Basically, am I a selfish bitch?

these little minxes do more than smile at a guy!

 

Good comic, but you missed the part where Derp and Derpina come to a FWB agreement because they're temporarily tired of the bullshit associated with romantic relationships. Sounds like: "We'll never be boyfriend/girlfriend but that doesn't mean we can't get a little frustration outta the way." "You scratch my crotch, I scratch yours?" "Ah-ha! Well played, Derpina." Then insane flesh-slapping starts up like your typical HBO series.

 

I dont believe this whole "friends with benefits" thing ever happens in real life.

I am sure there are friends who have sex sometimes... but it ought to be awkward and clumsy after it happens... I find the idea of talking about and making it some kind of actual arrangement fundamentally un-British.

(so maybe it just never happens to British people but Americans are getting up to it all the time?)

_

I fear that the person who originally raised this question is going to get annoyed with all of this though.

I think the best advice was that she should try to help him find a girlfriend, or something.

If she just slept with him to try it out but didnt like it, it would just be worse for him probably - so in retrospect that was bad advice on my part.

 

I think the original poster has an attention span similar to mine. So... um... uh... wait... what were we talking about, again?

...

The whole fuckbuddies thing happens rather often in the circles where its hard to meet and stay with people. The US military during the GWoT, for example. Few worthwhile women wanted to get into serious relationship with a guy that was deployed every other year for up to 18 months. The ones that did were looking for a hot shot of sperm to nail down some poor lower enlisted guy's regular paycheck. Anyway, my point is that young professionals that don't have the time or cushy circumstances for a relationship can find relief for their throbbing crotch parts. I've had a few.

 

It does. It has. One just needs to be careful of getting attached, and therefore bringing romance into it.

 

I can also attest to the fact that it does, in fact, happen in real life. Unless you're going to call me a liar, Strange Famous.

 

...hookers don't count.​

 

What, am I Ben Affleck all of a sudden?

 

Its all well and good, but I really struggle to think that this can happen without one side in the relationship wanting it to be more.

Why would the same two people keep sleeping together if at least one of them didnt have other feelings? Maybe Ive just lead a sheltered life. I certainly wouldn't mind having a friend with benefits, as long as she was nice looking of course.

But even if she entered into it just as some casual "I just fancy a screw" type of thing, what if I was to sex her so superbly that she fell for me after that?

 

You're a funny motherfucker, Strange. Serious. Pure gold. I would totally dig getting a few pints with you some time. Your Internet deadpan is clutch.

...

Dude, a good fuck doesn't mean a girl is going to fall in love with you. Even as a scrawny guy with mediocre looks and no penis, I've had many relationships. Sex isn't everything. That said, I'm sure the women that I've been with that broke up with me / cheated on me and crawled into bed with some throbbing hunk with a dick the size of a 40 of Olde English weren't doing it because they wanted someone to comfort them. I know that whenever I got dumped, I took it out on the various orifices of a handful of bored young women. Most of them didn't have last names, if you follow.

Sometimes sex is just sex.

Check it: It's hard to be happy in a relationship without sex, but you very often can be happy about sex without a relationship. Make sense?

 

Like denying that a woman would ever give men sound advice on dating women?

I couldn't resist.

 

Hi pumpkin

No. You're not a bitch. You've walked into the spotlight of your friends specifically to AVOID hurting someone else's feelings, and also to preserve a friendship you value.

I'll write a kind of speech which attempts to put your position in ways which minimises the risk of his losing face.

But first, a bottom line: Pumpkin, new friend, your feeling of 'no' and your expression of 'no' is always sacred. A true friend will respect that, and even if they find it frustrating or confusing, will seek to make sense of this, and to be able to bellow into his pillow "ARGGGGGGGGGGH .. I fancy her but she does not fancy me AND we're great friends .... and ... ARGHHHHHHHHH." And to NOT press or cajole you into sympathy intimacy or to turn you into his unpaid psychotherapist. I might be stating the bleedin' obvious, and if so ... well, I'd rather it's on the record.

OK ... here's the speech, and it's intended to put light on the elephant in the corner ... to make the issue visible, but without introducing it as HIS elephant.

The idea that "We're both hot" is to steer the existing flirtiness as a compliment to both of you as attractive people ... the idea being "We are both so hot that it's natural that we'll flirt ... even though we're destined to go out with other people, rather than each other."

I'm sure this needs refining ... y'see, from what you say, he's done nothing that needs to be slapped down. He's obviously earnt your respect and love as a friend. If you can put your messages across in ways which big him up, it will add lots of sweetness to whatever bitterness he might feel.

Also .. and here's me the "Let's look at worst case scenarios" person: If he's dead set on making a big problem out of it, then you won't have given him any ammunition.

Another angle. I've been in a similar positions to him. In recent years, I've been able to handle it ... OK, I'd been wtffing into my pillow, but I realise I could actually handle it. Good For Me. But if I couldn't, then still MY problem and nobody else's. Whether or not the other person has been resourceful, polite, firm and supportive, or whether she has been confused and clumsy and even a bit irritated, it does not make her into an angel or a bitch-devil - just doing her best at the time to NOT go where she does not want to go. Yes, I've always got the choice to go "this person was only of interest to me if there was the possibility of closer closeness ... I shall go away now". That's my sacred right to not be where I don't want to be. I suppose I'd prefer knowing sooner rather than later, whether elegantly or clumsily told. Might upset me at the time, though I happen to highly value the closeness of friendship, and my fetish is to prefer to sleep with someone I'm friends with. I'm hungry to smooch souls as well as bodies. I'm trying to put myself into his position ... if the friendship matters to him, then he'll seek to do what he needs to adjust his expressions and intents, even though he might feel miffed for a while.

Heck, I've rambled a bit. But I know this situation isn't easy for you, and I'm trawling around for as many angles as I can. I'm afraid I'm wiped out for now, Pumpkin, but I'm keen to hear your next thoughts on all this.

Take care

 

That's 'cause you're a goil. Goils think intergender freindship is possible. Guys think of it as one step closer to the holy grail.

 

I've "bro"-zoned a few girls in my day. Sometimes it was because we didn't click personality-wise, but mostly it was because they were ugly.

 

MeltedMetalGlob, I'm disappointed that my referrence to a movie-quality Chewbacca mask and a strap-on was ignored.

 

Yeaaah, thanks. Considering how many times I've heard "you're just like a little sister," or "you're totally one of the guys," that stung a little bit

 

Not ignored, simply beyond my version of Photoshop's "good taste" meter- that little slider bar can only move so far.

 

I have been here and it is awkward and difficult. Just because I can get along with a guy as a friend does not mean I could get along with him romantically. To suggest that it makes a person selfish to follow their instinct and desire to keep a good platonic relationship going when they don't feel romantically inclined seems a bit unreasonable for me. I don't feel I owe it to my friend to give it a shot.. he also has the opportunity to leave the friendship if a platonic relationship isn't working for him. To sleep with someone and give it a try I think would add a lot of unnecessary confusion to what could be an already confusing situation. As long as I have been honest and clear about it, how could that make me a selfish bitch?

Stop any flirting, if he flirts to you ignore it or say something. Even if the compliments are great to your ego, don't do it. Acknowledge your desire for a friendship, don't leave any confusion. If someone desires you it isn't going to be helpful for you to pass flirts back and forth. It isn't going to help your friendship to lead someone on, it is better to be clear. Either way someone is probably going to feel a little hurt but at least you have done the right thing. At least he won't hate you for leading him on or feel used.

 

So long as you're not leading him on any where and you're up front about how you feel, then no, you're not being selfish at all.

Everything else his his problem to deal with.

Friendships can get confusing sometimes, because when you really are friends, there's a bond and connection there. Sometimes one indulges themselves into thinking maybe it could be more, or sometimes, one just feels what they feel.

 

I don't know if I can compete with such high quality advice as ladder theory and rage comics, but one thing I've learned through the whopping 10 years more life experience I have than you is that when it comes to relationships, being honest can hurt in the short term but works out a lot better in the long run.