Covering for others' infidelity?

Thank you for your very open reply.

I don't think that threads here should be about affirmation or acquiescence.

 

It would depend on who it was and what he circumstances are.

In most cases, I don't think I would actively go out of my way to expose someone, nor would I actively cover them either. Mostly likely I would just hold my tongue and say nothing. I don't think it's my place to reveal someone's infidelity (unless the relationship is such that it is my place... if you see what I mean).

It's not a black and white issue.

 

I don't understand why it wouldn't be. Could you please explain further?

 

Exactly.

 

What don't you understand? Why it's not black and white?

There are *many* reasons for people to engage in infidelity and not all of those reasons are cut and dry (even for the people engaging in it).

I am firmly of the opinion:
a) judge not, lest you be judged
b) don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong
c) people's emotions and sexuality are messy... why would you want to make it messier?

(see caveats above)

 

Some close friends of mine (20 years ago) opted out of telling me about my fiancee having an affair for several months with my best friend, initially because they thought it was only flirting, and by the time it was obviously not (I.e. lending him keys so they had a venue) the friends were too far down the rabbit hole.

I've never been asked to cover, but I have told a couple of people over the years that it was obvious what they were up to, and that I would not go out of my way to tell their SO, but wouldn't lie if asked, and certainly felt that they should make sure everyone in the triangle was working off the same info.

In one friend of a friend case, both people in the original couple were aware, and the third person was not aware that the SO had granted permission, thinking that the supposed cheater would break off with the SO in favour of the affair. I didn't personally know any of the three, but it seemed shabby.

 

So what exactly was you looking for? A bunch of posts stating how very wrong that would be and anyone who would do such a thing is a total scumbag? Are you looking for some sort of reaffirmation that you done the right thing?

 

When you said "Black and white". I thought that that you were saying, that it might be acceptable (infidelity) in certain circumstances. I wanted to know what you thought those circumstances were. I misunderstood. Plus this isn't the thread for me to inquire.

 

Scout, with all due respect, you really need to reread my post, #21, in which I quoted your post and wrote a response. I'm not sure how you managed to misinterpret my response.

I'll attempt to make it very clear:
1. I'm wanting and hoping for honest input, and have no interest in judging the decisions that other TFP members made/make.
2. Do I condone someone actively helping to cover infidelity? No.
3. Am I going to "jump" someone for posting a view different from mine? No--see #1.

 

I'm speaking of people in supposedly committed relationships, be it marriage, cohabitating, LTRs, serious dating, etc. Basically any situation where monogamy was clearly promised, strongly implied, mutually expected, etc.

I'll probably add some questions & thoughts later. Please feel free to add your own!

Have you ever been asked to help a friend or a family member cover their infidelity?

Yeah, 5 or 6 times in my life at least. Once was my dad.


If yes, how did you handle it?
Why did you choose to handle it a certain way?
Did you handle each situation differently, depending on the circumstances?

I always just stayed out of it as much as I actually could. I didnt actually tell lies on behalf or somebody, or snitch on them. How it felt depends on who is involved I suppose.

When it is a mate and his girlfriend who you dont really know, you probably feel a bit guilty. When its a girl you know equally as well as the guy involved, there is really a sense of conflict and for me I felt pissed off that the dude put me in a situation like that. When its your dad asking you to lie to your mum over something its a bit worse. (but I suppose the same principle)


Has your attitude regarding covering for cheating friends changed over the years?

I am more permissive or tolerant than I used to be. When I was younger I was quite a prude (although I also sold bootlegged Dutch pornography on a fairly wholesale scale in my early 20's... so I suppose I was also a hyprocrite. I think it is partly that I am mellowed and partly just that right now I am in a position where I don't particularly have any close friends and am not very close to my family - so I havent been in a situation where I really cared about anyone involved in the last 5 or so years.


To your knowledge, has your SO covered for anyone?
If yes, how do/did you feel about it?

I dont have a girlfriend. In the past I have gone out with girls I know were cheating on their previous boyfriends. I suppose if I stood back and looked at it it might make me question there moral character. But you also have to be realistic. I think it sometimes will come across that I say things like this for sympathy - but in reality I am not much of a catch (been in financial problems the last 10 years of my life, fat, scar faced, slovenly, prone to mood swings that probably are borderline something I should be on medication for, about half an alcoholic, etc...) so I'm not in a position to be too choosy or judgemental. A girl who was a great person and everything else wouldn't look twice at somebody like me. I haven't ever cheated on anyone, but I am a dishonest and indiscrete person in many ways so I wouldnt be too harsh in my opinion on a girl who was also dishonest in her own way.

 

I read post 21 several times before I replied in post 27. You wanted honest input, I gave you honest input. After I gave you honest input you replied that you believed all posts here should be either affirmative or acquiescence to your point of view. My initial post wasn't. It was quite the opposite.

So let me more honest, go further and say that if you worry about things like this or if this type of behavior really gets under your skin you probably need to hang in there a little longer. Life's to short to worry about what everyone else is doing. It all comes out in the wash eventually. After one surpasses 22 years old these things become less of an issue in your daily life. In other words, I've found most people outgrow this type of behavior.

 

For the record I'm 53 years old. I don't claim to be one of the most worldly person around, but I'm certainly not completely clueless regarding human behavior. I don't want to go into the various reasons for affairs, there is a very good thread, thanks go to TFP member Streetpattern, that covers that.

Thanks, Borla, you saved me from quoting myself.

 

Seems to me you are asking the wrong questions.

I think what you really need to ask yourself is 1} do I need this drama in my life 2} if they are being dishonest with someone they supposedly love how often have they been dishonest with me and do I want a person hanging around that can't be trusted 3} is this "friendship" really worth it 4} and really what kinda mature adult would ask another mature adult to lie?

 

I notice that you didn't admit to misreading one of my posts. Interesting.

Why are my questions wrong? I asked to see what experiences TFPers had with being asked to cover for people having affairs. I'm glad to see that so many people have shared their experiences.

Threads such as this one tend to evolve, and your questions are an excellent follow-up the original questions. My short answers are:
1. No.
2. No.
3. No.
4. As I got older, got married, etc., I wasn't asked to cover for anyone. Some "mature adults" don't consider affairs to be a big deal. I'm guessing that over time they learn who to ask & who not to ask for help, not to mention they probably get better at covering their tracks without involving others.

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A friendly suggestion, Scout--You might want to choose your words more carefully. Written communication contain no voice inflection, relatively neutral comments can easily be read as confrontational.