Never had this feeling before - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

fatboss · 03-10-2005, 05:13 AM

I hope someone out there can help me with this. I know I've come to the right place. Please bear with me whilst I get this off my chest.

I work in a male dominant industry, so the only female contact I get on a daily basis are the girls that work on the front desk or maybe in accounts. There are women who work 'under' me, but the Print Industry and good looking women don't go hand-in-hand.

Me being a bloke, I work on the 'look but don't touch' theory. I am very happily married with 2 boys that are 100 times more handsome than their Dad (have you seen my Avatar?) and up to now I've not had a problem just looking and using my imagination. You know what I mean right?

That is up until now. We have a woman that has recently joined us who works in the Front Office. Let's call her Betty to protect the innocent! Betty is 4 years younger than me (I'm 39 this year), she's happily married also with 2 step daughters. I wouldn't say that she is Supermodel material, but you know when you find somebody ball-achingly attractive they don't need to be? Betty is just like that. She's slim, attractive and she has a cleavage I could fall into and die happy! She likes to wear tight-fitting clothes, much to the annoyance of the old hag who works in the office with her! Most days she wears glasses, but some days she wears contacts and I swear I can't concentrate on what I'm doing! I think about her on the way to work, hoping that I can get just 5 minutes to talk to her alone. She is very comfortable in the company of men, I can tell that. But when I try to talk to her I feel like I'm 14 years old and do that stupid nervous laugh. That's how much she affects me, Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Ive ended up sitting next to her at 2 works functions, but I feel like all eyes are on us, waiting to get it over with and pounce on each other.

Forgive my brutal honesty, but I would drag her off to the store cupboard and do her some serious damage right now if I knew I could. We flirt like mad with e-mails of a slightly suggestive nature, but again I think the suggestiveness is all in my head and Betty is blisfully unaware of how she is so in my head all the time.

So my question (finally!) to my tfp friends is simple. Do I tell her how she makes me feel, just so that I can be honest with her and hope that she respects my honesty, or do I spend the rest of my days here quietly going mad with lust. If I told her all this on my last day here (I'm looking for new opportunities elsewhere) and she feels the same way, I would probably kick myself.

Do I need to grow up and get on with my life, or do I grab the bull by the horns, so to speak and get busy as is the right of all men in a position of power?

Many Thanks for listening and I really would appreciate any help no matter how trivial you think the advice is.

LATEST - As I'm typing the last bit of this she bursts into my office looking like she's about to cry! The old hag in the office has been giving her grief and she'd had enough. I told her that if she wants to escape any time she can come and hide in my office. WHAT AM I DOING ??????

forkies · 03-10-2005, 05:24 AM

okay, on one had (your post except the last sentence), i want to say "go for it"
then, on the other hand (your last sentence), i want to say "get over it"

you make your post out to be that you will simply be telling her how you feel. you will finally be honest with her, is your excuse. but, i have a strong feeling that if you tell her how you feel, simply being honest with each other isn't all you will want.

don't fuck up your marriage or your kids

Furry · 03-10-2005, 05:28 AM

*Agrees with Forkies' last line*

You stand to lose a lot more than you might gain.

raveneye · 03-10-2005, 05:31 AM

I'm with forkies. Bottom line is: is it worth losing your marriage and possibly custody of your sons (don't know how old they are), and perhaps your job as well?

If not, get over it, and start thinking about the reasons you feel this way. Something wrong at home?

abaya · 03-10-2005, 05:38 AM

You just HAVE to have her, eh? You'd do anything to get her?

Well here's the #1 thing I think you should do: tell your wife about how you feel. Proceed from there.

fatboss · 03-10-2005, 05:49 AM

Hope you don't think I'm lame but I took that last line out.

I don't HAVE to have her. No there's nothing wrong at home. This is why I'm so confused. The only woman who had this effect on me is Mrs. Fatboss.

Why do I have Betty in my head so much? Is it because I can't have her?

Would I feel better if I told her what she does to me, but if her flame ain't flickering for me, then I happily forget about her being the 'object of my desires'.

But then, what if she says there is a certain 'something' there.

I'm glad I'm getting this off my chest. Thanks for the swift replies. I knew I would get some sensible advice from you guys

raveneye · 03-10-2005, 06:17 AM

Quote:

Why do I have Betty in my head so much? Is it because I can't have her?

Well, you did say your age was that terrible and magical year, 39. For some folks that number in an of itself can cause a certain level of perhaps unconscious or semi-conscious panic that leads to weird feelings and behavior on the surface.

On the other hand, maybe she's just really really really hot

mazagmot · 03-10-2005, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fatboss

I don't HAVE to have her. No there's nothing wrong at home. This is why I'm so confused. The only woman who had this effect on me is Mrs. Fatboss.

Every time you start getting that ball-aching feeling, try thinking about the ball-aching feeling you get for your wife instead? Turn the lust you feel for Betty into increased lust for your wife?

tres · 03-10-2005, 06:32 AM

hmmm.. Well.. Maybe if you just tell her, but be sure to explain, that you never intend to act on it. Explain that you just need to get it off your chest. I might do this by first asking her if you can discuss something completly personal and not business related. It could be a good thing. On the other hand it could make it a very uncomfortable situation if she doesent take well to the way you feel. I agree with everyone else..don't ruin your marriage!!!!!!!

veruca · 03-10-2005, 06:50 AM

I think having a fun flirtatious relationship is great, and very healthy. But, if it keeps you from having a healthy relationship with your wife it becomes a problem. unless, your wife is cool with you flirting with other women, I wouldn't tell her and I wouldn't tell your friend about your feelings. You have wayyy to much to lose.
The way I see it is you have 2 choices...break it off with your friend if it is becoming too much for you to handle...or just sit back and enjoy the ego boost. I think that the tension flirting builds is more fun than the actual act anyway.

tres · 03-10-2005, 06:54 AM

Another option is to use your fantasies about her, then go home and be with your wife... this way, your not hurting anyone... Maybe Talk your wife into a little roleplaying and ask her to pretend she's a co-worker.

Daoust · 03-10-2005, 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tres

Another option is to use your fantasies about her, then go home and be with your wife... this way, your not hurting anyone... Maybe Talk your wife into a little roleplaying and ask her to pretend she's a co-worker.

Yeah, right! WTF?!? Any woman with half a brain is going to say "so you want to nail your co-worker do you? You mean that new secretary with the great body and killer tits, don't you? I KNEW IT! You son-of-a-bitch! Go sleep on the couch!" And this would be followed by at least a week of jerking off in the shower.

Fatboss, I know exactly what you're going through. I was in the same situation. Once my wife even half clued into the fact that there was a female at my workspace that I got along well with (that's it, that's all) she became instantaneously jealous, and that jealousy did not subside until we packed up and moved 15 hours away...

Whoever suggested telling your wife about your lust issue is probably not married. I suggest not telling her. I also strongly suggest not nailing the co-worker because, even though right now it seems like the best thing you could possibly do, it really would be the most damaging, destructive thing you could do. Finally, I'll give you the best advice you may receive from all this - Flirt all you want, and if she offers to show you her tits, look, but don't touch. Famous words from a not so famous man.

jwoody · 03-10-2005, 07:15 AM

Here's my advice.

I think you're only lusting after this woman because she's there. As I'm walking around town I notice many women who I find attractive but, as it's only a passing glance, I soon get over it and move my thoughts on to the next one.

Because you're seeing this woman every day your fantasies are becoming more elaborate. It is possible that she is having a similar experience but that's not the point I'm trying to make here.

If you were a single man (which you aren't) and she was single woman (which she isn't) I'd still advise you to proceed with extreme caution in any workplace-based romance. If it all goes tits-up you'd still have to face each other every day.

Decorate your office with pictures of Mrs. Fatboss, Fatboss Jr. and Fatboss Jr. II

fatboss · 03-10-2005, 07:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by veruca

I think having a fun flirtatious relationship is great, and very healthy. But, if it keeps you from having a healthy relationship with your wife it becomes a problem. unless, your wife is cool with you flirting with other women, I wouldn't tell her and I wouldn't tell your friend about your feelings. You have wayyy to much to lose.
The way I see it is you have 2 choices...break it off with your friend if it is becoming too much for you to handle...or just sit back and enjoy the ego boost. I think that the tension flirting builds is more fun than the actual act anyway.

This is why I feel that I have friends on the tfp.

Thanks for the advice veruca. Saying anything to either ladies is a potential hazard to my health.

I think I'm gonna stick with the harmaless flirting, which some of the other guys are slightly jealous about as it happens.

At least I know where my head will be at now.

Thanks again.

fatboss.

tres · 03-10-2005, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daoust

Yeah, right! WTF?!? Any woman with half a brain is going to say "so you want to nail your co-worker do you? You mean that new secretary with the great body and killer tits, don't you? I KNEW IT! You son-of-a-bitch! Go sleep on the couch!" And this would be followed by at least a week of jerking off in the shower. .

Thats not necessarly the way it has to happen. If you do these things normally.. like the naughty school teacher, or naughty secratary or anything along those lines.. it won't be too out of the ordinary. He may just have to work toward to co-worker, may do other things first... then lead into that so it's not so obvious..

fatboss · 03-10-2005, 08:09 AM

I'm lovin' you guys

Mrs. Fatboss had better watch out when I get home

Muchas Gracias Amigos

Glory's Sun · 03-10-2005, 09:11 AM

My take on it is this... if you have a romp with the co-worker.. I hope it's really good.. good enough to loose your family over.

ratbastid · 03-10-2005, 10:21 AM

I like the advice you've gotten from others, and I'm glad to see you're taking it. I have only one comment:

Quote:

Originally Posted by fatboss

We flirt like mad with e-mails of a slightly suggestive nature, but again I think the suggestiveness is all in my head and Betty is blisfully unaware of how she is so in my head all the time.

I doubt that very VERY much. Women are smarter about this sort of thing than you can possibly imagine. I suspect she knows perfectly well that she's toying with you, AND the effect it's having. Which is all fine, as long as you're just toying back with her!

la petite moi · 03-10-2005, 10:34 AM

Take it out your horniness on your wife.

And seriously, try to forget about Betty.

Cimarron29414 · 03-10-2005, 11:12 AM

Fatboss,

Is there a risk of sexual harrassment lawsuit if you continue this behavior? You do realize that "emails" = "evidence". I assume at least the latter part of your name is true?......

I also think you need to be honest with yourself. I don't think one can categorize their marriage as "very happily married" in the same post as "I would drag [Betty] off to the store cupboard and do her some serious damage right now if I knew I could".
Work on your marriage, you made the commitment and your wife expects you to hold up your end of the bargain.

Finally, a word on Betty. Betty is a pain in-the-ass nag, that won't let you pop the cap on your brew after work before starting in on you about the trash and unfolded laundry. She has $23K in credit card debt due to her addiction to expensive shoes. She gets her hair cut once a week for $80 because of her poor self-image issues. Betty has chronic yeast infections that cause intense pain during intercourse preventing her from having sex more than once every 6 months. Betty is histrionic and suffers from extreme paranoia. She creates problems where none exist in order to garner attention. Finally, Betty has a penis - she is a pre-op transsexual lesbian.

Hope this helps.

abaya · 03-10-2005, 12:21 PM

Cimarron, you mean Betty's NORMAL?!? (Okay, maybe the transsexual lesbian part isn't common, but nice job on the reality check).

I think jwoody also had a great idea: where are the pictures of your family? Your desk should be full of pictures of loved ones. At least, do you talk about them constantly with Betty so that she knows what a FANTASTIC marriage you have and how much you adore and treasure your wife? Maybe she'd get the idea then, unless you don't want her to get the idea... and if that's the case, I'd really ask yourself why you aren't telling her about your "real" life.

And ratbastid is right on the money: Betty knows EXACTLY what she's doing. Men may be occasionally clueless about feelings and expressing them, but it's a rare female who doesn't know exactly how her behavior is getting into your head (the one on your shoulders, too). In cases like this, never assume the woman is innocent, and also don't assume that your flirtations are innocent... major shit goes down in these days of sexual harassment, so cover your own ass and don't flirt via anything that can be printed. Not to mention your relationship with your wife... would she be hurt knowing that all you think about is screwing your co-worker? That's why I suggested telling her about it... to defuse the power this Betty has over you and bring you back down to reality.

Seriously man, take the safe track on this one and go home and lay your wife good and hard, then talk non-stop about your family with Betty until she leaves you alone.

wwiflyer · 03-10-2005, 12:27 PM

I know much of this has already been at least implied, but you're the boss. It's different between you and a subordinate. What starts as "harmless" can rapidly turn into dangerous. You're in a position of power. The others are right. You say you're happily married. You have two kids. Is "harmless" flirting worth even the risk of losing your wife, your kids, and your job? I can't see how it would be.

And yes, I'm married. And I too am a boss. You need to see that what you've got is good. A little llust isn't worth losing all that. Good luck.

Sweetpea · 03-10-2005, 12:53 PM

Betty = I am 99.9 percent sure she is using the getting the atten. of men as validation and/or enjoys the 'game' so to speak because she knows since your married it won't go anywhere. On the other hand . . .
There are those Woman out there . . . who find it the Biggest Ego High to get a Married Man to cheat on his wife, they accomplish this, they feel powerful . . . and then go on their merry way . . . Betty knows Exactly what she is doing . . .

Fatboss = playing with fire

If you had an open relationship with your wife, i would find this totally acceptable, aka, where you openly flirt and have seperate relationships in addition to your marriage . . . However, since that is Not the case here . . . falls into the 'dangerous cheating land . . . could fuck up your marriage and the life you have built'

By all accounts, this seems like a bad combo in my opinion.

I am inclined to comment that this whole thing really isn't about "betty" . . . but rather about something you feel might be missing in your life . . . Is your passion for life gone? fucking betty a few times isn't going to fix things for you . . . only make them more complicated . . .

You said Fatboss "do I grab the bull by the horns, so to speak and get busy as is the right of all men in a position of power?"

I've never seen a more Archaic statement . . . Abusing your power position to get sex and/or flirt is both immature and unethical, not to mention could get you into serious trouble at your job.

That being said, i am not here to tell you what is right or wrong, nor i am here to judge what i might see as a mistake . . . It's your life to do with as you please.

Sweetpea

AIRIK69 · 03-10-2005, 01:15 PM

Take it from someone who cheated on a girlfriend once - don't do it. The guilt is unbelievable after you do it. I am also married with two kids and I would never do it now.....cheers.

AIRIK69

Suave · 03-10-2005, 03:35 PM

I have to say, when I had just read the first couple of sentences, I thought you were slowly becoming attracted to men. I shall dub it, "sailor syndrome". Anyway, I say "get over it", as you have a family. Or, just before you leave the company, suggest a MFF to her and your wife.

fatboss · 03-11-2005, 01:23 AM

I think there's alot to be said about the fact that I don't have many female friends. Those I have, I have known for many years, so I am comfortable in their presence. Perhaps I need to do something about that.

God almighty, I'm nearly 40 and attractive women still make me feel uncomfortable. Does that mean I feel younger than I actually am or is it just that attractive women know how they affect me and do just that because they can?

I'm still slightly confused but I do know one thing. Betty isn't worth throwing it all away for, that's for certain. But we do have one thing in common. We both hate working at this place so I made a deal with her that we would be each others 'moaning buddies'. That way I still get to talk to her, but now it's about how crap work is and if we want to talk about other stuff that's fine.

ratbastid - I think you're right about her perception of the whole thing. She knows she has a power of sorts over me. But now I know that, I'm cool with it.

jwoody - my desk is full of pics of my boys. And I do talk about them and Mrs. Boss all the time. They are my life so they are what I talk about most, with Betty as well as everyone else.

sweatpea - my comment about being a man in a position of power was a bit tongue-in-cheek. I have been fortunate to have been a manager in various places for most of my career. There's no way I would abuse that position. I'm not that kind of person.

As the title says, I haven't felt this way before, so I needed someone to talk it through with me. Talking to you guys has been the best because you're all totally objective enough to say what you think. If I had spoken to some of my work colleagues, I'm sure a few would have told me to go for it.

Thanks once again for being good listeners and putting my mind at ease. I think I knew all along what I had to do - nothing! - but I needed someone to steer me in the right direction.

Thanks fellow tfp'ers. Next time you're in Sunny Liverpool, drop me a line and we can have a cuppa in my office and I'll show you some pictures of my boys.....and the new picture of Mrs. Fatboss that I'm putting up next week.

Dave.

Hardknock · 03-11-2005, 02:19 AM

Don't fuck up your family man.

03-11-2005, 05:27 AM

Dont do it , it may be the most pleasure you've ever had but then it'll be over and so will your marriage.Its up to you whether a moments pleasure is worth that.

Sticky · 03-11-2005, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sweetpea

I am inclined to comment that this whole thing really isn't about "betty" . . . but rather about something you feel might be missing in your life . . . Is your passion for life gone? fucking betty a few times isn't going to fix things for you . . . only make them more complicated . . .

sweetpea, I think that you are right about a few things
- fucking betty a few times isn't going to fix things for you
- only make them more complicated
- this whole thing really isn't about "betty"

But I don't think that it is about something missing in his life.

I think that it is just a feeling that we all feel sometimes.

I think that we meet someone and we are attracted to them there is this mystery (not the exact word that I am looking for) that goes along with this type of situation. We don't know how they feel about us. Al different thoughts run through your head. You get nervous and excited when you talk or see each other.

It is these feelings that make these type of situation so exciting and make us want to go further or prolong the experience. It's fun, it's exciting, it makes you feel alive.

But remember...

These things happen at the pre-anything stage of relationships. If you can all remember back far enough, it happened with your spouses/SOs in those early stages.
These nervous feelings that cause us to get excited about people and situations are the same feelings that go away as we become comfortable with someone.

Fatboss, you have become comfortable with your wife. Which is good. Your relationship is so much better becuase of it. It is not a shallow flirtatious relationship that while exciting is nothing deeper.
Your relationship with your wife (and ours with all our SOs) goes far beyond that.

The drawback is that becuase we are comfortable it is hard to get that nervous feeling that we get with someone we have not become comfortable with yet.

That is not to say that the experiences we have with our SOs are not exciting, it is just that there is an element of the known that takes the nervous edge off.

It is this nervous edge that makes the situation really exciting. It is these nervous edge that people choose to mistake for something better than they already have. They don't think about the fact that after a few times together this type of excitement will wear off and may be replaced by other awesome feelings but not the ones that are pulling them together at this point in time.

What I am trying to say is that there will always be situations like this. It is the unknown that is making it so exciting and interesting.
So, whether you go ahead with this or not, there will be other Bettys. There wil be other situations where you will be overcome with this feeling of being attracted to somebody.

Just remember, as I said above. You had these feelings for Mrs. Fatboss before she was Mrs. Fatboss. It was becuase of the unknown element that you had these feelings.

You know what you have know with Mrs. Fatboss.

You don't know what you will have with Betty or any other women that you will get into this situation with once the unknown is gone and the comfortability sets in.

What you have with your wife and kids would never be worth risking for anything let alone a Betty.

My two cents. Or $40.00

This did not exactly come out how it is in my head, but I think you get the point.

tooth · 03-11-2005, 08:40 AM

You need to get this girl out of your head. PRONTO!

You may think that the veiled flirting, and the "hide in my office" stuff is harmless. But it can get out of control. It can lead to office gossip. Do you want people at work thinking that there is something going on with you two? No matter how true or untrue gossip is, it can take on a life of its own. And fuck your shit up as bad as if you had actually done something with Betty.

My advice, keep your relationship with Betty on the up-and-up. Cut out the flirting, and the good buddy BS sessions. No matter how good intentioned you are, no good can come of this. JUST STOP!

Sweetpea · 03-11-2005, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fatboss

As the title says, I haven't felt this way before, so I needed someone to talk it through with me. Talking to you guys has been the best because you're all totally objective enough to say what you think. If I had spoken to some of my work colleagues, I'm sure a few would have told me to go for it.

Thanks once again for being good listeners and putting my mind at ease. I think I knew all along what I had to do - nothing! - but I needed someone to steer me in the right direction.

Thanks fellow tfp'ers. Next time you're in Sunny Liverpool, drop me a line and we can have a cuppa in my office and I'll show you some pictures of my boys.....and the new picture of Mrs. Fatboss that I'm putting up next week.

Dave.

Way to go Dave . . .

I think you've made a great/positive decision for your circumstances . . .

Sweetpea

Aladdin Sane · 03-11-2005, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by la petite moi

Take it out your horniness on your wife.

And seriously, try to forget about Betty.

I second this motion.

jhkayakr · 03-11-2005, 07:27 PM

Since your married all you can do is enjoy the view, there is too much at stake to go for it. But you only live once.

joeshoe · 03-11-2005, 08:31 PM

Maybe it would if help if you stopped idealizing her. I'm sure if you concentrated on the more offensive things she's done (e.g. times she's ignored you, etc) then you could shake off your infatuation. But if it's not a big problem, then I guess you can have some fun with the companionship.

EULA · 03-11-2005, 09:48 PM

Ask your wife's permission to bone Betty. If you make it clear that you aren't looking for a relationship, maybe you can make an agreement where you bone her, and when 50 cent comes to town, your wife can bone him.

KinkyKiwi · 03-11-2005, 11:19 PM

EULA...you are trying to be funny right?

EULA · 03-11-2005, 11:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KinkyKiwi

EULA...you are trying to be funny right?

I'm serious. The guy needs to be honest with himself as well as to his wife.

KinkyKiwi · 03-11-2005, 11:26 PM

having sex with someone else even with the wifes permission is a sure fire way to get his nuts glued to the mattress.

not to mention that since its unlikely that "50 cent" is going to be a possible sexual partner that would be absurd for her to agree to..if it were some random guy she knew then..while still not a good idea..would be better..lol tho i doubt he would liek the thought of his wife being with anotehr man

EULA · 03-12-2005, 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KinkyKiwi

having sex with someone else even with the wifes permission is a sure fire way to get his nuts glued to the mattress.

He isn't going to stop thinking about what could have happened with that secretary until he tries to get permission from his wife. The only way to get rid of temptation is to give into it.

Willravel · 03-12-2005, 01:35 PM

I'm sorry about the situation you're in. It's obviously tough. As a married man myself who has been tempted, I have to say hold off indefinitely. There really is no reasonable excuse for cheating. You hjave urges, we all do, but we have to ber the master of those urges. They are not in charge. I don't run people off the road for flipping me off as they cut me off, so you shouldn't cheat. Agreed with above in that you should speak at length with your wife about what lies beneith this. I don't know how you feel about your wife, but you took the vows so you owe her. The biggest factor in this? Your kids. Every big dicision I've made since I was blessed with a child has always been in the best interest (in my opinion) of my daughter. Where we live, how often I work, how often I see certian friends, what church I do or don't go to, and how I act as a whole is entirely based on how I should morally act and that gives my daughter the best example. If you show "Betty" the best night in her life, what kind of a role model will you be for your kids?

03-10-2005, 05:13 AM	#1 (permalink)
fatboss Addict Location: Liverpool, UK	Never had this feeling before I hope someone out there can help me with this. I know I've come to the right place. Please bear with me whilst I get this off my chest. I work in a male dominant industry, so the only female contact I get on a daily basis are the girls that work on the front desk or maybe in accounts. There are women who work 'under' me, but the Print Industry and good looking women don't go hand-in-hand. Me being a bloke, I work on the 'look but don't touch' theory. I am very happily married with 2 boys that are 100 times more handsome than their Dad (have you seen my Avatar?) and up to now I've not had a problem just looking and using my imagination. You know what I mean right? That is up until now. We have a woman that has recently joined us who works in the Front Office. Let's call her Betty to protect the innocent! Betty is 4 years younger than me (I'm 39 this year), she's happily married also with 2 step daughters. I wouldn't say that she is Supermodel material, but you know when you find somebody ball-achingly attractive they don't need to be? Betty is just like that. She's slim, attractive and she has a cleavage I could fall into and die happy! She likes to wear tight-fitting clothes, much to the annoyance of the old hag who works in the office with her! Most days she wears glasses, but some days she wears contacts and I swear I can't concentrate on what I'm doing! I think about her on the way to work, hoping that I can get just 5 minutes to talk to her alone. She is very comfortable in the company of men, I can tell that. But when I try to talk to her I feel like I'm 14 years old and do that stupid nervous laugh. That's how much she affects me, Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Ive ended up sitting next to her at 2 works functions, but I feel like all eyes are on us, waiting to get it over with and pounce on each other. Forgive my brutal honesty, but I would drag her off to the store cupboard and do her some serious damage right now if I knew I could. We flirt like mad with e-mails of a slightly suggestive nature, but again I think the suggestiveness is all in my head and Betty is blisfully unaware of how she is so in my head all the time. So my question (finally!) to my tfp friends is simple. Do I tell her how she makes me feel, just so that I can be honest with her and hope that she respects my honesty, or do I spend the rest of my days here quietly going mad with lust. If I told her all this on my last day here (I'm looking for new opportunities elsewhere) and she feels the same way, I would probably kick myself. Do I need to grow up and get on with my life, or do I grab the bull by the horns, so to speak and get busy as is the right of all men in a position of power? Many Thanks for listening and I really would appreciate any help no matter how trivial you think the advice is. LATEST - As I'm typing the last bit of this she bursts into my office looking like she's about to cry! The old hag in the office has been giving her grief and she'd had enough. I told her that if she wants to escape any time she can come and hide in my office. WHAT AM I DOING ?????? __________________ "never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!" Last edited by fatboss; 03-10-2005 at 05:44 AM..

03-10-2005, 05:28 AM	#3 (permalink)
Furry Crazy Location: UK	Agrees with Forkies' last line You stand to lose a lot more than you might gain. __________________ Furry is the leader of his own cult, the "Furballs of Doom". They sit about chanting "Doom, Doom, Doom". (From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

03-10-2005, 05:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	You just HAVE to have her, eh? You'd do anything to get her? Well here's the #1 thing I think you should do: tell your wife about how you feel. Proceed from there. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-10-2005, 05:49 AM	#6 (permalink)
fatboss Addict Location: Liverpool, UK	Hope you don't think I'm lame but I took that last line out. I don't HAVE to have her. No there's nothing wrong at home. This is why I'm so confused. The only woman who had this effect on me is Mrs. Fatboss. Why do I have Betty in my head so much? Is it because I can't have her? Would I feel better if I told her what she does to me, but if her flame ain't flickering for me, then I happily forget about her being the 'object of my desires'. But then, what if she says there is a certain 'something' there. I'm glad I'm getting this off my chest. Thanks for the swift replies. I knew I would get some sensible advice from you guys __________________ "never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

03-10-2005, 06:50 AM	#10 (permalink)
veruca Psycho Location: 4 privet drive	I think having a fun flirtatious relationship is great, and very healthy. But, if it keeps you from having a healthy relationship with your wife it becomes a problem. unless, your wife is cool with you flirting with other women, I wouldn't tell her and I wouldn't tell your friend about your feelings. You have wayyy to much to lose. The way I see it is you have 2 choices...break it off with your friend if it is becoming too much for you to handle...or just sit back and enjoy the ego boost. I think that the tension flirting builds is more fun than the actual act anyway. __________________ How you turned my world, you precious thing You starve and near exhaust me Everything I've done, I've done for you I move the stars for no one

03-10-2005, 05:24 AM	#2 (permalink)
forkies Tilted	okay, on one had (your post except the last sentence), i want to say "go for it" then, on the other hand (your last sentence), i want to say "get over it" you make your post out to be that you will simply be telling her how you feel. you will finally be honest with her, is your excuse. but, i have a strong feeling that if you tell her how you feel, simply being honest with each other isn't all you will want. don't fuck up your marriage or your kids

03-10-2005, 05:31 AM	#4 (permalink)
raveneye Born Against	I'm with forkies. Bottom line is: is it worth losing your marriage and possibly custody of your sons (don't know how old they are), and perhaps your job as well? If not, get over it, and start thinking about the reasons you feel this way. Something wrong at home?

03-10-2005, 06:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	hmmm.. Well.. Maybe if you just tell her, but be sure to explain, that you never intend to act on it. Explain that you just need to get it off your chest. I might do this by first asking her if you can discuss something completly personal and not business related. It could be a good thing. On the other hand it could make it a very uncomfortable situation if she doesent take well to the way you feel. I agree with everyone else..don't ruin your marriage!!!!!!!

03-10-2005, 06:54 AM	#11 (permalink)
tres Insane Location: Long Island, NY	Another option is to use your fantasies about her, then go home and be with your wife... this way, your not hurting anyone... Maybe Talk your wife into a little roleplaying and ask her to pretend she's a co-worker.

03-10-2005, 07:15 AM	#13 (permalink)
jwoody Shackle Me Not Location: Newcastle - England.	Here's my advice. I think you're only lusting after this woman because she's there. As I'm walking around town I notice many women who I find attractive but, as it's only a passing glance, I soon get over it and move my thoughts on to the next one. Because you're seeing this woman every day your fantasies are becoming more elaborate. It is possible that she is having a similar experience but that's not the point I'm trying to make here. If you were a single man (which you aren't) and she was single woman (which she isn't) I'd still advise you to proceed with extreme caution in any workplace-based romance. If it all goes tits-up you'd still have to face each other every day. Decorate your office with pictures of Mrs. Fatboss, Fatboss Jr. and Fatboss Jr. II

03-10-2005, 08:09 AM	#16 (permalink)
fatboss Addict Location: Liverpool, UK	I'm lovin' you guys Mrs. Fatboss had better watch out when I get home Muchas Gracias Amigos __________________ "never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

03-10-2005, 09:11 AM	#17 (permalink)
Glory's Sun Registered User	My take on it is this... if you have a romp with the co-worker.. I hope it's really good.. good enough to loose your family over.

03-10-2005, 10:34 AM	#19 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Take it out your horniness on your wife. And seriously, try to forget about Betty.

03-10-2005, 11:12 AM	#20 (permalink)
Cimarron29414 Still Free Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!	Fatboss, Is there a risk of sexual harrassment lawsuit if you continue this behavior? You do realize that "emails" = "evidence". I assume at least the latter part of your name is true?...... I also think you need to be honest with yourself. I don't think one can categorize their marriage as "very happily married" in the same post as "I would drag [Betty] off to the store cupboard and do her some serious damage right now if I knew I could". Work on your marriage, you made the commitment and your wife expects you to hold up your end of the bargain. Finally, a word on Betty. Betty is a pain in-the-ass nag, that won't let you pop the cap on your brew after work before starting in on you about the trash and unfolded laundry. She has $23K in credit card debt due to her addiction to expensive shoes. She gets her hair cut once a week for $80 because of her poor self-image issues. Betty has chronic yeast infections that cause intense pain during intercourse preventing her from having sex more than once every 6 months. Betty is histrionic and suffers from extreme paranoia. She creates problems where none exist in order to garner attention. Finally, Betty has a penis - she is a pre-op transsexual lesbian. Hope this helps. __________________ Gives a man a halo, does mead. "Here lies The_Jazz: Killed by an ambitious, sparkly, pink butterfly."

03-10-2005, 12:21 PM	#21 (permalink)
abaya Location: Iceland	Cimarron, you mean Betty's NORMAL?!? (Okay, maybe the transsexual lesbian part isn't common, but nice job on the reality check). I think jwoody also had a great idea: where are the pictures of your family? Your desk should be full of pictures of loved ones. At least, do you talk about them constantly with Betty so that she knows what a FANTASTIC marriage you have and how much you adore and treasure your wife? Maybe she'd get the idea then, unless you don't want her to get the idea... and if that's the case, I'd really ask yourself why you aren't telling her about your "real" life. And ratbastid is right on the money: Betty knows EXACTLY what she's doing. Men may be occasionally clueless about feelings and expressing them, but it's a rare female who doesn't know exactly how her behavior is getting into your head (the one on your shoulders, too). In cases like this, never assume the woman is innocent, and also don't assume that your flirtations are innocent... major shit goes down in these days of sexual harassment, so cover your own ass and don't flirt via anything that can be printed. Not to mention your relationship with your wife... would she be hurt knowing that all you think about is screwing your co-worker? That's why I suggested telling her about it... to defuse the power this Betty has over you and bring you back down to reality. Seriously man, take the safe track on this one and go home and lay your wife good and hard, then talk non-stop about your family with Betty until she leaves you alone. __________________ And think not you can direct the course of Love; for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. --Khalil Gibran

03-10-2005, 12:27 PM	#22 (permalink)
wwiflyer Upright	I know much of this has already been at least implied, but you're the boss. It's different between you and a subordinate. What starts as "harmless" can rapidly turn into dangerous. You're in a position of power. The others are right. You say you're happily married. You have two kids. Is "harmless" flirting worth even the risk of losing your wife, your kids, and your job? I can't see how it would be. And yes, I'm married. And I too am a boss. You need to see that what you've got is good. A little llust isn't worth losing all that. Good luck.

03-10-2005, 12:53 PM	#23 (permalink)
Sweetpea Fade out Location: in love	Betty = I am 99.9 percent sure she is using the getting the atten. of men as validation and/or enjoys the 'game' so to speak because she knows since your married it won't go anywhere. On the other hand . . . There are those Woman out there . . . who find it the Biggest Ego High to get a Married Man to cheat on his wife, they accomplish this, they feel powerful . . . and then go on their merry way . . . Betty knows Exactly what she is doing . . . Fatboss = playing with fire If you had an open relationship with your wife, i would find this totally acceptable, aka, where you openly flirt and have seperate relationships in addition to your marriage . . . However, since that is Not the case here . . . falls into the 'dangerous cheating land . . . could fuck up your marriage and the life you have built' By all accounts, this seems like a bad combo in my opinion. I am inclined to comment that this whole thing really isn't about "betty" . . . but rather about something you feel might be missing in your life . . . Is your passion for life gone? fucking betty a few times isn't going to fix things for you . . . only make them more complicated . . . You said Fatboss "do I grab the bull by the horns, so to speak and get busy as is the right of all men in a position of power?" I've never seen a more Archaic statement . . . Abusing your power position to get sex and/or flirt is both immature and unethical, not to mention could get you into serious trouble at your job. That being said, i am not here to tell you what is right or wrong, nor i am here to judge what i might see as a mistake . . . It's your life to do with as you please. Sweetpea __________________ Having a Pet Will Change Your Life! Looking for a great pet?! Click Here! "I am the Type of Person Who Can Get Away With A lot, Simply Because I Don't Ask Permission for the Privilege of Being Myself"

03-10-2005, 01:15 PM	#24 (permalink)
AIRIK69 Upright	Don't do it!!! Take it from someone who cheated on a girlfriend once - don't do it. The guilt is unbelievable after you do it. I am also married with two kids and I would never do it now.....cheers. AIRIK69

03-10-2005, 03:35 PM	#25 (permalink)
Suave Twitterpated Location: My own little world (also Canada)	I have to say, when I had just read the first couple of sentences, I thought you were slowly becoming attracted to men. I shall dub it, "sailor syndrome". Anyway, I say "get over it", as you have a family. Or, just before you leave the company, suggest a MFF to her and your wife. __________________ "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something." - Plato

03-11-2005, 01:23 AM	#26 (permalink)
fatboss Addict Location: Liverpool, UK	I think there's alot to be said about the fact that I don't have many female friends. Those I have, I have known for many years, so I am comfortable in their presence. Perhaps I need to do something about that. God almighty, I'm nearly 40 and attractive women still make me feel uncomfortable. Does that mean I feel younger than I actually am or is it just that attractive women know how they affect me and do just that because they can? I'm still slightly confused but I do know one thing. Betty isn't worth throwing it all away for, that's for certain. But we do have one thing in common. We both hate working at this place so I made a deal with her that we would be each others 'moaning buddies'. That way I still get to talk to her, but now it's about how crap work is and if we want to talk about other stuff that's fine. ratbastid - I think you're right about her perception of the whole thing. She knows she has a power of sorts over me. But now I know that, I'm cool with it. jwoody - my desk is full of pics of my boys. And I do talk about them and Mrs. Boss all the time. They are my life so they are what I talk about most, with Betty as well as everyone else. sweatpea - my comment about being a man in a position of power was a bit tongue-in-cheek. I have been fortunate to have been a manager in various places for most of my career. There's no way I would abuse that position. I'm not that kind of person. As the title says, I haven't felt this way before, so I needed someone to talk it through with me. Talking to you guys has been the best because you're all totally objective enough to say what you think. If I had spoken to some of my work colleagues, I'm sure a few would have told me to go for it. Thanks once again for being good listeners and putting my mind at ease. I think I knew all along what I had to do - nothing! - but I needed someone to steer me in the right direction. Thanks fellow tfp'ers. Next time you're in Sunny Liverpool, drop me a line and we can have a cuppa in my office and I'll show you some pictures of my boys.....and the new picture of Mrs. Fatboss that I'm putting up next week. Dave. __________________ "never mind that shit........here comes Mongo!"

03-11-2005, 02:19 AM	#27 (permalink)
Hardknock Republican slayer Location: WA	Don't fuck up your family man.

03-11-2005, 05:27 AM	#28 (permalink)
Lin Guest	Dont do it , it may be the most pleasure you've ever had but then it'll be over and so will your marriage.Its up to you whether a moments pleasure is worth that.

03-11-2005, 08:40 AM	#30 (permalink)
tooth Addict	You need to get this girl out of your head. PRONTO! You may think that the veiled flirting, and the "hide in my office" stuff is harmless. But it can get out of control. It can lead to office gossip. Do you want people at work thinking that there is something going on with you two? No matter how true or untrue gossip is, it can take on a life of its own. And fuck your shit up as bad as if you had actually done something with Betty. My advice, keep your relationship with Betty on the up-and-up. Cut out the flirting, and the good buddy BS sessions. No matter how good intentioned you are, no good can come of this. JUST STOP!

03-11-2005, 07:27 PM	#33 (permalink)
jhkayakr Insane Location: under the skirt	Since your married all you can do is enjoy the view, there is too much at stake to go for it. But you only live once. __________________ ........gotta need for speed....

03-11-2005, 08:31 PM	#34 (permalink)
joeshoe Crazy Location: California	Maybe it would if help if you stopped idealizing her. I'm sure if you concentrated on the more offensive things she's done (e.g. times she's ignored you, etc) then you could shake off your infatuation. But if it's not a big problem, then I guess you can have some fun with the companionship.

03-11-2005, 09:48 PM	#35 (permalink)
EULA Crazy Location: Bowling Green, KY	Ask your wife's permission to bone Betty. If you make it clear that you aren't looking for a relationship, maybe you can make an agreement where you bone her, and when 50 cent comes to town, your wife can bone him.

03-11-2005, 11:19 PM	#36 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	EULA...you are trying to be funny right? __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

03-11-2005, 11:26 PM	#38 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	having sex with someone else even with the wifes permission is a sure fire way to get his nuts glued to the mattress. not to mention that since its unlikely that "50 cent" is going to be a possible sexual partner that would be absurd for her to agree to..if it were some random guy she knew then..while still not a good idea..would be better..lol tho i doubt he would liek the thought of his wife being with anotehr man __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

03-12-2005, 01:35 PM	#40 (permalink)
Willravel ... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.	I'm sorry about the situation you're in. It's obviously tough. As a married man myself who has been tempted, I have to say hold off indefinitely. There really is no reasonable excuse for cheating. You hjave urges, we all do, but we have to ber the master of those urges. They are not in charge. I don't run people off the road for flipping me off as they cut me off, so you shouldn't cheat. Agreed with above in that you should speak at length with your wife about what lies beneith this. I don't know how you feel about your wife, but you took the vows so you owe her. The biggest factor in this? Your kids. Every big dicision I've made since I was blessed with a child has always been in the best interest (in my opinion) of my daughter. Where we live, how often I work, how often I see certian friends, what church I do or don't go to, and how I act as a whole is entirely based on how I should morally act and that gives my daughter the best example. If you show "Betty" the best night in her life, what kind of a role model will you be for your kids?