past relationships:the backlash...your opinions please - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 06:58 PM

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maleficent · 05-02-2005, 07:10 PM

If you are comfortable with your number, and don't have any problems with it, then well, sorry, but it's his problem. How did the conversation come up? Did he ask? If he asked, then he really should not have asked if he wasn't prepared to know what the answer was.

To say he loses respect for you, again, I'm sorry, but that' is that is just wrong and hurtful and not what someone who is "totally in love" says to another person. Your number is part of your past, not your present, and not your future, but your past, he needs to accept it, or move on from it. But to seemingly hold it over your head, is not a good start to a relationship, because it seems he'll always hold that number over your head.

Have you asked him what disturbs him so much about your number -- Is it that you've ben with more people than he has?

abaya · 05-02-2005, 07:19 PM

Yep, it's his problem. Ask him what the problem is, and tell him how it makes you feel when he talks that way. I don't know, to me that would sort of be a deal-breaker. That's not unconditional love.

streak_56 · 05-02-2005, 07:29 PM

The past is the past.... if your bf cannot live with what has happened then he isn't going to be comfortable with you. Theres no reason why he should hold that against you. If he loves you, he'll get over it.

Sage · 05-02-2005, 07:39 PM

What is your attitude towards your ex's? Are you still on semi-friendly terms with them and talk to them when you see them, or do you just wave, or do you ignore them completely? Perhaps if he percieves you as being nice to them, he then has a very hard time getting over the "she's sleeping with me and not with them" issue. Martel still has a hard time when I talk about things in my past. Sit down with your man, and really talk about this and how his attitude is making you feel. Perhaps he'll get better, perhaps not. But you need to communicate to him about it!

Cimarron29414 · 05-02-2005, 07:49 PM

You are a sum of your parts. Your parts include your previous relationships. Those previous relationships prepared you for him. Those previous relationships molded you into the person you are, the person he fell in love with. Personally, I believe he should walk up to those guys, and thank them for helping "make" the perfect woman for him. Does that make sense?

Why don't you ask him what an acceptable number would be? It would be very telling...

Lead543 · 05-02-2005, 07:49 PM

Regardless of what the situation is you should not be made to feel like a whore. The past is in the past and just because you've had more then him as a partner doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't mean you're not lovable and it certainly doesn't mean you're not worthy of respect. Talk to him about it, you're his girlfriend, he should love and respect you no matter what. He's probably not aware how hurtful he's being by saying these things. If he stands by his story then maybe you should look for a guy who loves YOU and is not so fixated and insecure about your past.
Good luck.

ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 07:56 PM

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ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cimarron29414

You are a sum of your parts. Your parts include your previous relationships. Those previous relationships prepared you for him. Those previous relationships molded you into the person you are, the person he fell in love with. Personally, I believe he should walk up to those guys, and thank them for helping "make" the perfect woman for him. Does that make sense?

Why don't you ask him what an acceptable number would be? It would be very telling...

that is awesome, i enjoyed reading that

However, asking him to do any of those suggestions would be like sticking a post-it note on my forehead reading 'add insult here'. he's a pretty crafty dude, and when it comes to completely ignoring the 'real' question at hand and then twisting it into an invitation to stick a knife in my eyeball (theoretically), he is a pro. (ie-whats a good # for you? answer-if you don't know its because you're a person with no morals who will always look for guys to fulfill your needs at the moments and never takes anything seriously rant rant)

yikes!!

chickentribs · 05-02-2005, 08:12 PM

Things to value in a partner - smart, funny, attractive, caring, honest, trustworthy.

If he is basing his "respect" on your past relationships, it is a battle you will never win in his eyes and one not worth even fighting. He is insecure and taking cheap shots at you to feel superior. Tell him to get his priorities straight, because his judging of you is boring and accomplishes nothing. If he thinks a virgin is what he needs, let him go to a convent or find a girl that will lie to him. His loss.

"Fuck a rolling doughnut"

That is just great...

Sounds like he is in love with who he wants you to be - not the funny honest person you are.

ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 08:31 PM

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abaya · 05-02-2005, 08:35 PM

Annie, things don't sound very healthy for you in this relationship. I'd seriously re-evaluate what you have there, and figure out what you really want. Do not move oceans for someone who does not love you unconditionally. That is just allowing yourself to be abused (even if it is verbally/emotionally, which is what it sounds like, that's quite serious).

And I believe it's a flying fuck at a rolling donut....

Biscuit Buns · 05-02-2005, 08:58 PM

Oh, my God, Annie - this is so like my last ex it's not even funny (not that it would be anyway). The issue with the number of guys (nevermind how he freaked out when he found out I'd had some fun with a couple of girls), his insults, his manipulation, his insecurity...everything. We were together for 3 years and now have a child. His lack of respect did nothing but grow and it took me a long time to get over feeling like such a tramp and complete loser. I've slept with about the same number as you and he was insecure because of his ex's. It escalated to the point where I had to leave. Bad situation for me and even worse for my son. It kills me that my son won't have a respectful, loving (biological) father in his life - it's not how I was raised and not how I wanted to raise him. Anyway, it was scary leaving because I felt pretty worthless after all his bullshit, but you know what? Life goes on and you are the one in control of your own happiness.

Get out before you get in too deep. It hurts, but this man will never respect you.

BIG HUGS. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Acetylene · 05-02-2005, 09:02 PM

This is a lot like the other thread going on, "in a relationship", which is about insecurity when your partner finds someone else attractive. I think the issue here is possession. He doesn't feel like you are entirely "his" because other guys can look at you and remember 'boinking' you, as you put it. He also fears you will cheat. (OOC, did you ever cheat? Or did you simply move from partner to partner quickly?)

This kind of insecurity is really hard for you to deal with because he will get defensive. Any suggestion that his insecurity is wrong just makes him feel more insecure. Any change is going to have to come from within himself. Unfortunately, it might take something serious for him to realize he's in the wrong here, being so possessive of you. You may need to flat-out tell him that you are not HIS piece of meat, and this is caveman behavior, and you will not allow him to insult you this way.

Martel · 05-02-2005, 09:23 PM

On the other side of this issue, I know it can be a tough thing for a guy to deal with.

When a guy thinks about "other men who have had sex with my gf/wife/whatever in the past", our brains generally lock up at "other men who have had sex with my gf/wife/whatever" and don't get to the "in the past" part. It can be tough to separate it out. We know that the past is the past, and generally speaking try really hard not to let it bother us. I can't really speak for this particular dude, it sounds like you two have a lot of other things going on too if you're looking for ways to "get" him, thinking that the "backlash will be worth it".

Sit down with him and talk to him and tell him you totally understand what the deal is with it. Tell him how you really feel about him; tell him what you told us, that this issue is starting to piss you off. Tell him it hurts your feelings and your self-esteem for him to rant about you like that. And quite honestly, if he replies that you SHOULD feel bad about it, tell him to take a hike.

ironmaiden7o7 · 05-02-2005, 09:24 PM

Your past is your past and it should be left alone. You didn't know him while you were with these other people and he shouldn't hold any of those actions against you. It's really him that has a problem here, not you. We all do things when we are younger only to move on later and realise that we've made mistakes, whether you have 1 or 10 previous partners, that is really YOUR business and should be left behind, as long as you are with him now and isn't seeing any of these people behind his back, he should learn to accept it and move forward. Try having a talk with him, tell him how you feel and how hurt you are that he is judging you by something that happened before you met him, everyone has a past, and it isn't fair that he can now lose respect for you because of something you did before even knowing him. Good luck with this.

ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 09:25 PM

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ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Martel

On the other side of this issue, I know it can be a tough thing for a guy to deal with.

When a guy thinks about "other men who have had sex with my gf/wife/whatever in the past", our brains generally lock up at "other men who have had sex with my gf/wife/whatever" and don't get to the "in the past" part. It can be tough to separate it out. We know that the past is the past, and generally speaking try really hard not to let it bother us. I can't really speak for this particular dude, it sounds like you two have a lot of other things going on too if you're looking for ways to "get" him, thinking that the "backlash will be worth it".

i meant of course had he started calling me slut, person with no morals, meatwould i use that particular cunning phrase. because i don't believe it is 'getting' him, but sincerely drawing logic up on the debate. im curious to why all the double standards, of course that is a whole other can of worms. if i can respect the fact that he has slept ladies in the past, and most likely in future, then he has an right to ME as a human and a mate to respect me. not because its an obligation, but because he wants to.

ontheroad · 05-02-2005, 09:35 PM

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guthmund · 05-02-2005, 09:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anniegetyergun

...he has only had 3 partners, and his last ex cheated on him a lot, maybe that is the cause of his insecurity.

Well, at least you know what the problem is. It doesn't do much to help the situation though, I'm afraid.

I know for a lot of guys it's all about the comparison. Despite the fact that you've chosen to be with him, all these guys can think about is how well they stack up against ex-boyfriends a.k.a. The Competition. With a small number the odds are pretty good, the larger that number gets the lower the odds and that makes them feel inadequate, which means they have to lash out to raise their self-esteem.

That's not to say that you've slept with a lot of guys. I hope you understand that's not what I meant (Of all the women I know, you're in the average), but for some guys...Well, more than one or two is "a lot."

It's his problem. Nothing you can say or do is ever going to change the way things are as it is certainly his deficiency to deal with. So, I guess it depends on how much you like the fellow what your course of action is. Is it worth putting up with the snide remarks and angry comments just to stay with this guy?

Martel · 05-02-2005, 09:50 PM

if you're okay with his past and he's not okay with your past, it just means you are more emotionally developed than he is on this particular issue.

if you really care about him, try your best to help him through it. try to deflect things when he tries to get confrontational. I'm not saying you should roll over and take it from him when he's being a jerk, but at this point you either need to help him as best you can or tell him to get lost.

Jackebear · 05-02-2005, 11:54 PM

Well, good luck in this relationship. However, if it doesn't work out, remember the lesson you learned here...DO NOT talk numbers when it comes to ex's.

My wife is experienced and so am I. Not porn star experienced but you know what I mean. This is an out of bounds topic and completely irrelevant to our present situation. I think she is smart, independent, funny and gorgeous. I am sure she feels the same about me. Our sex life is incredible and I would never compare her to an ex-girlfriend.

This is one of those topics that a white lie will be necessary. I'm a guy and I don't know why but most guys are not comfortable knowing their girlfiriend is experieced even if they (the guy) slept with many women. I know, I know...it's totally screwed but that's the way it is. Any guy who has to know the number is very insecure and telling him the truth is not going to help. 3 is a good number....if you next guy has to know...use 3. Again, good luck to you.

MEAD · 05-03-2005, 01:28 AM

As long as you care for him more than the other guys you have been with there has to be a way to show that to him, this is where things get fucked up because you can't really use sex as that thing. You have to ask yourself, how valuable is sex to you? And if it is really important and an act of love than you have to tell him that you thought you were in love, or were but it didnt work and if you did sleep with a guy you didnt love it was prob not the best idea. And that when you have sex with him now, it's very special and he has to just accept that. Now if you don't value sex like that, then you have to be honest and just tell him that you don't put sex up on such a high pedestal. If that is the case than if you really care about this guy you have to find a way to show him you care about him more than any other guy you have been with, and he will have to accept that. Though I really think people should be more careful about who they sleep with and why.

Squishor · 05-03-2005, 06:01 AM

I know you love this guy but let's face it, he calls you a slut, makes snide comments, and is interfering with your friendships. He does not value or respect your experience, which is a way of not respecting you. He probably loves you back but if he cannot get over this I don't see any happy outcome for this scenario. Going on a rant about how you must feel shitty having other guys see you as a skank is not loving, accepting behavior. You sound really smart so I'm sure you see this, right? It would be one thing if he sat you down and respectfully asked that you not discuss your prior relationships because it made him uncomfortable. But the nasty, blaming behavior you're describing is probably something that will cause you a lot of hurt. Unless he can change, I'd seriously consider getting yourself out of the situation because if he's being like this now, when things are (presumably) going well between the two of you, what's he going to do when the road gets rocky? 99 times out of 100 "he can change" is a lie we tell ourselves because we don't want to face the painful truth in our relationships. Don't be one of those women.

doncalypso · 05-03-2005, 06:17 AM

This is a situation I'd be clueless to handle... Like Annie's boyfriend I'd be troubled if my girlfriend had many past lovers that lived in the same town as we did and frequented the same bars and movie theaters as we did. But if her past lovers were in different cities (preferably on the other side of the country) and I had no chance of ever crossing paths with them I guess I'd be better able to handle it.

I'd never resort to calling my girlfriend a slut or a whore for having had more sexual partners than me if I was in Annie's boyfriend's shoes... but I'd be a liar if I said it wouldn't bother me the least bit. I've been cheated on twice in past relationships, so the thought of my girlfriend being on friendly terms with an ex would worry me because I'd be afraid she might decide to go have sex with them because I don't measure up to their skills in bed.

Yeah yeah, I know it's a weak argument, but while I can control what I say and do I cannot control how I feel.

maleficent · 05-03-2005, 06:26 AM

I'm not excusing name calling or the current's basic immature behavior... however...

The question that I do have, is why or how does your current boyfriend know that these other guys have been your past lovers? Did you point them out to him? If so, why? There's honesty, and then there's rubbing the guys nose in it. A number is one thing, and irrelevant, provided you have been tested for STDs and such, but putting faces to those numbers is another story and not totally fair.

doncalypso · 05-03-2005, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by maleficent

I'm not excusing name calling or the current's basic immature behavior... however...

The question that I do have, is why or how does your current boyfriend know that these other guys have been your past lovers? Did you point them out to him? If so, why? There's honesty, and then there's rubbing the guys nose in it. A number is one thing, and irrelevant, provided you have been tested for STDs and such, but putting faces to those numbers is another story and not totally fair.

I agree with you on that one... If she's the one who pointed out that those guys are her former lovers then she rubbed it in his face and that's not cool.

doncalypso · 05-03-2005, 07:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jackebear

Well, good luck in this relationship. However, if it doesn't work out, remember the lesson you learned here...DO NOT talk numbers when it comes to ex's.

I agree wholeheartedly... Some things are just better left unsaid because even if someone asks you how many people you've been with the truth is they don't really want to know, and in all honesty they don't need to know either.

ontheroad · 05-03-2005, 07:05 AM

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ontheroad · 05-03-2005, 07:09 AM

perhaps i forgot to mention, we do live in a smallish city, run in packs with the same musical interests, political standings, etc. he knew already maybe 4 (yikes) of of my former lovers he knew from events that we frequent (right now i feel like smashing my head in) it sounds so bad. but none of them were mutual friends, and none of us hang out in the same posse. i did not point anyone out. come on peeps, im not a retard.

maleficent · 05-03-2005, 07:21 AM

I'm just asking questions here...

You say that you don't like the way he treats you in regards to your sexual past, which isn't that far a stretch from emotional abuse, but you like everything else.. What's the everything else that makes you put up with the name calling? Loving you isn't about giving you expensive presents, loving you is accepting you for who you are, and it doesn't sound like he's doing that.

maleficent · 05-03-2005, 07:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anniegetyergun

and as for names? he asked he asked he asked. why did he ask? because he had a 'right to know',

Why does he have a right to know names? I'm a lot older than you are, with a lot higher number than you have, I'm not sure I could remember all their names...

ontheroad · 05-03-2005, 07:38 AM

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ontheroad · 05-03-2005, 07:41 AM

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maleficent · 05-03-2005, 07:52 AM

I can't let this go... this is sounding like the stereotypical abusive relationship -- Oh baby I love you I love you I can't live without you...WHAM you are a slut.... Oh baby, I love you... T

Actions speak way louder than words... Love is more than just a simple I love you...

You know you are being abused... Cycles can be broken... What has he said when you' ve told him how you feel when he talks about your past?

Squishor · 05-03-2005, 08:15 AM

Sorry Annie, gotta agree with Mal here. Even the part about "when it's good..." sounds a little obsessive to me. And the grilling for names is a bit weird (now you know why I guess - he's a little unbalanced on the issue). I think your guy has emotional issues and it's starting to look like a forest of red flags to me.

I too am considerably older than you, and have had a lot of partners...my boyfriend now reaps the benefits of my experience, both in terms of sexual ability and ability to maintain a relationship. And he appreciates that! I'm not saying I'm so great - that's not the point. It's just that an adult man is going to be with adult women, who are generally not inexperienced sheltered little things, and it's one thing he has to get used to and see the positive side.

doncalypso · 05-03-2005, 08:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anniegetyergun

because maleficient, when its bad, its bad. but when its good, its fucking amazing. ive heard it all; lets get married, i want to fill you with babies, i love you more than anyone iv'e ever been with. and all of those were sincere comments, from him to me. when its good, (lets say he forgets about my old life) we get so wrapped up in eachother that we don't even see our friends or leave the apt. but i know in the back of my mind that when the good is good, there will be something not too far off in the future that will cause a fight about who i am, and then the abuse starts. its a cycle, and im totally sucked in.

ATTN all the boys out there: if youlove your ladie and intend on keeping her for a while, remember the wise words of the peeps on this thread and board. if you are going to love someone, make it unconditional. otherwise, same her the grief

No offense, Annie, but sounds to me like he's really good at playing with your emotions and confusing you just enough so that you don't wanna leave despite how badly things get when the shit hits the fan.

Have you two considered getting couple's counseling together? This is an issue you either must resolve or else you must split up... in my opinion, that is.

JamesB · 05-03-2005, 08:36 AM

Ok, while I partially agree with those who say "its his problem", you obviously understand that it is partly your 'problem' too. I think the issue here is relationship security. I have a feeling that your partner believes that you are a very attractive person who has the attention of passers-by and feels threatened by it.

How can you and your partner increase your sense of relationship security?

Cynthetiq · 05-03-2005, 08:45 AM

well I don't have to redflag the item since it's already been done for me.

as i read further and further down the thread... I see a bad codependent relationship.

I cannot add more to what has been put to the topics said.

Be you, and be happy with you. If someone isn't happy with you as you are right now, then they need to find another person to be with. It doesn't matter if he makes your toes curl or you see colors during orgasms, ultimately he's going to make you feel bad, its just a matter of time.

ontheroad · 05-03-2005, 09:45 AM

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05-02-2005, 06:58 PM	#1 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	past relationships:the backlash...your opinions please kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:25 PM..

05-02-2005, 07:10 PM	#2 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	If you are comfortable with your number, and don't have any problems with it, then well, sorry, but it's his problem. How did the conversation come up? Did he ask? If he asked, then he really should not have asked if he wasn't prepared to know what the answer was. To say he loses respect for you, again, I'm sorry, but that' is that is just wrong and hurtful and not what someone who is "totally in love" says to another person. Your number is part of your past, not your present, and not your future, but your past, he needs to accept it, or move on from it. But to seemingly hold it over your head, is not a good start to a relationship, because it seems he'll always hold that number over your head. Have you asked him what disturbs him so much about your number -- Is it that you've ben with more people than he has? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-02-2005, 07:19 PM	#3 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Yep, it's his problem. Ask him what the problem is, and tell him how it makes you feel when he talks that way. I don't know, to me that would sort of be a deal-breaker. That's not unconditional love. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-02-2005, 07:39 PM	#5 (permalink)
Sage hoarding all the big girl panties since 2005 Location: North side	What is your attitude towards your ex's? Are you still on semi-friendly terms with them and talk to them when you see them, or do you just wave, or do you ignore them completely? Perhaps if he percieves you as being nice to them, he then has a very hard time getting over the "she's sleeping with me and not with them" issue. Martel still has a hard time when I talk about things in my past. Sit down with your man, and really talk about this and how his attitude is making you feel. Perhaps he'll get better, perhaps not. But you need to communicate to him about it! __________________ Sage knows our mythic history, King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's She answers hard acrostics, has a pretty taste for paradox She quotes in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus In conics she can floor peculiarities parabolous -C'hi

05-02-2005, 07:49 PM	#6 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	You are a sum of your parts. Your parts include your previous relationships. Those previous relationships prepared you for him. Those previous relationships molded you into the person you are, the person he fell in love with. Personally, I believe he should walk up to those guys, and thank them for helping "make" the perfect woman for him. Does that make sense? Why don't you ask him what an acceptable number would be? It would be very telling... __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

05-02-2005, 07:29 PM	#4 (permalink)
streak_56 who ever said streaking was a bad thing? Location: Calgary	The past is the past.... if your bf cannot live with what has happened then he isn't going to be comfortable with you. Theres no reason why he should hold that against you. If he loves you, he'll get over it.

05-02-2005, 07:49 PM	#7 (permalink)
Lead543 Registered User Location: Calgary	Regardless of what the situation is you should not be made to feel like a whore. The past is in the past and just because you've had more then him as a partner doesn't mean you're a bad person, it doesn't mean you're not lovable and it certainly doesn't mean you're not worthy of respect. Talk to him about it, you're his girlfriend, he should love and respect you no matter what. He's probably not aware how hurtful he's being by saying these things. If he stands by his story then maybe you should look for a guy who loves YOU and is not so fixated and insecure about your past. Good luck.

05-02-2005, 07:56 PM	#8 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:55 PM..

05-02-2005, 08:12 PM	#10 (permalink)
chickentribs Addict Location: Mansion by day/Secret Lair by night	Things to value in a partner - smart, funny, attractive, caring, honest, trustworthy. If he is basing his "respect" on your past relationships, it is a battle you will never win in his eyes and one not worth even fighting. He is insecure and taking cheap shots at you to feel superior. Tell him to get his priorities straight, because his judging of you is boring and accomplishes nothing. If he thinks a virgin is what he needs, let him go to a convent or find a girl that will lie to him. His loss. "Fuck a rolling doughnut" That is just great... Sounds like he is in love with who he wants you to be - not the funny honest person you are. __________________ Oft expectation fails... and most oft there Where most it promises - Shakespeare, W. Last edited by chickentribs; 05-02-2005 at 08:16 PM..

05-02-2005, 08:31 PM	#11 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	dddddddddddddddddddddddddddd __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:56 PM..

05-02-2005, 08:35 PM	#12 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Annie, things don't sound very healthy for you in this relationship. I'd seriously re-evaluate what you have there, and figure out what you really want. Do not move oceans for someone who does not love you unconditionally. That is just allowing yourself to be abused (even if it is verbally/emotionally, which is what it sounds like, that's quite serious). And I believe it's a flying fuck at a rolling donut.... __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

05-02-2005, 08:58 PM	#13 (permalink)
Biscuit Buns Four of Wands Location: Somewhere entirely too hot.	Oh, my God, Annie - this is so like my last ex it's not even funny (not that it would be anyway). The issue with the number of guys (nevermind how he freaked out when he found out I'd had some fun with a couple of girls), his insults, his manipulation, his insecurity...everything. We were together for 3 years and now have a child. His lack of respect did nothing but grow and it took me a long time to get over feeling like such a tramp and complete loser. I've slept with about the same number as you and he was insecure because of his ex's. It escalated to the point where I had to leave. Bad situation for me and even worse for my son. It kills me that my son won't have a respectful, loving (biological) father in his life - it's not how I was raised and not how I wanted to raise him. Anyway, it was scary leaving because I felt pretty worthless after all his bullshit, but you know what? Life goes on and you are the one in control of your own happiness. Get out before you get in too deep. It hurts, but this man will never respect you. BIG HUGS. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. __________________ A hard man is good to find. ~Mae West

05-02-2005, 09:02 PM	#14 (permalink)
Acetylene Addict Location: under a rock	This is a lot like the other thread going on, "in a relationship", which is about insecurity when your partner finds someone else attractive. I think the issue here is possession. He doesn't feel like you are entirely "his" because other guys can look at you and remember 'boinking' you, as you put it. He also fears you will cheat. (OOC, did you ever cheat? Or did you simply move from partner to partner quickly?) This kind of insecurity is really hard for you to deal with because he will get defensive. Any suggestion that his insecurity is wrong just makes him feel more insecure. Any change is going to have to come from within himself. Unfortunately, it might take something serious for him to realize he's in the wrong here, being so possessive of you. You may need to flat-out tell him that you are not HIS piece of meat, and this is caveman behavior, and you will not allow him to insult you this way. __________________ There's no justice. There's just us.

05-02-2005, 09:23 PM	#15 (permalink)
Martel Insane Location: Sage's bed	On the other side of this issue, I know it can be a tough thing for a guy to deal with. When a guy thinks about "other men who have had sex with my gf/wife/whatever in the past", our brains generally lock up at "other men who have had sex with my gf/wife/whatever" and don't get to the "in the past" part. It can be tough to separate it out. We know that the past is the past, and generally speaking try really hard not to let it bother us. I can't really speak for this particular dude, it sounds like you two have a lot of other things going on too if you're looking for ways to "get" him, thinking that the "backlash will be worth it". Sit down with him and talk to him and tell him you totally understand what the deal is with it. Tell him how you really feel about him; tell him what you told us, that this issue is starting to piss you off. Tell him it hurts your feelings and your self-esteem for him to rant about you like that. And quite honestly, if he replies that you SHOULD feel bad about it, tell him to take a hike. __________________ Anamnesis

05-02-2005, 09:24 PM	#16 (permalink)
ironmaiden7o7 Insane Location: NYC	Your past is your past and it should be left alone. You didn't know him while you were with these other people and he shouldn't hold any of those actions against you. It's really him that has a problem here, not you. We all do things when we are younger only to move on later and realise that we've made mistakes, whether you have 1 or 10 previous partners, that is really YOUR business and should be left behind, as long as you are with him now and isn't seeing any of these people behind his back, he should learn to accept it and move forward. Try having a talk with him, tell him how you feel and how hurt you are that he is judging you by something that happened before you met him, everyone has a past, and it isn't fair that he can now lose respect for you because of something you did before even knowing him. Good luck with this.

05-02-2005, 09:25 PM	#17 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	dddddddddddddddddddddddddddd __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:56 PM..

05-02-2005, 09:35 PM	#19 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddds __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:57 PM..

05-02-2005, 09:50 PM	#21 (permalink)
Martel Insane Location: Sage's bed	if you're okay with his past and he's not okay with your past, it just means you are more emotionally developed than he is on this particular issue. if you really care about him, try your best to help him through it. try to deflect things when he tries to get confrontational. I'm not saying you should roll over and take it from him when he's being a jerk, but at this point you either need to help him as best you can or tell him to get lost. __________________ Anamnesis

05-02-2005, 11:54 PM	#22 (permalink)
Jackebear Insane	Well, good luck in this relationship. However, if it doesn't work out, remember the lesson you learned here...DO NOT talk numbers when it comes to ex's. My wife is experienced and so am I. Not porn star experienced but you know what I mean. This is an out of bounds topic and completely irrelevant to our present situation. I think she is smart, independent, funny and gorgeous. I am sure she feels the same about me. Our sex life is incredible and I would never compare her to an ex-girlfriend. This is one of those topics that a white lie will be necessary. I'm a guy and I don't know why but most guys are not comfortable knowing their girlfiriend is experieced even if they (the guy) slept with many women. I know, I know...it's totally screwed but that's the way it is. Any guy who has to know the number is very insecure and telling him the truth is not going to help. 3 is a good number....if you next guy has to know...use 3. Again, good luck to you. __________________ Life's jounney is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn-out shouting, "Holy sh*t! What a ride!" - unknown

05-03-2005, 01:28 AM	#23 (permalink)
MEAD Insane Location: South Florida	As long as you care for him more than the other guys you have been with there has to be a way to show that to him, this is where things get fucked up because you can't really use sex as that thing. You have to ask yourself, how valuable is sex to you? And if it is really important and an act of love than you have to tell him that you thought you were in love, or were but it didnt work and if you did sleep with a guy you didnt love it was prob not the best idea. And that when you have sex with him now, it's very special and he has to just accept that. Now if you don't value sex like that, then you have to be honest and just tell him that you don't put sex up on such a high pedestal. If that is the case than if you really care about this guy you have to find a way to show him you care about him more than any other guy you have been with, and he will have to accept that. Though I really think people should be more careful about who they sleep with and why. __________________ Here are some phrases I'd like to be able to say, in all honesty, before I die. "That's it, send out the ninjas!" "So then I had to kill my way to the second floor."

05-03-2005, 06:01 AM	#24 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	I know you love this guy but let's face it, he calls you a slut, makes snide comments, and is interfering with your friendships. He does not value or respect your experience, which is a way of not respecting you. He probably loves you back but if he cannot get over this I don't see any happy outcome for this scenario. Going on a rant about how you must feel shitty having other guys see you as a skank is not loving, accepting behavior. You sound really smart so I'm sure you see this, right? It would be one thing if he sat you down and respectfully asked that you not discuss your prior relationships because it made him uncomfortable. But the nasty, blaming behavior you're describing is probably something that will cause you a lot of hurt. Unless he can change, I'd seriously consider getting yourself out of the situation because if he's being like this now, when things are (presumably) going well between the two of you, what's he going to do when the road gets rocky? 99 times out of 100 "he can change" is a lie we tell ourselves because we don't want to face the painful truth in our relationships. Don't be one of those women.

05-03-2005, 06:17 AM	#25 (permalink)
doncalypso TFP Mad Scientist Location: Philadelphia, PA	This is a situation I'd be clueless to handle... Like Annie's boyfriend I'd be troubled if my girlfriend had many past lovers that lived in the same town as we did and frequented the same bars and movie theaters as we did. But if her past lovers were in different cities (preferably on the other side of the country) and I had no chance of ever crossing paths with them I guess I'd be better able to handle it. I'd never resort to calling my girlfriend a slut or a whore for having had more sexual partners than me if I was in Annie's boyfriend's shoes... but I'd be a liar if I said it wouldn't bother me the least bit. I've been cheated on twice in past relationships, so the thought of my girlfriend being on friendly terms with an ex would worry me because I'd be afraid she might decide to go have sex with them because I don't measure up to their skills in bed. Yeah yeah, I know it's a weak argument, but while I can control what I say and do I cannot control how I feel. __________________ Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

05-03-2005, 06:26 AM	#26 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm not excusing name calling or the current's basic immature behavior... however... The question that I do have, is why or how does your current boyfriend know that these other guys have been your past lovers? Did you point them out to him? If so, why? There's honesty, and then there's rubbing the guys nose in it. A number is one thing, and irrelevant, provided you have been tested for STDs and such, but putting faces to those numbers is another story and not totally fair. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-03-2005, 07:05 AM	#29 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:57 PM..

05-03-2005, 07:09 AM	#30 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	perhaps i forgot to mention, we do live in a smallish city, run in packs with the same musical interests, political standings, etc. he knew already maybe 4 (yikes) of of my former lovers he knew from events that we frequent (right now i feel like smashing my head in) it sounds so bad. but none of them were mutual friends, and none of us hang out in the same posse. i did not point anyone out. come on peeps, im not a retard. __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 05-03-2005 at 07:15 AM..

05-03-2005, 07:21 AM	#31 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I'm just asking questions here... You say that you don't like the way he treats you in regards to your sexual past, which isn't that far a stretch from emotional abuse, but you like everything else.. What's the everything else that makes you put up with the name calling? Loving you isn't about giving you expensive presents, loving you is accepting you for who you are, and it doesn't sound like he's doing that. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-03-2005, 07:38 AM	#33 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:58 PM..

05-03-2005, 07:41 AM	#34 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:58 PM..

05-03-2005, 07:52 AM	#35 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	I can't let this go... this is sounding like the stereotypical abusive relationship -- Oh baby I love you I love you I can't live without you...WHAM you are a slut.... Oh baby, I love you... T Actions speak way louder than words... Love is more than just a simple I love you... You know you are being abused... Cycles can be broken... What has he said when you' ve told him how you feel when he talks about your past? __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

05-03-2005, 08:15 AM	#36 (permalink)
Squishor Frontal Lobe Location: California	Sorry Annie, gotta agree with Mal here. Even the part about "when it's good..." sounds a little obsessive to me. And the grilling for names is a bit weird (now you know why I guess - he's a little unbalanced on the issue). I think your guy has emotional issues and it's starting to look like a forest of red flags to me. I too am considerably older than you, and have had a lot of partners...my boyfriend now reaps the benefits of my experience, both in terms of sexual ability and ability to maintain a relationship. And he appreciates that! I'm not saying I'm so great - that's not the point. It's just that an adult man is going to be with adult women, who are generally not inexperienced sheltered little things, and it's one thing he has to get used to and see the positive side.

05-03-2005, 08:36 AM	#38 (permalink)
JamesB Insane Location: Ottawa	Ok, while I partially agree with those who say "its his problem", you obviously understand that it is partly your 'problem' too. I think the issue here is relationship security. I have a feeling that your partner believes that you are a very attractive person who has the attention of passers-by and feels threatened by it. How can you and your partner increase your sense of relationship security? __________________ -- apt-get install spare_time --

05-03-2005, 08:45 AM	#39 (permalink)
Cynthetiq Tilted Cat Head Administrator Location: Manhattan, NY	well I don't have to redflag the item since it's already been done for me. as i read further and further down the thread... I see a bad codependent relationship. I cannot add more to what has been put to the topics said. Be you, and be happy with you. If someone isn't happy with you as you are right now, then they need to find another person to be with. It doesn't matter if he makes your toes curl or you see colors during orgasms, ultimately he's going to make you feel bad, its just a matter of time. __________________ I don't care if you are black, white, purple, green, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, hippie, cop, bum, admin, user, English, Irish, French, Catholic, Protestant, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, indian, cowboy, tall, short, fat, skinny, emo, punk, mod, rocker, straight, gay, lesbian, jock, nerd, geek, Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, Independent, driver, pedestrian, or bicyclist, either you're an asshole or you're not. What's the best nation in the world? DO-NATION!

05-03-2005, 09:45 AM	#40 (permalink)
ontheroad Upright Location: wherever i feel alive	fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff __________________ under the spreading chestnut tree, i sold you and you sold me Last edited by ontheroad; 12-13-2006 at 07:59 PM..