Depressed over situation with a friend & need advice - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

mattevil · 10-02-2005, 12:08 PM

Ok this seemed like the best place to ask since I need some multiple perspectives on this one and this community has some people that are a lot more experienced and wiser than me.

I've been friends with this girl for over a year now but this year we've been especially close going to the movies, staying out together till about 5 in the morning on the weekends, going for runs, etc.
The past two weeks however I've only talked with her on the phone because we've both been sick and this past week I was just really busy with school.

Well I saw her this Friday and we were both excited to see each other after being away from each other. We hung out like usual, hit a bar and even danced a little. As I walked her back to her apartment however she tells me that she has a boyfriend (this has happened somewhere in the last week evidently). Worse yet she says I should meet him because she trusts my advice and wanted to see if I saw any "red flags"(I declined and said I'd be biased against the guy since I've known her for so long and be protective of her, which is partly true).

I felt shattered, I thought I was a just close friend with this girl but evidently I had deeper feelings than I thought and didn't even really know it until now. The worse part is I'm starting to wonder if she got into this relationship out of convenience since she's been having family problems and I just wasn't there and he happened to be. We even got into a little squabble on Friday before I knew any of this about not calling each other that much in the last 2 weeks. I think she knows now that this is bothering me too now just because of the way she looked at me after she saw how I reacted to this news (I was in shock and lost my joking personality real quick). I 'm wondering if during all this time we've been close she's been waiting for me to make a move and just finally gave up thinking I just wanted to be friends or something (honestly I didn't know if i wanted to be friends or more with her at this time but was starting to debate it as we spent more time together). I’m also wondering if she's not all that into this relationship based on things she's told me and the fact that we hung out on Friday (homecoming game night) alone together. Then again I might be just be too infatuated to see that maybe all she wanted out of me was a friend.

I'm telling you guys I'm just at a loss right now on how to handle this situation and it's not helping that I haven't gotten much sleep so I'm overly emotional and stressed out right now (read: might not be capable of rational thought at this time). Should I just drop contact with this girl, count it as just a lost opportunity, and just try to look around at other women? I feel if I see her anymore especially if it's with this guy I'm just going to get even more depressed and stressed out. I'm having a hard time considering that option though since this girl's probably my best friend. I mean shit I’d love for me to just be happy for her but it doesn't seem possible right now especially if she came to me for advice about it. Should I just hope this blows over in a few weeks (wanting her) and try to become her friend again after that or is that a lost cause right now with the feelings I have for her now? I'm even wondering if I should just talk to her face to face or call her (don't know what's better for this) and just tell her how I feel but I'm worried if I do that I could possibly be flushing a really great friendship down the toilet. I mean I don't know how long this is going to last, it could be two weeks or two years, should I be proactive or wait and see if it doesn't work out and tell her then. I'm frightened though if I wait it'll just be my luck and they'll be together for months.

Anyways I just need to hear from somebody on what to do.I'm feeling I'm going to have to face this real soon whether I like it or not because I just can't keep avoiding her for the rest of the year(and wouldn't want to). I'm hoping somebody here's gone through this before (I imagine many have but this is a first time for me). Oh yeah sorry for the windy post but it was a little therapeutic to just get it off my chest.

RGHoskins26 · 10-02-2005, 12:24 PM

Dude, you sound a touch self destructive right now. The first thing you should do is get some sleep. Clear heads conceive better thoughts. Then, take a look at the situation as a whole. It sounds like you haven't blown anything yet. It's posible she brought this other guy into it to show you that she won't wait forever, like a warning of sorts. It's also possible she just wants to be your friend. Unfortunately, the best way for you to answer this is probably TO hang out with her, and possibly meet the guy....just be cool about it. But most of all, if this girl means as much to you as you say she does, you need to talk to her and be honest with her. no bullshit, no defensive attitude, just talk to her about your relationship and what it is or isn't. The worst that can happen is you'll know the truth, whatever that may be.....

Nisses · 10-03-2005, 03:55 AM

It sounds more like she has you pictured as a good friend, and that's that. No romantic feelings.

What can you do: Sleep, get a clear head, learn to be more aware of yourself and your feelings, and act on them.

When you find somebody and tell her about it, she'll perhaps become aware of some of her own feelings for you, or maybe not.

For the moment tho, she's not trying to pick up a guy just to spite you. What would be the point in that?

just my 2 cents worth. Take it with a grain of salt and consult your doctor in the morning.

x brer lapin · 10-03-2005, 12:18 PM

talk to her nicely
tell her the truth about things
at least she will know

raveneye · 10-03-2005, 12:30 PM

She's been your good friend for over a year. Let her know how you feel. Tell her everything you told us, in a nice, non-blaming way. Don't put any pressure on her, no ultimatums, just let her know.

Who knows what the future will be, but at least she'll completely understand your immediate feelings and actions. She'll respect you for being honest, and maybe she'll stay at least a good friend.

SiNai · 10-03-2005, 10:10 PM

Been there. Do what they said- give it to her blunt, and then give yourself some space. If you have feelings for her that aren't being reciprocated, get away from her. Trying to be that friend will probably extend this period of emotional stress.. Sometimes you have to look out for #1.

Cynthetiq · 10-03-2005, 10:33 PM

seems like you cemented yourself deep into the friend zone and after 1 year you never made a move like try to kiss her or anything that moved you out of it.

if anything if you don't learn how you got into the friend zone you'll always be stuck in it even next time.

mattevil · 10-05-2005, 03:32 PM

Thanks for the input guys. I made my mind up and I'm just going to tell her tonight. I'm probably going to ask her to go running that way I can talk to her in a neutral place. I'm pretty much prepared for the worst but I still know this probably going to be painful at best. I think I'm just going to tell her now that I know I have feelings for her that I'm just going to need space for a while to get over it if I'm still going to be her friend otherwise this will just eat at me.

Cynthetiq · 10-05-2005, 03:37 PM

make sure that you understand that you have a good chance of losing this friendship over this conversation...

zkara · 10-06-2005, 09:25 AM

It sounds like she's bringing up this guy as a 'Look.. do something now or I'm gone'. Almost makes me feel like she wants to see how you will react and how you will feel. From my perspective, I don't think any girls will hang out with a guy friend every weekend till 5am if there are no deeper feelings involved than just friendship.

But then again.. that's just my cynical mind working..

Summing up from my past experiences, I feel you should just be honest about your feelings with her. Just.. give her time to digest it.

10-02-2005, 12:08 PM	#1 (permalink)
mattevil Addict Location: Virginia	Depressed over situation with friend & need advice Ok this seemed like the best place to ask since I need some multiple perspectives on this one and this community has some people that are a lot more experienced and wiser than me. I've been friends with this girl for over a year now but this year we've been especially close going to the movies, staying out together till about 5 in the morning on the weekends, going for runs, etc. The past two weeks however I've only talked with her on the phone because we've both been sick and this past week I was just really busy with school. Well I saw her this Friday and we were both excited to see each other after being away from each other. We hung out like usual, hit a bar and even danced a little. As I walked her back to her apartment however she tells me that she has a boyfriend (this has happened somewhere in the last week evidently). Worse yet she says I should meet him because she trusts my advice and wanted to see if I saw any "red flags"(I declined and said I'd be biased against the guy since I've known her for so long and be protective of her, which is partly true). I felt shattered, I thought I was a just close friend with this girl but evidently I had deeper feelings than I thought and didn't even really know it until now. The worse part is I'm starting to wonder if she got into this relationship out of convenience since she's been having family problems and I just wasn't there and he happened to be. We even got into a little squabble on Friday before I knew any of this about not calling each other that much in the last 2 weeks. I think she knows now that this is bothering me too now just because of the way she looked at me after she saw how I reacted to this news (I was in shock and lost my joking personality real quick). I 'm wondering if during all this time we've been close she's been waiting for me to make a move and just finally gave up thinking I just wanted to be friends or something (honestly I didn't know if i wanted to be friends or more with her at this time but was starting to debate it as we spent more time together). I’m also wondering if she's not all that into this relationship based on things she's told me and the fact that we hung out on Friday (homecoming game night) alone together. Then again I might be just be too infatuated to see that maybe all she wanted out of me was a friend. I'm telling you guys I'm just at a loss right now on how to handle this situation and it's not helping that I haven't gotten much sleep so I'm overly emotional and stressed out right now (read: might not be capable of rational thought at this time). Should I just drop contact with this girl, count it as just a lost opportunity, and just try to look around at other women? I feel if I see her anymore especially if it's with this guy I'm just going to get even more depressed and stressed out. I'm having a hard time considering that option though since this girl's probably my best friend. I mean shit I’d love for me to just be happy for her but it doesn't seem possible right now especially if she came to me for advice about it. Should I just hope this blows over in a few weeks (wanting her) and try to become her friend again after that or is that a lost cause right now with the feelings I have for her now? I'm even wondering if I should just talk to her face to face or call her (don't know what's better for this) and just tell her how I feel but I'm worried if I do that I could possibly be flushing a really great friendship down the toilet. I mean I don't know how long this is going to last, it could be two weeks or two years, should I be proactive or wait and see if it doesn't work out and tell her then. I'm frightened though if I wait it'll just be my luck and they'll be together for months. Anyways I just need to hear from somebody on what to do.I'm feeling I'm going to have to face this real soon whether I like it or not because I just can't keep avoiding her for the rest of the year(and wouldn't want to). I'm hoping somebody here's gone through this before (I imagine many have but this is a first time for me). Oh yeah sorry for the windy post but it was a little therapeutic to just get it off my chest. Last edited by mattevil; 10-02-2005 at 12:18 PM..

10-03-2005, 03:55 AM	#3 (permalink)
Nisses Shade Location: Belgium	It sounds more like she has you pictured as a good friend, and that's that. No romantic feelings. What can you do: Sleep, get a clear head, learn to be more aware of yourself and your feelings, and act on them. When you find somebody and tell her about it, she'll perhaps become aware of some of her own feelings for you, or maybe not. For the moment tho, she's not trying to pick up a guy just to spite you. What would be the point in that? just my 2 cents worth. Take it with a grain of salt and consult your doctor in the morning. __________________ Moderation should be moderately moderated.

10-03-2005, 10:10 PM	#6 (permalink)
SiNai Dreams In Digital Location: Iowa	Been there. Do what they said- give it to her blunt, and then give yourself some space. If you have feelings for her that aren't being reciprocated, get away from her. Trying to be that friend will probably extend this period of emotional stress.. Sometimes you have to look out for #1. __________________ I can't seem to remember now What it was like- to live life, before you.. symbiont

10-03-2005, 10:33 PM	#7 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	seems like you cemented yourself deep into the friend zone and after 1 year you never made a move like try to kiss her or anything that moved you out of it. if anything if you don't learn how you got into the friend zone you'll always be stuck in it even next time. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-05-2005, 03:37 PM	#9 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	make sure that you understand that you have a good chance of losing this friendship over this conversation... __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

10-02-2005, 12:24 PM	#2 (permalink)
RGHoskins26 Upright Location: Simpsonville SC	Dude, you sound a touch self destructive right now. The first thing you should do is get some sleep. Clear heads conceive better thoughts. Then, take a look at the situation as a whole. It sounds like you haven't blown anything yet. It's posible she brought this other guy into it to show you that she won't wait forever, like a warning of sorts. It's also possible she just wants to be your friend. Unfortunately, the best way for you to answer this is probably TO hang out with her, and possibly meet the guy....just be cool about it. But most of all, if this girl means as much to you as you say she does, you need to talk to her and be honest with her. no bullshit, no defensive attitude, just talk to her about your relationship and what it is or isn't. The worst that can happen is you'll know the truth, whatever that may be.....

10-03-2005, 12:18 PM	#4 (permalink)
x brer lapin Upright	talk to her nicely tell her the truth about things at least she will know

10-03-2005, 12:30 PM	#5 (permalink)
raveneye Born Against	She's been your good friend for over a year. Let her know how you feel. Tell her everything you told us, in a nice, non-blaming way. Don't put any pressure on her, no ultimatums, just let her know. Who knows what the future will be, but at least she'll completely understand your immediate feelings and actions. She'll respect you for being honest, and maybe she'll stay at least a good friend.

10-05-2005, 03:32 PM	#8 (permalink)
mattevil Addict Location: Virginia	Thanks for the input guys. I made my mind up and I'm just going to tell her tonight. I'm probably going to ask her to go running that way I can talk to her in a neutral place. I'm pretty much prepared for the worst but I still know this probably going to be painful at best. I think I'm just going to tell her now that I know I have feelings for her that I'm just going to need space for a while to get over it if I'm still going to be her friend otherwise this will just eat at me.

10-06-2005, 09:25 AM	#10 (permalink)
zkara Tilt me. Location: Midflight	It sounds like she's bringing up this guy as a 'Look.. do something now or I'm gone'. Almost makes me feel like she wants to see how you will react and how you will feel. From my perspective, I don't think any girls will hang out with a guy friend every weekend till 5am if there are no deeper feelings involved than just friendship. But then again.. that's just my cynical mind working.. Summing up from my past experiences, I feel you should just be honest about your feelings with her. Just.. give her time to digest it.