shoe

Sorry if this is not in the right section - ( perhaps tilted relationships.. )

This might be nothing really - but i am really freaking out here. I just spent the worst night of my life thinking and dreaming about what may have happenned. Also, i may just be overeacting.

Last night was the annual Collegiate level awards for filmmaking in quebec. I have this GF ( we will call her stef) i have been seeing for 9 months or so and we are both each other's first. I wasnt supposed to attend due to a certain party but i decided to go anyways, seeing my girl's movie was in competition. I get there at 8, expecting to be greeted by an exstatic to see me Stef. Instead, i am greeted by the image of her , a guy, Ben, whom i have nothing but hate for, sitting with a bunch of her friends.

This Ben guy story goes a long way. When i first met Stef, she eventually pulled away from me because of that guy so we only got together like 1 year after that. He's a very manipulative individual, and very good looking individual, who likes to play games with women. She knows i have nothing but hate for him.

At this point i am pissed off. So i sit down behind them and let loose a quick "hey". No ones turns around. Then i go in right behind her ear and say "hello". She knows im pissed by now. She knows seeing her with im would aggravate me to no end. She turns around, makes small talk and turns back to the front. Im not very talktative (sp?) by now but im thinking like crazy. Anyways, the projection starts, im left with 2 hours of watching them say things in their ears and giggle. I've never been so disgusted.

The movies end, theres a 30 min break between the 2 segments, she comes to see me but even though i want her to explain things i cant listen to her. I hear her saying that he just wanted to see her movie. I still dont turn to her so she leaves to go back to her friends and him, seeing as i am paying no attention to her. I leave the place before the 2nd segment, miserable and scared.

I dont know what to think of this. She KNOWS how i woult react to see them together. Why the fuck would she invite HIM ? She knew, well thought, i wasnt even going to be present, which makes me even move uneasy. I've been stressing out over this all night and morning. I only get to see her at 3 today and im going to ask her for some explanations. I keep thinking theyre must be a logical explanation to all of this. Im scared and hurt. If she has done anything with him im breaking it off. I want to kill that fucker.

aberkok

Unfortunately, and I know this is the hardest thing to do right now, you'll have to be patient. There is no way either of you can make the right move before she has a chance to explain herself to you in private. Hang in there and let us know what she says. Don't take action motivated from anger.

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ScottKuma

When she doescome & explain, LISTEN to her explanation with as much of an open mind as you can muster. You don't have to believe it ultimately, but listen and TRY to believe it.

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ShaniFaye

YOU'RE her boyfriend...I wanna know why she didnt make him move so you could sit with her....or why she didnt move to sit with you

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cellophanedeity

It sounds like you're a bit overprotective of your lady friend. If you trust her, then her meeting up with this man shouldn't be too much of a problem, in general. The two of them may have a desire to be friends, and if the relationship is only one of friendship, then it may be worth the anxiety to let "Stef" develop a friendship with the guy.

If I knew that my love was going to freak out about me meeting a male friend, but I really wanted to meet up with this guy, then I wouldn't tell him if I didn't expect him to be there. It's not honest, but what else can one do in this situation?

On the other hand, Shani is right. When you did show up for the screening, your girlfriend should have done more to include you in the discussion and have you sit with her. But, if you were as visably angry as you say you were, then perhaps she just didn't want to cause a scene in public at the release of her show.

Both of you could have acted more maturely. She's your girlfriend. You should trust her and try to accept that she's friends with this man that you "have nothing but hate for him." and she should try to minimalize the reasons for you to be jealous of this man.

Don't worry about it too much, and try to vent the anger. Being furious when the two of you finally sit down to talk about this will make the entire thing worse for both of you.

Redlemon

OK, deep breaths. In, out, in, out. Murder doesn't solve your problem. Your GF won't love you if you kill any male that she talks to.

I know that's an exaggeration, but you needed a bit of perspective there. Your relationship might be over, or it might not. Take the advice of the people above me.

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*Nikki*

Exactly. Sounds like something fishy is going on.

shoe

Well, i feel a bit better, or maybe not. Anyways, im not always so insecure about things. I had just woken up from the absolute worst dream involving this situation. Thanks for all the replies.

Ok, i am a bit jealous but it wouldnt have bothered me had it been any other guy. She is allowed to have as many guy friends as she pleases, just as i am allowed to have female friends. However, considering the history with us 3, he makes me a bit insecure. See, we met about 3 years ago and initially we we're very attracted to each other. Somehow, he got involved and 'stole' her from me. Long story short, he played games with her and it never worked out. I was crippled for about a year until i felt i had moved on . Eventually we started speaking again and,finally, got together for good.

I do have a tendency to overanalyze situations and come up with the worst possible scenarios. The waiting is really killing me here..

Schwan

Well, it's certainly not a good sign. It all depends on the person in question, but personally, I'd be pissed off and probably stomp off somewhere to suffer in seclusion.

Ustwo

#1 - Knowing you hate the guy, she should have made a move to sit with you or something like that. Sounds like she didn't want to offend HIM more than you.

#2 - You fucked up by turning her away there. Its good to let your woman know you are pissed at her for something, its bad to push her away when you are.

My personal feeling is that you may well be losing a gf here unless you are careful.

Go have make up sex.

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MEAD

Do you really want to be in a relationship where this is constantly going to be a problem? Girls are generally more forgiving/accepting/forgetting than guys when it comes to past relationships. For her, hanging out with this guy really could mean nothing other than she doesnt like losing people who were, at one time, a big part of her life. It's fighting a losing battle to try and get her to stay away from him just by forcing her, besides you wouldnt be the kind of guy who could do that with a good conscience anyway. All I can tell you is that this is going to be a torn in your side, can you deal with it?

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shoe

Well, we spoke for about 2 hours on the phone and i will see her tonight. I realized i messed up and i may have lost her in this.

I just called the guy , which i have never spoken to before, and apologized for my behavior.

I realized i took things too far in my own mind although i understand this was done because of certain things she did in the past. Still, i feel bad about not trusting her completely.

I feel much better.

analog

Two possible scenarios, the way I see it...

1. Although she's your girlfriend, she knows you were pissed, and may have stayed where she was out of spite. If she's truly not doing anything wrong, she might be offended that you'd assume she was, and wanted to rub the wound a little by staying seated with him.

2. There's soemthing going on, and your jealousy makes her not want to bother covering up the relatively "innocent" parts.

Either way, I'd still be pissed. Especially where it's a guy that, at one point, stole her away from you. I'd think she'd be a little more understanding of your distrust and hatred of him.

Strange Famous

all I can tell you man, is that jealousy will tear you apart, and your relationship, if you let it. I cant tell you if anything is going on with her and this kid or not, but I can say for sure it will eat you up if you cant ever trust her.

In life, as funny as this may sound to people that know me from here, I tend to optimistic in relationships. I make a conscious decision to trust anyone till they give me a really good reason not to. Whether you can do the same or can't is down to you.. maybe she was real nervous about her film in the competition and thats why she didnt pay you much attention, maybe she just wasnt with it that night... you dont have to always see the bad.

I'd honestly say, give her your trust, and let her know she has it, dont get pissy with her if she taolks to other guys or hangs out with a kid you hate or you think has designs on her... just straight up be open and say "I trust you, and I care about, and Im not saying this is gonna be iot for either of us, but I know we have enough between us that if either of us strays or doesnt want to be here, we at least mean enough to each other to be honest about it"... thats all Ive ever done, and I have been cheated on and lied to once, and I wont tell you it can protect you from a broken heart, but I dont think it will break your heart any MORE than it would get anyway, and at least you dont have all the stressing out and fear you have now.

Just make a decision to trust her, and let her know you do. if she breaks your heart, she will anyway... if she does, just let her go... you'll find a girl who wont soon enough if it goes that way.

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shoe

Yeah, i really understand that now. Im working on it. Its not that i dont trust her, but she has done things that i have written off as questionable in the past. See.. sometimes when we dont get along or get pissed at eachother, and its happenned twice now ( albeit earlier in the relationship) she goes and spends time with other guys just to piss me off. For example, she went over for dinner and a movie with a guy she knew wanted her instead of trying to fix things. I have trust in her but these actions of hers have had me wondering a few times.

Viking1064

All I know is that if my S/O showed up anywhere I am, I always greet her and give her a kiss. No matter what.

shesus

Shoe, from what I've read from your op and your responses, this relationship sounds like it needs a lot of work. As stragefamous said, jealousy can tear a relationship apart because of the non-trust issue. If she has done things in the past that have broken your trust and you still think of them, the relationship is not healthy because you are constantly thinking, in the back of your mind anyway, that she is cheating on you now. I would sit down and have a discussion with her about the night in question. Ask her why her greeting was so short and why she brought that particular guy and why she didn't move when you came in. Discuss how you feel and why you are jealous. If the discussion goes well and you can trust her, then keep the lines of communication opened and there may be hope. However, if the dicussion does not go well and you still feel jealous you've got to leave. I have been in jealous relationships on both sides. When I was jealous, I was never happy and when he was the jealous one, I was never happy. It is not a way to live. Maybe she just isn't the right one. You deserve to be happy and to be in a relationship with no jealousy involved. Good luck!

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GoldenOuroboros

She doesn't have much of a right to do what she did, ignoring you and what not, perhaps she was just really excited that her movie was going to shown on the big screen

She has two sides doesn't she? Surely you could have sat on the other side of her, said hi to the guy (as much as you hate him, be tolerant, this is sure to get some stars in your book). Replace the jealousy with trust, if she breaks the trust then don't go there again. Jealousy will only tear a relationship apart, trust me

Anyways, I hope the talk went well, sit her down, tell her how you feel about the guy, ask her how she feels about him, if she says he's just a friend tell her that you'll accept that, tell her how you felt at the movie place and that you weren't greeted by her seeing that she is your girlfriend and all.

Hope it all works out for you and her

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Poppinjay

Shoe, a good part of your jealousy is because she is your first. It's something that goes with being a guy. We're no so much about being with only one for our entire lives, but damn be if our first goes and does it with someone esle. You'll just have to get over that. The sooner the better.

The sooner you learn this guy truism, the better: he who cares the least, wins. All you need to see to prove that is that horrible Real World episode where a girl on the show has sex, and then has to let her boyfriend know on the phone, whereupon he has a hissy girly fit.

Whenever you feel the jealousy rising, write it off. Let her know you don't really care, but not in a bad, wimpering way.

This is how it works in the poppinjay household.....

Ms. Poppinjay: "I'm going to have lunch with Mark, our successful manager who is ten years younger than you and very fit."

Me: "Great! Can you pick up a case of Octoberfest? I'm going to have a few guys over to watch the game, or we could go to Hooters to watch it."

Ms. Poppinjay: (comes back with beer)

He. Who. Cares. The. Least. Wins.

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motdakasha

First of all, she knew there was bad blood between you two. She said he wanted to see her movie. I am assuming that not inviting you was an effort on her part not to stir up past drama, yet still allow him to view her flick.

While she should have paid you more mind when you showed up, if I had been in her position, and you were obviously fuming as much as it sounds like you were, I would've left you alone, too, because: a) that night was about her, not you; b) being as angry as you were, you probably needed time alone to cool off; c) they weren't fucking in the seats in front of you, so nothing was happening.

When she tried to explain things to you, ignoring her only made your situation worse. She probably was thinking well hopefully he's cooled off now and he's approachable. Guess again!

Even though you detest this man, and obviously she knows that, you need to learn how to be more civil in those situations. Maybe the non-invite is a way of saying, "grow up." Overreacting like you did will only give reason for her to be more secretive about anything that you clearly disapprove of, which will only push her away further and further.

Edit:
There is a phenomenon in psychology called "reactance." That is, the more you emphasize NOT to do something, the more likely someone will be to DO exactly what you told them not to. They do it solely because you place emphasis on not doing it.

In addition to this phenomena, are you trying to be her father or her boyfriend? She is her own person and while you can advise her not to do something or see someone, ultimately it's up to her.

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dirtyrascal7

all i have to say is... no matter how things turn out with your girlfriend, you need to learn from your mistakes here. if i were you, i'd come back to this thread in about 3 months and reread it. you'll be shocked at the things you thought were important... and hopefully it will give you a better perspective for next time.

shoe

Thanks for all the replies, it was really great advice as everything is going great between us now. We spoke for a few hours about everything and it all seems cleared up.

Motdakasha - a very accurate portrayal of the situation, you hit the nail on the head. You described it exactly like she did.

c172g

I just got in on this one at the end, but you are taking way more shit from her than you should. If you're the boyfriend, she shouldn't be going places with other guys period. I'm not the jealous type, but if some chick I call my girlfriend is hanging out and ignoring me around another guy, there is a major fucking problem. Kick her ass to the curb or expect a lot more of those sleepless nights in the future. Good luck.

Poppinjay

I don't think that will get shoe very far in this relationship, which is still young. There's a big difference between two people still getting to know each other and old married types. What she did may have been a mistake, but not break-up severe.

Otherwise, you can't expect a mate to ignore half the people on the planet.

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I think the Apocalypse is happening all around us. We go on eating desserts and watching TV. I know I do. I wish we were more capable of sustained passion and sustained resistance. We should be screaming and what we do is gossip. -Lydia Millet

Seaver

1. You need to chill out. No matter how much you hate this guy, you must understand that being jealous will only make things worse. By throwing your little fit when she came to talk to you, it showed your insecurity (something women dont like in men). It also created a divide between you two, and a desire to be with the guy who isnt being pissy (to have fun at HER movie).

2. She fucked up. She should have sat with you, or made him move the second you showed up. I dont know if anything is going on here. If I were you I'd go find the hottest woman in the room I could find and just go talk to her (taste her own jealousy).

3. When she did talk to you, LISTEN. Find out why she didnt move, and say "I want you to sit with me next time". Fixes the problem, lets her know you're being a man, and lets the other guy know who her man is.

4. Drop the jealousy crap. If she wants to be with you, she will be with you. If she wants to be with him, she'll be with him. Throwing fits of jealousy will only make you look worse and him look better.

Scrub0

Ugh..talking/hanging out with other guys is one thing, but ignoring you for other guys is complete bullshit. i wouldn't be able to take that.

little_tippler

ok, maybe I'm going to be bashed for saying this but:

jealousy can end relationships but

nobody should have to be a doormat

I don't think he's being unreasonable if this guy has interfered in the past

from my personal experience, I can tell you that exes as friends is not always a good idea - there was something there once and there could be again in a moment of need

you can trust someone all you want but things happen

so keep your eyes open. I don't like "friends" of the opposite sex who whisper private jokes in my guy's ear.

Maybe I'm too protective but I say I'm just not blind.

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We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
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Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
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Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
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tooth

DING! DING! DING! We have a winner!


She should not even be associating with this asshole, much less choosing to sit next to, and talk to, him over you. No level of excuses from her could explain this situation away.