Adult Science Jokes

A man, complaining of headaches, entered a hospital for diagnostic tests. A doctor examined the results for a brain scan and told the patient, "I have bad news and good news for you. The bad news is that you have a serious brain disease and will die without treatment. The good news is that this hospital has developed a new procedure for brain transplants and due to a car accident this morning two 'fresh' brains are available: one is from a taxi driver and the other is from a scientist. The brain of the taxi driver costs $225,000, while that of the scientist is only $29.95." Puzzled, the patient asked, "Why is the scientist's brain was so much cheaper?" The doctor replied, "It's used..."

 

A scientist who enjoyed considerable success during the first half of his life was eventually knighted. His name was Sir Ramick. Unfortunately, he developed a mental illness in his early fifties in which he had a split personality: he was a scientist most of the time and a murderer during brief "bad periods".
During his first "bad period", he got into an argument with a taxi driver over the amount of a fare and sliced the driver's throat. He went to jail, was prosecuted, found guilty and placed on death row. On the day of his electrocution, the executioner asked Sir Ramick if he had any last requests. He responded, "I would like to eat 10 bananas before I die." It seemed like a harmless request and so Sir Ramick was granted his wish. He promptly ate 10 bananas and said confidently, "Put me in the chair now." When the executioner flipped the switch, nothing happened. Now, in the country where Sir Ramick resided, there was an unusual law that said if the execution of a death-row inmate fails due to an act of God or any other reason then he should be set free. Sir Ramick happily left the execution facility and went home to work on a new science project.
A month later, he went for a walk during a beautiful evening lit by a full moon. Unfortunately, his bad personality emerged. He grabbed a teen-aged boy and threw him into a wide river. The boy was found dead the next day and Sir Ramick was again imprisoned. On the day of his execution, he again requested to eat ten bananas and again the electrocution apparatus failed to kill him. He exited the facility smiling.
Two months later, the scientist went to church and shot a nun. The community was in an uproar. How could such a violent man be allowed to roam the streets, the citizens complained. They signed a petition to repeal the execution loophole law but it would be at least six months before the government would be able to respond. In the execution facility, Sir Ramick met the executioner for a third time and requested to eat 10 bananas as before. Knowing that Sir Ramick was a superb scientist, the executioner suspected that the scientist somehow was using his scientific knowledge to escape death. After a discussion with other members at the execution facility, Sir Ramick was granted his wish to eat 10 bananas for a third time. And again, the machine failed to kill him when the switch was flipped.
Just before going out the facility's main entrance, the executioner approached Sir Ramick and asked him, "I need to know what's going on. Is it the bananas?" To which, the scientist replied, "No, I'm just a bad conductor..."

 

Why did the chicken cross the road??

Richard Feynman : It didn't cross the road to the other side. It actually came back to where it started but was momentarily moving backward in time.
.emit ni drawkcab gnivom yliratnemom saw tub detrats ti erehw to kcab emac yllautca tI .edis rehot eht to daor eht ssorc t'ndid tI :namnyeF drahciR
Taken from : Surely you are joking, Mr. Feynman!

Nicolaus Copernicus : Despite the evidence of you senses I can show that it is mathematically simpler to describe it as the road passing under the chicken.

Archimedes
A1 : To actualize its potential.
A2 : She was buoyant and excited at the thought of new adventures.
A3 : Eureka!

Andre Ampere : To keep up with current events.

Alexander Graham Bell : To get to the nearest phone.

 

Algebraists do it by symbolic manipulation.''

 

Why did the chicken cross the road?? (the saga continues...)

Werner Heisenberg
A1 : We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
A2 : It was uncertain if it could make it, but wanted to try on general principles.
A3 : Because the chicken is moving very fast, you can either observe the chicken or you can measure the chicken, but you cannot do both.
A4 : We could tell you how it crossed the road, but we couldn't tell you where.

Robert Boyle : She had been under too much pressure at home.

Marie Curie : She was radiating with enthusiasm as she crossed the road.

Albert Camus : It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

C. J. Doppler : For its effect on passer-bys.

Thomas Edison : She thought it would be an illuminating experience.

Karl Gauss : Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.

Hawking
A1: The first seconds made the universe in such a way that chickens cross the road.
A2: There exist numerous parallel universes in which the same chicken is in differing stages of crossing the road. Only when one of the chickens has completed crossing the road do their wave functions coallesce.

Albert Einstein : Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your point of view. The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Gustav Hertz : Lately, its been crossing with greater frequency. : Because of the magnetic personality of the rooster on the other side.

Galileo : To get a better look at the stars.

Johannes Kepler : He crossed in an arc, not a straight line.

Lemaître : He crossed with a big bang.

Newton
1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
2) It was pushed on the road.
3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from the road.
4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.

Ohm : There was more resistance on this side of the road.

Pascal : It was pressured to cross the road.

Wolfgang Pauli : There already was a chicken on this side of the road.

James Watt : It thought it would be a good way to let off steam.

Zeno of Elea : To prove it could never reach the other side.

Stephen Jay Gould : It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behaviour, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviours that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.

Aristotle
A1 : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
A2 : The other side of the road was its natural place.
A3 : To actualize its potential.

Immanuel Kant : The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Jean-Paul Sartre : In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Jean Foucault : It didn’t. The rotation of the earth made it appear to cross.

Nietzsche : Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

 

Mathematics contains much that will neither hurt one if one does not know it nor help one if one does know it...

J.B. Mencken

 

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon..."
-Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

 

Joke?

 

Someday I'll get a bumper sticker that says:

GRAVITY IS A DOWNER

But I guess it's more accurate to say "Gravity is _the_ downer."

 

Why are Acids and Alkalis such excellent topics for school children?

Because they're pHun...

 

If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics...

 

You might be a chemist if you wash your hands BEFORE going to the bathroom...

 

(Fe)male = male with iron added for greater strength, ductility and magnetism...