Adult Science Jokes

And now a warning from your local Science Awareness Dept. (SAD),
rather than our more general alert, something serious about a more radical "drug"...

 

Three months before his 1905 seminal relativity paper, Einstein perform the following thought experiment, which, by the way, is known as a gedanken experiment in theoretical physics:

Einstein imagined, "If I vere to put my hand on a hot stove for a minute, it vould seem like an hour. But if I vere to sit with a pretty girl for an hour, it vould seem like a minute. By Jove, I think time is relative..."

 

In honor of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (think about it if you've read it or seen it...)

 

A little boy refused to run anymore. When his mother asked him why, he replied, "I heard that the faster you go, the shorter you become..."

 

A six-year-old boy spotted Albert Einstein walking down the street and decided to try out his favorite joke on him: "Mr. Einstein! Why did the chicken cross the road?" To which the famous physicist replied, "My young burgeoning mind, zee question does not have a definite anzer. Vether zee chicken crossed zee road or zee road crossed zee chicken depends on your frame of reference..."

 

The physicist says to the chemist:
Why'd she dump you?
"Steric hinderence."

 

There is a sign in Munich that says, "Heisenberg might have slept here..."

 

Jupiter Scientific is pleased to report that physicists have embarked on their own product safety campaign, recommending that manufacturers provide consumers with all of the following labels:

WARNING: Due to its heavy mass, this product warps the space surrounding it. No health hazards are yet known to be associated with effect.

NOTE: This product may actually be nine-dimensional but, if this is the case, functionality is not affected by the extra six dimensions.

HEALTH WARNING: This product (and every product of the Manufacturer) emits low-level nuclear radiation.

NOTE: A subatomic "glue" holds the fundamental constituents of this product together. Since the exact nature of this glue is not yet fully understood, its adhesive power cannot be guaranteed. To date, no known malfunction of the product has resulted from glue failure.

DISCLAIMER: Manufacturer is not responsible for loss should this product disappear into a wormhole.

LIMITED WARRANTY: Despite the efforts of the Manufacturer, the chaos in this package has increased since being shipped. If such chaos has rendered the product defective, Buyer shall not hold Manufacturer responsible. Claims in this regard should be aimed directly at the Shipper.

NOTE: Despite its appearance, this product is more than 99.99% empty space.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING: According to quantum theory, this product may collapse into another state if directly observed.

HANDLE WITH CARE: This product contains countless, minute, electrically charged particles moving at extremely high speeds.

EXTREME CAUTION: This product has an energy-equivalent that, if exploded, could destroy a small town. Under no circumstance shall a User perform a mass-energy transformation on any of the contents in this package. In case of misuse, liability shall rest entirely with the User.

GUARANTEED RETURN CLAUSE: Because of the uncertainty principle, we have shipped this product with a limited speed notice. However, if shippers have disregarded our notice, we cannot guarantee that all the contents are in the box. If you discover missing components, please call the 1-800 number on the instruction sheet.

IMPORTANT: This product is composed of 100% matter: It is the responsibility of the User to make sure that it does not come in contact with antimatter. Under no circumstances will the Manufacturer be liable for User mishandling in this regard.

QUALITY STANDARD: The electrons, protons and neutrons are guaranteed to be of same quality as those used in other products of the Manufacturer.

DISAPPEARANCE EXCLUSION: Due to quantum tunneling, there is an extremely tiny chance that this product may suddenly disappear at any time (and reappear elsewhere). The Manufacturer will not be responsible for such mysterious disappearances.

AS REQUIRED BY LAW, we must inform you that any use of this product increases the amount of disorder in the universe. As of the date shipped, Congress has not passed any bills assigning a tax on disorder pollution.

USE LIMITATION: This product cannot be guaranteed to function normally near a black hole.

 

My Mom says, "You do nothing all day..."

Me:
I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide;
I regenerate cells;
I transmit nerve signals to my brain;
I digest food...

How is that nothing??

 

Ten little known facts about relativity:
(1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
(2) Energy equals milk chocolate square (attributed to Albert E. Hersey)
(3) Delivery of Christmas gifts by Santa to the children of the world is now accomplished by riding Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
(4) The general relativity theory of gravitation is responsible for people falling in love.
(5) The speed of an IRS tax refund is constant.
(6) Anger is neither created nor conserved but only changed from one form to another.
(7) The speed of time is one second per second, which is also called the fundamental unity.
(8) Death and taxes are the same for all constantly moving observers.
(9) Moving midgets are shortened.
(10) Divorce and alimony are equivalent but the latter is multiplied by an enormous factor...

 

Q: How were three graduate physics students able to demonstrated that a human could travel faster than light?
A: The three students went to a store and bought a stop watch and a candle. Then, they proceeded to a high school track field. The first student lit the candle and began to walk around the track. The second student waited a while and then ran after the first student. The third student worked the stop watch because physics experiments require precise measurements. When the second student rounded the track and came in first, the three students concluded that humans could travel faster than light...

 

REPLYING TO AN INVITATION TO A SCIENTIST’S BALL

• 
  Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
• Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
• Volta was electrified and Archimedes, buoyant at the thought.
• Ampere was worried he wasn’t up to current research.
• Ohm resisted the idea at first.
• Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
• Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
• Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
• Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
• Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
• Dr Jekyll declined — he hadn’t been feeling himself lately.
• Morse’s reply: “I’ll be there on the dot. Can’t stop now must dash.”
• Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
• Hertz said in the future he planned to attend with greater frequency.
• Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
• Audobon said he’d have to wing it.
• Hawking said he’d try to string enough time together to make a space in his schedule.
• Darwin said he’d have to see what evolved.
• Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
• Mendel said he’d put some things together and see what came out.
• Descartes said he’d think about it.
• Newton was moved to attend.
• Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
• Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
• JP Clark & Siegfried the Deerslayer Wanna-Be

 

Q: What did the male magnet say to the female magnet?

A: From your backside, I thought you were repulsive. However, after seeing you from the front, I find you rather attractive...

 

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines asymmetry as a place where you bury dead people...