Sick of my SO playing with me - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Cervantes · 01-29-2005, 03:14 AM

So I've finally found the big glitch in my relationship with my SO.
She has a habbit of playing with my sexual urges. Making advances getting me all worked up but when I try to initiate sex she just says plainly "no I don't feel like it."

She can go a whole day making sexual insinuations, giving me flashes of her clevage and touching my body in a very seductive manner but when we get in bed for the night she just refuses saying "she doesn't feel like it."

On other occations she creeps up to me in bed and starts some heavy groping and kissing but when I try to inintate sex she just laughs and says "no not tonight."

We've never had any real porblems in bed, sex has been in overabundance and always amazing.
The kind of things she does above was the way she acted when she wanted sex. Now she's just playing with me and it's really frustrating.

It seems like it is a game to her, getting me all worked up and then refusing to go all the way. It's not just frustrating but also quiet painfull on an emotional level. I don't know if she does it just for the fun of it or if she has some other reason but it's been like this for a months now and I'm not sure I can stand it anymore.

I feel like a toy, something she plays with for kicks but discards before the games turn serious, and that hurts really bad.

I don't know what to do anymore, I've tried to talk to her about it but she just laughs it off saying it's not her fault I get "in the mood" all the time.

I'm at loss of what else to do, it feels like it has come to the point where it is more cons than pros with the relationship and it is turning unhealthy.

It's one thing that she doesn't feel like having sex it's whole other deal when she goes to great lengths turning me on and then just refuses when it comes to the actual act just because she thinks it's fun.

Anyone have any ideas?

Hardknock · 01-29-2005, 03:23 AM

Is this for real? Really?

There's actually a guy out there who will let his SO keep giving him blue balls on purpose?

Just in case it is, give her a taste of her own medicine. Next time she starts rubbing ytour cock, turn over, shove her hand off whatever. She'll get the message after a couple of days.

scout · 01-29-2005, 03:42 AM

You let her do this to you for months? She only does this to you because you let her. Think about it. Good Luck.

Cervantes · 01-29-2005, 03:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hardknock

Is this for real? Really?

There's actually a guy out there who will let his SO keep giving him blue balls on purpose?

Just in case it is, give her a taste of her own medicine. Next time she starts rubbing ytour cock, turn over, shove her hand off whatever. She'll get the message after a couple of days.

It's not like it's every time, but it started last month after amost a year of frictionfree realtionship. Sometimes we have sex sometimes she refuses.
The relationship has become pretty serious and I don't want to break it off unless there is no other way out of it..

Cervantes · 01-29-2005, 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by scout

You let her do this to you for months? She only does this to you because you let her. Think about it. Good Luck.

How can I not let her, when we do have sex it's amazing but this new game of hers is really disturbing.

bing bing · 01-29-2005, 04:19 AM

Shun her in the same way she shuns you and see if her attitude changes. Rediscover masturbation my friend.

Cervantes · 01-29-2005, 04:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bing bing

Shun her in the same way she shuns you and see if her attitude changes. Rediscover masturbation my friend.

I don't want to make a war out of it I just want it to stop. But maybe this is the only way.

bing bing · 01-29-2005, 05:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cervantes

I don't want to make a war out of it I just want it to stop. But maybe this is the only way.

I’m not saying you have to start a war. She’s playing mind games and they’ll only continue if you allow yourself to be a participant in them.

Holo · 01-29-2005, 06:16 AM

Cancel her Cosmo Subscription.

"How to Gain Control of your Man by Playing with Sex!!!"

Seriously tho I would just talk to her upfront about it. A lot of women don't understand the power of a man's sexuality, and how it impacts their relationships. Many women think that male sexuality is just self-serving pleasure-chasing or worse when it really is a cornerstone to emotional attachement to a person in most men. You play with a man sexually you're playing with emotional fire. Just tell her how this hurts you and make her understand how you're different. Don't make it a Mars-Venus thing, make it personal and tell her it actually hurts you and makes you feel rejected. If she isn't caught in her own bullshit or some issue she hasn't disclosed she should stop her behavior since it's new and shouldn't be too hard to break.

silenced · 01-29-2005, 08:40 AM

next time in the middle of sex, stop, goto the bathroom, shoot it in the toliet and then get back in bed and goto sleep.

skier · 01-29-2005, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Holo

Seriously tho I would just talk to her upfront about it. A lot of women don't understand the power of a man's sexuality, and how it impacts their relationships. Many women think that male sexuality is just self-serving pleasure-chasing or worse when it really is a cornerstone to emotional attachement to a person in most men. You play with a man sexually you're playing with emotional fire. Just tell her how this hurts you and make her understand how you're different. Don't make it a Mars-Venus thing, make it personal and tell her it actually hurts you and makes you feel rejected. If she isn't caught in her own bullshit or some issue she hasn't disclosed she should stop her behavior since it's new and shouldn't be too hard to break.

I totally agree with holo. You're not just starting a relationship or anything, you've been going out a year. By this time you should be upfront and honest with each other. Don't play stupid head games, and especially about sex. Communicate.

One piece of advice i'd like to give though, don't use phrases that "blame" things on her, like "Stop doing _____, you shouldn't do it." Only describe her actions on how they affect you. "When you do _____, I feel like like i'm not being taken seriously, it's like you're playing mind games, and that's hurtful to me."

on the other hand, maybe she doesn't see you as the confident, self-assured man she thought she knew. She would be testing you in the same way, to see how you react. When she teases you during the day, do you change the way you act- stay closer to her, or act needy in some way?

Yakk · 01-29-2005, 09:19 AM

Rather than the above (ie, refuse her advances), why not try a completely different kind of 'turnaround is fair play'?

Tease her. Make playful advances, touch her seductively, flirt, etc. Get her randy.

Just an idea. And the worst thing that happens if you follow it is you get practice turning on your S.O. =p~

chickentribs · 01-29-2005, 09:22 AM

Q: Why was the bride smiling on her wedding day?
A: She knows she has given her last blow job.

Unfortunately, things slow down a bit as a relationship gets older. Maybe she thinks you have quit putting in the effort to be romantic or seduce her - I have heard that from a lot of women friends of mine in relationships (no - not the girls I was dating...) Don't forget that as guys, we are wired with a kick-start when it comes to sex. For lack of a better metaphor, women have the crank engines on the old Model-T's. If you don't put in the time and assume it's on, she may think you don't care as much as you use to, and so she takes back control.

Then again, it's women we are talking about so who the fuck knows. I agree that she needs to know that it's not a game to you, and there is nothing "cute" about rejecting your partner on any kind of regular basis. Go back to the old staples of giving flowers for no reason and try not to take each other for granted.

martinguerre · 01-29-2005, 09:24 AM

i don't reccomend any of this passive agressive stuff, of trying to get her back.

you need a serious sit down talk, when you aren't worked up, but when you can be on an even keel about this all. let her know how it makes you feel...ask her if this is something that turns her on, and work out a schedule of when you two can mutually agree to indulge it (if you so choose). Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Holo is right on...let her know the personal fall out. my guess is that she doesn't quite know her own power. that said...if she does, and she's still choosing to fuck with your mind? Run. It may have been good, but don't tolerate someone who intentionally chooses to hurt you emotionally.

Seaver · 01-29-2005, 10:32 AM

Oh no, passive aggressive is the way to go in this, but you have to do it smartly. Martin said your GF doesnt know her own power, I think that's not true, I think you dont know your own power. It's time to get it back.

I've had 4 girlfriends who tried this. They know I love to tease and be teased, but they took it to the point where all they'd do is tease and then go to bed.... I broke all 4 of them.

For 2 weeks do tease her back. When she's not nessisarily expecting it just grab the back of her head and kiss her for at least 5 seconds, long, passionate kiss. Grab her up and lead her to the bed room, toss her on the bed (women love when men do this from my experience), and keep the passionate kissing, then turn on the tv and lose interest. Do things like this for about 2 weeks, she'll start getting angry at you.

After the 2 weeks you make her dinner, nice chicken and pasta of some sort. Slow dance with her in the living room to some sexy song, dip her real slowly and raise her up like you're going to kiss her at the top, very lightly breath on her lips and back off. Get some massage oils (bath and body works rocks), lay a towel on the floor with some candles nearby. Give her a full body massage avoiding the breasts and naturally, lower regions (with the sexy music on). Do this for at absolute least 15 min. She'll litterally be begging for it. Turn her over, and have the best sex session (oils and candlelight... cant go wrong) you've ever had with her, right there on the floor. Afterwards all you have to say is "lets not put each other through the teasing again".

BAM, she's yours.

martinguerre · 01-29-2005, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by seaver

I broke all 4 of them.

Ugh. Cajoling people in to having sex is not exactly an accomplishment.

Cervantes · 01-29-2005, 11:24 AM

Well I had a long talk with her when she came home this afternoon.

Long story short she didn't like hearing that her new favourite pastime caused me so much pain. At first she was like a child being told she couldn't play with her favourite toy. She just thought it was some kind of joke.
martinguerre I belive you were right, she was pretty much unaware of how it made me feel just thinking it was some kind of game.

I didn't come through to her untill I gave her an ultimatum (I really, really hate doing that but it was the only way I could stop her from going on about how fun she thought it was) and she realized just how serious I was about it, just goes to show that it's not just men that can be oblivious to their partners feelings, so she promised that it wouldn't happend again.

At about an hour later she came and apologized more sincerly *ahem*, it took a while to sink in just how painfull it was to me I guess.
Everything seems (one can never be sure when it comes to women though) to be back to where they were before she started playing with me.
Thanx for convincing me to try and talk to her about it again, it was porbarbly the best way to solve it. Playing games might be fun but it doesn't seem like a good solution to a serious porblem.

chickentribs · 01-29-2005, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cervantes

At about an hour later she came and apologized more sincerly *ahem*, it took a while to sink in just how painfull it was to me I guess.

Who says the TFP isn't a powerful force of good in the world?? Well, smoke 'em if you got 'em! Cheers!

Hardknock · 01-29-2005, 12:49 PM

Glad to see you worked her, or IT out!

guthmund · 01-29-2005, 01:54 PM

Oh my. You had a problem and solved it thorugh conversation? Get out!

You're an adult. You tried the adult thing. Good for you. 90% of the time all your problems can be solved with the phrase, "Hey, I'd really like to talk to you."

Conversation: the choice of conflict resolution for the future. No passive agressive behavior and certainly no 'breaking' required.

Halx · 01-29-2005, 02:11 PM

I got a kick out of reading the off the wall suggestions, but in the end, I too would have definately suggested talking to her. It's a really simple equation: One partner is bugging the other. The other wants to end it. Communication is the only way to solve it. Playing games right back at her will only make things worse.

noodles · 01-29-2005, 02:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Halx

I got a kick out of reading the off the wall suggestions, but in the end, I too would have definately suggested talking to her. It's a really simple equation: One partner is bugging the other. The other wants to end it. Communication is the only way to solve it. Playing games right back at her will only make things worse.

ding ding ding ding
teh winnar is halx

thats exactly how my last relationship went sour, and i'm still unhappy over it. be serious and communicate. if she's not receptive, then do something, whether its ending the relationship or whatever.

pinkie · 01-29-2005, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silenced

next time in the middle of sex, stop, goto the bathroom, shoot it in the toliet and then get back in bed and goto sleep.

Hahaha...

She'd be traumatized...

(go w/ what Halx said)

KungFuGuy · 01-29-2005, 04:40 PM

this was a most informative read. I agree, talking and conversation is the best way to solve problems like this, although in my case it's taking awhile to work it oout.

Seaver · 01-29-2005, 05:32 PM

Quote:

Ugh. Cajoling people in to having sex is not exactly an accomplishment.

It's not cajoling. If you read the rest of my post you'd realize it's poking back with a great make up at the end. She'll get the point, and since she felt how it feels would never do it again.

georges · 01-31-2005, 10:04 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silenced

next time in the middle of sex, stop, goto the bathroom, shoot it in the toliet and then get back in bed and goto sleep.

Haha...don't know why, but that made me laugh so much. Would be a silly thing to do, however I am just imagining the look she'd give. Like on Ricky Gervais' Animals stand up show start, where the woman goes "FUCK ME!" and he, "Can't..... Just wacked one off in there!"

Quote:

Originally Posted by Halx

Playing games right back at her will only make things worse.

On a more serious note, I agree with Halx, it would just escalate the problem and may even cause the end of the relationship which, at a year long, is not a good thing.

skysooner · 01-31-2005, 10:58 AM

This is advice coming from a guy that is having more sex after 13 years of marriage than at any other time in our marriage. Things tend to slow down after awhile. In the beginning of a relationship, sex can be constant, but it does slow down. It may have been a "game" to her, but it also might have been her attempt at trying to say something that she may not fully realize. Women thrive so much on day-to-day affection. All of this touching she was doing just might have been an attempt by her to figure out what she might be feeling she is missing. Just because she can't verbalize it doesn't make it any less real.

What my wife and I do is touch constantly all day when we are around each other. I rub her back, hug her from behind, kiss her neck, etc. It used to be a given that when we had sat with each other watching a show and we had done all of this foreplay just sitting there that we would have sex. This was actually a bad thing as it made sex too predictable. Now we might or might not have sex. However, when we do have sex (usually on the spur of the moment), it is always incredible.

This may or may not be the issue. She might have just wanted to try something new and didn't have a clue how it would affect you. My guess is that it might be a cry for slightly more physical touching (without leading to sex). Luckily this is something you don't necessarily need to talk about. Just try touching her more frequently where it doesn't lead to sex. Frequent displays of affection are also called for. I love you loses impact after awhile but physical displays of affection along with I love you doesn't.

Willravel · 01-31-2005, 11:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by noodles

ding ding ding ding
teh winnar is halx

Hahahaha. Brown noser!

Cervantes · 01-31-2005, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skysooner

My guess is that it might be a cry for slightly more physical touching (without leading to sex). Luckily this is something you don't necessarily need to talk about. Just try touching her more frequently where it doesn't lead to sex. Frequent displays of affection are also called for. I love you loses impact after awhile but physical displays of affection along with I love you doesn't.

Now this deserves some more serious concideration. I thank you for your advice. Things have been slowing down a bit lately. I will definently try this one out.
Thanx again!

Come to think of it I miss that nonsexual intimacy aswell...

thespian86 · 01-31-2005, 02:18 PM

It's just as bad when it's your emotions... Pulling and pushing in any kind of way isn't cool. Tell her what has to happen.

skysooner · 01-31-2005, 02:40 PM

The funny part about the touching thing is that it becomes such a habit after awhile, and it becomes almost a need. When we get angry with each other, the fights lack their former punch as we have this real connection now that might have been lacking a bit. Now we usually blow through the anger and get to discussions much more quicker and thus to makeup sex even faster. There is a lot to be said for the technique when it is backed up by real feeling for your SO.

Cimarron29414 · 01-31-2005, 07:40 PM

I am so pleased to read that you spoke up and discussed this with her. I think that there is real value in what skysooner has offered. Non-sexual touching is a very important part of relationship building. We men usually have trouble in this area and should concentrate on improving.

ironmaiden7o7 · 01-31-2005, 08:09 PM

You definitely need to have a talk with her, what she is doing isn't right. You have feelings also, whether it's physically or emotionally. Maybe she is going through issues of her own, there could be various reasons why she is doing that to you, so you'd have to sit her down and bring it up in a conversation and let her know that she is really affecting you by doing such. Maybe she is just playing around and until you don't tell her that you are bothered by it, she won't really know. Good luck.

Ambiguity · 01-31-2005, 08:51 PM

she's a lesbian.

pules · 02-01-2005, 12:40 AM

Cervantes - You're such a pussy man!!!!

I hope more guys arn't like you. Grow some balls and tell her to fuck off (even though I know you've already done this)

What really pisses me off is "I really, really hate doing that but it was the only way I could stop her from going on about how fun she thought it was" - what is this world coming to when we have to worry about hurting womens feelings????

Why did you let this happen for such a long time? Take control and be a MAN.

Did you ever think about the fact that women want a MAN in their lives and not just some sensitive guy who has no control over the relationship?

I'm glad you did what you did, but why did it have to take you such a long time and for a dozen ppl to tell you this?

You need more of this guy in your life - http://www.fmtalki.com/shows/tomleykis.shtml

Cervantes · 02-01-2005, 03:48 AM

Quote: