little_tippler

It's such a PC world nowadays that sometimes it's like everybody is wonderful and perfect. Coming from another thread on women and weight issues, what do you do when it's the other way round? Ok, all the men now say oh we don't care so much if our girls are a little soft round the edges, they always look good to us yadda yadda. That's not always the case. So let's be realistic.

If your SO, who you love to bits, and who loves you too, suddenly tells you that you are sometimes unattractive to him because you've got a slight belly and aren't as toned as you could be? And what if you (in my case I'm a girl) actually think you're not unattractive at all, and ok you could tone up a little but it's really not that bad? What do you do then? How do you feel?

Ok, you can put it down to the guy being a bit immature about this, but he says he's just being honest, and if you're in your 20's, why wouldn't you want to look your best, before you grow older and saggier and less firm? Seize the moment sort of thing. You can talk to him and tell him off for being blunt and "too truthful" with you. But that doesn't solve the problem.

So supposing that I don't want to break up over something like this, because ok we can all start shouting about our rights and respect and all that but a real relationship is made of compromise. If you had invested as long and as hard into something like I have done, how would you react?

And yes this is my situation right now, as you have guessed. I'm just a little confused and don't know how to feel, but I know I don't want to leave and I know I can do something to change the situation (and am doing right now), but how do you forgive or overcome someone you love telling you this? How do you return to "normalcy"?

That's what I meant about being so PC...the world isn't all rosy coloured all the time...let's be honest.

Let me know what you think.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

Xazy

The answer is the person to say stuff like that is crude. There are other ways about getting people to work out. Including what my wife does, which is she works out and makes me go (well asks politely all the time til I agree). It is about the style on how to pose.

If you love someone you realize and accepts their faults, it is about compromise. So if I was married someone that blunt, I would love that fact, and would have to accept it.

But realize working out is potentially just more time where you 2 can spend together. It does not have to be a chore (well honestly i am bad about excersizing, and feel it is), but my wife has informed me it isn't so I will stick with that comment!

guthmund

See..this I don't understand. Love shouldn't be conditional. Gosh, honey, I promise to love you to bits...as long as you're not bald. I promise to love you to bits....as long as you're skinny.

And even if you do manage to stay aesthetically pleasing to him, what about the things you can't control? What if you had cancer and lost all your hair, would he still love you to bits? Lost an eye? Lost an arm? Confined to a wheelchair? Would he still love you to bits, or would you be 'sometimes unattractive?'

Beauty is fleeting; love isn't. One has to wonder that if one's 'love' is dependent on something as unstable and ever changing as physical appearance, if one is really in 'love' at all?

What problem? You said yourself, "And what if you (in my case I'm a girl) actually think you're not unattractive at all, and ok you could tone up a little but it's really not that bad?"

Seems to me that if you're happy with the way you look then the rest be damned. If you want to lose the pudge, then by all means lose the pudge. Don't do it because someone shamed you into doing it. Don't do it because your boyfriend was "just being honest," which, by the way, is the sorriest fucking excuse for making asshole remarks I've ever come across.

"God, you're fat and I'm slightly disgusted. Hey, just being honest, babe."

This is normalcy? Relationships are about compromise, no doubt about it, but shouldn't he be happy that your happy with the way you look. If he were genuinely concerned for your health and suggested that you lose weight or stop smoking because he was afraid death might come knocking, then that's one thing. That's not the case here, but I thought I should mention...

__________________
No signature. None. Seriously.

Jinn

Whoa there.. he didn't say "God you're fat and I don't love you" as the replies seem to be conveying thus far... he said he wasn't as attracted to her because she had a slight belly. That's not about falling out of love with her because she's not as "pretty" as he wishes, thats about telling her his attraction preferences. That's the honesty that I think a relationship SHOULD have. I think the person attaching weight to love is the reciever, not the deliverer.

Being sensitive about your weight and being irrational seem to come hand in hand. If he said that he wasn't as attracted to you becuase your hair was longer, would you really be offended? To me, its a security issue.. and weight seems to be an issue that most women are insecure about, due to our stupid culture telling you that you must be a size 0.

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Martel

Tell him that the way he said what he told you hurt your feelings. It sounds to me (since you're saying you both love each other to bits and get along greatly) that he'd probably be really apologetic and confess to having tried to think about the best way to put it and that he didn't think he did a very good job of saying it either.

Guys don't know how to approach women about weight issues, we've had it banged into our heads since we were three that if we so much as mention the word weight in a conversation with a woman (even if she's 125 pounds) that she's going to freak out and yell at us for being horrible awful insensitive pigs.

Let him know that he can tell you things without being afraid of your reaction, and if he needs it, coach him on the wonders of TACT.

__________________
Anamnesis

Sage

Hrm....

On the one hand, if Martel came to me and said "I love you, I love having sex with you, I find you amazingly attractive, but I've noticed lately that you're not exercising as much and I know that you told me that you want to, so can I help you regain your momentum?" that would be one thing. But, if one day, Martel and I were on the couch and he said "Gee, Sage, gettin' a bit pudgy around the edges, aren't we?" I'd probably bitch-slap him. So, it's all in the context. If your BF was just being totally honest, be totally honest back- you like the way you look and don't think there's anything wrong with it. If he still insists that you're "unattractive" until you get thin, I say really think about where your priorities lie.

I spent a year of my life with a loser who thought (honestly, and still does from what I've heard) that the only way a woman was beautiful was if she looked like a porn star. If you can't resolve your BF's attitude that you're only beautiful if you look like what he wants you to look like, drop him like a rock.

__________________

Ustwo

When it comes to weight I'm pretty shallow. I like my women to be thin, call it a fetish, but fat is a major turn off to me. A couple of years ago my wife started to pack it on, to the point where I found her to be less attractive. I didn't stop loving her, but I wasn't happy about it either. And I did the wrong thing of course, I nagged her about it because her dieting attempts were half-hearted at best. While the nagging let me blow of steam it didn't do anything to help out.

So instead of approaching it from a possitive angle, I approached it from the negative angle, and it made her less willing to diet.

Now fast forward 2 years, and a baby later. She works out 5 days a week or so, and has lost a lot of weight, shes not perfect but shes getting there. She got to the point she was able to rag on me for being fat and I've now joined her in the work outs and weight loss.

The point to this rambling tale is that you need to want to lose weight for your own reasons. Doing it just for him won't be enough in the long run, you have to want to do it for yourself. If you are happy where you are at you should tell him so. If you want to lose the extra pounds, it should come from a desire within yourself.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

noodle

Wow, deja vu. My ex pulled that with me. Twice. I was really over weight before I met him due to a medical issue. By the time I met him, I'd dropped 45 lbs, but still had plenty to lose. He left after eight months and only later admitted that it was because he was affected by my weight and wanted to see if he could have a relationship with an overweight person.

Fast forward five months and I'd dropped another 45 and four sizes at the gym. We tried again, but I still "just don't do it for [him] that way". I have some issues with the leftovers from all that weight gain/loss, but everyone tells me I look great. I love being thinner and am mostly confindent in my skin, but it tears me up that he was that shallow. And has the nerve to admit it. So the "love" that I thought we had couldn't never have been true if he couldn't have seen past that. The funny thing is... after he left, he gained most of what I lost. But he was never any less sexy to me. I love my man with a little extra meat. And one who'll hit the gym, bike path, and a good restaurant with me.

We're friends now, but I'll never get past that issue with him. Even though he encourages me to better myself, it's almost hypocritical. My (slightly larger than I'd like) gut just keeps saying that if a guy can't get past your weight, then is it really all that? I whole-heartedly support women being happy with their weight. I just wasn't with mine. And it's sad and frustrating when someone even slightly hints about weiht in an unconstructive manner. Those little comments end up sounding snide. Instead, join a gym together, buy mountain bikes, whatever... just avoid making those little hints about losing weight in an excessive manner.

__________________

Willravel

I exercise and eat well because it has many benifits, including keeeping the eye of your SO. I'd be sad if my wife were to stop exercising and eating right, so I keep exercising and eating right. If, hypothetically, I were to stop working out or dieting, I'd want my wife to call me on it. One of my goals is to stay sexy for my wife until the day I die. Part of maintaining that goal is my gut being a distant memory.

It was rude of your SO to be so blunt in the delivery of his thoughts. It came off very selfish. Was he wrong to say something? I don't know. He was, after all, honest at the core of his statement. Instead of saying something like, "Do you want to go on a jog?" he said "you're getting heavy". If you put on a few pounds, it's possible he was just worried about you. You can tell him he had a good message to tell you but delivered it in an absolutely terrible way.

tehhappyboy

Odd, as a guy, the only inspiration I have to exercise is to look good for a potential woman, because as much as they say appearance doesnt matter as much to women, they lie. Women can be just as shallow and horny as men. At least the one's i'm attracted to at this point in my life (never said they were good for me).

__________________
I'm a happy boy, happy boy,
way to get when things are going your way. Hey Hey.

...Pretty sure I asked for Pecan Sandies...

uptown

It's one thing to encourage your spouse to eat healthy/exercise particularly if you lead by example and join them.

Let me tell you from my own experience though,once a man starts tactlessly critizing specific body parts/facial features it's all over but the crying because it doesn't usually stop.The worst part of this is if you knock yourself out to alter the part that they say they find is unattractive a few months down the road they often say they want the exact opposite ie: he thought your belly pudgy,you lose weight and get a 6 pack then he decides Aria Giovanni is the last word in feminine beauty and suddenly you're too skinny and lacking in curves.

Have it out with him,make it clear you're having trouble with his lack of tact and you're wondering where this is coming from, have you gained weight or are you perhaps being compared to his eye candy flavor of the moment and being found lacking ? Have there been any unusual stressors in his life lately ? Other issues within the relationship ? You need to talk it out.

keep a careful eye on this because over time having a guy be that tactless and figure fault specific will eat your self-confidence and leave your sexuality in shreds.
I'm betting even now when you're in bed with him, your thoughts are zeroed in on your stomach and wondering if he's thinking how unattractive it is.

twinkle

Little comments like that are often the beginning of controlling behaviour. First, it's your belly. Then, your thighs. Then, maybe you have a tiny bit of cellulite. Maybe he'll dislike a piece of clothes, then your taste in books. Then maybe it gets a harder edge, and a few insults get jokingly thrown in there. Then maybe they're not so joking anymore. By that point, you feel like shit and believe every word he says.

I'm not saying that's how it is, I'm just saying it's a POSSIBLE marker for future shit behaviour on his part. Don't let him erode your self esteem.

My bottom line opinion: I think it's shallow and sad that he'd complain about your stomach. Is he in love with you, or your belly? Yeesh.

astrahl

I think twinkle should be promoted from Rookie for this commentary. I can't think of a more succinct way to put it than that.

__________________
Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

Zeraph

If you want to drop the PC crap then I'd say love is a very rare thing, and odds are you two don't have it. People think theyre in love all the time it seems, yet we have so many divorces and break ups. Seems we feel we have to love or pretend to or we don't love ourselves. Another problem I think is that english just isn't very good for describing likes and loves. We have too few words for it. For whatever reason when people say "love" we almost always assume its unconditional, but that is so rare in life.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you how you two feel about each other, just saying statistics wise and in general.

waltert

if he works out to maintain his physique, then you ought to join him, but if he doesnt work out, and he isnt the chiseled hunk you want him to be, tell him that you two should work out together.

my girlfriend seems to have more of a belly than she used to, but I've also softened up a bit in the 2 years, and I know I need work. therefore, i dont feel like I have the right to say that she needs to get her belly back into shape.

unfortunately our schedules do not permit time for working out together, but I would absolutely love to be able to go to the gym, etc with her.

astrahl

Does the guy pass gas in front of you? Belch? Scratch his crotch? Does that make you love him less? If you answered "no," you should probably be a little peeved at his insensitivity and tell him about it.

__________________
Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

Ustwo

Talking about weight always brings up the 'You never criticize of womans weight' people who act as if even thinking your SO is unattractive to you because of weight is somehow a crime.

Lets change 'weight' to 'tribal face tattoo'. If you SO wanted a tribal face tattoo should you be supportive and not say anything, even if it makes her/him less attractive to you?

While I am the first to admit I have made mistakes in getting my wife into the diet/exercise lifestyle we now have, there is nothing wrong with letting your SO know that you are not happy in that regard. Communication is key in any marriage and you should be able to tell them your true feelings. When my wife said that I needed to start going to the gym I didn't whine an fuss and think she didn't love me anymore and was trying to control me. I saw she was right and I hit the gym. It gave me the kick in the ass I needed to start going, because I KNEW I needed to start exercising again, I just wasn't motivated enough to do it.

So now we are both looking a ton better, are healthier, and need to buy new clothes since the old clothes are now to baggy to wear. Neither of us would have done this if we didn't communicate our feeling on the issue. If I'm a jerk for it, so be it, I'm a jerk.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

astrahl

Weight, as an issue, isn't the same for men as it is for women. It would be like her commenting on his penis size or something. Women, on average, are VERY sensitive about their weight.

__________________
Maybe it was over when she chucked me out the Rover at full speed.
Maybe Maybe...
~a-Ha

Ustwo

Years ago, my wife asked me if some outfit made her look fat. It did. I told her so. She did the usual, pre-programmed pout/anger women are taught to do by countless sitcoms. I told her only ask me if she wants an honest opinion, and that her friends would never tell her the truth. She realized the error of her ways and now she asks me because she wants to KNOW and knows she can trust me.

Penis size isn't' going to change without surgery, weight is a whole different matter. While some people have an easier time losing weight, its not as if other people defy the laws of nature. If you don't eat it, you won't gain from it, if you burn more than you eat, you will lose. So yes women are sensitive about their weight but so what. It doesn't make it 'off limits' and if you marry a girl who is 130 and she gains 70 lbs I see no problem in pointing it out to her in some fashion. It doesn't mean you need to belittle them, but there is nothing wrong with letting her know you don't like it.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

Jinn

I'm so glad you're here to defend that point Ustwo, because I'd feel outnumbered if it weren't for your well-reasoned posts. I don't think there SHOULD be taboo subjects, weight included.

You're probably right. The first time my SO made a comment about my penis size (in a JOKING manner) I got upset. I was hurt -- how dare she make fun of something that I couldn't change. Hell, it hurt a lot. "Was it really a joke?" Kept running through my mind. I told her she shouldn't ever say things like that, and huffed off. And then I realized the ignorance of my ways. If I made her afraid or unwilling to point out my flaws, what kind of person could I be? Someone too afraid of their own flaws to have them pointed out? A strong person isn't effected by this, and a strong person decides whether the comment is worth using to their advantage. Now, penis size might be a bad example because of it's rather unchanging nature, but weight CAN BE LOST. If I got fat.. I would want my SO to tell me; it, like Ustwo so genuinely explained, helps. It would give me the motivation I needed to get to the damn gym. Likewise.. she pointed out that I tended to be a bit overbearing in conversations, and insist on my correctness in the losing side of an argument. I've since become a lot more amiable to "let's agree to disagree" and cast off the horrible argumentation strategy that I learned from my father. If she'd not pointed it out, I could still be the stubborn person I was months ago. If I say it once I'll say it a hundred times: HONESTY and COMMUNICATION. Why would you purposely strike fear into the heart of your SO if they dared to express honest communication about their preferences or their feelings towards you? Is that really a relationship, or is that someone there to pad your ego?

__________________
"I'm typing on a computer of science, which is being sent by science wires to a little science server where you can access it. I'm not typing on a computer of philosophy or religion or whatever other thing you think can be used to understand the universe because they're a poor substitute in the role of understanding the universe which exists independent from ourselves." - Willravel

Charlatan

I think there is a right way and a wrong way to suggest that someone is getting fat.

The wrong way, would be to say, "Honey, boy, you are getting fat."

The right way, " ".


In other words, there is no right way. The key is to know your audience. If you know your wife/SO well enough that they will be able to take some critisim or suggestion, go for it. You should also know if saying something is going to hurt them. It's just part of they give and take that goes into any relationship.

My wife, hates... no HATES her belly. It was once flat and taut. It now bears the stretchmarks of two children. She has lost the tone she once had. Occasionally she wants me to admit that I don't like it either... I see no upside to say, "I wish you had your old stomach"...

If I wanted my wife to have the belly of a 20-year-old I would leave my current wife and marry a woman aged 20 years...

While I can appreciate the asthetics of a taut stomach I also know that I love my wife for more than just the shell that encases her.

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Willravel

Of course there is a right way (in other words, I respectfully disagree, Charlatan). If someone has gained much weight and you think it's unhealthy, you should mention something. As long as the delivery is respectful you do not deserve to be called rude or insensitive. If my wife were to gain much weight, aside from pregnancy of course, I might ask her if she wants me to join her in the gym or on her runs. She'd probably respond, "Oh, I've been missing my runs lately what with work/daughter/etc." Then I have my opportunity to be helpful and get her lean. I can offer to take some of the work load to help her with her schedule. It's just as important to stay healthy by exercising as it is to stay healthy by working for food and housing money.

The 'you're fat' option is not the only option of communicating your worry. I'd say most of the timne you want your SO to trim down, they also want to trim down. Two people with a mutual goal are more likely to succede than one person with that goal.

Charlatan

I can agree willravel... there are ways to prod someone to better choices. The fact remains there really is no way to tell someone they are too fat that isn't going to offend them.

Ultimately, if you know your audience can take the criticism, great. They aren't going to like it (just like any bad news received isn't appreciated) but they might be able to take it.

If that makes sense...

__________________
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke

Willravel

Perfect sense, actually. It does depend on the audience.

I'm glad you and your wife are in a loving relationship, btw. I found that exercising with my wife is a very, very enjoyable experience. I used to hate running and lifting weights, but I look forward to it now. I thoght about it all friday at work, as a matter of fact. When I got home, I found my wife in her sports bra stretching (she's taking time off from full time work for our daughter). We just ran and talked for 2 hours.

If someone wants this as well, you can start the conversation, "I was talking to this guy Will today, and he says that his wife and he love to exercise together." Interject your own grammer, of course, "Maybe we can try it some time..." It may work, and it may not, but I think it's worth a shot.

uptown

I think there's a huge diffeence between tactfully suggesting that your partner join you at the gym or in making up a new,healthy eating plan together and in pointing out critisms of specific body parts.Comments like "your belly's starting to look a little slack there" can rapidly degenerate to "you'd be perfect if your breasts were just an inch or so bigger" "have you ever thought of getting something done under your eyes and getting that saggy skin on your stomach fixed?"

General health and tone is good and of course nobody wants their partner's weight to balloon out of control but in my experience body part specific critism does nothing to foster improved communication between a couple and pretty much slams the door on uninhibited physical intimacy.

"Come take a kick boxing class wih me,it'll be fun to do together is a lot better than" "your belly's getting too chunky for me to be turned on by you" unless of course you feel that shame based motivators work in the long run.

JoseFlanders

Genuine love, and being increasingly familiar and comfortable with each other lessens the problems that we might otherwise have with appearances.

little_tippler

thanks for all the comments guys...I was worried at first as everyone seemed intent on striking my guy down...to some extent he deserves it, but in other ways he doesn't.

I think making assumptions on what love is or is supposed to be is BS. I think you have to take it as it comes. If like me, you've been with someone for 3 years, really feel for them like you have never done for anyone, live together and have future plans, as well as getting on great in general, then you'd definitely try and put thing in perspective before just doing the rash and perhaps easy thing and giving up.

I also think communication is key and if there's stuff you can't talk about then maybe you should be doing something to change that. It sucked to hear that he sometimes was put off by my belly, but the truth is I used to be a skinny little thing ,but then due to an illness where I had to take cortizone (which made me fat for a while - and he stuck with me then), I gained some weight and some of it never came off. I don't like the present state of my body, even though by general standards I'm pretty slim and have a good body.

I already told him I thought he was shallow about it and exactly how I felt about it and that I don't know if I could get over that, but he's got a great bod and is a young red-blooded male and it's only natural to some extent. Maybe he's a little immature...but I took him as he is and I'm not backing down now.

At the time he told me, we were arguing over something petty and he blurted it out. He later said he didn't mean to be so crude but it came out as he was angry - he hadn't said anything before because he didn't know how to say it without sounding like an asshole.

It's all too easy nowadays to throw people aside because you're so self-important that if someone wounds your ego then they're not good for you anymore. But sometimes it's not all about you. Sometimes it has to be about the us and I prefer to have total honesty (or semi-total) than pretend that everyone has to be perfect to live up to my standards.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

uptown

If you had to take oral steroids you most likely had a medical problem that curtailed or severely limitede your options for exercise. I've been there and it isn't fun.You didn't gain weight because you got piggish at the fridge or let yourself go on purpose.

What happens the next time you have a medical problem that causes an alteration in your appearance? When he gets "pissed off" about something else you're arguing about will your physical flaws again be fair game ?

I wouldn't worry about getting "total honesty" from this guy it sounds like he's got no problem letting you know you aren't perfect.The big question is, how will you feel down the road if you have a kid with him and your stomach comes out of it scarred and marked? God forbid what if you end up with a c-section,how will you feel when you're getting stuff thrown in your face that you couldn't prevent or can't easily remedy ?

uptown

Jose,

I'd say if you're beginning a relationship thinking things like "oh, he/she is attractive, but I want their chest to be bigger, legs a little thinner/longer" then perhaps you be really checking out your motives for dating this person. Are you truly interested or just horny and/or tired of being alone and thinking the person will due "for right now" Honesty is important and it has to start with self-honesty.If a specific physical appearance is really important to you that's cool but commiting to a relationship with somebody like they're a fixer upper old house that doesn't quite met your needs/desires is a situation that's bound to cause hurt on both sides.

Ustwo

Sounds like someone has a cross to bear here. If saying something stupid about your SO's appearance were as horrible as you seem to think it is, my guess is there would be very few people out there with SO's. My wife got semi-fat for a while, lost much of it, got pregnant and now is trying to get back into shape (and is just about there). There were times when I pointed it out to her, and sometimes in a not-nice way if she were eating things she knew she shouldn’t. Guess what, we are still quite happy together and will have been together 15 years in exactly one month.

Part of a successful long term relationship is having a thick skin at times. Your SO just may say something hurtful, stupid, shallow, mean, etc, and rather than flying off half-cocked and extrapolating it to worst case scenarios try to gain a sense of perspective and decide if its worth ending a relationship over something petty.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

uptown

My point is that if the OP's b/friend is throwing hurtful remarks about her body at her during an argument that's totally unrelated to issues of eating,exercise,weight that it's a warning sign she shouldn't ignore.


Congrats on your marriage and I do hope that should you grow a pot belly, lose your hair,teeth or ability to get an erection that your wife can remember how your comments about her post partum body made her feel and refrain from repaying you in the same coin.

Ustwo

Obviously you have been hurt in the past by someone, but don't impose your trauma on the OP who seems to have a pretty good head on her shoulders and has handled this quite well.

As for your wish, my belly is the best it has been in 7 years, my hair IS falling out but luckily for me bald is in, I'm a dentist so my teeth are covered, and so far my problem with erections is having them too often (see my thread in this board). As for my poor wifes post partem body, she needed a nudge to get back to being in shape and shes now the best she has been since about 2000. Its amazing what watching what you eat and working out can do in just a couple months.

For anyone not happy with their weight/body I do hope they find the will power in themselves to change what is infinitely changeable.

__________________
Agents of the enemies who hold office in our own government, who attempt to eliminate our "freedoms" and our "right to know" are posting among us, I fear.....on this very forum. - host

Obama - Know a Man by the friends he keeps.

uptown

I wouldn't make tactless,hurtful remarks to a casual friends,co-worker concerning the size/shape of their body parts, so I'd never dream of doing so to someone I've purported to love.

Obviously anybody in their right mind would be concerned if a spouse was rapidly becoming obese and/or showed other signs of self-neglect but one would hope this stemmed from real love/concern for their partner.Heck, at that point I'd be more worried about whatever my SO might be suffering/struggling with internally than any superfical concern of mine.

We might need a "thick skin" to tolerate the crude,rude thoughtless remarks made by outsiders but not in our own homes and not from people who supposedly love us.
With lovers like that who needs enemies?

As far as men go, I keep myself trim,exercise regularly and do the best I can with what with what I've got.If a man decides at any point that he's disatisfied with that
and he's entitled to make nasty comments he's more than welcome to take his "nudges" and ease on down the road

little_tippler

ummm...sorry to point this out but I believe you, uptown, were the person who made a thread about how you thought old people (because they were no longer attractive - in your opinion), shouldn't have sex....

I just think it's weird how you're so defensive about this and yet you think it's ok when people are older?! Someone explain this to me.

Here is that thread.

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthr...=1#post1686310

It's ok to have certain standards in a relationship but you can't be totally intransigent and hope everything will be like the movies all the time. I believe the best relationships have to be worked at and are the product not of an idyllic existence but rather of a shared experience of compassion, empathy, trust, caring, love and passion.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918