Marrek

Ok, about three years ago I ended a year and a half long relationship with a girl I'll call Maria. We were good friends before we started dating, and stayed good friends afterwards. We've gone through our share of relationships since then, but we both agree that we miss being together.

She's been in a relationship for a little over a year with a guy named Michael. Michael and I went to high school together and are friends, to an extent. Early in their relationship he was rather abusive to Maria, to the point that I got involved and was threatening him to leave her alone. He's changed his ways drastically since then, and we're on good terms now, but I still watch him rather closely.

Now recenetly, Maria had a lot of money stolen from her, and has been forced into getting a second job. Her parents won't help her financially at all. She's taking upwards of 20 hours of classes, and works two full time jobs. Mike works midnight shifts, and also has around 16 hours of classes. The only free time Maria has is when she gets off work at around 11 at night, which is right when Mike is going into work. In the past month I think they've seen each other a total of three times, which (in my experience) does not work at ALL for a relationship.

So they've been talking about it a lot lately. And I have, of course, heard stories from both of them. Maria confides everything in me, and Mike talks to me because of that. So last week, Maria calls me and tells me that they've broken up. She calls me more over the next couple days and we have talks about it, and I'm just generally supporting her and being a good friend through it all. We talked about how things were when we were dating, and how much she misses being with me. I, being single for the past year or so, take this to heart, and think that maybe we could try and start dating again. I haven't mentioned this to her yet.

Now since they "broke up," Mike hasn't mentioned it, or Maria, until just an hour or so ago. He got off of work and we talked a bit online before he went to his classes. He tells me that he and Maria decided to just take a break, and that after he talks to her some more, he's sure they're going to stay together until their schedules smooth out and they have more time. He says he's "positive she doesn't want to see other people, and wants to work things out." I find this quite odd too, considering what her and I talked about last week.

Now, I loved this girl, and still do. The only problem is that one of them isn't telling me the truth about them. I don't want to mention what one says to the other, cause I'm not sure who's telling the truth (whether they're broken up like she says, or taking a break like he says). I would love to get back together with her, but I have no idea if I should even mention this to her, let alone try it.

So I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone here have any advice for me in this situation? I really don't want to just walk up to her and say "I love you, let's be together again" if they're trying to work things out. But on the other hand, I don't want her to think I don't care for her and have her think I'm not interested in her, if they actually are broken up. Should I just let things progess normally and base my actions off of that? Should I tell her I love her? Should I tell him she said they're broken up? Ahhhhhhhh, I don't know what to do.

abaya

Marrek, I don't know what to tell you since I've been in the same situation and got stuck, too. However, I learned that it's best not to get involved as deeply as you have... the emotional strings get way too crossed and you make too much of everyone's feelings, including your own.

With all due respect, haven't you been staying so close to Maria not only because you loved her, but because you also wanted to keep your emotional foot in the door in case she wanted you back again? Maybe they're each not telling you something about their relationship, but why should they? You're not telling them the truth about your feelings for her either, are you? Fair's fair; it's their business, after all, and you are still just an accessory to their confusion right now.

Honestly my advice for you right now is to back off and let those two figure it out without getting caught in the middle. Keep your own emotions out of it and let them decide what to do. If Maria decides to stay broken up, then allow her to approach you... don't take advantage of her vulnerable state. Give her distance for now and let her heal properly (have you guys ever truly broken up, emotionally?). And let your friend do the same, if you truly care about both of them and don't want to get mixed up any more than you already are.

And you might just need that distance for your own heart as well...

firestormo

I would leave it alone and stay friends. In my past experiences getting together or back together or what have you with a friends x or current girl even years after they split is a bad thing for all involved.

ironmaiden7o7

This is a tough situation but I would definitely move away and avoid problems. Whenever there is an ex involved, especially if you have a current girlfriend, there will be lots of problems.

Johnny Rotten

I concur with the panel. Unfortunately, your presence confuses things, and there are plenty of fish in the sea who aren't embroiled in a complicated relationship. I recommend taking a break from her while they take a break from each other. You have to let them work this out on their own, and have the emotional strength to politely but firmly keep your distance if and when she comes to you looking for an answer to problems that are between her and her man. Give them the space you would want if you were in his shoes.

evilbeefchan

I agree with abaya about hiding your true feelings. Here's my story: My girlfriend of 2 1/2 years just broke up with me the beginning of this month. We agreed that we should still be good friends no matter what happens. I told her that I was ok, even though I was still very much in love with her. For the first week I made sure to be there when she called, to be the emotional support and blah blah like a friend is supposed to do. But I did that because I was still very much infatuated with her. But then I began to understand that it was over, so I moved on but continued being her friend. Up until last night, when she called me saying that I shouldn't call her anymore, because of what her friends are saying. It didn't make sense, because she told me that she still wanted to be friends, but at the same time I can't call her. I assume she might have a new love interest who doesn't like the idea of her ex still talking to her. I've come to the decision that it's just best to stay out of the whole situation entirely. Even though I may be over her, and that we are "just friends" now, her friends believe that me being her in life is a negative thing. Rather than argue, I stepped out of the whole situation. I think it's best that you take a less active role in their relationship. Let them work out whatever problems they have. I think you've made it clear that you really do care for her, so she won't be confused about that. I'm just as anxious as you are, and I'm just telling you what I've been telling myself.

Ribs

I sort of think you should go for it.

My girlfriend right now was dating one of my really good friends and once she broke up with him me and the girl became really good friends and eventually started dating. He didn't like it and told me if I want to be her boyfriend he doesn't wanna be my friend anymore. I told him its ok and good luck in life (It didnt really go that easy but whatever). I've been with this girl for about 8 months now and I am in love with her now! I couldnt see my life without her. You gotta decide if losing your friend could be worth it, because if you lose the friend and eventually break up with the girl or something, then you have no one. So make sure you do the right choice!

HalcyonDaze

Right now, it's not worth the crap it's gonna bring about. Probably they're both telling you the truth about things--I know from experience that a girl can tell a boy they're "taking a break," but it's really over for good. Your friend probably thinks it's still gonna work out, but the gal has written him off.

However, since he still thinks he has a chance, he's going to be extremely pissed when he finds out that she gave up on him a while ago. And if he finds out that because you and her are together, well... it's gonna be ugly.

Let them have their painful split, they'll hate each other, give 'em a little time, and then if you and she are both still interested, you can move in then.

Marrek

Unfortunately for me their little "break" turned out to be nothing more than a weekend of not talking to each other. Which, coincidentally, happens every other weekend due to their schedules.

I don't know if it was the fact that it was Valentine's day or what, but they did end up having a rather lengthy discussion in which they decided to stay together until their schedules change and they have more time from each other. She's told me that once that happens she's going to make a decision of whether she really wants to stay with him, be single, or try to get back together with me.

In the mean time I've taken your advice evilbeefchan. I've been forcing myself to not care/worry/think about her, and I've been feeling a lot better about the whole situation. Not stressing out over all the details between them has really helped me. I've actually met another girl that I work with who I seem to be hitting it off pretty well with. I told Maria that even if she wants to get back together with me, I'm not going to be available forever. She knows how I feel, and I pretty much put the ball in her court. Only time will tell.

evilbeefchan

Thanks for the update Marrek! It's definetly good to hear that you're doing better. All that unwanted stress just really isn't worth carrying around. For me, I've stopped talking to my ex completely, and although I do still care for her, I feel better knowing that I'm not stuck in a constant stressful situation between her and her friends. I don't know if our friendship will continue, but now that I've been working out, meeting new people, and being one of the guys again, I've stopped worrying so much. I don't want to lose a friend, but I know I can move on no matter what happens.