape (I do have the e books, I'd have been happy to send the pdf files to anyone that wanted them lol)

 

Oddly enough, I came across this little nugget yesterday while I was reading about Conan the Barbarian:

SOURCE

 

Easton Ellis has been dream casting it on Twitter.

 

Y'all do know I'd watch a movie with Chris Hemsworth at a sewing bee, so I'd probably even watch him cast in a 'Shades movie.

 

So, yeah, I'd really like to start reading this book so I can make fun of it.

*stares at mailbox with large, glassy eyes*

 

Ewww, I don't think Chris Hemsworth could do a good job with the role at all. He's too muscular, and I don't think he has the finesse the role would require to be done right. That suggestion almost seems as absurd as someone suggesting Justin Timberlake for the role. Also, Christian Grey is supposed to be a redhead! What the fuck are these people thinking? I think Chris Evans could possibly pull it off. I also do kinda like the idea of Wes Bentley, but I don't think he could pull off red hair.

Hmmmmm. My favorite for the role is Xavier Samuel (Xavier Samuel - IMDb). He already showed the kind of range in emotion seen in Christian Grey in his short role in one of the Twilight movies.. the soft "you just killed my puppy" face to the rage-and-then-in-control face. He's also rather attractive.

 

I just want to look at him

 

I read the back of two of the books at work and shuddered just doing that. It was the first book and something with "Freed" in the title. I would try reading some of the first one just to share my thoughts but no way am I paying for it. Not that my opinion means that much as I am obviously not the target audience for these.

 

View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5oUa-3W0BFI&
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Alright, after what was a first world eternity, a package in a plain brown paper wrapper magically appeared.

Baraka_Guru,

What do you say we each read the first 3 chapters and then report our findings? It'll be short and cover the introduction.

I'm going to read the first couple chapters and decide whether or not this book requires alcohol or protective equipment.

Just from flipping through the pages, I've noticed emails frames, inner monologues and the word "sex" about 50 times.

 

I'm scared, Sarge.

 

What's your major malfunction, soldier?
Get crackin'!

 

That was the inspiration for this:


(Of course, some liberties were taken with the dialogue...)

 

Alright, let's get it on:

I'm Plan9... and this is Fifty Shades of Grey.​

Chapter 1:

We learn our college-age heroine basically fell out of a Japanese cartoon: she's uber clumsy yet blurts out every inappropriate thing she thinks and is likely a daddy's girl that once saw some guy named Chad's penis ("Ew, don't call it that.") in the back of a Jetta at a high school party. The fact that she drives a Beetle named Wanda is also revealing and suggests that she also probably owns a papasan chair and masturbates quietly under a quilt while listening to Savage Garden. We also learn that the illustrious Mr. Grey lives, talks and thinks like a Connery-era James Bond villain, hires only “immaculate” Barbie dolls for his staff and is basically a disembodied head that is just so goddamn good looking that it can cause heart attacks in young ladies simply by making the same faces that a baby makes after you spoon some pureed peas into its mouth. The wildly inappropriate sexual harassment tension here is so girly that it makes me wanna reconsider manicures, plucking my eyebrows and the importance of shaving everything below them. Dialogue between the two main characters in this first chapter was hilariously like Steve Carrell’s ask-questions “Do you? Am I?” routine from The 40 Year Old Virgin.



“Be David Caruso in Jade.” Because that’s what women want. This is what I needed to know ten years ago, E.L. James. I could have fucked as many women as World’s King by now with that protip. Be in their face but unavailable... and kind of an asshole. Yes, yes. Panties = dropped.

Mention of body parts below the neck other than fingers: 0
Similarity between exposition and Law & Order: SVU episode: medium
Wetness level of panties in female audience: dewy

Chapter 2:

“Excuse me, naïve young girl, I’m an impossibly young and incredibly good looking, super wealthy stoic businessman that needs some advice on assembling a proper rape kit.” Seriously? This motherfucker personally goes into a podunk hardware store to buy a combination of items that should set off red flags on anybody with a vagina. It’s worse than a white dude with a scraggly beard wearing a Wolverines! T-shirt under his old fatigue jacket purchasing 12’ of steel pipe and two dozen end caps: you just know he’s up to no good. It's as obvious as an old guy that comes into CVS on New Year's eve and buys a couple men's magazines, a roll of paper towels and that big pump bottle of Jergen's lotion. I don’t know why he chose masking tape over duct tape and I really hope the blue coveralls are somehow used later totally because its the only time Christian Grey will be "blue collar" or don anything the 99% have worn. The line about taking off his pants was subtle, a real winner and had me chuckling as I recalled Leslie Nielsen's deadpan "I'm not wearing any underwear!" line from one of the Naked Gun movies. I’m hoping and praying he’ll later graphically pound some serious pipe into this carefree Japanimation ditz while wearing only “immaculate” white running shoes. Guy has to have a facial tic or wear lip gloss or something; Ana cannot stop looking at the beautiful floating head.

Grey’s current outfit: Ivy League Weekend Ken Doll
Similarity between exposition and Law & Order: SVU episode: extreme
Number of Mexican-Americans friend-zoned: 1
Wetness level of panties in female audience: moist

Ya know, I had cable ties and 550 cord in my bag when I was hanging out with the noodle. Now I feel like a dirtbag.

…unless she wanted it.​

*strokes bottom lip with long index finger, purses lips repeatedly*

Chapter 3:

Our heroine and her hot-enough-but-totally-friend-zoned Mexican-American Jose have a date to do a photo shoot with the 2012 version of Francisco Scaramanga for... get this... a fucking college newspaper. Uh-huh. One thing I’m starting to notice and feel a little scummy about is all the disturbing references to Ana feeling like a scared child around this guy. I mean, that’s just creepy. And seems backwards. When I was 14, girls were just “pretty” and totally not the preferred sex with which to play capture the flag. At 18, after my balls dropped, they then had the power to make me into a quivering mass ready to ejaculate like an exploding snack pack simply by whispering dirty nothings into my ear (like my exwife). I’d imagine most girls were the same way; probably not foaming at the labia over guys until they’d reached, ya know, sexual maturity. Anyway, the normal, non-DSM-IV men in Ana’s life just aren’t good enough to date or even boredom fuck. That’s rough. Maybe Mr. Grey is a hymen hunter that prefers mental midgets.

The rest of the chapter is straight out of Zoolander and Mr. Grey continues his “Do you? Am I?” routine. The end of this chapter leaves me feeling like I just spent that last ten minutes looking at close-ups of porcelain veneers or just read every issue of Cosmopolitan from 2011. I do enjoy the appearance of random henchmen and I’m glad to see that Blackwater has managed to get jobs for its overly aggressive former Marines. I can only assume they’re making 6 a day for PSD. I can’t imagine following this evil villain around, though. I’d want to face check him with my KAC PDW, tell him most of us prefer conversations that aren't also viable Jeopardy! answers.

The fact that her assertive female friend Kate warns her against borrowing her Mercedes and going to get coffee with The Man with the Golden Gun would have been more realistic if she’d mentioned the possibility of some type of sodomy. Either way, the two dueling lip-biters are off to “get coffee.”

“No one has ever held my hand.” Okay, there’s the bullshit flag. Along with the “never been kissed” bullshit. This girl has to be a virgin at 21. Which is just unrealistic. Which is just unpossible in America, especially the sexually liberated Northwest. No mention of previous boyfriends, no indication that she actually went to college (you know, drunken blowjobs for guys that don’t yet have a last name). And I’m totally picking up on the I Touch Myself routine Grey does for her benefit. I need to work on that more. I’m going to oh-so-delicately stroke the fuck out of my entire lithe torso when my current girlfriend gets back from Thailand. So hard. She’s gonna think I’ve got fleas. And if that doesn’t turn her on, I’ll ask her: “Do I have fleas?”

Awesome line: “I like my tea weak and black.” …Like my boyfriends. Also: How many college girls refer to anybody as taciturn at a coffee date? That’s just awkward. And screams of Thesaurus fuckery. I’ve also determined that Grey has to have herpes… he’s gotta be playing fist block with a giant cold sore. The chapter ends with our klutzy heroine nearly tumbling headlong into the street and nearly being killed by a bicyclist. Christian “Jason Bourne” Grey of course rescues her with a tactical twisting wrap-up hug… because that’s what happens when you yank someone’s arm when they stumble forward into the street. She says he smells like clean linen, which is probably a reference to a Bath and Body Works product since that’s the only thing on this planet that has touched Ana’s bare flesh… and certainly not Good Guy Jose. Money says they're gonna kiss in the next chapter.

Grey’s current outfit: Fight Club Tyler Durden Chic
Wetness level of panties in female audience: damp
Teabags dunked: only literal

...

I apologize for how rough it is, but you something tells me most of you aren't editors.

I need a drink.

 

Huh?

 

You do realize that this entire thread was based on your request and thus I shall be making fun of you the entire time.

The jokes about Pabst and jockstraps shall follow. Come on, lady... get with the program. It's gonna be super fun.