yosho

Ok umm, I'll try to keep this short.

So I met this new girl who goes to the same college as me, one night we were both kinda drunk and we hooked up and had sex.

At first, we both thought it was just a fling, no big deal, but over the next few weeks, I've been talking to this girl a lot. Right now it's break for us so she's in NYC and I'm somewhere upstate, so all we can do is talk on the phone. However, I talk to this girl for hours everyday, I really like her and I'm pretty sure she likes me too.

Now the problem is that once we start discussing where we're headed, she starts saying how she isn't ready for a relationship (since she recently broke up with her ex). She also wants the freedom to mess around with other guys, something she has done at least 3 times since I started talking to her. She also mentioned the possibility of an open relationship with me.

I really don't want an open relationship, I don't know if I could handle her messing around all the time. At the same time, I think I really have feelings for this girl and I know we definitely have a connection. I'm just not sure what to do anymore. I think that her messing around with other guys is eventually going to really bother me, but apart of me still wants to take the chance and hope that she's ready to settle down in the near future.

Also, she tells me that I'm not just another one of her guys, that I'd be taking a risk on her but that it might be worth it in the end...but I don't know if I believe her.

advice? Thanks.

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mm...sex is fun

Siege

Basically, she likes you. But she also likes other penises as well.

Every girl seems like God's gift to you when you have what we call one-itis.

If you really don't want an open relationship, then go meet new people. You'll probably find other girls that you have a connection with and feelings for.

It's much harder to change others, than it is to change your surroundings.

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SERPENT7

Dude, she is trying to get the best of both worlds. She wants a FwB, (no commitment) but she is reasonably certain you are not gonna mess around w/ other girls. Also, you are her Intellectual Whore. (Fun to just hang with, cuddle with, dump her personal probs on, etc.) Then when she wants an outlaw biker, she has no guilt, because she told you ahead of time, right?

Dragonknight

This sounds like a bad trip either way you go there boss. She admits to likeing you but only enough to have an open ralationship, and you already said that this is something you can't handle. Serpent7 said it when he called you her Intellectual Whore. (she might not have you completely yet, but that's what I think she's shooting for.) You're going to be the nice guy that she gets all her feel good times with, but when she just wants to get down and do it. Yeah you won't be that guy any more. Basically you'll get the good girl within and others will get the bad girl. Move on and maybe later once she's setteled down you can have something more, but now now.

Good luck either way.

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Freedom is NOT Free.

yosho

well I dunno, if anything I think we're more fuck buddies since she tells me she wants to get with me again and that she wouldn't mind fucking around and doing stuff, but she just doesn't want to be committed in a relationship right now.

Like normally, I would be fine just messing around with a girl, but I think I care about this girl too much and now I'm not sure what I should do.

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mm...sex is fun

absorbentishe

It sucks when emotions get involved, eh? You certainly won't get her to commit, so why not just take that approach, have fun while you can, but keep the possibilities open. When you are messing around, try to do everything you can, that you probably won't with your wife (when you get there). Live it up to the fullest, that's what I'd do.

Cynthetiq

you said in the OP that you didn't like it:

Do you eat food you don't like either hoping that it will taste better? Do you do things you don't like to do and hope that it will be funner or more enjoyable?

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Seaver

You have three options.

1) Enjoy what most of males have sought after their whole lives. A girl who you can have sex with, who gave you the green light to have sex with other women.

2) Seek a relationship with someone who doesnt want one (at the moment anyways), and end up driving her away from you because the grass is greener for her atm with seeking out other guys.

3) Have sex with her, and rely on the fact that 90% of FWB girls have turn into them seeking a relationship with their "friend". However this will require the same thing #1 does, which is accept that it's quite possible that she will have other penis' inside her in the time it takes her to warm up to the idea of another relationship.

Mantus

One thing is certain, you won't change her. The only choice is yours.

guthmund

You could stick it out and eventually down the road, she'll tire of other guys and realize that you are the one true love that stood beside her all those years.

Chances are though, or at least it's been my experience, that she's going to walk on you as long and as hard as she can until she either gets tired of it or you do.

So...enjoy the company for what it is and have yourself lots of no-strings attached sex....or run. Run far, far away and find a girl more in tune with your vibe.

Personally, I'd probably just enjoy the sex and wait for the inevitable break-up when I tell her I have better things than be her emotional support.

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yosho

Thanks for the advice guys,

I really just want to mess around with her, and if I could be okay with that then I wouldn't have a problem. But I'm really afraid that I'm going to get attached cause I already see myself really liking this girl, so I don't know if I'm going to be able to tolerate her messing around with other guys as well as me.

Anyway to not get attached as much? Talk to her less? But at the same time, I enjoy talking to her a lot, like I feel happy when I talk to her and when I see her...Blah i hate girls!

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mm...sex is fun

analog

yosho: where emotions come into play, my experience (both personal and observed) is that you won't start caring less unless she does something really weird/bad to you, or you cut her out of your life. Might not be the perfect solution, but life isn't full of easy decisions- that would be boring.

dlish

thats just her telling you the following:

1)"she tells me that I'm not just another one of her guys" - i like you but.... i dont like good guys, i like bad boys' cocks when it comes down to the crunch.
2)"that I'd be taking a risk on her " - in 'x' amount of time... - sorry i found someone else to fuck. thanks for taking the risk on me, better luck next time.

3)"but that it might be worth it in the end" - worth it for who? for her cos u became her biatch. she went round fucking other guys while u had one-itis. thats just her saying stick around and fuck me till i find someone who fucks me better.

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crow_daw

What can I say that hasn't already been said? These guys know what they're talking about man.

Listen to them.

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Toaster126

Sounds like you can't handle a sexual relationship without the intimacy and attachment to me. Run, don't walk away.

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Seeker

I can't believe it... this girl has been up front, straight out telling it how it is, and now you want to rip apart her honesty and make her out to be this bad, immoral liar or something!

She's called it and now yosho has the problem.

Can yosho handle the fact that this girl wants to keep the relationship open... that is the question here.

yosho, like others have said, these are your emotions. Either you go for the ride or you don't. A growing experience this may be if you go for the ride, the challenge being maintaining your feelings, or overcoming your need for one-itis. But if you do go for it, remember that it is your one-itis and your only decision is if you think that is the only way to maintain a relationship.

I know of people who find open relationships more meaningful than others who limit themselves to 'one' other. It is only the capacity to maintain the self that enables your ability to have meaningful and healthy relationships, whether with only one other partner or more.

How far down the rabbit hole are you willing to go?

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

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yosho

haha thanks for all the advice

I have a feeling all of you are right about her just using me for emotional support/sex. However, at the same time, I enjoy being with her and talking to her, so I'm going to see where it goes. If she fucks around with other guys then that's something I'm going to have to deal with, and I'll either be okay with it and realize it's an open relationship or just be hurt and walk away. But right now, I think i'm stable enough to handle it so I shall see what happens...and who knows, maybe i'll just fuck around too.

we will see what happens...

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mm...sex is fun

tooth

So long as you are prepared to be hurt (because you will get hurt), then help yourself.

Ilow

I recommend having sex with at least one other girl while you contemplate your dilemma. It will give you much needed perspective and if your FWB finds out, you might be all the more attractive to her. As has repeatedly been said, DO NOT expect her to change. She clearly has some characterlogical issue that is driving her to hook up with lots of different guys. I doubt that is going away any time soon.

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skier

Finally! I was getting worried that the people here didn't see the facts.

The girl was upfront and honest about the whole thing. She's not trying to trap yosho into being the "nice guy". She just doesn't believe in monogamy.

Yosho, the problem is yours. Getting her to change would be harder to do than trying to make her change religions (or to a religion). You either have to embrace her belief or move on. It's not something you can ignore or learn to live with, since it directly applies to your relationship. The decision is yours, and yours alone.

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"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

ConsoleMaster

You'll be hurt on this one. It's a warning.

MoonDog

Yosho, you got a girl who told you up front what the deal was. That is a GOOD thing! Now all you have to do is decide if you can handle it, which you said you think you can do. All that remains is this simple advice:

Until you are many months into an exclusive relationship with this person, you best be suiting up your Johnson each and every time you hook up!

The.Lunatic

more + fish + sea = win for your LTR woes. However keep that NUMBER! tell her on wednesday or so that your going out friday night might get a little drunk and could need some company at the end of the night.


//edit P.S. Girls don't know what they want (in a relationship) oh they have criteria, but they don't really know. If you think you can show her more power to you

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genuinegirly

Just remember to use a condom ...

if she's enjoying other men as well...

Seems pretty basic but please don't end up ill as well as heartbroken.

Not that it will necessarily end up badly.

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Seeker

Would ya mind if we took this over to "Coming Together"... I'd really like to see this nutted out there!

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To those who wander but who are not lost...

~ Knowledge is not something you acquire, it is something you open yourself to.

yosho

small update:

So things are getting a little better, I've been talking to her a lot lately on the phone and i saw her recently and we had like crazy sex 3 times in a day, it was hot. So I think she's really starting to like me cause she tells me that she can't wait to see me again and that her feelings towards me have changed (for the better Im guessing). Also, she hasn't mentioned anything about any other guys for awhile and I seem to be the only one in the picture at the moment.

I guess I can't really tell how things are going to end up since school hasn't started yet. But once school starts and we get into the flow of things, I'm hoping things with me and her will continue as they're going, it's not overly serious, but serious enough to the point where I think I can depend on her to take into consideration my feelings when she does stuff...if she does stuff...

I'm still a little hesitant about her, and at the first sign of trouble, I think i'm mentally prepared to bail, but until then, I think I will just enjoy having her around.

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mm...sex is fun

abaya

So basically you are going on feelings here? She might be fucking other guys, she might not?... that's a major question. I think you guys need to start communicating in a big way. You can't "THINK" you can depend on her to be considerate of your feelings.. no way, you're worth more than that. You need to KNOW if she's gonna stop fucking others, esp. when she's told you beforehand that she's fucking around. Dude, your are emotionally wide open right now. Protect yourself (and I don't just mean your dick, but I hope you are doing that too) just a little bit more, otherwise this might end up hurting like a serious bitch.

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joxer1612

Yosho.....

How do I say this: This girl is not on the lookout for a new boyfriend, she's looking for several. IF, and I find this hard to believe, she did not break up with her ex for this, she definitely will with you, (or you will dump her.) Here's why: Human beings like variety, point-blank-done. No matter how faithful you say you are you will slip someday, and when you do, you'll discover something surprising; you STILL want the person you are with to be strictly yours, and the same probably goes for the girl/guy you schlepped them with. What does all this babble mean? You won't be able to stand other guys being with her, even in an "open" relationship, which, when feelings are involved, only works one-way and under the condition that the other party not know that they are in an "open" relationship. If you feel anything, however remote, for this girl, my suggestion is to drop this in order to avoid a lifetime (or semesters) of pain.