Adult Science Jokes

A man was crossing a road one day...
When a frog in the weeds called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess"

He went & bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog croaked up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want".
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally in great frustration, the frog asked, "What is the matter???
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer.
I don't have time for a girlfriend...but a talking frog is very cool."

 

Since it's the weekend and you've got some time on your hands...and to mix it up a bit...here's something for you...
An Interview with Schrodinger's Cat


And for those of you that don't know the gentleman feline...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrödinger's_cat

 

Here is a historical note: In the 1980's, in an effort to increase public awareness about the importance of chemistry, the American Chemical Society posted billboards with a picture of C6H10 and the title, "It takes alkynes to make a world."

 

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium...

 

A photon walks into a hotel...
The bellboy asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?"

The photon says, "No thanks, I'm travelling light."

 

Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater...

 

At the end of his course on mathematical methods in optimization, the professor sternly looks at his students and says,
"There is one final piece of advice I'm going to give you now...
whatever you have learned in my course - never ever try to apply it to your personal lives!"

"Why?" the students ask.
"Well, some years ago, I observed my wife preparing breakfast, and I noticed that she wasted a lot of time walking back and forth in the kitchen.
So, I went to work, optimized the whole procedure, and told my wife about it."

"And what happened?!"
"Before I applied my expert knowledge, my wife needed about half an hour to prepare breakfast for the two of us.
And now...it takes me less than fifteen minutes..."

 

Little Johnny is in class and is asked by his teacher to solve the following math problem:
2 + 2 = ?

Johnny pauses for a moment, furrows his brow in thought and then confidently answers "Four!"

His teacher looks at him proudly and says "Well done, Johnny; that's pretty good!"

Johnny stares at the teacher, outraged...
"What do you mean, pretty good???
It's f***ing perfect!"

 

Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY...

 

Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see?

A: A mole of molasses...

 

And now...for something completely different... (Monty Python wrote that phrase, not this joke, yet both are wonderfully absurd )

PROOF THAT ALL HORSES ARE WHITE:
Assume a single white horse in a room. All horses in the room are white, so the proof holds for n=1. Assume k white horses, and consider the case of k+1 horses. If we remove any one horse, we are left with k horses, which, by hypothesis, are all the same color. Since we removed an arbitrary horse, all k+1 horses are white.

PROOF THAT HORSES HAVE AN INFINITE NUMBER OF LEGS:
Horses have four legs. In the back, they have two legs, and in the front, they have forelegs. That makes six legs total. Six legs is an odd number of legs for a horse to have. But six is an even number! The only number that is odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

PROOF THAT ALEXANDER THE GREAT DID NOT EXIST, AND ALSO THAT HE HAD AN INFINITE NUMBER OF ARMS:
Alexander the Great rode into battle on a large black horse, which cannot exist per proof 1 above. Therefore, Alexander the Great did not exist.
Alexander the Great said that "Forewarned is forearmed". Four arms is an odd number of arms for a person to have, but four is an even number. The only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.

 

A guy sitting at a bar leans to his neighbor and asks "wanna hear a joke about mathematicians?"

His neighbor, a big man responds,
"Before you continue, I'll have you know I am a mathematician and a black belt in karate.
My friend there is a mathematician who moonlights as a professional wrestler
and our other buddy over there is a mathematician and ex-Special Forces.
Do you still want to tell your joke?"

The jokester turns away muttering: "Nope. I don't feel like explaining it three times."

 

Q: What does a teary-eyed, joyful Santa say about chemistry?

A: HOH, HOH, HOH!

 

After the Flood, Noah is going around and checking on all the animals, making sure they're being fruitful and multiplying.
Everyone is multiplying like, well, animals, except the snakes.

"What's wrong?" asks Noah.
"Just cut down some trees for us," say the snakes.

Noah does, not asking why (this is a guy who built an ark to carry two of every animal after all).
A few weeks later he comes back and there are baby snakes everywhere.

"What happened?" asks Noah.
"We're adders," say the snakes, "and we need logs to multiply."

 

Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4...

(i remember this one from high school...)

 

Dear Math,

I am not a therapist. Solve your own problems!

 

Q: Why is potassium a racist element?

A: Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK...

 

Let party derivative be defined as number of bottles of alcohol beverages that can bought after selling empty bottles left by party-goers.

What is a definition of good party?
Second derivative is greater than zero

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Animal House for Mathematicians

 

When a 3rd grader was asked to cite Newton's First Law, she said,
"Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay at rest unless their mothers call them to get up."