innovis

So its been almost half a year since the end of basically my first relationship, and I still have strong feelings for her. They are slowly diminishing, but that is halted by the fact that I really don't know any girls who I'd like to date, and I'm not really meeting that many new girls to date. I've gone on dates with like 5 girls, and I've met a few others, all of whom are now my friends, some better than others.

So basically I feel like this girl who I really loved, probably one of the first girls I valued just as much as a "hang out"/"chat" friend as I did a "common interest type" friend, is drifting away. I never really got closure at the end of this relationship; she just said "its over", I just want to be alone and we didn't talk for 2 months, and when we did talk it wasn't on good terms, she didn't want to be friends with me or interact with me at all, despite the fact that I hadn't wronged her in any way at the end, it was just a mutual *I give up*. I still really don't have a *reason* why it ended; we had problems, but they could have been worked on (she didn't even attempt to though). She hasn't talked to me on the phone since the day we broke up, despite me having called her several times (for my stuff, and a few other things). We've talked on AIM, attempting to arrange a meeting, but she never follows through.

This makes me feel like while she still has strong feelings for me, she just wants to move on because she believes we're incompatible, and interacting me, or seeing me would cause her emotions to stir and she doesn't want that.

I've basically accepted that even if I do get the chance to interact with her, none of the ways in which I've changed positively (losing 50 pounds in 6 months, being more social, independent, attempting to be more studious, and understanding how special a committed relationship is to me [and how much less important sex is than the relationship]) will effect her decision, and she will not come back.

So I feel like ok, shes gone. And there is... No one! I hear that I should join clubs that interest me, go out and meet new people, etc etc etc. I've tried to take every opportunity I could this semester to meet new people, but I'm still pretty much stuck with my same circle of friends, + 2. My friends are also the type that don't really lead you into new people, they're more of the ones that follow others into new people, so no help meeting more people, or someone I could be potentially interested in there.

Tried Craigslist, looked all over myspace... I found a few girls that were halfway to what I want, but then they'd be like 5 years older than me, or we didn't really enjoy the same stuff except for one interest... friend material! Its not that I'm looking for someone smoking hot or something. I just want an average chick who enjoys adult swim, Japanese stuff, video games, and other nerdy stuff, but can still act like a normal human being in addition to being a nerd. Are they so rare? Or rather, are the single ones so rare? I'm not looking for someone to *be* my ex or replace her, I'm looking for exactly what I was looking for when I found her, someone who can happily spend time with me doing what I like to do, and who understands me.

Any ideas how I can find this person or enlarge my circle of friends, or deal with my feelings for the ex?

noodles

instead of commenting on the relationship, as there's not much to comment on (its over, it was good for you, you will eventually get over it) i'll answer your questions:

1) no they are not rare. you have to look in the right places.
2) single ones aren't too rare, either. i've dated plenty and they were mostly single when i met them.
3) yes i have some ideas, but first i have some questions for you --

how old are you, did/will you go to college, do you live in/near a reasonably large city?

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innovis

Almost 22, still in, yes, over 1 million.

MEAD

You don't have feelings for your Ex you have feelings for love. You miss the feeling of being in love, not her. You've got to separate the two from each other. That could be hard since she is probabaly the rule by which you define being in love, but you still need to realize that you are capable of having this kind of realtionship with a new person. It is just a rare thing (how valuable would it be if you fell in love with every girl you dated?). Just keep dating. If you want to find that quickly then everytime you want to give it up you have to kick yourself in the ass and keep going. But it wouldnt be a bad idea to just slow down and take the pressure off being with someone and learn to be happy with yourself (women will find that attractive anyhow). Nothing more I can say than just have faith it will work out.

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Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

rlynnm

I love your take on this! In my attempt to drop my two cents for our buddy here, I actually found some help through yours. thanks!

rlynnm

I had someone very close to me go through something similar.. Well actually we all, in a very obscure way, find ourselves in this place at some point in our lives. I was there a little over two years ago, with a guy I had been with for a very short time.. Anyway dont try so hard to find something else.. It'll happen if you let it. I know that sounds overly naive and optimistic but oddly things do work out that way.

She hadn't talked to you in that amount of time and excluded you out of her life--count that as closure.

"This makes me feel like while she still has strong feelings for me, she just wants to move on because she believes we're incompatible, and interacting me, or seeing me would cause her emotions to stir and she doesn't want that." this is rarely ever the case..unless you wronged her, there would be no reason for her to leave if she loved you that much..At that, if she still loved you at the time she left, she wouldn't have left in the first place -- least not without a valid reason...

There are a lot of people who are into what you would be into, but maybe if you broadened your view a bit, and not filtered so much, the one you could potentially be with just might be under your nose...

time can certainly heal all things, but it's love that makes you whole again.

innovis

Its not that I'm unhappy with myself... and I understand what you're saying about missing being in love. Some days I have those moments where I am blindly and joyfully optimistic that I'll find someone awesome, eventually, but then I'm not really meeting that many new girls, or any that want to jump into my interests/close circle of friends, so reality kicks me in the face. I really don't want to end up single for the rest of the time I'm at college, dating girls I'm only half interested in or whom I know I don't ever want too commit any further to.

For the past 2 months I really haven't gone on any dates or looked, just kind of done my own thing and tried to be positive, and I keep hearing that when you quit looking you'll find it, and thats how I found my ex, she just kind of fell into my lap, but I don't quite expect that to happen again...

FireBob

No worries man, you're not alone with this. I'm going through the same thing myself, but felt better when i realised i miss the closeness and companionship more then the girl. She's probably reluctant to be friendly with you because she's hoping to move on with her life, and avoid the baggage that relating with you will give her. It's OK to try to keep the friendship going, but acknowledge that your relationship with her will never be the same again, and you'll probably come to a time when getting closure on the relationship, forgetting her and moving on will become more important than trying to keep talking with her. (I'm toying with the idea of deleting my ex's MSN name and phone-number at the moment, but am determined to at least get my CD's from her first)

Best i can recommend is to join some new clubs, and try lots of new things you wouldn't normally be doing. Don't go out there trying to meet girls; Try to make some new mates, and get to know new people (male or female), and that'll build up your friendship group, and increase your chances of meeting nice gals in the future. When you're on your own, keep yourself occupied with some new hobbies (I started cycling lots) and you won't feel so bummed out. Most of the guys i know are all looking for a special someone, so it's not gonna be easy, but you're definately not on your own.

noodles

go join stuff in college or around your city. your college years will be the best and easiest years to socialize. take advantage of them. get a list of your university's organizations, look em over, pick out a few, and go see whats up with them. as long as you're not joining the men's weighlifting club or something, the odds of at least one girl being in the organization are pretty high.

i've met 75% of the women i've dated through the things i participated in so far in college.

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yosho

yah, I actually met most of the girls through mutual friends. Friends are a great source to broaden your social circle because everyone is connected one way or another to everyone else so the more people you meet, the higher the chances that you'll meet someone you're into.

In general, I would say work on improving your personal social life first. Nothing is more attractive to a girl than a guy who has a lot of friends and is well liked by everyone. If everyone likes you, chances are, she will too. So get yourself out there and start meeting new people, talk to anyone, that guy at the bus stop, the girl in the elevator, try to be as sociable as you can. Not only will this improve confidence, it will also improve your self image and self worth as well as creating a solid foundation for a relationship.

good luck

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mm...sex is fun

World's King

Welcome to being in your early 20s.


See, in high school they prepare you for life in the same was a silk shirt is gonna stop a bullet. What the flying blue fuck?

No one ever tells you that the way you feel is gonna be confusing. You assume that if you're feeling it, you will understand what it means. Bullshit. You think I have any idea why I still get hard on when Joan Rivers comes on TV... ? But enough about my sexual problems...

You have to understand that life does get easier as you get older. You start to understand things better and your chest hair starts to not bother you as much. Most of your teen years were spent with someone telling you what to think and how to think it, now that you're, in the laws eye's, an adult no one is there to tell you what to think... unless maybe if you happen to live in cell block #5. The point of what I'm trying to say here is that you're not gonna get over this girl how you think you should. Dating another girl, drinking, killng a goat... None of this will work. Time in the only real answer to porblems while you're in your 20s. After that it's medication and Oprah.

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heavy is the head that wears the crown

stickyrice

thank you for some great advice

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Can't think of anything to say....

johnqpublic

Talk about an eye opening thread! I think I'm about one step ahead of in an almost identical break up. I wasn't able to identify what made it ok for me to hear her voice or talk about her without getting choked up. I miss her as I always will. But, I'm no longer addicted to the in love feeling. Not to say that I wouldn't be more than happy to fall in love again. People say it time heals all wounds. Man I don't think I really understood what that ment until resently. Imagine your out drinking and you have too many. It takes a while for you to realize it. Then you decide in your drunken state that maybe you can do something to sober yourself so you don't end up sick or with a hell of a hangover. So you start drinking water or coffee or that magic concoction your cool aunt taught you with raw eggs and hotsauce. But, no matter what you do. No matter how many tricks you pull outta your hat. The only thing that's gonna get rid of what ails ya is time. Don't worrie little brother. One day you'll think about her and smile.

pendragon1122

Ok so this sounds identical to what I have been going through. I did the whole 60 pound weight loss thing in 6 months and have been trying to get out and meet new people. My really big problem is that I still work with my ex. That is something i will never do again, dating someone I work with. I find it really hard to move on when I have to see her at work almost every day. I don't really seem to meet that many people at college since I am so busy. I did really love the explaination that Mead gave. That really does seem to make sense. I have been trying to date new people but i keep comparing them all to her and it just seems that none of them compare in my eyes. Oh well i guess i will just have to see how time goes and heals these wounds.

iblade

Your comparison to alcohol is very sensible I think. It is even more sensible as there is a faster way of getting out of the drunk state: throwing up. Now, applying this to relationships...

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We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors, we borrow it from our children.

innovis

I think the love chemicals are leaving my system. Saw a picture of her recently and she didn't look beautiful to me like she once did. On the other hand, I saw her today walking past my classroom and it still made my heart beat fast.

innovis

Just a little update. She has a new boyfriend. Final nail in the coffin in my mind. It hurts, but I think its healthiest for me that it happened.

MEAD

Hey, man. I know right now you are preoccupied with getting over her, just dont put too much pressure on yourself to completely be cool with her. For one, this may lead you to believe that you are completely over it when you are not and something may happen that will just bring that crushing down and make you feel terrible. Secondly it's okay if you arnt over her, everyone has gone through this and theres no reason to add to your pain by thinking you are weak for not being over her, honestly if you truely loved someone and had a healthy relationship with them, you don't get over them, you just come to accept what happened, but there will always be that part of you that still loves them. The best thing to do now is keep reminding yourself of all the things you've got left to do in your life and how now is the best time to start doing them. Plus the chances of you ending up alone are slim if you really value love like I can tell you do. The people who end up alone are the ones who shut down after stuff like this, and give up on loving, you have to just remember to never let yourself get liek that.

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Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die.
"That's it, send out the ninjas!"
"So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

rlynnm

At leaves nothing open ended and might be the catalyst to motivate you to get over things.

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The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

Cynthetiq

move on, nothing to see here...

it's time to end the chapter and begin a new one, why you stopping your life???? keep cranking it...

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