coping with bereavement

Mom spent the last several months of her life in an ALF. I would stop by and we would watch a particular TV show together. I have found comfort watching that show regularly. I know it sounds odd, but it's almost as if she's there.

 

SF, Hi there, and continued good wishes

I know that feeling. Very real feeling.

 

Dear SF,
I hope you are doing better and wanted you to know that myself and many other here, continue to have you in our hearts and are always here to talk and share. These family situations are tough and take a long time to understand. You're not alone and just wanted to say hi and check in on you.

Peace,
Indigo Kid

 

I don't even know what to say, other than I truly hope you are able to find some measure of peace during this difficult time.

 

I'm doing as ok with things as I can I guess. The most obvious thing is that I am having trouble sleeping. Not that I dont sleep at all, but that I sleep fitfully every night. Sometimes having the obvious kind of bad dreams (like my mum asking people for help and everyone ignoring her) but mostly just my mind racing about all kinds of different things.

The other thing is that every time I joke around, or laugh, or am lascivious, or whatever - it kind of hits me and I feel guilty like "what am I having a laugh for"

I think both things aren't untypical... its wearing me down a bit but I am hoping after the funeral I might feel better. Thats next week.

There is going to be an inquest because basically she was in hospital the day before for a fairly standard procedure (having a stent fitted) but they fitted the stent in one artory and the other main one was completely blocked... they sent her home although she was complaining of a bad headache the next day, and then she died (because the stent failed, and the other artory was blocked)... at least as well as I understand it.

I have mixed feelings about whether anything should come of it. Obviously the hospital didnt do it on purpose, but I guess if lessons can be learned that might make the difference on someone else's life, its worth going through the pain and delay.

The other issue is, because I am bankrupt, the third of the estate which was left to me cant actually pass to me (not a huge amount, but a meaningful one)... for myself I accept that. I made my bed with bankruptacy and its fair enough I have to take my medicine. But its causing some ill feeling in the family in general which I could do without.

I found myself just wishing that she had cut me out her will (she knew I was bankrupt but she didnt really know what it meant, and I never knew what her will said and didnt reallythink of having to explain it to her, she was only in her 50's)

I guess the fact though that Im now wishing that about someone I had a good relationship with and loved is kind of the worst thing thats happened to me from being bankrupt.

The other thing thats hard is not knowing who knows.

At work the first week every time someone asked "how are you?" I kind of had this mental double take of "are they just asking generically like saying hello and they dont want to know?" or do they know my mum died last week and theyre really asking. Lead to a few pretty awkward moments when I said something like "not the best" and they then ask why, and I have to explain all over and just see how uncomfortable it makes the person feel... But I guess most people know after a while and it stops happening.

Its weird that every year when its my birthday its also going to be the anniversary of this, but it is also seems absurdly selfish that that even occurs to me.

 

I lost my mom 5 years ago and still have many weird dreams where she is in trouble or I'm trying to help her but can't. Must be that cosmic link in my subconscious triggering those kinds of dreams. Some guilt on my part, no doubt.

....But then I see her favorite bird on my windowsill singing to me in the morning and I know in my heart of hearts that she's in a better place and that we All find peace eventually. It takes time. As for the bird song - I feel it's her way of saying it's okay and better now. We all need to remember to "not carry every one of the familys burdens" to our graves. It doesn't honor those we love and cherish.

 

Hang in there SF. Sad times for sure, I hope it becomes easier with each passing day.

 

I'm glad you checked in, too. I hope your heart lightens as enough time passes.

 

today, being mother's day in the UK, has been kind of depressing.

The funeral was last week, and I have to say it was one of the most surreal things Ive ever seen when they bring the coffin past you and set it up on the stage. Its kind of unbelievable its your mum in there, even though you know it is.

The whole experience was pretty draining and tough. I am not an emotionally expressive type of person literally, but I was physically having to bite my lip and just almost chanting in my mind "just be strong, just be strong" to stop myself crying in front of people during the service. And afterwards you stand around and people you hardly know are coming up and talking to you - and I appreciate they may have their own grief and its something they need to do to speak to the family, but the selfish part of you just wants to go and be alone and shut everything out.

After the funeral we went to her house, and again its just crazy... seeing the puzzle book she was doing by the chair, the seat she always sat in, her sewing kit...

The one thing I took comfort in was that I did go and see her at Xmas when I wasnt planning to.

Cos I dont have a car right now (cos I'm bankrupt still) and cos December is always a shit month money wise, I basically couldnt really afford £100-odd quid to get a train back for the sake of two days, so I was just gonna stay at home alone for Xmas. But a woman who works in my team at work without speaking to me went to the managing director of the company and persuaded him to lend me the company pool car (which he was fine with) and so I ended up spending 3 days with her at Xmas.

At the time I was almost annoyed that she just slept so much of the time, but at the funeral a few of her neighbours were there and they all said how pleased she was that I had changed my plans and had gone to see her... so, I guess I was pretty glad I did.
--- merged: Mar 18, 2012 8:41 PM ---
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I guess the other thing Ive kind of struggled with on an emotional level is my lack of physical reaction. Even when I was forcing myself not to cry at the funeral I was thinking to myself "you're stupid, why shouldnt you cry? who cares if people see you and think its weak?"

But I just have something in me that wont bend until I break I guess, I dont know.

Intellectually I know people handle grief and pain differently, and I understand these kind of feelings of guilt about not hurting enough are normal... but I still cant help wondering is it more that I'm stoic or that I'm simpy cold hearted.

 

Strange Famous: Please forgive me being presumptuous about who you are and are not but after reading all the previous things you've written in this thread I cannot fathom how you could be called 'cold-hearted.'
You are dealing with this loss the best way you know how. I wish you comfort as you continue your journey of healing. Please try to be kind to yourself; you've been through and still are going through one of life's most difficult transitions.

 

Bless that woman who arranged for the use of the car. That's a gift you'll remember for the rest of your life. Even more so now that you know how much it meant to your mother.

peace be with you

 

SF ... you're in SHOCK. Part of that's the emergency anesthesia. Diminished feeligns and slower responses are an essential part. At the same time, you're aware of the crying kind of grief, and how some of those are associated with 'closeness of feeling for the deceased'. Of course you'll notice a difference. A sense of guilt makes sense until you read this: when others are IN shock, then they are not all that noticeable unless you have a good look. But, because not so noticeable, then they don't come above your radar, and therefore haven't been taken into account when you notice the Big Difference between where you're at on the inside and what you remember seeing on the outside. Your guilty feelings make sense, until you realise others go through this INvisible aspect ... heck ... some of them feel guilty about it too. But note that some of the guilt you can put away now, because your 'coldness/stoicism' that you question IS, I tell you, IS the 'proof' that you are totally fecked over by her passing. This sense of the surreal IS part of your grief. That is a Feeling as much as all the others. 'Stoic or cold hearted' ... heck .. your Shock-Hearted.

Feck it ... there's how you got along with her and things you coulda-shoulda-didna - Along with the Coulda-Shoulda-DID. Then there's the sheer fact of her eternal physical absence from now on. ANNNNDDDD the fact that she was taken so young. Bam Bam Bam. Jesus. And you're bankrupt and legalities around her Will pull that into the limelifght too. Bam. You're taking it on too many sides at once.

Hey ... here's an image ........ You know that reindeer in the Christmas snow-globe thingy? You are that reindeer. And the stuff that buffeting and coming at you and around you? Those are the snowflakes.

Where you're at makes sense, including your misgivings, and your judgments and your reactions to your judgments and struggle between looking at her memory and looking in your mirror. Some of you IS a reflection of her ... and Part of your mourning is coming to know who you are now things have changed. You ever been out in massive high storm? Incredibly high winds buffeting up, down fact forward, left and right? That feeling of 99% disorientation? Now remove the sound and feeling of the stormy wind, but keep the feeling of 99% disorientation. Now many things LOOK normal around you BUT that look is totally at odds with where and how you're at. Where you're at on the inside makes normal things no longer seem normal. That's the way it should be for a while. Bringing people back to her place after the funeral ... shit. I was at my mom's house yesterday ...

SF ... my mom's 86. So it's likely I'll be doing a thread like this one of yours at some point. I know I'll find reasons to feel uncomfortable in and with myself ... even to kick myself and feel even worse for making some of it more 'about me' than about her. And if she leaves me in some 'situation', I'll feel cross with her for that and angry at my crossness. And I'll feel helpless and resentful at how my anger AT my crossness is distancing me even further from the real world in which She Is Gone. I will be glaringly aware that I am in a bubble of unreality/surreality. My dad died age 56, when I was 21. Totally NOT expected ... so some of this future I'm predicting on the basis of having been there once before.

It's from this one foot in my past and the other in the future ... legs akimbo position that I extend a hand through the layers of your contradictions ... your mixed feelins and non-feelings ... to touch you on the shoulder with a voice saying "You're making total solid sense and it feels like forever ... and those forever feelings vary from moment to moment and hour to hour in ways neither of us can predict. They sort into strands neither of us can guess. Some of those strands can and must be done something about, others can't and shouldn't, and we don't know which will emerge to be ready for what. Or when." At the moment, it's impossible to know when to step back and distract self for a while, or when to step forward and engage.

Take care.

 

yeah, it was a pretty good thing to do. I tend to go out of my way to help people who work in my dept, and it does mean a lot when people do the same back.
--- merged: Mar 18, 2012 at 7:37 PM ---

Yeah, that makes sense (the metaphor of getting hit from every side and it takes everything you have to stand still)... maybe the only response I am capable of is to trudge slowly and clumsily along with my head down. I wish I could break down and cry on someone's shoulder instead.

 

SF, I can tell you from experience, different people handle grief in different ways, and at different times in their lives. It is also possible that some part of you is already at peace with this, or maybe you're just not a particularly emotional person. There isn't a "right" way to grieve.

Please accept my sympathies for your loss, and please give yourself some time. Take it as it comes.