tecoyah

I am curious as to whether or not members of this community see such interactions as serious in a general sort of way. We all use the web to meet people, and chat back and forth. I have found quite a few people I very much like in this way, But:

1) is it easier to "get serious" due to the lack of facial expression?
2) is it just an easy Ego Boost?
3) what does this flirtation do for You?

maleficent

Interesting questions:

1. It's much harder to get serious because of the lack of facial expression and eye contact... talk is pretty cheap -- people can say anything when they are behind a computer screen -- but when you are face to face - it's more real.

2. Flirtation in real life or on line is really nothing more than ego stroking.

3. Flirtation like that annoys me - it irks me when I do it -it's more annoying when other people do it because it's hiding the real person - -I'd much rather have a real conversation with someone - even if it erupts into an argument than to play a game.

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Mr Honest

I don't take it seriously because there's no way I'm really flirting with someone when I don't know how old they are or what they look like. Call me shallow but there are some scary people out there

+ I'm getting engaged and she's the jealous type. I don't want to wake up with my penis in one of her hands and knife in the other

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texxasco

I think online flirtation is harmless. It's nice to be flirted with, and to flirt with others, but it is nothing to take very seriously. Why? Because like maleficent posted, talk is cheap and it's real easy to say anything when you are setting behind a computer screen. Now... Flirtation in real time, in person... That is the real deal for me, and an ego boost for sure. But even flirting in person has it's limitations. At some point a real conversation needs to take place, or whatever being said just ends up being BS, and might as well be words typed on a computer screen.

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pig

Tec,

Depends on what you mean by "get serious." Do you mean in the relationship sense, as in "you and me to the ends of time babe / let me rub my love loam all over your beautiful body" or in the "let's discuss philosophy and theology and politics and whatnot" sense? I've found that people discuss very different things online / in email than they will face to face. So, in some sense, I think it's easier to be more serious about certain topics online. With that said...

I personally think internet flirtation is all fun and games, and I'm certainly not above it. I don't, however, think it translates too well to real life...maybe like a 10% increased-knowledge-of-the-other-person factor. But as soon as you say / they say "let's get together and have a few drinks" all kinds of shit goes out the window... I think it's just psychological fun, 95% of the time.

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Ustwo

1 - In some ways it IS easier to get serious because its easier to broach subjects which are hard to talk about in person.

Give me enough 1-1 chat on the net and I'll have a girl telling me her favorite sexual positions, her sexual history, her fantasies etc. I've done this a good number of times over the years, and its not like I try or look for it, its just a natural course of discussion. I've done the same thing in person of course, but it doesn't seem as easy.

2 - Nope not really an ego boost, just a way to pass time.

3 - See above, kills time.

Now as a warning, I've seen a LOT of internet flirting lead to full fledged cheating (no never with me), so if your SO starts to do this on line be VERY careful.

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JumpinJesus

The danger inherent in online flirtation is when one views it as fun and games and the other views it as a progressing relationship. It needs to remain clear at all times what the motivations are.

Those of you in chat know that there can be some very heavy flirtation going on. I've gotten a few PMs asking if I'm okay with the flirtation, which I appreciate. And yes, I'm fine with it because I'm well aware on this end that the flirtation is harmless and there is enough understanding among some to keep it harmless. However, there have been a few instances where not all involved were aware of the harmlessness of it. That is where intentions must clearly be stated.

Of course, the ultimate danger is the mutually harmless fun-and-games flirtation that gets out of hand and becomes more than an ego boost for one and not the other.

It is easy to let those lines blur. When that happens, it's time to step back and let things cool.

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jt6879

I think guys feed off being anonymous on the internet and aren't as stupid when they talk to females. I think the females enjoy the interaction and attention too, so it all works out.

shesus

I am notorious for flirting I think do it for fun and yes I think that any positive attention is an ego-boost. However, if the people involved in the flirting are not clear of the boundaries and expectations, problems can occur. Chat is different things to different people. I view it as a way to have discussions, share ideas, and have fun with role playing that is sometimes difficult in real life. I don't take the flirting seriously on my end and I hope that everyone understands that since jj and I both go in chat. Yet, I do care for the people I talk to in chat and do take family or personal issues seriously. This is separate from the flirting aspect of chat because it is not a game as the flirting is.
However, people are different and some people get lost in the chat flirt and can blur lines as was mentioned by others who have responded. As with any relationship, meaning people who are together often, honest communication is the key to success.

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analog

Everyone likes to be liked. Flirting is just another way of feeling like someone likes you, even though you know for a fact that it's meaningless, "just for fun" flirting. People just want to feel that attention, no matter how false it may be.

I think it's easier to "get serious" because you don't have the same hang-ups. Many people get very nervous and go quiet when in person, and just don't have the confidence that they do in an environment where they're not face-to-face.

As others have said, it's all about being open, and knowing where the lines are. As long as you understand that it's not real, you can flirt to your heart's content. For example, I am a pretty good flirt (though I think it's just cute, cheeky flirtation, not the type that would earn me the title of chat lothario or anything), and many of you know that. I don't, however, have any intentions with anyone other than hanging out and having fun. I can sit in laps, give massages, talk a little dirty, whatever. Just normal, flirty stuff. I flirt, in real life, with girls I know well, and who have boyfriends. In front of the boyfriends. They know it's innocent and harmless, that it means absolutely nothing, and it's just fun (and funny) all around. As long as the lines are established (or inherently known) and kept by both people, it's all good.

And now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to go grab some ass in chat. See you there.

pig

All I can say is y'all are so hot right now

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settie

1) I would say it is harder to "get serious." I am most comfortable talking to a person face to face, not on the net or the phone. So I personally never find net chatting serious talk.
2) Of course it is! The easiest way to get on a good side of an egomaniac, is to flirt. I find it pretty pointless to flirt on the net however, for the same reason as my answer above.
3) Flirtation does nothing but annoy me. I hate when people suck up to others, flirt, and the like. People always tell me to loosen up, but its a pet peeve, so I doubt it'll go away.

Elphaba

I have had only two chat experiences, one at this forum and one other and my interest was primarily in Mal's trivia games. I feel uncomfortable in chat because it usually means dropping into the middle of a conversation and intruding myself. Flirting would be the last thing on my mind.

My first attempts at internet flirtation have been at Moe's, and only then because it seemed to be part of the theme for that forum. I flirt outrageously there, not for an ego boost, but for the sense of inclusion. I've never felt I had to qualify that this is just fun for me because who would take someone 20-30 years older than themself seriously? Occasionally, I get invited to join in a sexually themed tableaux by Tec but I keep my participation in those to that of a "stage hand." Quite honestly, I wouldn't know the first thing about anything more than the harmless flirt.

World's King

Hey tec... wanna make out?

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Seeker

I'm not very good with flirting online or in real life. The only time I am comfortable flirting is when I know someone really well, and I feel secure enough to know it's not going to cause any problems for myself, the other involved, or to any extensions of the people involved.

Tec, to answer your points;

1) "Getting serious", if I flirt with someone there would have to be some "serious" feelings to begin with, otherwise I can't see the point of flirting at all... it would be empty and meaningless...

2) I suppose it could be an easy Ego Boost... but I can't see how something that is not really meant, can be genuine, and therefore satisfying?

3) With the lack of any kind of relationship (be it friendship or reciprocated lust or whatever...) empty flirtation does nothing for me... I can't see the point, not even for entertainment value... I can't get the whole doing something or saying something that you don't really mean or feel.

(maybe I have this all wrong, maybe I'm just too damn serious all the time *shrugs*)

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Elphaba

Does that mean we will never dance together or play pool at Moe's again?

Seeker

Hahaha! Did you think I was flirting?

Nah Elph... it just means I really did enjoy our dancing and pool games

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kramus

Oh baby, you done gone broke my heart

heh

I am learning a lot here in TFP - I was in a family/home/work routine for many years and TFP has been a wonderful way to hear many different voices from many different places that just didn't exist in my circumscribed life. The questions, the input, the minds and the spirits that I have listened to, responded to, and created my own sense of, are so expanding I really have no way to express the vitality they have added to a stagnant and reclusive condition.

That said, when I have the opportunity I always enjoy a good flirt. Same as a good dancer, a good flirt is a pleasant buzz which when you walk away you may be smiling, but you will not be obsessing.

Is it easier to get serious due to the lack of expression? I find the lack of eye contact and little visual cues a block. Add to that my tendency to dismiss any possible interest a member of the opposite sex actually expresses as just another instance of flirtation. I really don't see myself getting overly caught up in online flirtation. On the other hand, an extended interchange involving a combination of flirtation and genuine conversation is a slippery slope. That is when the cold fact that internet life is a new way of interaction needs to be held in the forefront of the mind. Because without the interpersonal cues that indicate where the boundaries are, a beautiful story can be created that is just that - a story. This too is part of the learning experience of TFP, and is invaluable for this fellow who is venturing beyond a relationship that was set back in highschool, 30 plus years ago. I enjoy the package interaction immensely. I am also aware that any cost to myself if things go sour will be magnified 10-fold in the real world if dialogue is not kept open.

Is flirtation an easy ego boost? Hell yah. Spun candy and lots of cake are fun too, but don't think you will get anything beyond a spotty complexion and a sick feeling in your gut if you try to sustain yourself on it

What does flirtation do for me? I love women. I enjoy interacting with them in many ways. And flirtation is a bit like holding a happy cat - making it purr makes me feel good, and I am good at making cats purr. Now, being allergic to cats means I am aware that any more contact than that would make my eyes leak and my nose all snuffly. So I keep in mind that flirtation will be part of whatever SO relationship I eventually will find myself in, and in that case the allergy pills will be coming out while I develop my immune system. The pussy will then get the whole 9 yards. Or whatever unit of measure I deem more applicable.

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maleficent

Clearly my response came out wrong then...
Sorry

/me gently picks up the pieces of Kramie's heart, carefully glues all the pieces back togther and places it gently back into his chest... watching it beat for a few moments before walking quietly away making a note to work on her communication skills

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SiN

interesting thread.

1. sort of. I suspect I'd start giggling uncontrollably if i was face-to-face sometimes.
2. sure. nuthin wrong with that.
3. um .. makes me happy to make people I like enough to care about happy, and to give said people ego boosts ... sometimes it can make me hot and bothered ... sometimes it reminds me that I need real life sex.

One thing, that I think is important .. I usually only flirt with people I'd flirt with irl. in other words, either I've seen a pic, or else the person is so damn cool that I don't really care, it's just a way to share some good warm fuzzies and such ..

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maleficent

Said perfectly -- and I totally agree

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Bill O'Rights

So...um...mal....
I'm getting some mixed signals here. Can I still flirt with you...or not?

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ruggerp11

I think very much that its easier to get to know someone over the internet. I believe that you are more likely to share more intimate things about yourself sooner than you would be in person. You don't have that fear of immediate reaction in the manner of facial expressions. I also believe that because of this, talking on the net is more flirt as a general rule.

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Suave

It's fun, and it's nice to flatter and be flattered. Not much more than that.

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Val_1

Mainly an ego boost for me. Especially because it's never gone beyond flirtation, though there's nothing keeping in from doing so. But, ... yeah.

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Sultana

To start, I mainly (OK, only) chat in the tpf site. I did some MSN, but I have only 3 MSN friends, and they're not always good conversationalists, heh.

1) Can't say as I've been accused of broaching serious topics in chat. I think it may be easier to speak on my mind regarding the current chat topics, though. Being possibly ignored/overlooked is less painful in a chat environment.

2) Don't say "just", lol! :P I actually greatly enjoy working on boosting the egos of worthy others. And yes, I appreciate the attentions and witty reparteé of others.

3) What does it do for me? Well, it can brighten my day, for sure.

It's important to remember that largely, chat flirtation is superficial, so don't take it as more than that. However, I've made lots of friends, good friends in "real physical life" that started via the computer (gaming, mostly). I look at it as a way to see if there's a real meeting of the minds, as it were.

I know that I could get tons of attention going into nearly any internet chatroom, letting folks know (or just telling them, lol) I'm female, and maybe posting a few select photos. But unless I appreciate the intellect and wit and thought processes behind the flirtation...what's the point? That's what I enjoy about TFP and related chat, that the intellect preceeds/backs up the fluff.
In brief: I relish witty reparteé, subtlety, dry wit, manners, charm, unabashed sexuality, and a well-developed vocabulary (in flirtation and in other types of communication) so much more than a, "LOL< OMG, my abs makez Bradd pit looks the SuXoRs!11!!!"

Although if Tec said that I'd laugh my ass off.

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amonkie

Only thing I'd add would be friendship can grow from the internet flirtation if used as a common ground. I've had some conversations and have started building relationships with quite a few people here on tfp that started out because everybody was just being flirty as a way to relax and get to know each other... and it grew from there.

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snowy

Myself as well. Most of the deeper friendships I've developed on this board have come about because of initial flirtation. I've no problem with that. Yes, it's easier to do, yes, it can be an ego-stroking affair, but generally, it's a safe starting point for all involved.

You all give me warm fuzzies.

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777

Chat is a good way to practise my humor and one liners for flirting irl If things get serious, or I make a few friends along the way, then so much the better.

And I do enjoy seeing lol, rotfl, lmao, and my personal favorite, OMG.

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pig

Hold on, I just saw this...are you talking about THE "warm fuzzies"...as is the warm fuzzies and the cold pricklies? I am feeling about twelve years old watching "be nice to people" movies in school. Awesome.

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bad jane

i'd agree with most of what has been said here.

1) yes and no. i think it is often easier for people to open up and discuss intimate (not just sexual but very private) topics that in real life would require a much longer time frame to reach the appropriate comfort level. so in that sense, it's easier. on the other hand, the lack of visual and audio cues (to determine emotion) also make it much more difficult. i've seen more than one harmless online flirtation turn into something more for one and not the other--in itself not the worst thing, happens all the time irl. but when one person is trying to explain they feel more and the other is laughing and going along with it as if it was a continuation of the game....well, that's when it gets bad.

2) pretty much. but it's also fun. i am shameless when it comes to flirting with a married friend of mine. i just love the boy to death and we've been friends for years--i also love his wife just as dearly. not only do i flirt with him in front of her, she's been known to encourage me lol

3) with a friend , it makes me feel close to them and loved. it's much the same as sharing an inside joke--just a fun interaction that gives us all a good giggle. with my partner, similar but much stronger and definitely more intimate. it's like pillow-talk in public and can be very sexy. with someone i don't know well, it's a way of testing the waters. i can flirt and be funny and based on their response, can get a good idea how they would fit into my life. if they are unresponsive, then they aren't likely to be someone i want to hang out with (we may talk, but they wouldn't be someone i'd sit and talk with just for the sake of spending time with them). if they respond in kind, then i tend to spend more time with them and often start introducing them to other friends--seeing if they fit in our circle.