02-20-2004, 11:10 AM
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#1 (permalink)
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Free Mars!
Location: I dunno, there's white people around me saying "eh" all the time
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Amusing but true...
Clinky Linky
Quote:
Red Sox Nation Raises Terror Alert to Red
Red Sox Nation raised their terror alert status on Sunday to red, citing recent activity by the dictator of the New York Yankees, largely considered the ‘Evil Empire’ of the modern world.
The Boston Red Sox created this color-coded terror alert warning system last year to help the organization and their fans measure the threat of the Yankees winning the next World Series. Any time the Yankees trade for, or sign a player, the terror alert status rises.
Communications between the Yankees and SS Alex Rodriguez, intercepted by ESPN, indicate that the team has acquired the superstar just months after negotiations between the Texas Rangers and the Red Sox Nation fell through.
"There is no doubt, from all the intelligence we gathered, that George Steinbrenner, known in several terrorist circles as the ‘Boss’, plans to systematically dismantle each and every major league baseball team through scare techniques, intimidation, and, if needed, by buying all their good players,” said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons.
Gammons also added that surveillance by ESPN's Harold Reynolds has uncovered several ‘cells’ that serve as training grounds for the Yankees organization. These militant groups, identified only by the letters, ‘A’, ‘AA’ or ‘AAA’ depending upon their skills and experience, will be called upon in battle should any of the Yankees become wounded.
The color red represents ‘Severe’ – the highest threat. After the Yankees blew the 2003 World Series and lost pitchers Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte and David Wells, the threat indicator was at green. When the team acquired OF Kenny Lofton, it was raised to blue. When it acquired P Javier Vasquez, it was raised to yellow. Then, the threat indicator was raised to orange just after free agents Kevin Brown and Gary Sheffield were signed.
The acquisition of A-Rod, however, carries a much higher risk for opponents like the Red Sox.
“Today, the Boss dropped a bomb on the baseball world, and our fellow baseball teams and their ability to win came under attack from the forces of evil in a deliberate and senseless trade,” said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. “I ask for your prayers for all those small market teams whose dreams have been shattered. In these desperate times of need, I call upon my own men, especially starting pitcher Curt Schilling, to go to battle and defend us. Finally, I appeal to Ben Affleck to sit on the third base line and support our cause in these moments of hardship. Thank you, and may God bless Red Sox Nation.”
Boston Red Sox manager Theo Epstein lashed out against Steinbrenner Monday for what his calls “crimes against humanity.” He also called the Yankees owner “a big piece of shit.”
The Yankee terror alert level was raised to Severe after the A-Rod signing
Pittsburgh Pirates coach Lloyd McClendon also expressed his outrage over the Yankee’s signing of A-Rod:
“Though we face an attack at the hands of a tyrant who wears bad suits, we will not be intimated,” said McClendon. “Instead, this small market team will stand tall in the face of adversity and sign as many third-rate players as we can to at least give the impression that we are a force to be reckoned with. Salomon Torres, Jose Mesa, Mark Guthrie and Orlando Merced will not go down without a fight.”
Red Sox fans are saying this trade could rival or exceed any pain that Sox fans have experienced at the hands of the Yankees.
“This is much, much harder to take than Aaron Boone’s HR in last year’s ALCS or Bucky Dent’s home run in the ’78 Playoff, said Walt Brigsby, a 98-year-old Red Sox fan who’s had season tickets for over 80 years. Then again, I don’t know if anything will be harder to deal with than September 11, 1920, when we sold Babe Ruth to the Yankees for a measly $125,000.”
Other fans were more upset over the fact that A-Rod was so close to putting on a Red Sox jersey.
“Dude, losing A-Rod is a tough pill to swallow,” said Red Sox fan Jason Kuster, 34. “I mean, finding out my wife is sleeping with the UPS guy was rough, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through this one. I swear, if their [the Yankees] payroll goes above $200 million, this is war.”
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Looking out the window, that's an act of war. Staring at my shoes, that's an act of war. Committing an act of war? Oh you better believe that's an act of war
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