FEIGN

First off, thank you all in advance for all the help I have recieved from the members of this board. It's great to have a place like this to come to when you need advice. And to know that most of the people here genuinely want to help.

Second, this is a serious post, so please keep any and all nonsense replies to yourselves. Normally I love the occasional joke reply. But not this time.

My wife has been ill for about two years now, she has a myriad of problems, fibromyalgia (chronic pain and fatigue), depression, anxiety, ulcers and sleeping problems. While these problems do affect her day to day routines, we have tried to remain as affectionate and loving as possible. By the way she's only 33 years old. While we used to have sex 3 to 4 times a week, we are now down to about 3 to 4 times a month. I am 30 and still have the libido of a 15 year old. I can do it any day, any time, any where, several times a day. Now, I can deal with 3 to 4 times a month, that's not the problem. Just because I could have sex several times a day, every day, doesn't mean I have to. The problem is that my wife seems to have lost her ability to orgasm. I don't know if it is from her illnesses or the medications she takes for those illnesses. All I know is that it is killing me that she can't come. I have tried everything I can think of to help her have an orgasm, but nothing seems to work. And I really don't enjoy sex that much if she can't enjoy it to. I feel more satisfied making her come, than her making me come. If i'm the only one to get any satisfaction from it, I might as well just masterbate.

Anyway, last night she woke me up at 1:30 am and told me that she had a sexy dream, that she was horny, and she begged me to make her come. I did my best to make her come. But after 45 minutes she got frustrated and gave up. She said she was horny and wet and she enjoyed the hell out of it, but she couldn't come. I felt so bad for her.

So, what I need from you guys is some suggestions on how I might make my wife have an orgasm. I have tried using my hands, my tongue, my member, toys, dirty talk, tying her up etc.. but so far nothing. She hasn't had an orgasm in about 18 months and it's pissing me off.

Please help?

Thank you all

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Redlemon

Can she still masturbate to orgasm? Any followup answers are going to depend on the answer to that question.

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huskerd911

I don't think you said that you have tried this:

Can she make herself orgasm through masturbation? If she can't push her own buttons, I wouldn't expect you to be able to do it. (No offense). At least if she can do it herself, you know the drugs haven't taken away her ability.

Good Luck!!

hrdwareguy

Talk to the doctors about it. Could be a combination of the meds she is on.

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doncalypso

You have a point there.... If FEIGN's wife can still reach orgasm though masturbation then it means the problem is psychological. However if she cannot reach orgasm even though masturbation this may indicate a more serious physiological problem.

Maybe the chronic illness and medication she's been taking for treatment have affected her hormonal system, or maybe her autonomic nervous system has been affected so that the nerves affecting the sexual organs no longer release the proper neurotransmitters. Honestly I don't have an clue what the problem is, but having her start by trying to achieve orgasm through masturbation is a good first step in the troubleshooting process.

Excellent insight, Redlemon.



FEIGN, have you tried giving your wife oral sex? Maybe oral stimulation of her clitoris could work, but you have to go at her pace and not make her feel any pressure to climax.

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FEIGN

She has never really been comfortable pleasuring herself. She says she doesn't need to since she has me. She told me she has done it in the past, before me, but not since. I afraid it might be a combo of illness, meds, and psychie. I'm dooooomed. I can't take her off the meds just to have an orgasm. And I've tried oral and most other things. I have asked her to help me by talking to me while we're doing it, to let me know if she wants me change something I'm doing or do something specific. But she has just never been real comfortable talking about sex that way. She used to be like a sexual dynamo, always wanting it, and always getting satisfied. She's not nervous talking about sex in general even in specifics. But when it comes to talking about how something i'm doing feels to her or is she would like to try masterbating herself she clams up. I don't know what to do.

Thank you all for your help.

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sapituca

The meds: Anti-depression (SRI) drugs can and will make a person anorgasmic. Talk to her/your doctor. Libido goes down the drain too.

Redlemon

OK then, here's a little fun trick. Have her use your hand to masturbate. You keep your hand and fingers stiff, finger(s) crooked, and arm loose. She moves your hand wherever she needs it, as firm/gentle or fast/slow as she needs. Hopefully, this will let her tell you what she needs without having to put it into words. I learned a lot from my SO when we did that, and we were already comfortable talking about sex and had been doing it for probably 6 years or so.

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f6twister

No, you can't take her off her meds but that is a big reason why you should talk to her doctor. There may be other meds out there which will help your wife but have less or no effect on the libido. I was on a couple of different meds that effected mine. I told my doctor and he switched me right away to something that has no effect. The worst that can happen is that there isn't another drug.

Now, assuming that the drugs aren't the cause or there is no alternative, my advice is to keep trying and try new things. Do you use toys or anything like that? A new toy just might give your wife the edge you both need.

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Zegel

Have you thought about councelling? If she is having trouble talking about it with you then it's going to be very hard to make progress.

doncalypso

Son... I think your better half needs to develop a more positive attitude towards masturbation. I think she's putting too much expectation on you and isn't willing to do her part to guarantee her sexual pleasure.

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maleficent

She's got a lot going on with her physically.. and it's got to be affecting her emotionally. I can tell you it's very very difficult to have an orgasm when you are wound up pretty tight, and if she's got all that going on... she's got to be pretty tight. You might think that an orgasm would relax a person, but if you can't relax to begin with -- you can't tet into a state where you can orgasm.

Next... Fibromyalgia - Not sure what the doctor is doing to treat this, but I know that meds don't alway work and it is painful. It can make sex painful or at least uncomfortable...

A conversation I had with a friend recently, who's a massage therapist, told me business was picking up recently because she had gotten in a slew of women clients, all who knew each other from the same doctor's office. They were all being treated for fibromyalgia wihtout a lot of relief. One of the women, had gone to my friend for a massage, and was asked about any troubles she was having.. and had mentioned the Fibromyalgia... After a few sessions, the woman wasn't cured... my friend isn't a miracle worker, but the woman was better able to deal with the condition and had told all her friends.

I'm getting to a point here somewhere... Don't take her off her meds just for an orgasm... however, talking with her doctor to explore alternate therapies I would strongly suggest. Massage therapy might be something to investigate, and absolutely could not hurt trying it out...

Ok - now the tough love part...
Chill Out... Imagine you are the woman, and the man that you love, and who you know loves you is spending 45 minutes trying to give you an orgasm and you just can't get there... (beleive it or not, it does happen) it's frustrating for you because you can't give your husband what he wants to give you, and it's frustrating for your husband because he can't give you what he thinks you want. If she's OK with it feeling good.... then that should be OK... She doesn't have to finish. It doesn't make you a super stud because you can give multiple orgasms...

How are you at reading her signals, does her body change when you know she's enjoying something, does her eye color change, there are non verbal clues to let you know you are doing something right...

OK -- tough love over..
Patience will get you thru this, and I commend you for all you've done so far... just let her know how you feel...

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Redlemon

One more possibility that you didn't mention is erotic stories, and I'm not talking about Penthouse Letters. Most people would probably send you to a place like Literotica, but I'm going to link you to the Eroticha pages at Hoot Island. That's not a typo; the stories are sexy and funny simultaneously.

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kramus

A few years ago I had a bad period and was put on anti-depressents. I'm a guy, and I rarely was able to orgasm even when masturbating - I'd give up and go read a book or something. Rang the exes bell regular as clockwork but she felt lessened because she just didn't finish me off in return Sex, no matter how hot or how involved and giving the ex was, just wasn't getting it done. Doctor changed meds and Old Faithful kicked in again. Of course, that was me and my situation but it does happen and I sure as hell didn't enjoy it.

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Elphaba

Anti-depressants do affect men's and women's libido. My sexual response in the middle of sleep could cause an orgasm before I could reach out and shake hubby awake. Sadly, he couldn't cause one for me, no matter what. The meds do change your sexual response and if I could do without the meds and remain sane, we would be happy rabbits.

Martian

What everyone else said and then some.

Be gentle and encouraging. She's probably picking up on your frustration, which is making it harder for her to relax enough to orgasm. Sex needs to be fun; it may help to remember that it's not as important for women to come as it is for men (although I'm a dude and therefore have no first-hand experience, it's my understanding that many women don't have an orgasm every time they have sex and are prefectly okay with that).

Another thing to suggest to her is masturbating in the shower. She's already naked and running her hands all over her body, it's not a big leap. Try suggesting that she try to figure out what works for her in order to help you get her there.

Or share a shower. I don't know if you've done that one yet, but my lover and me find it to be incredibly erotic and generally end up having amazing sex during/after (although if it's after it usually necessitates another shower).

Finally, like everyone said, talk to your doctor. It seems embarassing and isn't the easiest thing in the world to bring up, but this is his job and he'll know if there's any way to help ith the medications. If that's where the problem is (which could well be the case) then you're probably not going to get anywhere on your own and you simply can't alter orstop her medications without professional help. Your doctor deals with this sort of thing every day and is trained to know what needs to be done; he may be able to give you some insight into what exactly's going on. If you do talk to him about it, try to be as specific as possible. Did the problem start as soon as she went on the medications, shortly after? Was it abrupt or did it develop gradually? These sorts of things will help the doctor to know just what's going on.

Oh, and a final note for you and your wife; remember that masturbation is not wrong or bad and there's no reason not to even if you're in a loving relationship. The simply fact is that her libido isn't how it used to be and if yours is still up there then there's no reason to deny yourself just to be noble. Be open with her about it and make sure she understands that it isn't a shortcoming of her's, but don't be afraid to go that route either.

kramus

I think and others think that this might be one of the keys to help. How's this for a first step approach. Encourage her to at least let you indulge in mutual masturbation. She doesn't have to "O", the key is to allow you some room for enjoyment while the pressure is off. If she takes some of the responsibility for her pleasure into her own hands so to speak, and you are open with her about how hot you find it when she is masturbating while you watch/stroke yourself it might at least be another avenue of mutual enjoyment that could eventually give a result you both like. I don't know your home situation (are there others in the home that would disallow this) but if the mutual thing took place on the living room couch it would give her a little space. Possibly the bedroom means a different kind of intimacy and a place like the living room couch would allow a more casual and relaxed atmosphere where what could almost be a teenager juvenile tease game could be played by you two. You could even get a little demanding ... tell her you want to stand in front of her and get head while she strokes herself, and every now and then you stand back and take yourself in hand and talk sexy while telling her how hot it all is. Who knows what could come of her learning to relax while creating another kind of intimacy and sharing?

Sorry about the long ramble, but this is very important for both of you and anything that might help in the least bit is worth trying at least a few times. My 2 cents.

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tecoyah

I would highly recommend you consider the advice about self pleasuring in this thread. As always, the members here have given very sound advice.

My take is a three step process to evaluate the actual issue:

!) find out if this is a physical problem....thus the self pleasure.

2) evaluate the medication based on your doctors advice.

3) slowly work on your wifes hang ups about her sexuality (yes she has some, we all do)

Lastly.....it is also possible this is not as big an issue as it seems, and may be temporary.

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Strange Famous

Well, I would say what others have first of all, that it may be the medication she is on... but sometimes I think that by making something into a big issue, you can build up a lot of stress and pressure around it and it can make things worse. Maybe you should just try pampering her, give her a massage, and do - well Im not going to try and be explicit - but erotic things... dont be so hung up on that she has to orgasm and its a failure if it doesnt happen, just maybe you need to relax and both enjoy just doing stuff together, and make her feel sexy - make her feel like you are really into this, rather than just hell for leather trying to achieve one result and taking it bad on yourself if it doesnt happen...

You just... literally spend an evening engaging in the just pure foreplay, and see what happens from it, dont get too hung up on achieving the "money shot" so to speak.

And maybe also you should both seek the advice of a dr, Im pretty sure what you are going through is not unique... and I agree she cant come of meds that she needs just to improve her sex life, but there are other options perhaps.

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maryjane

Maybe another womans touch would help, if you know what I mean.

Acetylene

There is more than one drug for all of her problems, especially depression. Ask your doctor to let her try a different antidepressant and go from there. Some antidepressants are specifically formulated to avoid damaging libido.

Also, the combination of her being afraid to masturbate AND afraid to talk about her own pleasure is a little fishy... it sounds like she feels uncomfortable with the recieving end of a relationship. Is she normally very "giving" (does errands for you, cooks for you, buys you presents, then says 'you shouldn't have' when you bring home flowers)? Many woman are more comfortable giving than receiving, and it gets in the way of their orgasm. This is something that can be 100% fixed with talk therapy, so I'd recommend you find her a good, reputable counselor, possibly one who also does couples counseling.

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TrevDigital

I would say that in my experience this is Key. If you rule out the medication, make sure you focus on the activity Before the activity. I have never experienced a woman orgasming without at least 20 minutes of foreplay. Light oral teasing, etc is great for building up excitement.

Hope this helps!

Phory

There is a suplement called l-Arginine. Among other things, it makes it much easier to come. You can buy it at GNC. You should have her try it out for a week or so.

Redlemon

Do NOT do this without discussing it with her doctor first. Just because you can buy these supplements over-the-counter doesn't mean that they have no side effects, and especially because there could be drug interactions with the medications that she is presently using.

(And regarding my previous comments in this thread; I agree with all the "no pressure" and "ask doctor about other medications" comments by the other users; I'm just suggesting specific things.)

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