Temporary_User

Ive recently met and dated a girl for a few months now. She is a bit bigger than ideal. I know it bugs her, because she goes to the gym 3 times a week and walks to and from work and Ive even seen some books about weightloss @ her place
I ofcourse would love it if she lost a bit of weight, she is great looking just a few pounds overweight.
The thing is, I took her out to eat a few times and she ate everything off ot the plate! I only ate around 1/2 of my food, while she didnt even have 1 french fry left.
Im not the type of guy who wants a salad-type, but I don't want a pig either.
I did joke about her clearing the plate (not rudely at all) so I don't know if she will do it again or not.
Is there anything I can do to help her lose some weight? I don't want to be selfish, but I wouldnt want to get into a serious relationship and have her let herself go.
any suggestions?

skier

I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of "If you can't see the beauty inside, you don't deserve to have her" kind of responses...

As for myself, if she's fit, a little extra weight is not a problem. You say she goes to the gym 3 times a week, as well as a lot of walking. She does more for her body than 80+% of american people(if that's where you're from). If the only problem you have with her is that she eats what's on her plate, you may be looking too hard for problems. Take her to a restaurant that serves smaller portions.

It just sounds to me that you're taking a small action (eating everything on the plate) and blowing it out of proportion, assuming this broad generalization towards overeating. She works out 3 times a week man! I bet she could beat you in a leg wrestling contest or even maybe arm wrestling.

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uptown

It could possibly be that she views eating out (and the money you spend ) as a treat and she goes ahead and actually eats the food she orders.Better that than a woman who orders and then pushes the food around on the plate!

She might also plan her eating on days when you guys are going out so that she can consume the bulk of her calories at dinner by eating lightly at breakfast and lunch,that's what most women do.

maleficent

How many pounds is a few pounds? And since when does eating everything on her plate equate to being a pig? Did she finish everything on your plate? Finish the plates of all the patrons around you? Order three desserts?

That is how body image issues are formed, by people joking about it and not accepting her as she is. What does it matter to you if she cleans her plate or not? And is you joking about it supposed to make her stop cleaning her plate?

You can't if it's not something she wants to do herself. The only possible thing you could do is plan active rather than sedentary activities for your date.
Boy is that ever a bad choice of words...

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little_tippler

I think you're the one with a problem. I'll clear my plate if the food is good and I'm up for it and I don't care who knows it. I don't see how that makes her a pig. Why would you only eat half of your plate on a nice meal out? Unless the portions are gigantic, I don't see why. Leave her to her devices, if she's careful about exercising and being active, why are you complaining? Do you like her for her or are you already trying to change her? If you didn't like that straight off, why did you start dating her? Usually when you first start seeing someone, you like them as a whole. Small problems come later. Not right at the start. "Oh she's a little overweight for me but what the hell I'll date her". What's up with that. Plus if it's "just a few pounds", can't you get over it? Some people enjoy their food, and as long as they know they can't do that ALL the time, then there's nothing wrong with finding pleasure in the simple things life has to offer.

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Our soul from us is infinitely far.
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Unto our very selves we are abridged
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ruggerp11

Agreed, do you go to the gym three times a week? Do you walk to work? Or, do you just eat half of everything that is given to you? Bad form man, bad form

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Averett

I agree with what mal said, as usual. But I would have said it much meaner, cause I'm mean

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Aladdin Sane

Dude! You really think it's a problem that she cleans her plate?

I was taught that leaving food on my plate is wasteful. Give this girl a break!

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StanT

Real women come in a variety of shapes and sizes. It's very unlikely that a size 0 supermodel is in your future. Get over yourself, your flaws are much greater than hers.

Lockjaw

I won't kick you in the nuts because I've seen this type of behavior before and while the joking might have been a bit harsh I don't think what you prefer is worthy of bashing you over.

If you truly feel she's trying to keep her weight down(face it folks people don't excercise and have weight loss books hanging around just for the hell of it)and you want to help then you need to reasses what you are doing on your dates.

Go work out with her. A lot of the times if somebody has a workout buddy then it will help push them and keep them accountable around that person when they are out for some grub.

Go find a climbing wall for a date, go biking some place, etc...instead of going for a movie.

Find restaurants that serve reasonable portions and healthy food and YOU order something healthy first. If you are ordering the porterhouse and steakfries don't be shocked if she orders the New York strip and baked potato and then finishes it off. She might just like food.

Make small talk about how you are trying to keep in shape and are cutting back on unhealthy food.

That's all you can do. It's up to her at that point to pick up the hint. Give it a few months and if she does then you might have a keeper. If she doesn't and still has the few extra pounds a few months afterwards cut bait and move on if she isn't what you want. It may be shallow to judge somebody based on their weight but most people do it to an extent. If you aren't physically attracted to somebody then you aren't and you shouldn't be made to make apologies for that.

ShaniFaye

Im really glad Dave never says a word about my few extra pounds and loves me the way that I am.

I dont understand how cleaning her plate makes her a pig....I guess if it does than Im a pig too....its not like she sits around eating constantly and doesnt do a thing to burn calories. You've got a girl conciously soing things to better herself and you complain that she cleans her plate? Get real honey, that would be like me saying...geez I cant deal with a person that wastes money by ordering food and only eating half of it and telling him maybe he should order off the kiddie menu and stop being wasteful.

Seriously....you either need to re evalute your priorties, or sit in those resturants wasting your food and waiting for your ideal of "miss perfect".

I dont want to sound mean, but your post sounded very shallow to me.....how would you like it if some girl dumped you because you "might" let yourself go?

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la petite moi

Let me give you a personal example on how 1) eating all her food doesn't mean she's less fit or that she's a pig, and 2) a simple joke can make cause eating/self-esteem problems. I'm 5 foot 3 and 120 pounds about. I never work out, I barely walk (just at college), and I typically finish all my food at restaurants, unless it's bad food. I bet if you saw me, you wouldn't call me a pig because I don't have a 'few extra pounds.' When I read how active your 'girlfriend' is, I thought: That's great, she must really work up an appetite. And that's probably the truth, man.

Also, about number two, my mom used to make fun of what I ate and would tease me about my weight. I soon after became anorexic, and soon to follow, bulimic, and then to follow, binge eating. All from simple comments. Your 'girlfriend' most likely already has self-esteem problems, so ..."if you can't say something nice about her, don't say anything at all."

If you didn't want her eating her food, then don't invite her to a restaurant. Most women don't eat on dates, but I bet when you marry them, they'll eat just like 'a pig'. PS: Eating a GOOD thing.

vanblah

First of all Americans are way too concerned about weight ... both too much and too little. I'm not talking about morbid obesity nor anorexia/bulimia. Those are both serious conditions that need attention.

I'm talking about the few pounds that we have been told we all need to lose. Granted, there are some valid concerns about the overall health of a few pounds but it has more to do with the QUALITY of food rather than the quantity. To be sure though, American restaurant portions are way overboard.

If your girlfriend is truly concerned about her weight then help her by encouraging her to eat better food rather than less food. She already seems to be pretty active from what you have said.

Oh, you might want to cut out the joking. Again, if she is already concerned about her weight then it's not something she probably wants to laugh about ... even if she does laugh at the jokes ... it probably still hurts inside.

tres

I think some of you are looking to closely at certain comments.. I think he's just trying to find a way to help her cause. I've been with a few girls who have "a few extra pounds" and weight is a sensitive subject. I wanted to support her in her cause to lose weight, even though I liked her the way she was. But its a very touchy subject, because men(including myself) find the worst possible thing to say. "I love you no matter what you look like" which would normally be a very loving statemnt..beyond looks...right?? no.... instead its take as... "so you are saying that I AM fat" or something to that effect.

Thes best thing for you to do, is as long as she is being healthy about it, and you honestly don't mind the weight that she is, let her do her thing, and make her decisions and support any healthy ideas that she has. IMO its best not to even touch the weight issue with women.

hambone

Ok, Temp. Everyone is quick to jump down your throat here, which is easy to do.

i am just gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you really want to help her do something that she seems to want to do (i.e works out a lot, has the weight loss books, etc). I think the best advice given so far has been by Lockjaw.

You really should work out with her. You will get to spend more time together and it can be good for both of you. Obviously it is something she likes to do, and I am sure she would enjoy it if you shared that part of her life with her.

She may have eaten all of her food because she is comfortable with you as well. Or she may have just been hungry. She is a very active person it seems and would need the food to keep her going. It is not a bad thing, in my opinion, at all.

As your relationship progresses, you will learn more about her. Maybe she was teased a lot and that is why she works out so much, who knows. Just be there for her. Perfection is not a societal standard. regardless, of what you think your ideal woman is, she may turn out to be perfect for you. I am not saying look past her "flaws", because they aren't flaws. That is who she is. Fall in love with that. Enjoy her. Help her to achieve her goals, whatever they may be.

I think you really care about her and want to do all this. Sorry that people assume you are insensitive to her. Its hard to bring up stuff like this through a textual medium so don't be angry with the responses either. It is just how others viewed your statement.

Best of luck man.

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ShaniFaye

Im sorry but my post had to reflect my disgust at him calling her a pig cause she cleaned her plate.....that was totally uncalled for (IMO) when he'd already said she was exercising and stuff

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

hambone

he didn't call her a pig. He used the 2 extremes:

Ok, I won't defend the guy any more since I also don't know his true feelings, but I just wanted to point out that people can easily miscontrue these things. Like this case, he never once called her a pig, and I personally don't think it was really even implied. he just said the two extremes....

Like I said, hard to say what you mean sometimes when the conversation is not truelly interactive.

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Nothing to cry over"

ShaniFaye

he made a huge deal out of the fact that she ate everything on her plate....then said he didnt want a pig.....I dont see how he could NOT be saying that about her after thoese statements...but hey, if I read it wrong I apologize....but I still dont like him commenting on her cleaning her plate....

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Carno

To lose weight, you have to burn more calories than you take in, ie diet and exercise.

That sentence is completely agenda free, so don't jump down my throat. I only say that because if she's truly serious about losing weight, that's all she needs to know, and if she's still taking in more calories than she's burning, she's not helping herself.

hossified

the finishing the plate is the problem...its what's on the plate that is.....and I seem to have read 'frenchfry'. Weight loss is about 75% diet and 25% acitivity. She doesn't have to eat spoonfuls per meal, but she needs to really watch what she eats. Talk to her about that, and that if she is serious she needs to eat better....otherwise she won't see the gains she COULD see with her current gym routine.

Sweetpea

For the record:
I'm very thin. And i Clean my plate ALL the time Food on plate = Eat

If she wants to lose weight . . . she will. There is really nothing you can do or say . . . just don't make it an issue and she'll do her own thing.

As to your fear of letting herself go . . . she is obviously already adressing being fit, so i would try not to worry about that too much.

so in short. Just date her, have fun, get to know and love her . . . She'll lose the weight or she won't . . . really no impact that you can have there.

peace,

Sweetpea

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Cowman

Working out = nothing, if the diet isn't proper. If she's one of those girls who thinks that going to the gym 3 times a week means she can eat whatever she wants, then I see why this guy would have a problem.

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Val_1

It does sound like SHE is the one that wants to lose weight. So, it sounds to me like you were just helping (or trying to) with the "clean the plate" comment. Losing weight is diet. Excersise helps, but no one can lose weight unless they control their diet. Many folks are not aware of how much they eat. It's an easy thing to lose track of, beacause its habitual. So, my advice, if she really wants to lose weight, is to keep a food journal for a couple of weeks. You CAN NOT fight a problem unless you have the information in front of you. Otherwise you're just guessing. How to bring it up is touchy, though. EVen if meant well, it can come across as rude. I guess I wouldn't make off the cuff remarks while she's eating. Wait until you two are having a conversations ABOUT weight loss. That would be the proper forum to introduce new ideas. If she doensn't want to talk about it, then she probably isn't ready to take in advice anyway. Anyhoo, just my two cents.

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brianna

I agreed with most of the posts here (and like averret i probably would have said maleficent thoughts in a meaner way). Unless this woman asked for your help with losing weight you should stay out of it, it's not your body, it's not your responsibility.

Additionally if you worry about not being willing to continue dating her with a few extra pounds then do the girl a favor and walk out now -- don't go into a relationship with plans to change the other person.

Brooke

Temp - you have a healthy concern, but be very careful that you don't hurt her when you are trying to help her. Instead of watching her eating habits - which are no ones business but hers - think of active things you two can do together that you enjoy.

I would be flattered that a guy took interest in my physical health - but not if it was purely for the asthetic. Be concerned about the whole person - mind - body - and soul, and you might find treasures beyond the outward image.

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Temporary_User

Whoa!
I expected a few bad remarks, there is no way to touch a subject like this and not be labeled an asshole.
I want to clear a few things up though, Ive went on walks w/ her before and am actually meeting her @ work to walk home w/ her today. Her gym is a a female only and she just stops there after work.
the comment that I made was not rude @ all (IMO)
We were at a restaurant and having a few drinks, we were consistent on the drinking, because I was more having conversations and eating inbetween talking than drinking. She would finish her drink and I would have like 1/4 left each time. SO all I said to her was along the lines of geez, whats going on here, I feel bad Im supposed to be the one who out drinks and eats you.
I feel that was more a comment on me, and making me feel less 'manly' because Im not out drinking her @ the time.
Eating everything off of the plate isnt the problem I have w/ her, It's that I believe that diet is just as important as exercise.
I want to help.
I don't know if I am helping her or not, because I normally will comment on how much I like her butt.

I know Im not perfect, I have to have flaws that she wishes I could/will change as well.

Carno

Well here is my advice when dealing with girls: don't ever mention her weight. Don't ever mention anything remotely having to do with her body unless it is a compliment.

If you value your genitals, anyway.

maleficent

It's honestly not your place to help her. If she wants help, she will ask for it.

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Lockjaw

Ok you are at a good start here but I really think you could do some good if you talked her into going to work out with you at a gym were you could both be together. Just spin it off as I want to spend some more time with you.
And I'm just curious...what exactly DID she have to eat?

And in his defense I don't think he's really trying to change her. It's more like encouraging what she is attempting to do but she just might need some more knowledge to accomplish a task. Perfect example of this is my sister. She has weight loss books works out...but she still eats like crap thusly she continuely put on weight. My brother-in-law started working out with her and she's losing weight because she's accountable to someone more than herself. People that struggle with weight sometimes need that additional bit of pressure to get the results they want and many times they will not ask for it. However if it's done in an appropriate manner it's readily accepted.

Seriously man do what you think is right but just a bit of advice if you see her continuely eating poorly and you aren't the reason behind the eating poorly(i.e. you aren't taking her out to eat at places with really unhealthy food or stuffing her full of sweets and crap all the time). Cut bait and move on because no matter how much she is excercising she WILL get bigger than you want to deal with most likely and since you are concernbed about appearances in this manner ending it quickly is the best. Better you move on now than dump out on her after a long term relationship or getting married.

amonkie

There are MANY different ways to interpret the original posting, and it seems many here have done that. I'm going to avoid the comments about piginess and see if I can get the gist of what you're after.

I think I can see where you're comin from in that you're thinking that if she's really trying to lose the weight, you think her eating habits need to not be counterproductive to her working outs, essentially the calore burn intake concept. There are different metabolism cycles for different people, so be wary of equating food intake as too much food - ie Sweetpea's thin but good eater scenario.

If she has mentioned to you any frustration in getting off those last few pesky pounds and asked for advice, this observation is one you have made that be hindering her in her goal, here's a possible suggestion: How about making a date cooking dinner? You can find a recipe for something tasty but healthy. You can determine your portions based on the amount of food you prepare, and can have fun at the same time. I will advise that restaurants are not always a good judge of eating habits, as I know I see them sometimes as my place to splurge, especially if it's food that won't keep well in a doggie bag.

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Nazggul

Take her out to a nicer restaurant. French Fries? Seriously? Try eating healthy and living an active lifestyle, a naturally healthy body will follow. If she doesn't want that lifestyle, then move on because the two of you are not compatible.

You can't change her into your ideal image, if you try, you'll create a living hell for the both of you.

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brianna

How do you know she needs help? How do you even know that she's interested in dieting now? Maybe she bought the diet books in the past and is now perfectly happy with her body. Not all healthy bodies look the same and it's unfair for you to presume that she wants or needs to lose weight. And frankly I would hope that all of us could get past the idea of "needing to lose weight" and focus more on "needing to live a healthier life style."

It's simply not your place to decide (based solely on her appearance) that she needs to lose weight and then try to make decisions about food for her.

pinkie

Bingo!!! And I am not mean.

Sweetpea

You seem to have a good attitude here, we all know that it's hard to convey what you mean in a written medium, which is why most posts (not just yours) can often be viewed from a different perspective you initially meant . . .

Your S.O. will make her own decisons about losing weight and getting fit, just enjoy being with her and be yourself and don't worry so much about the little bit of extra padding . . . is she is planning on losing it . . she will irregaurdless of your input or non-input.
Just be supportive and kind . . . as it seems you have been.

thanks,

Sweetpea

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dlish

hmmm....my SO is a nutirtionist/dietician, so i know a little about this...

i do think that your comments were a bit harsh..and the joking? thats a BIG no no. sarcasm and humour doesnt work in these cases when it comes to self esteem.. it actually works the other way..usually the person becomes paranoid and self concious of eating in front of you..then you'll be left with a closet eater... im sure you rather a woman who ate in front of you rather than behind your back!

as for her apetite...maybe her working out makes her hungry.. i know when i work out i get hungrier... also, metabolism increases with excercise, so its natural to eat more when your excercising.

it may also be shes eating too much of high energy/high carb/high protein /high fat diet....could be lots of things why she doesnt lose weight...

if your really worried about what she eats and why she eats, and you actually talk to her about her weight (no jokes and sarcasm are not a way of talking), then if shes comfortable talking to a proffessional then, maybe see a dietician/nutrtionist.

They are trained to analyze ppl diets and their mentality..most eating disorders are phsychological as well as physiological...so you should take that into consideration...


as a last note, weightloss is basic maths..energy intake should be less than energy output in order to lose wieght...but its not that easy in real life.... as u get lots of differnt issues arising..so theres no one diet or one way of dieting that is the correct one...

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Demeter

When my man treats me to a dinner out, I feel awful leaving food on my plate. After all, someone other than me is paying for it.
However, Temp, if you cannot embrace her for who she is/was/and may be one day...you may not be the man for her. What are you going to do if she puts on 10 pounds?

little_tippler

maybe she's not right for you...or you need to reassess what really matters to you.

__________________
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918

vvveronica

I never had actual weight issues. Im rather small but I am into big men and know the struggle they go thru. I will say the best thing is to decide if you can be happy with her as she is. if you get involved in a relationship based on changing her, it will end badly. You will either force her toward something she is not and she will tire and hate you for it or you will grow more and more angry that she will not change for you.

Cimarron29414

Does the current influence of the Earth's gravitational pull on her body affect your ability to have an erection and/or reach ejaculation with this girl?

If the answer is "no", then the rest is none of your business until SHE involves you.

One of the key laws to a successful relationship: do not create problems where none exist.

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Lockjaw

If he's having these thoughts it's not really accurate to say a problem doesn't exist. The problem might be purely all his but it's a problem none the less and it needs to be addressed in some manner.