Adult Science Jokes

This is apparently a true story. It took place just outside of Munich, Germany...
Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am..."

 

What is the definition of a statistician?

Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant...

 

The following is a little known, true story about Albert Einstein (attributed to Paul Harvey).

Albert Einstein was just about finished his work on the theory of special relativity, when he decided to take a break and go on vacation to Mexico. So he hopped on a plane and headed to Acapulco. Each day, late in the afternoon, sporting dark sunglasses, he walked in the white Mexican sand and breathed in the fresh Pacific sea air. On the last day, he paused during his stroll to sit down on a bench and watch the Sun set. When the large orange ball was just disappearing, a last beam of light seemed to radiate toward him. The event brought him back to thinking about his physics work. "What symbol should I use for the speed of light?" he asked himself. The problem was that nearly every Greek letter had been taken for some other purpose. Just then, a beautiful Mexican woman passed by. Albert Einstein just had to say something to her. Almost out of desperation, he asked as he lowered his dark sunglasses, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is zery fast?" The woman smiled at Einstein (which, by the way, made his heart sink) and replied, "Si."

And know you know the rest of the story...

 

As one hipster said to another, "Man this cat gets around..."

A whole slew of
SCHROEDINGER'S CAT LIMERICKS (the last two are in German & French)
Tell us your favorite.

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Said Schroedinger," isn't this fun
Shot a cat in a box with a gun
I'll be sure it survives
'Cause the cat has nine lives
And I'll only be using just one."

Schroedinger should not have done that
It was cruel "playing God" with a cat
Which, by the way, mister
Belonged to your sister
The next time please make it a rat.

Said Schroedinger poison is nifty
To dispose of this cat, God is shifty
We can't tell if it died
Till we all peer inside
And the odds are at just that, 50/50.

The cat in the box still has growth
Or it's dead, and infested with sloth
One should not get unnerved
Till the cat is observed
It's a superposition of both.

So that is the way that you tell it
Leave a cat in a box with a pellet
Should the trigger let go
The poison will flow
And you'll know the cat's dead when you smell it.

Said Schroedinger, "let Physics advance
Though it might be kitty's last dance
When we open the box
Be prepared for some shocks
But there's only a 50% chance."

Said Schroedinger, "let's take a chance
Though it might be kitty's last dance."
"The poor cat," he then joked
"is alive, or it's croaked"
But you can't know these things in advance.

Schroedinger once started schemin'
on how to get his sister all steamin'.
He said with distaste,
As he closed up the case,
"Time for kitty to meet Maxwell's Demon"

A physicist so deft in his craft,
To his sister, did something quite daft.
Placed her cat in a state
of indetermate fate,
Where the odds it was dead were one half.

When shown a cat healthy as day,
Erwin whispered in utter dismay
"Wish the radioactvity
Had the proclivity
For a hell-of-a-lot-faster decay".

An Atom of something in flux
In Schroedinger's box is the crux
Of quantum prediction
And superposition
From the cat's point of view, it all sucks.

Though Schroedinger's ethic is shitty
And the feline's deserving of pity
In their youth, the boy cruel
With his sister at school
Did far meaner things to her kitty

Now you'd never call Erwin a "Wussy"
Nor label his working day "cushy"
But you might have to question
His endless obsession
With superpositional pussy.

Barked Schroedinger "Turn off the heat'a
Release all the chimps and the cheetah
And take all you can grab
'Cause the whole goddamn lab
Is surrounded by bastards from PETA!"

All this talk about Schroedinger's cat?
I mean, what's the big deal with that?
It's alive or it's dead
But what can surely be said
Is that the cat must be smelling a rat!

Pity Schroedinger's feline
Whose state we cannot define
It's superposition
Dependent on fission
Only the cat knows whether it's fine

For his thought experiment insightful
Was the loss of a kitty a trifle
That it lives or it's curtains
Remains quite uncertain
His sis found the test less delightful

In Schroedinger's box sat a kitty
Unaware of it's fate, what a pity
More intelligent sods
Wouldn't have taken those odds
50:50 is really quite shitty!

The experiment, said the cat with a wink
Is much simplier than what you might think
To end Erwin's test
Put uncertainty to rest
A meow is required, I think.

"Will you help me show states that are pending?"
said Schrödinger with sighs quite heart-rending,
But his cat said "no thanks -
Give the box to the Manx,
For his is the tale with no ending".

Die Katze von Schrödinger's Schwester
Hat das Leben im Kisten das Beste
"Je länger ich lebe - solang ich nicht schwebe-
Wird Schrödinger's's Zweifel noch fester!"

Le chat de sa soeur dit "ma foi!
Schrödinger me traite comme un roi,
Et ma vie prend une pause, comme Louis Cat-orze
car, l'état, c'est (à moitié) moi....."

 

Q: How many theoretical physicists specializing in general relativity does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the universe.

 

It has been rumored that Edmund Scientific is trying to keep up with the times. The following amusing incident confirms this belief. The Chairman of a Physics Department ordered some lab equipment from the company. When the package arrived, a secretary opened it and found the following warning label: "Despite its superficial appearance, this product at a microscopic level might be made of strings. Manufacturer will prosecute to the maximum extent of the copyright law any attempt to make a supersymmetric version...

 

Famous Last Words

• Nuclear physicist: See, cold fusion does not work.
• Nuclear physicist: What was the critical mass, exactly?
• Physicist: And now we reach absolute zero...
• Mathematician: And now we divide by zero.
• Microbiologist: These bacteria cannot live outside the substrate.
• Field biologist: They never attack humans.
• Astronomer: That asteroid does not hit the Earth.
• Sociologist: This elite won't kill to gain even more power.
• Anthropologist: This is a standard custom here.
• Economist: This system will tend to harmony.
• Organization theorist: Dissenters can always exit if they cannot raise voice.

And The last words of a chemist...
1. And now the tasting test.
2. May that become hot?
3. And now a little bit from this...
4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!
5. And now shake it a bit.
6. Why is there no label on this bottle?
7. In which glass was my mineral water?
8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!
9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
10. *H* stands for Nitrogen - and that does *not* burn...
11. Oh, now I have spilt something...
12. First the acid, then the water...
13. And now the detonating gas problem.
14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.
15. Where did I put my gloves?
16. O' no, wrong beaker...
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away...
19. And now keep ith constat at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...
20. Peter can you please help me. Peter!?! Peeeeeteeeeer?!?!?!?
21. I feel it how long 15 seconds are!
22. Something is wrong here...
23. Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.
25. And now a cigarette...

 

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut...

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A woman walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender
says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here."

The woman replies, "These are very special animals."
"How so?"
"They're knot theorists."

The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I've met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals,
but never an animal that was a knot theorist."

"Well, I'll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like."
So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant."
"Arf, arf" barks the dog.

The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological invariant."
The cow says, "Mu, mu."
At this point the bartender turns to the woman, says, "Just what are you trying to pull?"
and throws them out of the bar.

Outside, the dog turns to the woman and asks,
"Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial?"

 

Q: What is the simplest way to observe the optical Doppler effect?

A: Go out at and look at cars. The lights of the ones approaching you are white, while the lights of the ones moving away from you are red...

 

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines an elementary particle as the dreams that stuff is made of...

 

THE SCIENCE OF KISSING

There is a general feeling in the public that IISc/IIT students are fundu, unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time.
And girls fare no better in this respect.
So let us see what a Non IISc/IITain may face when he marries a girl from this campus.

SCENE: First night of the marriage.

CHARACTERS: IISc/IIT Bride and Non IISc/IIT Groom.

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what
would be her reaction..

GIRL FROM DEPT OF PHYSICS:

"Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with respect to you.
First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by treating me in the same reference frame as you are
or treating me in a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips.
How do you prefer?

The guy faints.

GIRL FROM DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

"Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following conditions...

Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where delta is greater than zero
and the limit for delta tends to zero and you satisfy the closure property.

Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is neither more than two nor less than two.
You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.

The guy goes mad.

GIRL FORM ECOLOGICAL SCIENCES:

"Oh Kissing, that is interesting phenomena that occurs in nature.
This is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens
but also in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and insects.
Out of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in Yugoslavia 90% of them seem to involve in the process of kissing
but the subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kiss female ant.
First observe the behaviour of ants and cockroaches under various conditions. That will be very interesting . Isn't it?

The guy has heart attack.

GIRL FROM CS (Computer Science):

"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for that very well.
But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out.
To optimise the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things,
let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?"

The guy applies for divorce.

GIRL from EE (Electrical Engineering):

"So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age old communication process.
The information content of the signal transmitted from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event (of kissing) is less.
Hence take care. If you want a successful communication between us, you should kiss me less often.
If the information content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!"

The guy is found hanging from a fan next day

 

THE PHYSICISTS' BILL OF RIGHTS

We hold these postulates to be intuitively obvious, that all physicists are born equal, to a first approximation, and are endowed by their creator with certain discrete privileges, among them a mean rest life, n degrees of freedom, and the following rights which are invariant under all linear transformations:

1. To approximate all problems to ideal cases.
2. To use order of magnitude calculations whenever deemed necessary (i.e. whenever one can get away with it).
3. To use the rigorous method of "squinting" for solving problems more complex than the addition of positive real integers.
4. To dismiss all functions which diverge as "nasty" and "unphysical."
5. To invoke the uncertainty principle when confronted by confused mathematicians, chemists, engineers, psychologists, dramatists, and other lower scientists.
6. When pressed by non-physicists for an explanation of (4) to mumble in a sneering tone of voice something about physically naive mathematicians.
7. To equate two sides of an equation which are dimensionally inconsistent, with a suitable comment to the effect of, "Well, we are interested in the order of magnitude anyway."
8. To the extensive use of "bastard notations" where conventional mathematics will not work.
9. To invent fictitious forces to delude the general public.
10. To justify shaky reasoning on the basis that it gives the right answer.
11. To cleverly choose convenient initial conditions, using the principle of general triviality.
12. To use plausible arguments in place of proofs, and thenceforth refer to these arguments as proofs.
13. To take on faith any principle which seems right but cannot be proved.

 

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines a transistor as a nun who's had a sex change...

 

The Official Unabashed Scientific Dictionary defines hyperspace as the place where you park your limousine at a superstore...

 

While this is not literally science...it does affect Science Majors.

50 Fun Things To Do In A Final That Does Not Matter
(i. e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work.
Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm
SOOO sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to
every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam.
Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language.
If you don't know one, make one up!For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on
above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious. . .
like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just
failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with
the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are
asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"

 

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?