Kind of confused on this one..
 

So I started dating this woman a little over a month ago (I’ll call her MD), we hit it off very nicely right from the beginning. I’m already done with school, got my bachelor’s degree and write software for a living, she is working on her PHD. Our backgrounds are very similar, etc.

Date one, I went in for a kiss and she shied away playfully. On date two I called her out on playing hard to get and she ended up reaching across the table and kissing me first. We go out on a few more dates and she tells me her mother told her to tell guys she is dating that “she has a way of getting men to fall in love with her and then pushing them away”.

Me, being the idiot guy that I am decided that it was a good idea to try and play the jealously card against her. She told me she was dating people, but I was the only one she is kissing, so I told her about my dates, but probably went too far with the details.

We ended up going to the beach last weekend and had a blast. Made out in the water every time we went swimming.. I told her I wanted to take her out Friday on the drive back home, and was thinking all week that I had this one in the bag.

Fast forward to Friday. We played phone tag a couple of times until Friday morning and we talk for a little while, then she comes out with the “I need to tell you something” bit. “I have a really good time with you, but I’m kind of in love with another guy”. :crazy:

At this point I’m totally caught off guard. But I played It cool “Look man, we are dating, this is part of dating, explore your feelings and do what makes you happy”. I agreed to still go out to dinner with her Friday night.

We meet up at her favorite little Mexican place in town and talk for a while. I made it perfectly clear when we started going out that I didn’t like being lied to at all. She tells me that the guy she is in love with is her best friend in school; they have never done anything, but have talked extensively about what it would be like for them to be together. Then she tells me that she has the hot’s for me, but loves him. Sex is important to her, and I’m one of the best kissers she has ever had (we still haven’t had sex). I made it perfectly clear that I really like her (I won’t bore you with the details).and we end up making out in the parking lot and called it a night.

I called her Sunday to hang out but she had some sort of plans with her girlfriends. I haven’t called her or AIM’ed her so I don’t look desperate. Anyone want to try to help me understand what’s going through her head? Do I have relationship potential or does it sound like she just wants me for sex?

Huh. If she's *in love* with another guy, why is she dating around?!? Convenience?

I think she should have told you this before it got physical. To be honest, I don't think she should be dating others if she's (and again I use asterics (sp??)) *in love* w/someone?

I'd be very wary.

If she's in love with one guy, but still makes out with you... I don't know how much "relationship" potential she has, period. I mean, if a girl and I were admittedly in love, and then she said she was making out with some other guy, she would lose about a thousand trust points. I'd feel cheated on.

You may as well give up on this one. She's flaking and would probably do it again. You have only known her for a short time and will surely have no problem finding another girl to date (you said you were dating multiple?).

Yeah, I'd stay away from this one. If she really is in love with this other guy she shouldn't be looking for physical love outside that relationship, and how happy can you honestly be knowing that she's not emotionally invested in *your* relationship? I'd say she's just using you for sex, and isn't emotionally stable enough to hold down a commited relationship, not the kind of person you necessarily want to start one with.

This chick sounds like a wack-job. Do what you like... I sure as hell wouldn't have anything more to do w/ her though.

She says that she loves him, but did she say he loves her? I think she's hung up on this guy way too much to be anything near GF material. You have a chance of winning her if you really want, but its a risk you take. I would recommend seeing why they've been talking about getting together, but have never actually gotten together. That is if you intend to pursue her.

NEXT.


Also, keep AIM out of any relationship.

/my opinion

They are afraid of getting together because they are both in the same PHD program and do everything in a group together. It could get messy if they got together and then figured out it wasn’t going to work out.

so yeah MD (-5) :-)

Used for sex? I think I can deal with that... :thumbsup:

It's just different switching from wanting her as a girlfriend mode to friends with benefits mode.

She's playing a game with you. I wouldn't play back.

Neither would I. Just walk away, bro. Find yourself a new play partner--one who will be completely honest with you and with herself, because it sure as hell sounds as if she's deluding herself.

So what? just ignore her and let her come to me?

She doesn't sound like a whack job to me. She sounds like a woman who has no clue where the hell she's going or how she wants to get there.

If you're looking for some kind of steady relationship right now, it sounds to me like she's not the girl for you. She's not ready for that at this point in time.

Move along with your datng, keep in touch with her if you like. She'll either figure out what she's doing, and come back to you at some point in time, or head off elsewhere.

Just my take on the situation.

See, I called her out on this at dinner Friday.. "You don't know what the F' you want do you?" and she just laughed about it saying no.

It's funny, I'm not looking for a serious relationship, but at the sametime I am. I think I'm almost in the same boat she's in, I dont know what I want. I'm the happiest I've probably ever been right now, but at the same time, I miss having someone around all the time.

In that case, as long as you both know you're just 'screwing around' on the relationship front, this might be okay for you for a while. Depends on what you want to get out of it, as well as what she wants to get out of it. As long as neither of you is deluding each other or yourself, you should be fine.

However, figuring out if she is deluding herself is tough at this relationship stage. That's why this kind of thing can often go bad.

Overall, as you're aware, it's your call. Just stop and think about what you want, as well as what you might be stepping into. Make an informed (or as informed as you can get) decision, and you can't really go wrong. The relationship may, but remember that you haven't.

Good luck, with whatever choices you make!

Sounds to me like she thinks she "loves" this guy she's friends with, but they're not a couple, is this true???

If this is the case and she still wants to hook up with you (and you're not looking for anything serious for sure), maybe hook-up and see what happens. Maybe she'll wind up realizing this "friend" is truly just a friend and she really wants you. Worth a shot.

Then again I could be completely misreading you.

Just chiming off what fightnight said...
I dont see her telling you about this other guy as a sign of her toying with you, but that she's being honest with you and herself about her feelings. If you ask me, thats worthy of respect, cause if she was really the girl some of the other posters make her out to (maybe) be, she would have tried to hide it.

EVERYONE gets confused feelings with romance at some points in their lives, and its true that she'll have to make up her mind how she wants it before you two can make something real of this (will come a time when you should demand it, actually). Sounds to me like she indeed has feelings for her guyfriend, but obviously something is missing, causing her to keep looking. If you happen to provide her with the full package, and she does the same for you, then damn thats great. She can still love him as a friend, right.

I agree you should watch you step, as always, but dont pass up a potential chance of a great thing cause she's confused. If you help provide her clarity, then bravo.

If you're dating this girl and the guy she's in love with is her best friend, at some point you might meet him. If that's the case seeing them together might clear things up a bit. Just my 2 cents.

Oh for god sakes people. gh0ti, sleep with her. Have fun with her. Girls always say they like nice guys, and she has her nice guy but he doesnt sound like a threat to your relationship. Keep having fun, eventually the other guy will make a move (or wont) and this girl of yours will realize what kind of a looser he is compared to you and he will be banished to the "just friends category".

Never play deffencive, go on the offence. Instead of wasting your energy trying to "eliminate" this threat you should be using it to solidify your bond with this girl. And if she fucks it up, well atleast you had fun and you can move on.

That's my opinion.

Thanks for everyone's comments on this one.. I'm going to probably just take the have fun route and see where things lead. It's a bit different for me to try to keep my emotions in check, so it’s a learning experience.

I tend to get overly excited about relationships and forget that its all about having a good time and being happy.

Yeah. If you want to get involved for a bit of fun, thats well and good :D Just try to keep your emotional distance, like everyone else said, she doesn't sound like relationship material, and if you approach it as such, you're likely to get burned.