xjumper84

We've been friends for a year and lately i've been having a ton of feelings for her. We went to S.D. slept together for a few nights did some things in bed that she claims is her just letting herself be herself, could have sworn it was alot more. Anyways, getting to my point. She just wants to be friends, more like best friends nothing more. But i keep thinking about our trip to S.D. and how she acts when she is around me. I've asked her about it and I get the same answer.

So here is my question, how do I get her out of my head so that I can move on with my life and stop thinking so much about her?

doodlebird

nothing will get her out of your head like another woman. start hangin with some others and see where that goes for you.

i also am in the position where my exSO just wants to be friends. i'm struggling with how not to hate her. consider yourself lucky that you're still fond of one another. it's nicer that way. but maybe not esaier to move on. good luck.

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Jinn

Can't be friends with someone like that -- its never worked for me, at least.

It seems to me an ultimatum is in order: "I love you too much to be 'just friends.' If you say you don't want anything more, than I'm afraid I can't be your friend either."

If she refuses, then the burden is put on her, not you.

I've never found being "just a friend" to be successful. You'll take the slightest movement as "She's changed her mind!" and come right back...

I had a girl do this to me for almost a year.............. IT IS NOT WORTH IT.

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xjumper84

Our relationship is kinda wierd.. its like two best friends who bounce off each other... she tells me her guy problems and i tell her my women problems.. and lately.. its been all her... and i don't want to kill a friendship but i just want to get her out of my head.. its driving me nuts..

but yes... i do see how finding another woman in my life would help, preferably not any of her friends i would assume?

cellophanedeity

One of my closest friends pulled the ultimatum on his friend (not me!) a couple of months back. He says it was one of the hardest things he's ever done, but he also says he's better for it.

Best of luck jumper.

xjumper84

I feel like the ultimatum would be a good idea.. but its all on me. and i don't want to lose her as a friend. Shes told me a few times over that she just wants to be friends.. and i've somehow got it in my head that we should be more.

thesupermikey

ive been in the same boat man...i feel for you. Lay it on the line and put the ball in her court. At that point you will know wheather she realy wants to be friends or is trying to be nice.

I know i sound a bit negitive but being a slave to your feelings for you can shut you down. Thats not good.

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Hash_Browns

First of all, it wasn't just you in that room that put those thoughts in your head, she was there too. But she has come to terms with it, and you haven't. What you could do is take that night and change it in your mind. find another female, make it her face you see and put all the love into it. I know it sounds corny, but it's a distraction. This probibly won't work either tho...your best bet is to tell her flat out how you feel and if she can't handle it, then it really is her problem and it gives you the chance to move on. From the sounds of it tho, you've been down that road also, and she's stated her position so I don't know what more to say except good luck...

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xjumper84

So then what for instance would i say?


edit// i'm a total noob to all of this. i didn't have much of a social life in high school.. and now going into my junior year of college i've had to learn so much relationship wise over the past 2 years. while maintaining a very popular appearence at my college (funny how that worked out)

xjumper84

this is what i've been trying to do.. but its soo damn difficult

alright.. this popped into my head while i was getting ready for bed... should i go to her and ask her for help in getting her out of my head? or would that just defeat it and make me want to be 'with' her more?

Ustwo

I've never heard of a 'just friends' thing working out right.

I don't think the ultimatum would work unless you just want closure.

For whatever reason shes not interested in you right now, and really the only cure is time or another woman. Most likely both.

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MiSo

best thing to do would be to find another girl.
actually, it would be much easier than an ultimatum imo.

ketamine

This has happened to me. I've decided in my case that the reason I didn't want to lose her as a friend was because I wanted to stay close to her -- ie, keep the hope alive that we might end up being more than friends. It never happened it just screwed with my mind. And from what I've heard of other people's experience, it never happened for them either.

I second the ultimatum idea: tell her how you feel, and if she doesn't want to be more than friends, cut her loose and find someone who does.

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frought

Personally I've never had the 'just friends' thing work out with anyone I've actually been with. It does seem to have worked well for my current partner and her ex, but theirs was a mutual decision to break up, so I guess that's a little different.

When I've been 'just friends' with somebody I'm romantically interested in and there's no prospect of it developing further, I've tended to invest all my emotional energy in that person regardless, which is quite unhelpful for finding more satisfying relationships!

In recent years I've adopted an approach where I essentially say "you're great, yes I enjoy spending time with you and I'd love to continue to have a relationship with you, but I've got enough friends as it is, if that's all you want to be." Not sure what others think about that, but for me it's been that simple.

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World's King

The best way to get someone out of your head is to fuck them out.

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boredom

That actualy works, you can always drown all your emotions into a long string of sex with random people. Alcohol also works when your trying to drown things out.

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pinkie

Replace her with someone else.

superredhead

the 'best friends' ONLY thing with the opposite sex doesnt really work because youve found someone that you can confide in, trust, and feel completely compatible with. didn't work for me and my current SO (best friends now dating). i think the ultimatum is a good idea. either she lets you know how its really going to be or you move on and find someone that can appreciate you romantically as well as be your friend/partner. good luck with it

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tiltedbc

You need to cut her out of your life. PERIOD. It doesn't take another girl or anything else. Just a decision. It isn't going anywhere. CUT her out of your life and that means NO communication whatsoever. If you pressure her, she may "settle" for you and that's even worse in the longterm.

Your big problem is you don't know what to do. You're uneducated like most of us.

Despite the awful title, an excellent book on this subject is "Without Embarrassment: The Social Coward's Totally Fearless Seduction System" by Michael Pilinski. It's got some great stuff about how to get over the "nice guy" blues, which is what you're going through. Search around online for the ebook or buy the hardcopy.

abaya

At least someone's being honest here. Listen to ketamine and do some serious introspection.

There is never a true "I don't want to lose our friendship;" rather, it boils down to "I don't want to lose the emotional bond we have, since it's the closest thing to a relationship that I have with this person and I'll settle for that." That is pathetic, and I can only say it because I did that for 2.5 years, trying to be the "nice girl." Didn't work, wasted my time and energy on someone who was never really into me the way was I into him. I should have looked for someone who could truly reciprocate... I encourage you to do the same.

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guthmund

Amen.

I hate to be pithy, but if it ain't happened yet chances are it ain't going to happen. Life doesn't seem to be written like that.

Hanging around a gal on the hope that one day you might fool around again is...well, it isn't good. If you want to be friends with this girl that's fine. Do that. Otherwise, tell her like it is and like TOK said "fuck them out."

There must be something you got that's attracting otherwise the girl wouldn't have fooled around on you in the first place. Find out what that something is and go have yourself a nice long string of filthy anonymous (safe, right???) sex. That way when you do find someone new to dote on, the first girls' memory won't be around to taint it.

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xjumper84

hm.. so i told her that i needed to take a break for a few days from her.. so she said she would back off.. then said in a rushed somewhat heated statement... "fine! nite nick" and signed off...

so basically i view this as a win for me.. but at the same time i'm looking at the friendship as a uh.. do i attempt to revive it or let it die?

Ustwo

There is nothing wrong from telling her how you feel, just don't expect it to work.

Hell tell her you are really falling for her and its hard to just be friends. I think the battle is already lost BUT no need to surrender. Maybe it will work out. If it doesn't, go find another women and that will cure your ills a lot faster than brooding on her, trust me, most of us have been there.

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