-Ever-

Yeah thanks again guys. I've had my spirits raised as much as they could be this evening. I hit bottom when I called my mom and broke down pretty hard, I think it's been saving up for a bit now. Then a good friend called, then my dad, then another good friend. It's funny how everybody basically says the same generic truths but in so many different, very important ways.

All in all I'm looking forward to going out this weekend and trying to keep my mind off things. Thanks again guys, you really are very, very kind.

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

-Ever-

Man I'm upset with myself. I moved from home for the first time to San Diego to be with this girl. I didn't want to do it just for her so I finished up junior college here and got into a nice private school, but I'm realizing that my *entire* enviornment is one big reminder of her. My apartment, my furniture, my activities, my friends, the freeways, the city itself.. I'm quite disappointed that I lined myself up for that. Having such a comfortable relationship kept me from going out and meeting new people as much as I would have if single. So here I am now with virtually only a few friends, living alone in a studio, while she's off working and playing around with her roomates.

Not trying to be pessamistic, I'm just upset that I did that. I'm quite a sucker for pleasure I think. And I know I should be doing exactly what she's doing, but it's a bumpy road to start from scratch. I think I'ma make a roadtrip with a friend to Arizona this weekend to attend a friend's fashion party. God I need a change. The thoughts that slammed my mind the second I awoke this morning were really damaging to my spirit.

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

ibis

YES!!!

Seriousally, give her her space, go out and meet other girls.

Do this:

1. Don't call her for a few days.
2. When she calls to see why, simply tell her you've been busy.Don't tell her doing what. Be vague.
3. Watch her to a 180.

Don't be the dog that's always humping legs.

pig

My opinion? Don't be. I know its hard where you're probably at, but remember that taking risks is part of the game. To me it really sounds like y'all may have been growing apart for a little while...sometimes, a little time apart is what you need to clear the air. Sometimes you find that you really are ready to move on. Regardless, you'll find out. Try not to be too hard on yourself. What will be will be, and really it's the only it could have been.

__________________
You don't love me, you just love my piggy style

Marvelous Marv

I like this advice. Also, in my years of observing relationships, an occasional night out with the girls is no big deal. A REGULAR night out at bars with "the girls" has always been a death knell. That's my prediction, and I'll stand by it.

Quit calling, and make a new life for yourself. Even if her behavior was caused by your mistake about the wedding, just visualize what married life would be like with her. Soon EVERY mistake you make will be met with pouting, nights out with the girls, etc. Maybe the silent treatment, but once my wife figured out that I enjoy that, she took it out of her repertoire.

San Diego is FULL of attractive women. Find one that you love, and live happily ever after.

__________________
"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money."
Margaret Thatcher

-Ever-

Thanks again for the help guys. Every day has been a crusade in its own but life has been getting along alright so far. I've got awesome friends supporting me and just had a great sporadic weekend trip to Arizona on a past-due trip to see some buds.

You're all very kind. It definitely goes appreciated.

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

Marvelous Marv

It's been two weeks. We need an update!

__________________
"The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money."
Margaret Thatcher

-Ever-

Thanks for showing interest Marvelous Marv.

There really isn't a ton to update I guess. I'm basically pretty sure she's been loyal to me as far as not seeing other people which is nice. We're basically broken up though the way I look at it. While she doesn't like "labels" right now, we hung out for the first time this weekend in about a month and most of it wasn't even together. I still love her to death and am still in love with her, but I really can't do anything about it so it's a crap situation.

I think she's just basically over me for the time being. One nice thing (in a not-so-nice kind of way) is that I've given 110% during this whole situation from constantly offering to hang out, to being in good contact, to being the one to start most about-us, how-we're-doing conversations. See, I hate regrets and didn't want to walk away from this situation knowing that I could maybe have done more to fix it even though it's at risk of getting me even more hurt. I've decided that she's well worth this risk though and I'm now at a type of ease knowing that I did all I could to make things right. The hard part is that I feel like I'm so close from getting her back. I do know that she still loves me and that she enjoys who I am, but I feel like she's purposely denying her impulses of wanting to be with me for the wrong reasons. I fear that she feels she's the victim of something that I really haven't done to her and have tried so hard to prove that I'm still the man she used to be in love with. She still smiles at me the same, hugs me the same, and laughs with me the same, but there's just something there that seems to be purposely blocking me out. Man I love the girl and kills me to feel that she's so close but unnesecessairly so far... :\

Well that's that. Of course there's probably things I'm leaving out, but that's how I feel right about now. Things are quite bitter sweet as I'm moving on and getting over the regular depression and onto the reality of things.

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

rlynnm

I've read the entire thread, and to be quite frank, you're in for some rough times, but you'll be fine. Emotions arent as easy as a flip of the switch and it seems your affections for this girl aren't burning out anytime soon.

I do commend your will to avoid 'what if's' And I guess in the end, all that matters is that you tried your ass off to make it work, and her lack of reciprocation (if any) is nothing you can blame yourself for. You might've made a mistake with the whole wedding thing, but if you tried your damndest to make the best of that situation and to correct it, what else could you have done, really?

Head up...you aren't alone, trust me.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

longbough

In my experience, if you have a suspicion that your girl might be cheating, it's probably true and probably worse than you might originally suspect. Yes, and it hurts like hell.

Toaster126

Walk away man. It's over already... make it official. It's just dragging now, and you shouldn't get back together with her now even if she wanted to, which she doesn't. If she did, this crap would have stopped by now. The relationship (according to the other thread) wasn't going hot anyways. Chalk it up to lessons learned... and next time a gf of 2 years wants you to go to the wedding, have a better excuse if you don't want to go.

__________________
"The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." (Ayn Rand)
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." (M. Scott Peck)

longbough

Amen. Walk away - you know it's the right thing to do.
Don't wait for the courage to end it - just do it.

Remember: Courage doesn't make you do the right thing. It's doing the right thing that gives you courage ....

-Ever-

Hey guys. Just a new update since you've proven that you actually care :')

Went to Disneyland with her, her friend, and her friend's boyfriend this weekend. I didn't think it was right to go but I said F-it and chose to. Wound up having a good time all in all. On the drive back I decided to ask how she felt about completely breaking off for a while instead of lingering here at 50%. My main reason is that if we linger here too long, we eventually won't want to get back together because we'll be so used to this half-way relationship that we might assume that's how it has always been- cold, uneventful, boring.. I said that if we do want to get back together sometime, it should be a full 100% recreated relationship, re-falling back in love, and the only way this could happen is by completely separating and either realizing we do indeed need/want eachother or we do indeed want to move on.

Other reasons include me constantly wondering what she's doing at night and in the future her probably wondering the same thing for me. We aren't together, but we aren't broken up, but where is the line drawn? She still introduces me as her boyfriend but I can't ask what exactly she's been doing the past three evenings and with who (in a non-pestering kind of way). This drives me nuts and I just can't deal with it. I'd just assume bite the bullet and break off and when I wonder what she's doing, I can sanely remind myself that it's none of my damn business instead of having wild thoughts run through my mind for this 50% girlfriend of mine. Lol, I know, we've gotten ourselves in quite the rut.

I also brought up that I'm going to be going through quite a lot of changes myself the next few months. This 'situation' has really inspired me to re-prioritize my schooling, arts, and friends, and I have a lot of mini-goals set up that will be introducing me to somwhat new lifestyles and new people. I wasn't saying this in any kind of threatening way. Instead, I was just addressing my side of the story and wanted to make sure she knew that there's a decent chance I might be somewhat different, for good or bad in relation to her, if she indeed does want to get back together in the future.

So anyhow, our talk was cut short when we arrived at home and her needing to attend "stuff" for the evening, although we decided to continue our talk later. I think we both know what is next though. I'm preparing myself for a full on ceassation of communication and reliance between the two of us. Of course I'll treat her like a friend if she needs me, but if she needs a ride, call someone else. I need a vent, I'll call someone else. When she's lonely, don't call me. This is what life is like without eachother and do we like it or not...?

So how do you guys feel about this? I've kind of explained ourselves in a nutshell here so I might have left a few important things out. I think I feel pretty good about this. It's of course the bitter-er of the two roads as lingering at 50% at least gives us tastes of eachother here and there and cutting off is harsher up front, but optimistically speaking, it can be a good test of faith I guess. I just fear that walking away might make us think that we don't care for eachother as much as we really do, but I guess that's the whole 'test' part of it...

Thanks to the moon and back for the support and raw, unaltered advice. I really do appreciate it.

-T

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

tooth

Sorry to say, but you are right. The relationship is over. She seems to have no interest in making you a priority of any sort in her life.

Did she have any response to the things you talked about during your drive? You seem to have laid it all on the table, and she took of to do "stuff" without giving anything back? It's over.

-Ever-

Thanks for pointing that out Tooth, I actually forgot to mention that part and it's definitely important as you've said.

She was actually quite interested in what I had to say. She hadn't understood the potential downfall of our relationship simply due to how we're running it right now and though it was a interesting idea to look into. She said that she didn't want to completely break off but this is because she obviously likes having me around but is just confused, so I had to remind her that it's those feelings that we would need to cut off. She also said how good of a time she had this weekend with me and how happy she was that she asked me to come. Furthermore, she seemed quite charmed when she finally left my apartment, as in hugging me deeply yet again and smiling at me the way she used to. It felt great but it could have simply been from her excitement that I'm letting her move on. Lol, I'm such a pessamist sometimes

I think she is indeed still in love with me but just needs to experience some new things for a while. If anything, I think her smiles and hugs when she left were in reflection to her again understanding not only how much I care for her but also for her understanding how mature and open I've been with everything and reflecting that she admires the qualities. This is why I think the talk was a good one. It makes me feel a little more comfortable breaking things off knowing that she at least doesn't think that I'm bailing out on her..

And of course these things are easier said and done, but I'm hoping that they should be at least a little easier with a good foundation and understanding between the two of us...right? I've also mentioned a few times the idea of us getting back together. This is mainly the pro-relationship optimist in me. If we do decide to split, I'm hoping to do so knowing that the future is indeed unknown and that there's no telling what it may uncover.

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

teflonian

I've always respected your opinions and your viewpoints Ever, and reading this saga certainly hasn't diminished them. These sorts of things are never easy and I wish you the best in dealing with the situation. Just wanted to add my observations on a couple of items: First off, it sounds to me like the relationship is over, and those last few smiles and hugs are the sputtering of a dying flame. This is obviously something that has been building up in her and in the relationship for awhile, and things aren’t so easily turned back on. I think you have the right idea by either going 100% or 0%. 50% (or anything in between for that matter) doesn’t work out for long and it doesn’t sound like 100% is an option right now. Second, don’t beat yourself up about choosing to move to be closer to her. At the time you decided that, there were probably quite a few factors that weighed into the decision and you went with the one that seemed the best at the time. Do what you can to make it the best situation for the now as well. Anyway, good luck and I am just one of many hoping for the best possible outcome for you!

rlynnm

By you even going to Disneyland with her, you open the door to let her have her way with you --that is half assing it. Being with you without the need to commit to you. The longer you let her keep you in the gray, she'll keep you in the gray cause it requires no engagement on her behalf --but you, if you allow her, you'd probably commit yourself to her. One way street...ain't gonna work.. So it seems the better thing for now is to cut off completely and if you both decide you want to be together, it better be at 100%, otherwise it's just another half-assed attempt. The only thing that would suck if the only reason she says no to being with you now is the need to test the waters elsewhere, which again, puts you into the backup boyfriend category....

If she introduces you as her boyfriend and seems to be acting as such, with the affection and all, you have every right to pester her about what she's been up to the past three days. However, if you guys are broken up, then be broken up.. Doing the gray thing will get old real fast --especially for you on the emotional side.

At least some positives came out of this situation right?

It's good that you set these limits beforehand. Black and white is usually more favorable for situations such as these where emotions can alter a decision so easily. Don't be her emotional backup, you are worth more than that. Be your own person, let her come into her own. In order for you to separate, you need to let yourself untangle the emotional attachment.

Just keep reminding yourself you don't need to be hanging out in the gray, that there may be someone out there who's willing to be with you at the 100% that you so deserve.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

-Ever-

Just reread the entire thread for the first time in a while and wanted to put a potential end to the drama here. You've all been so kind, respectful, honest, interested, and consistent, and I wanted to fill you in on what could be the final bout for the time being.

I had her come over tonight and she knew what was in store. We had another good talk like the one the other day while driving. We basically discussed that lingering in a grey area is both harmful to anything we may have in the future as well as harmful to me right now. I reiterated that I didn't want to go my own way from the start and that I'm glad I stuck around, and she told me that she indeed doesn't feel like I'm leaving her or any regret-inducing thing like that. I asked her if she has discovered anything since her initial "confusion" in her life which catalyzed this and she said that she's still pretty ambiguous.

The talk was basically for me to fill up my sanity bucket so that I feel comfortable detaching for a while. I asked questions, she gave honest answers. To me it was kind of a farewell - deep but not too emotional. The interesting part is that again she didn't like this aspect of it. She let me know that she didn't want to fully detach and that she doesn't like the idea / think that rules are necessary ("don't call me" etc.) but that she was willing to try it out for the time being in light of me and our relationship. She also said that she feels like I'm overreacting (not in a offensive tone) in that she said to not get too worked up over it. Don't read that as it probably sounds though, lol. She was basically trying to say that she feels it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be in that she didn't want me creating ideas of leaving her forever and such. When she was leaving, she wanted to get on the move and was standing around but didn't want to leave. She became teary-eyed and reminded me to not "be like that" when I finalized that I consider us fully broken up (keep in mind her dislike of labels..)

Because of these mixed emotional reactions from her I realize that she truely is rather confused and needs to be on her own for a while to prioritize, live, flourish, and maybe wind up back in my arms some day. She has been and is being selfish, but that's ok with me. She's been very honest and willing to listen/meet and I'm just not one to be mad at someone because they're in development. All I asked for from the start was honesty and I think she's given me quite a lot, save some things I would like to know but probably could only have brought about through unnecessary force on my part.

Of course this isn't the end of things, but on the larger scale, I hope it is for the time being. Any comments, criticism, or further advice are all still warmly welcome.

Thanks again for being there guys. You really have helped me develop, not only on a selfish me-level but also on a level that will hopefully have positive effects on family, friends, and strangers alike.

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

abaya

Damn, you really do love her. Not that I doubted it, but man, it's so rare to watch someone truly set someone free and set your own ego aside. I am humbled by your total ability to let go, and to truly love her... that you're doing that by investing 0% right now. I mean it... 50% would be selfish for both of you, and you've realized that. You are being real with yourself, and with her, and while you love her you are not going to tolerate her immaturity (that's what it is). That takes TOUGH love, man. Cheers.

I hope something works out for you in the end, whether with her in the future or with someone else who is ready for what you have to give right now.

__________________
And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran

rlynnm

..At least you have some closure. For the moment at least. Breathe and take a long deep sigh.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

Gabbyness

Hey Ever, how are things progressing? I just came across this thread and I hope that things have improved. As someone who is in a long-term relationship, I hate seeing them fall apart!

__________________
One, two, three, four, fiiiiiiiifth.

The Librarian

It is normal to start questioning if she is cheating on you after haveing such a dramatic change in here behavior and I understand that it makes you start questioning more in your relationship. It is okay to question and wonder but if you voice every question you have to your girlfriend it will only overwhelm her with how much you 'might' not trust her and that could just possibly send her off the deep and and make her do irrational things that she probally never would have done before. So sometimes it is better on the relationship to be a little less honest and a little more sugar coated.

teflonian

I'm with Gabbyness Ever, give us an update when you get the chance! Hope all is progessing as well as it can be.

taboo

i'll try throw in my two cents also..hopefully it hasn;t already been said..

i'm one of those girls who needs her space. when your gf says she needs space, it means let her call you and tell you when she wants to see you. cuz the more you worry and keep calling and asking her to get together, the more irritated she's gonna get. i'm like that a lot. and for me personally, it has nothing to do with cheating or losing interest. sometimes we feel pressured to see the guy too much. are your both your feelings reciprocal? does she feel the same way that you feel about her? is she a little more careless maybe? another thing: has she always sort of been like this, or talked about personal space, or is it really all of a sudden? think positive for the time being. if she doesn;t tell you more about it so you can understand it better, then only maybe start being a little curious about her interest in you..sorry to say that. but, it really might have nothing to do with you!

when i'm in a relationship, i end up spending so much ctime, ALL MY FREE TIME with my bf, that i completely forget and neglect my friends--it's a damn vicious circle. so from my part, i can completely understand her wanting to see her friends too. just talk to her, but dont be over th etop with questions connoting different things. seeing that she needs to do other things, she;s in a period of transition, and the situation needs to be handled gently.

hope that helped.

rlynnm

I can understand a lot of this taboo. I guess the only thing to look out for is that if she's normally enjoyed spending so much of her time with you and all of a sudden requests some time off, it's at least bound for questions. It's just like functioning within a routine and all of a sudden you do somethng completely out of the norm --there's got to be a reason for it, be it good or bad, right?

I am also that way, when I fall into a relationship, I realize I spend less time iwth my friends--usually due to diffrent interests. My friends, ironically, when I'm involved with someone, they aren't so they're more into going out at night and meeting people. I end up putting off a lot of my friends when I get involved with someone that a lot of times my friends end up resenting me. Oddly though, they are the same as well.

If she hasn't given you a reason to worry before, then maybe it's too soon to get your panties in a bunch..but if you feel the need for answers, you are entitled to them.

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.

ScottKuma

No happy ending? Being an American consumer, and patriotically conforming to our stereotypical marketing profiles, I NEED A HAPPY ENDING! ;-)

In all seriousness, I hope things are going well for you, -EVER-...whether they are with the old flame or with some new one.

__________________
A government big enough to give you everything you want is big enough to take from you everything you have.

GoogleMap Me

-Ever-

Hey guys, sorry about the delayed response. I see that some of you are on the edges of your seats Such good friends you are..

So you want a happy ending huh? Well here I am, healthy, rejuvinated, reborn, and still feeling the electricity of life. Is that happy enough? Is it not 'happy' that the girl and I are seemingly inded over, if that's the kind of response you were looking for? Well that's the reality of it and the black and white answer for now.

Today was the first day I've seen her in a week or two and it was also the first time that I didn't feel like crap when we said goodbye to eachother. It's come to the point that when I look at her, I see her as more of an artifact of a past life of mine- I appreciate her and positive memories dance in my head when I see her, but the emotional attachments and any need whatsoever for her compassion have literally seemed to be reduced to zero. It's harsh to say, but I think I can honestly say that she's becoming more of a memory every day that goes by.

I hope the conclusion to this post hasn't come across as too somber. It is in thought, but as cheesy as it sounds, like a phoenix I feel I've risen from the ashes of this once-beautiful relationship and am finally ready for life. I recently met an unexplainably beautiful person who has helped me through my "rebuilding phase." The pivotal, emotional phases were largely spent with family, friends, and here on the forum, and I met this person when I was past this mopey phase and well into the become-who-I-used-to-be phase which has been such an amazing experience. My optimism has been well reinstated and I now carry this experience in my back pocket as something I hold extremely dear to me because I've learned so much from it.

It blows my mind that people have wanted to know the outcome of all of this, so much that they've made posts asking me to follow up. You guys are all amazing individuals... Words can't and won't ever do it justice so I'll just leave it at that.

-T

"I still hear your voice from across the horizon,
And wasn't that you walking into the shadows?
In time I'll believe it was just and illusion,
In time I'll believe it was only a dream..."

__________________
Embracing the goddess energy within yourselves will bring all of you to a new understanding and valuing of life. A vision that inspires you to live and love on planet Earth. Like a priceless jewel buried in dark layers of soil and stone, Earth radiates her brilliant beauty into the caverns of space and time. Perhaps you are aware of those who watch over your home And experience of this place to visit and play with reality. You are becoming aware of yourself as a gamemaster...
--Acknowledge your weaknesses--

Mantus

A very strong responce from you Ever. I don't think I could have done it better. A toast to a new begining,

New life breaks though
As flowers in spring snow
Their scent speards upon the vale bellow
Eyes lay upon them as the morning dew.
Of a girl waiting all along for you.


Cheers!

skier

Wow, I've really enjoyed reading this and watching as it progressed, Ever. I didn't post because honestly I didn't think I had much to offer, but I think I learned a lot from your experience and how others would have dealt with it.

I'm glad you have found a peace, of sorts, and wish you the best inthe future.

__________________
"Asking a bomb squad if an old bomb is still "real" is not the best thing to do if you want to save it." - denim

rlynnm

Sometimes, it isn't time that heals all things, rather the affection, attention and to say loosely 'love' (not necessarily romantically) coming from another person who allots their time to understand you and what you're going through.

I had a similar experience with my current best friend. I guess we did this for each other. We provided for each other this safe haven..away from them (the exes). And when it seemed that everything we knew as 'our world(s)' came crashing down..in the end, we had each other and that has made all the difference.

Congratulations on your progression....

__________________
The hardest thing is to be honest with yourself, especially if that means completely redefining the world you've come to know.

Don't look too hard, I'm right in front of you.