wolf

I know this has been posted a million times before, but I need to know what you all think.

I really like anal sex with my wife. She isn't crazy about it, but once in a while she permits it. However whenever we do it there is always an argument. She thinks that I am gay because I am obsessed with the female ass. She thinks that because I am more attracted to that area that I am gay. Now I don't have anything against gay people at all, but I just don't feel that I am one of them. So, what say you O lords of Tilted Sexuality. What can I say to reassure her?

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ngdawg

Have an affair

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clever username

Nope. You're not gay. You're just an ass man. Furthermore, as your wife only permits it once in a while, that is probably feeding your desire for it. Economics 101 tells me that scarcity defines value, etc.
I'm pretty much in the same boat.

aberkok

Your wife isn't making sense. If you are attracted to the female ass, how can that possibly be construed as gay?

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Lebell

Bingo.

If you preferred going out to gay bars and plugging men's asses, then you would be gay.

Right now, you're just a kinky straight guy.

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the_marq

Sounds to me like for whatever reason your wife does not like the ass fucking and is trying to talk you out of wanting to do it. Calling it 'gay' was just a convenient excuse, the real issue here is she does not want a cock in her ass.

Talk to her about it, and if she is dead set against it you may have to forgo the anal sex.

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pig

wolf,

Have you tried staring at her incredulously? You might ask her if she'd let you put a little toupee on her back, so that she'll look a little hairier...oh wait, wrong advise...really, it sounds to me like y'all need a little talky talk about respecting open communication. Unless there's more to the story (you don't have picture of brad pitt in a speedo above your bed or anything?) then you admitting that you have a little fetish involving her anus should not result in her attacking your sexual libido. I assume you've tried explaing to her why you do like it?

edit deleted subliminal enticement to toil

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Zegel

Sounds like she's just looking at the feeling that you would receive from her ass or a guys ass, as they would be fairly similar. Since when was sex just about the feeling though? Theres a ton more that goes into it, visual stimulation is hugely important as well.

Maybe you could try to impress on her that while yes, you do like the added sensation of anal sex (tighter, for one), the intimacy and sexual appeal of her is what really drives you. Doing the same thing with a guy, or another woman for that matter, wouldnt have those other very important pieces.

And of course, if there is something other than the feeling that feeds your desire for anal, bring that up as well. I know that for me and my Wife a big part of the sexyness behind anal is the way that she has to relax completely and let me take control for it to work. I never force my way in, instead just holding her tightly from behind and whispering in her ear until she relaxes enough. A little bit of dominiation with a whole lot of respect works best for us.

abaya

Yep, I agree. How long have you two been married? Does she trust you?

Before (and while) ktspktsp and I started trying anal stuff, we had long talks about why we were interested in such activities and what it could mean for us, both individually and as a couple. As a result of so much open communication (and plain old trust) on the topic, I never had a problem with trying this stuff. The question of possible gayness/bi-ness did come up, but not as an accusation... more as just a curiousity thing (and I have also been curious about my own sexuality, so it's something we've both talked about). Obviously if his sexuality was part of it, it would have affected our relationship, but he did some soul-searching and came to the conclusion that really, he just likes my ass.

I am very secure knowing that his desire for anal activities doesn't reflect at all on his sexual orientation... it's just another part of the body to enjoy. Communicate!!! in a non-threatening manner. And let us know how it goes.

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Daniel_

Seems that your not a poof.

You're a pervert.

So you want to sodomise your wife - who doesn't? After all she's a very cute woman .....

OK - beign serious - she doesn't want a cock up her arse - that's a valid point of view - after all, neither do I.

Neither do you (that I know of).

Maybe she'd be reasonable to think you were gay if you wanted her to fuck your ass. Do you?

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texxasco

I don't think there's anything really that you can say to reassure her that you're not gay...other than be yourself (and since you're not gay that ought to suffice).

As for the butt fetish....you're going to just have to go with her pace on this. Sooner or later, either you will give in, or she will... but I wouldn't spend a lot of time trying to sway her. You don't have to stop asking for it, but if I were you would be a little more low keyed about the deal. Be patient, and see where it goes.

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ngdawg

If I may add one female perspective..anal can HURT Some of us get NO pleasure from it at all and the fact that you said 'once in a while she permits it', but there always an argument after points out her displeasure.
So, I have to ask-are YOUR wants more important than hers? Is there something WRONG with her pussy that it comes a distant second to what you enjoy? Personally, I'd feel like that's what you're implying if I were she.....

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Acetylene

ngdawg makes an extremely good point. I would never ever recommend doing anal if the receiver is not totally OK with it. If she's even a little unhappy about the whole business (which seems to be the case with your wife) she won't be able to relax enough to avoid pain and discomfort. No kind of sex should ever be under duress--besides the fact that it is uncomfortable, that just isn't love.

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Johnny Pyro

Hmmm, sounds like she doesn't like it. I would just stop and stick with the old fashioned, boring, vaginal sex. Some women love it and most women hate it.

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Mr Honest

I don't think it means you are gay (there's nothing wrong with being gay anyway).
I've had anal sex but even if a pretty man offered it I'm straight and only find some ladies attractive.
But your wife has hands, breasts, a body, a mouth, a mind, a pussy, what is your obsession with her anal area from?
If it's from tightness, then gently suggest to her to do the Kegels.
If I marry and my wife accepts anal then to me I would want for every 10x oral and 10 x penetration I would except or want anal maybe 1x if that.
Have you watched too much porn? Remember when you were a kid or teen, I bet you could get turned on my just kissing a girl?
tone down the fantasies. How about if she wanted to use a strap on up your ass and that's what she talked about all the time, wouldn't you think she was obsessing a tad too much?

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analog

Ignoring the blatantly anti-male stance in this post, I agree with the crux of the point made here. If you're doing something that is uncomfortable for someone else, regardless of their sex or yours, you have to do so with an extra dose of understanding for their feelings on the issue.

This has nothing to do with "wants" and whose are more important, so there's no need to bash the guy and talk to him like he's "another stupid, insensitive man".

The argument here isn't really about why her ass is more important than her vagina, but that she thinks he's gay because he likes doing it. Well, she's being very closed-minded in calling you gay because you like anal sex. You may want to ask if that's the real issue, or if she's just so uncomfortable with anal (physically and mentally) that she feels it's easier to shame you away from it than discuss it like two mature adults. This issue needs a discussion, not an argument, as the two mature, intelligent adults that you are. This is the type of argument a high school couple has- and that's not a dig on you, it's just representative of the level of immaturity and lack of real communication. It's absurd for her to say you're gay because of that. As others have pointed out, it's HER ass, not a man's.

Also, let's keep our thoughts and words in mind that we don't inadvertently demonize bisexuals and gays by talking like a man liking another man's ass is something horrible and awful. We have to be mindful that while supporting your own lifestyle, you do not bash someone else's.

la petite moi

Being homosexual has NOTHING to do with loving the ass.

Homosexuality is being sexually AND physically attracted to a member of the same sex.

aberkok

To spring to ngdawg's defense, she didn't post an anti-male stance. She was just balancing the issue. Nobody had questioned wolf's persistence upon having anal sex until she posted. We were all taking for granted that he was entitled. Ngdawg was merely bringing up something that had been overlooked and I do not at all see anything there that is anti-male.

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Zephyr66

My opinion has already been expressed by many other people in this thread, so the only point i need to say is this:

Thank you for saying this Analog. This statement really needs to come into effect more in the world. Being Bi I watch a lot of conversations where people who are completely fine with homosexuality still manage to make it sound wrong without even realizing it. I think everyone needs a reality check like this sometimes.

analog

To spring to mine... yeah, she did. Nobody questioned his persistence because that wasn't his question nor the crux of his issue. His issue is about his wife calling him "gay" because he likes having sex "with her ass" so much. As much as it "hurts" and she's coming from a "woman's perspective", there are plenty of males who thoroughly enjoy anal sex, or find it uncomfortable and do it anyway. Being a woman isn't what it's about, it's about people who find something uncomfortable to do with their SO and expressing themselves in that vein. The thread starter's wife has chosen to call him gay because he enjoys anal.

"So, I have to ask-are YOUR wants more important than hers? Is there something WRONG with her pussy that it comes a distant second to what you enjoy? Personally, I'd feel like that's what you're implying if I were she....."

This is where the words turn the argument against him for no particular reason. There's no reason for this sort of affront. This line of questioning could also have been phrased differently so it's not righteous indignation at his character. Nobody questioned his persistence because he gave no indication he's persistent, or how persistent. For all we know, she's calling him obsessed because he mentions it once a month, once every 6 months. Any amount can be seen as obsessing from the point of view of a person who doesn't enjoy said activity.

And considering the wife is the one hurling slurs at him by calling him gay (and using it as a negative), I'm not inclined to give her side of the story a lot of extra room for consideration.

Suave

"Honey, if I were gay I wouldn't get a massive erection in your presence."

or

"Me, gay? Ohhhhhhh don't be thilly."

I suggest that since she is so averse to the prospect of anal sex that you simply let it be and stop asking her for it. That's my take on what I'd do in your position anyway.

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aberkok

But if she doesn't enjoy it and he keeps requesting it, isn't that persistent?

There's no question in my mind that her approach to the situation is wrong, but if wolf's main concern is whether he's gay or not, and not also that his wife is opposed to anal, isn't there clearly a lack of communication or caring that has to be addressed?

I would love to hear from both ngdawg and wolf again. Ngdawg, have I interpreted your motives correctly? Wolf, have you considered that you might have to give up on anal with your wife?

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ngdawg

Yes, you have, actually. I don't know where this 'anti-male' comes from...as someone whose four best friends are all male, discussions on this level with them is the norm.
My questions are from the perspective of a wife who doesn't like anal and I bring up the possibility of the thinking behind it. I never used the word obsessed either and in context of a discussion, would prefer the exact words used, as I did when responding to Wolf.
This is an issue between marrieds and as such, should be something mutually decided on.

Edit: This has gotten offtrack because of some misguided thinking and personal feelings. I addressed Wolf's statement that his wife 'permits' it, but then there's the argument after and that is what needs to be addressed, really, as that is a much deeper issue than her belittling words to him. Regardless of the immaturity of the words used, there's more at stake and Wolf and the wife need to explore what that is.

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Ustwo

Hehe this reminds me of the logic where if you like women to be fully shaved you must have pedophile tendencies. When Mrs. Ustwo didn't want to shave the first time she asked me about it because she read the pedophile thing somewhere. I of course laughed at her. I could see if your wife didn't want to do anal she would ask the same thing, mostly out of annoyance.

Also I don’t' think that ngdawg's take was 'anti-male' at all. As a male my experience giving anal-sex to women has been mostly negative since Mr. Happy is a bit too wide for it and it always hurts them. Plus I have to agree that pussy > asshole for sex

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Hanxter

haven't gotten any lately, have you???

777

If I may take the anti-female stance... If she enjoys a someone going down on her, does that make her a lesbian? It's how women have sex together, after all

I do agree with those that say Wolf's wife might hate anal sex. Consider it a favor to you when ever she agrees to it. Have you tryed using more lube?

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wolf

Hey all, thanks for all of the advice. Sorry I didn't get back to you all sooner, busy work schedule and tests at school which I just started back to. Anyways I sat my wife down and explained to her that I am 1000% (yes I know that isn't possible) that I have never been and never will be gay(not that there's anything wrong with that). I explained that in the same way she likes certain parts of anatomy, so do I. I explained that I did some research (you guys, as well as some web sites) and found that there is nothing abnormal or gay about wanting to have anal sex with a female. It is infact a very intimate thing. So she said that she just needs to have a little more foreplay before we try it again, no problem here I said. I told her that maybe if I made her have an orgasm first it may help as well as additional lube from what we used the other night. I told her that I still like vaginal sex and that can be the norm, if once and a while she could throw me a bone with the anal, but only if she wants to. I told her that if she doesn't feel comfortable with it, or just doesn't want to do it, then we don't have to. After all it's her body that is being penetrated, not mine. She seemed to relax after this conversation. Hopefully this will open the gates to further communication and better sex, who could complain about that?

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denim

Sounds like it's all good. Communicate!

World's King

Just gag her and bend her over... I mean... Um...


You're not gay. I very much enjoy the hell outta anal sex but the idea of stickin' my little man into another man... that's not cool. There really is just something sexy about a female ass up in the air with her head slammed into the pillows as you go to town. It's porn that does this to men. We see females get rammed in the ass and we wanna try it. It started in porn and bath houses. And has made it's way to every Joe Six-Pack with broadband.

God Bless Porn.

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eribrav

if once and a while she could throw me a bone with the anal

Be careful what you wish for. You may get it.

Halx

Dont take this as a judgement, or assistance of any value. I just cannot believe the idea that your WIFE would call you gay because of that. I mean... personally, if my wife made such a suggestion, I look at her for a second and then go, "Wow. I sure hope you didn't spend hours thinking about this and come up with that as a result. I thought I married you for more than your anus."

Then I wouldn't have sex for months, but at least I'd have the satisfaction of getting off a really good insult.

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Martian

I have to agree with Halx on this one. On the other hand, I could see it as an avoidance maneuver if she just doesn't like it. You may have to just go without anal sex. On the bright side, at least you're getting laid fairly regularly.

I never saw the appeal of anal myself, so I just might be biased.

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jrrd73

take your wife to google, google up anal sex web sites and show her how popular it is. that or accept your sexuality. maybe it's that you call her mike when you do it.

ngdawg

Showing the popularity of something is not going to make it more acceptable to her at all and it probably wouldn't have changed the initial insult she hurled to get him to back off.
He took the right approach in bringing it up and they discussed it much better as a result. Sometimes, in being married (or a longterm relatioinship of any kind, really), we take for granted the feelings of another and think we can hurl out anything, then wonder why they're insulted. And, while all this could have been avoided had she merely voiced her position (no pun intended) on the matter without the personal hits, Wolf was right on to use this and his research to broach the subject as he did. Not everyone can just talk about what they want or like. I tried the calm, logical approach myself and it was taken as an insult in my own relationship. So, kudos to those that can do it successfully.

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wolf

Thanks again everyone.

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pig

Hey,wolf,

Another thing to think about: anal penetration, via toys or thumb-like digits, while simultaneously pulling vaginal penetration. Might make an better transition or help her to learn to enjoy anal sex, if she ever would. I'm guessing some chicks just aren't ever going to like having tube in their rectum.

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doncalypso

You're only gay if you are sexually attracted to men and have sex with men... Your wife is being ridiculous by claming you're gay due to your obsession with her ass.

Tell her to grow the fvck up... and when you want anal sex, make sure to give her plenty of oral sex first so she gets an orgasm before you penetrate her ass. Having cum beforehand will make her more receptive to anal.

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texxasco

I think she's really just trying to tell him she really doesn't like anal very much, and wishes he didn't either.

Telling her to grow the f-ck up might not be the best thing to say to his wife, and especially since he is trying to convince her to participate in something she isn't crazy about. I'd take a much softer approach if I were him.

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ShaniFaye

I would just like to add that just because a guy might like anal stuff DOESNT make him gay.

I dont think "gay" is denoted by where you like things put in you body....its by WHOM, at least IMO thats what it is

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air45

if you like the anal love, you are not a gay homo. you are bisexual man! this is good because your chance for anal love is now times two!

good for you!