Adult Science Jokes

Ovulation versus Cretinism

Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory
of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in
the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory
at school.

In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour
of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught
in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth.
Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.

Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:

1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This
can be confirmed by every ornithologist.

2. The alleged human foetal development contains several features that the
theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.

3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately
nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a
newborn child is newborn.

4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of
sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where
sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.

5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive
correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are
decreasing.

6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific
methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the
stork.

 

Ginsberg's Theorem
(The modern statement of the three laws of thermodynamics)

1. You can't win.
2. You can't even break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.
4. THE LAW OF ENTROPY: The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.


Damn, I'm in a cynical mood today...

 

I was feeling very optimistic today...

 

think about it.

 

MURPHY'S LAWS

1. THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will.
2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong,
   the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
   1. That time is always when you least expect it.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
    1. The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus errors,
    the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in the same direction.
16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved.
    1. In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed if more than one person is involved.
17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the final invoice.
18. If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

 

• Math test: A farmer plants 7 crops of tomatoes and 3 crops of carrots what is the probablity his mom's name is Leslie
  
  
• History test: The American Civil War ended in 1865, explain how this had a defining role in the extinction of dinosaurs
  
  
• Literature test: Explain what the author meant by, "The apple was as red as an apple"
  
  
• Physics tests: The aliens ate 3.4 doughnuts. Their crumbs fell to the Earth because of gravity.
  Calculate how many penguins are eating pancakes at the speed of light.

 

...and another thing 'bout that gag above...have you ever noticed relationships can get a bit complex??

 

Now that I got your attention with the big red sign (or blue), slow down for a very deep moment.

 

Can you tell time??

 

Down the rabbit-hole...

 

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.

 

More Lab Rules...in case you didn't get it right the first time.


**actually, on #7...my lab partner & I found that getting copies of the previous labs were very helpful...they gave us a template to build off of...we didn't copy results or activities, it just gave us something better than starting from scratch...so we could FOCUS on the lab more. Our teacher was an SOB when it came to lab prep, a real PITA.