Adult Science Jokes

Q: What did one quantum physicist say when he wanted to fight another quantum physicist?

A: Let me atom...

 

OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state of maximum entropy

 

Top ten reasons why e is inferior to pi

10) e is less challenging to spell than pi.
9) e ~=2.718281828459045, which can be easily memorized to its billionth place, whereas pi needs "skills" to be memorized.
8) The character for e is so cheap that it can be found on a keyboard.
But pi is special (it's under "special symbols" in word processor programs.)
7) Pi is the bigger piece of pie.
6) e has an easy limit definition and infinite series. The limit definition of pi and the infinite series are much harder.
5) e you understand what it is even though you start learning it late when you're in pre-calculus.
But pi, even after five or six years it's still hard to know what it really is.
4) People mistakenly confuse Euler's Number (e) with Euler's Constant (gamma). There is no confusion with the one and only pi
3) e is named after a person, but pi stands for itself.
2) Pi is much shorter and easier to say than "Euler's Number".
1) To read pi, you don't have to know that Euler's name is really pronounced Oiler.

 

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!" "Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I 'm absolutely positive..."

 

After............. atto ............. 10*-18
Fellatio .......... femto .......... 10*-15
Please .......... pico ............. 10*-12
Note ............ nano ............ 10*-9
You ............. micro ........... 10*-6
Must ............ milli .............. 10*-3
Cum ............ centi ............ 10*-2
Kiss ............. Kilo .............. 10*3
My .............. mega ........... 10*6
Giant ........... giga .............. 10*9
Todger ........ tera .............. 10*12

 

When a third-grade student was asked to define the term "vacuum" in class, she answered, "A vacuum is an empty region of space where the Pope lives..."

 

Q: Which right-hand rule do students use on bad physics professors?


A: Step 1: Extend your right arm forward from the elbow. Step 2: Keeping your palm facing to the left, stick out your middle finger. Step 3: Rotate your hand 90 degrees clockwise...

 

"Labgrumping"

(to the tune of "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba)

I take gels down, and put 'em up again, (chorus)
and I run 'em for another round.
I take gels down, and put 'em up again,
and I run 'em for another round.
I take gels down, and put 'em up again,
and I run 'em for another round.
I take gels down, and put 'em up again,
and I run 'em for another round.

Sequencing DNA... sequencing DNA...

We wash the plates again, we pour the gels again,
we wash the gels again, we flip the combs again,

Then we retrack and extract all the gel files,
then we analyze and dump all the sample files.

No life for me, life for me, life for meeee....

I take gels down, and put 'em up again, (chorus)
and I run 'em for another round.
I take gels down, and put 'em up again,
and I run 'em for another round.
I take gels down, and put 'em up again,
and I run 'em for another round.
I take gels down, and put 'em up again,
and I run 'em for another round.

Sequencing DNA... sequencing DNA...

We wash the plates again, we pour the gels again,
we wash the gels again, we flip the combs again,

Then we retrack and extract all the gel files,
then we analyze and dump all the sample files.

Oh woe for me, woe for me, woe for meeee....

*repeat chorus

 

Here is a teaching tip for physics professors: When a student tries to paraphrase something you have just taught, feed her or him the following line: "I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."

This will guarantee that the student will not interrupt your class again until the next semester...

 

Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:

(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong. (3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.

In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out...

 

The cynical math professor said,

Some of my freshman math students are so clueless...
They think General Calculus was a famous war hero!

If General Calculus actually did exist,
he probably knew how to integrate his troops together and differentiate between his enemies and his allies.

 

How can you tell if a scientist has been locked in your refrigerator??

You know the old joke about how you can tell if an elephant has been locked in your refrigerator?
There are footprints in the butter...

Well then, how can you tell...

If a mathematician has been locked in your refrigerator?
If the walls are covered with equations and the coffee is all gone

If a quantum physicist has been locked in your refrigerator?
All of a sudden you are uncertain if the milk is there or not

If a developmental biologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
All the eggs have hatched into some really strange looking chicks

If a bacteriologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
There are those little red biohazard stickers on everything

If a geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
All the yeasts and bacteria genomes have been sequenced and their phylum mapped on the walls

If a molecular geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
A cross between a chicken and an eggplant walks out

If a materials scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
You can now spread the butter only one molecule thick and there is no way to cut the cheese without a focused ion beam

If an immunologist has been locked in your refrigerator
There is a patent pending and a new drug entering Phase I clinical trials based on the grey-green stuff growing on the leftovers

A computer scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
The refrigerator now uses four times the power and has to be restarted every other time you open the door

If a modern plant scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
All the vegetables look perfect, last forever and taste like nothing

If an environmental scientist has been locked in your fridge?
All the spills have been catalogued and there is a treatise on global warming half written in soy-sauce-based ink on the door

If a M.Sc. student has been locked in your refrigerator?
All the food is gone except for the healthy stuff

And If a postdoc has been locked in your refrigerator?
All the food is gone and the shelves licked clean...

 

Have you heard that entropy isn't what it used to be?

 

Q: Where does bad light end up?

A: In a prism...

 

The Ultimate List of Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineering Chicks

1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

3. Since distance equals velocity times time,
let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

4. My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

5. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

6. How about you and I go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

7. You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

8. You're sweeter than glucose.

9. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between you and me?

10. Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

11. Isn't your e-mail address beautifulgirl#NoSpam.mydreams.com

12. You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

 

Ok...match the Chemistry term at the bottom with the phrase
Hint: It will be punny

Chemistry Test 1

1. What a ship does when it's torpedoed. ____________

2. When there's no gas left, we say it's ____________.

3. The weather in Antarctica is quite ____________.

4. Overtime for British policemen. ____________.

5. What we do when we're in pain. ____________

6. ____________ is a measure of, uh, light intensity.

7. What you get if you put Robin Williams in jail. ____________

8. The power company's special cocktail. ____________

9. She hit me with an Eveready, so I charged her with assault with ____________.

10. Old Chemistry profs never die, they just fail to ____________.

11. What the cowboy did with his horses. ____________

12. When I meet a 6'6" mugger, ____________ away very fast.

13. The element that comes after nine. ____________

14. An original inhabitant of North America. ____________

15. Motto of land developer: ____________ is better.

16. Slang for "You got it correct". ____________!

17. ____________ only at the finest restaurants.

18. When a Chemistry prof dies, we have a funeral, then____________.

19. How can you expect me to do all these problems? ____________ little boy!

20. "I'll knock down these buildings!" "You mean you'll ___________?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
a) Aluminum......... f) Beaker ................... k) Iodine .............. p) Rhodium
b) Ammonia.......... g) Copper nitrate ....... l) Iron .................. q) Silicon
c) Argon ................ h) Gold ..................... m) Platinum ......... r) Sulphur
d) Barium............... i) Hydrogen .............. n) Radon .............. s) Tin
e) Battery................ j) Indium ................. o) React ................ t) Zinc

 

Title: A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and rode across the Wheatstone Bridge into a magnetic field, next to a flowing current , to watch the sine waves.

Micro Farad was very much stimulated by Millie's characteristic curve. Being attractive himself, he soon had her field fully excited. He set her on the ground potential, raised his frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. When he inserted it in parallel, he short-circuited her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". As he increased his tube to maximum output, her coil vibrated from the current flow. It did not take long for her shunt to reach maximum heat. Now with the excessive current shortening her shunt, Micro's capacity rapidly discharged – every electron was drained off. But that was not the end of it. Indeed, they fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet weakened, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they went home. A few weeks later, they were merged forever and oscillated happily ever after...

 

The Laws of Thermodynamics as seen by a Gambler

• First Law: You can't bet unless you play.
• Second Law: The most you can hope for is to break even.
• Third Law: You can't break even.
• Fourth Law: Once you're born, you can't even get out of the game!

 

Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably....

• "According to a recent poll, 51% of all Americans are in the majority."
• I'm not an outlier; I just haven't found my distribution yet
• "40% of the sick leaves are on a monday or friday. This must change"
• Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
• Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.
• Variance is what any two staticticians are at.
• 97.3% of all statistics are made up.
• I could prove God statistically.
• 3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
• Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
• There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
• 80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
• A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine
• A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted asumption to a foregone conclusion.
• Torture the data long enough and they will confess to anything.

Are statisticians normal?

 

A physics professor, who was teaching a graduate course on superstring theory, decided to add an essay question to this year's final exam. The instructions read, "Describe the universe in 400 words or less and give three examples..."