Fifty Shades of Choad: 9er and Baraka do chick lit crit

...SO SEXY IT HURTS.​

 

Haven't lost the touch dear boy!

 

What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic. I'm rooting for these two, ya know.

 

I'm finally getting around to reading this thread. I know I'm still 10 pages behind, but when I read the above, I cracked up into a huge laughter. Fuck me, man... you're killing me here.

Also, I feel obliged to share this:



Time to continue reading.

 

Love it Remixer!

 

Huh, just saw the image link didn't work as expected. Damn German websites.

EDIT: Fixed it.

 

Where have I been to miss this entire thread! Only on page two but I think I'm more hooked on this than I was on the books! I just cant put my netbook down!
--- merged: Oct 31, 2012 at 7:05 PM ---

Apologies if im late in responding but I just had to share my mental image of you two on a large brown leather couch blushing and cocking ur heads at each other!

 

Gutted where is the rest!!!! I must admit - I did read all 3 of the 50 shades books but it was to see what I was missing. I cant actually remember any of it and I think its because I ended up skim reading catching the odd work and making up the rest in-between! Made the sex miles and miles better!

 

Although this is wrong, it is relevant:
"50 Shades Of Grey" Products For Kids

 

The top with bright writing almost distracted me enough that I never realised what it was referring to! I think I would pass a child in the street wearing that and not notice!

 

So... you know how I know God wants me to keep going on this silly review project?



He puts gray cars with relevant vanity plates in front of me in traffic. Was surreal.

Nerdy white college girl driving it. Biting her lip. I was tempted to blow her a kiss.

...

Plugging away on Chapter 11. I swear. Between work and the gym, I'm kinda tired.

 

All I can say Plan9 is Focus!

 

*mandatory rimshot*

 

While we are awaiting the next installment, I thought I'd share a rewrite I did many years ago of one of my favorite songs..My Favorite things by Julie Andrews

Laces on corsets and floggers for lashes
Candles for melting and paddles for asses
Silent submissives connected to rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Crops used for prodding and St. Andrews crosses
Cages for bad boys and ball gags for bitches
Chains from the ceiling attached to subs on their knees
These are a few of my favorite things

Ropes made for cinching and slaves made for pleasing
Toys made for torture and dungeons for playing
New shiny shackles covered in rings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the scene ends
When the plays done
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I dont feel so bad

 

Sure looking to a grand finale when you comeback Plan9! Hope your having fun where ever you maybe.

 

Reminds me of this gem -

 

Chapter 11: Your Ass is Mine (When You Sign)​

A’ight, enough of these sissy-ass TFP threads… time to get back to the Main Event.

*cracks knuckles on your forehead*

Some theme music:


We left off with old girl reluctantly tearing open the hefty envelope containing her sex contract. She figures she'll give it a once-over before deciding she just can't wait to be handcuffed to a sawhorse and have her own moist panties crammed into her mouth while being slapped across the face with yesterday's The Wallstreet Journal.

This quick chapter basically consists of us staring at, word-for-word, the contract that she's obviously going to sign in the near future after displaying a requisite amount of disgust and related uncertainty. We also get some email traffic between Ana and Grey after she absorbs said contract. As a guy that reads technical manuals for fun, this style change-up is entertaining enough to keep me slogging through what would otherwise be like VCR instructions or Ben Stein reading an Ugandan phone book. Actually, it was pretty amusing to read the pages of legalese and sex act lists as it reminded me of the last time I'd engaged in such activities with previous partners. It's been over a decade since I dripped hot wax on a girl’s tits? Man, I'm getting old.

I think maybe I now understand why this book is so popular with middle-aged housewives. It’s not about emulating the over-the-top deviant sex stuff. Well, maybe a little. But I doubt even one soccer mom read this book and suddenly decided that anal fisting was for her (p. 174). I doubt it’s really even about the DOM/sub crap. Maybe it’s about remembering-- potentially recapturing--the energy you had a decade or two ago before you shit out your bipedal legacy and the weekends simply became two days of chores. A book this “dirty” is a way to approach that problem. “I’m not as nasty as the characters in this book, but I have done a few things on that list. And it was fun. Why did I stop doing those things?”

Ana--after reading the list--is obviously overwhelmed by all this (Again? Thrice?) and comments that she can’t even decide on the food and gym conditions list let alone a list that involves “binding with spreaderbar” and “nipple clamps.” She admits that spanking wouldn’t be that bad but probably humiliating. Ya think? She has another cartoon cutscene in her head as she stares at herself in the bathroom mirror: her inner gummy bear demands that she move forward into the tunnel of lovehatesexpain (sorry Godsmack) lest she turn into a crazy cat lady. Because, you know, those are the only two options.

Ana passes out after “clambering” into bed. Oh, thesaurus. This book is loaded with great Robin-style exclamations, too: “Holy Moses, I’ve slept for nine straight hours!” After sleeping for the normal period that most college students do on the weekend, Ana is roused by a just-went-for-a-run Kate (so delicious) that announces that a man has come to deliver a package to her. Not the usual FedEx or UPS stud, this "smart-looking" ponytail-toting henchman is here to deliver a next generation “you can’t buy this yet” MacBook Pro to our Luddite heroine so she can research everything she’s ever wanted to know about the contents of that Ludacris song, “What’s Your Fantasy?” Once again the whole suspension of disbelief unique-‘n-flawed character thing takes a huge hit as this stupid tart acts like this radical alien technology isn’t something that every single one of her peers uses on a regular basis mere inches away from her in college classrooms. Jesus, how is this helpful to the story? Ponytail guy not only has to deliver the computer, but setup wireless and... explain... email.

The ponytail dude sets up her Ferrari of the Future laptop while Ana marvels at the fact that she has an email address, like maybe she made it through college with… out… aw, fuck it. Tech Virgin Ana flirts with a "playful" Christian via email for a bit before getting a call from our favorite Latino bloodsucker, Jose, who is eager to reinforce his place as her doormat. After a smile and a hug as they skip down the street, we’re assured that all is forgiven for that drunken neck lick and that Ana is clearly a racist as she can’t not mention that our boy Jose is Hispanic for one fucking paragraph. They trot off to coffee-lunch and we learn nothing more at this point because Jose isn’t important and that’s likely due to the fact that he’s definitely not white.

After catching up with her favorite lovesick friendzone’d day laborer, Ana hits up some more hot-hot email action and is finally directed to stop dicking around and get to the research. Grey wants her to immerse herself in the sex contract stuff. She hits up the ivory tower that is Wikipedia and suddenly finds “a very moist and integral part of [herself] is seriously turned on” by all this “HOT” stuff. I don't have words for how awful all this is but I'm sure you get the picture.

Percentage of this chapter I spent thinking about a sweaty post-run Kate: 38%
Number of TFPers that accessed email sometime today: 189%
Apple Fan'tards that want a rich lover to deliver them next-gen MacBook technology: 190%
Wetness level of the female audience’s panties: Socks after sitting in a too-warm dentist's office waiting room for an hour
Odds that I'll be able to finish crapping out bad jokes about each chapter before 2015: 27%

 

So Christian is based on Dave Foley? Does that mean he is Canadian?

 

Haha, I'm old enough to know who Dave Foley is.