Do women like to watch guys masturbate?

I would END you.

 

Uh, he drives an $64k Audi, has been married longer than I've been alive and has probably done enough coke to turn an episode of Miami Vice back to normal colors just by willing it in his callused brain.

Newsflash: You ain't endin' shit, girlfriend. He's gonna put you away crumpled and nasty like a napkin from a restaurant called Wet-'n-Sloppy's "What's Your Name?" Burgers.

 

The Audi cost more than that...

but she could certainly try ending it. I mean, shit, that's half the fun right? Right??

/ain'tscaredofangryuteruses

 

It's not the angry uterus you need to worry about it. I have a lot of pent up rage and I don't care if I die or go to jail.... When a woman has nothing left to lose and doesn't play by any rules....that's pretty damn scary.

 

I was wondering why this sounded so familar until I remembered that was my old lady's wedding vows.

 

Nice car, sorry about your dick.

 

I like your self-restraint there. If you had added "Kathy Griffin is ..... The Zombie Squirrel", then I think Fremen would have needed a few minutes in his bunk.

 

I should totally hook you up with my exwife... you'd be miserable but your balls would be drained.

 

But the world would be a sadder place without the MeltedMetalGlob photo carpet bombs we get.

 

Are you kidding? Just imagine the kind of stuff we'd get if he spent the last 3 hours getting rode like a mechanical bull at a Crossfit girls' night out.

 

I would imagine that it would be roughly equal to the cleverness level that you and I constantly exhibit.

Like I said, sadder place.

 

Hey, I'm happy. Look at this face. You see this face? I'm a downright jovial motherfucker.

Only thing that could make me happier is catching the old lady fingering herself later tonight.

I had a girlfriend that used to finger herself then lick her fingers and ask, "You want in on this?"

You're damn right I do.​

 

*breaks his bunk*

 

Jesus, if we could get you to leave yourself alone for more than 5 minutes at a time, maybe you'd actually be able to grow that mustache.

 

+drools+

 

I can't like this enough.

 

She's so hostile. It really is endearing.

 

We could always start a support group.

 

I finally have an opportunity to use this somewhere people will get it.