7w17ch

ok i know im an idiot so please dont reiterate that point and ill try to be as detailed as possible.

So im working this IT job and this beutiful natural redhed (irish red) same height as i am thin build gets a job in our network operations center. now if you havent been outside in a while its friggin impossible to find an attractive intelligent girl who is also into nerd shit like computers and video games.
now im one who believes in not dipping ones pen in the company ink so i just maintan a friendly relationship with said girl. now bout 3 weeks after she starts i get terminated. (a long story) and i think oh ok its over. and proccede to move on with my life. now heres the kicker. she looks up one of my email addys and emails me. we continue our banter for a while and eventually i coerce her to meet me at a coffee house. we meet and its great total chemistry. now her 21st b-day is coming up and i ask her what she is doing and she says working. so i tell her to meet me out at a bar after her shift. suprisingly she does meet me and another birthday boy. we proccede to get wasted. and then we go and run through some woods and make out for hours (hot) . then back to my place for some naked intamacy. (even hotter)
now the relationship has started quite quickly and eventually if ind out that she was seeing an aquantence of mine up untill about a day or two after she and i hook up. (bad) so effectivly i have "taken" this guy's girl (im not trying to objectify im just trying to explain it) now i understand that she has a free will and all but its disconcerting right? some of my friends do what friends do and warn me that she "constantly has a boyfriend". hrm. but whatever.
now its months later and i get a pleasent phonecall at 8 this morning, she obviously sounds upset and tells me i have mail. the nitty gritty of it is she slept with some guy last night (after telling me the roads were too bad to go out) . WTF? im devistated and doing the best i can not to head out to the first bar i find open. i think i am in love with this girl and i dont know how to handle this. i think im willing to take her back but then i would be an idiot right? im just so confuse and im left with allthis time because she has gone to sleep and will call me when she gets up. im too upset to go back to sleep and i think that writing this post may be teh most productive and least dangerous thing i can do. please advise.

oh as a side note i told her i loved her about a month ago and about a week ago she said she loved me too and that it felt good to say that. i keep hearing those words and it just makes me sicker. i just dont know what to do.

tecoyah

Be an adult.....weigh your options....and realize that she actually TOLD you about it.
Take that for what you will.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

Furry

She told you. She was open about it. Maybe she regrets it and wants to be forgiven?
The idiotic thing would be if you did nothing and let it slip, right? After all, you said that you're willing to take her back.

__________________
Furry is the leader of his own cult, the "Furballs of Doom". They sit about chanting "Doom, Doom, Doom".
(From a random shot in the dark by SirLance)

doncalypso

No offense intended towards you, son... but sounds like you got played big time.

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Doncalypso... the one and only Haitian Sensation

7w17ch

tecoyah: i agree, i am trying to weight things out but as i have learned its difficult to quantify feelings sometimes.

furry: i understand that this sistuation needs to be confronted and however i choose after this decision it must be dropped, not forgotten, but dropped.

don: i think thats the understatement of the year except i guess in the back of my mind i kinda expected it at some point. i mean the way we started dating had suspect elements. i guess thats why im handeling this a lot better than expected. or maybe im just cold.

noodles

on the one hand, she has told you and that in itself means something.

you need to figure out what you want to do, and then sit her down and tell her what you want to do. she broke your trust and you shouldn't just welcome her back with open arms. terms and conditions should probably be set to make sure she knows that she shouldn't be doing this if she wants to be with you.

on the other, the reality of the situation is that she very well may break up with you. doesn't this sound familiar? how did her relationship end with your "acquaintence"? you may need to recognize that this is something that she does or could do and be prepared for it.

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7w17ch

noodles:

yeah im not fully sure i want to take her back she is very convincing but im not sure i can handle the pain/paranoia. if she decides to end it then there is nothing i can do and i am prepaired for this. it just sucks. i think this is the most emo thing i have done in a while but i cant really think of anything else to do while i wait for her to contact me.

i am taking into acount that she did tell me and she does seem somewhat apologetic, i think the burn comes from the fact that she has admitted that she does this in her relationships and doesnt seem like she can/is willing to stop. that is where the problem lies. the question is do i take her flaws and all or do i move on to a relationship that is less likely to hurt me.

Dostoevsky

Dude, she lied to you about not being able to visit you because the roads were too bad then fucked another guy. Lose this girl and don't look back, don't think this won't happen again in the future because it will.

__________________
Pride is the recognition of the fact that you are your own highest value and, like all of man’s values, it has to be earned.


It is not advisable, James, to venture unsolicited opinions. You should spare yourself the embarrassing discovery of their exact value to your listener.

Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

7w17ch

that seems to be my primal urge right now. it would probably reduce the amount of stress i have. unfortunatly my heart tells me that she is a genuinle good person just mixed up. maybe im just too much of a liberal. its just frustrating finding a cool girl that shares the same geeky intrests i do.

noodles

no worries, man. i'm in an emo situation right now, i've considered posting something about it myself.

anyway, its obvious something needs to be done and said, you need to figure out what you want to do. stick with it and push through, or stop now before you get in too deep and you feel even worse if and when it happens again.

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maleficent

She was seeing someone else when she hooked up with you, then you think she's you and she hooks up with someone else?

This girl is not ready for a relationship, she's having her own fun. She may have some regrets after the fact. (She told you she slept with someone else while she was seeing you -- did she have that same conversation with someone else after she hooked up with you?)

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7w17ch

noodles:
it does really break down to those two options doesnt it. oh well at least its a 50/50 heh.

maleficent:
that may be the case, and its probably nieve to think that i can be the one to change that. but i guess thats part of the feminine power over us, we believe that we can be that right one or something like that. im not saying i thought this was going to be perminant, but i tent do favor the we realized that we just arent right for each other type of ending other than the catastrophic breakup with bad blood.

tecoyah

If your feelings dictate taking the risk of further pain.....have a little talk.
If not..................Run.

__________________
Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha

7w17ch

thanks guys, i appreciate all the responses. i think im ready to deal with this head on now. it time t talk with her.

bparker805

Bad advice: Take her back, wait for when "the roads are too bad to go out", find another girl and hit it, then tell her... at least you told her, right?

Just be careful, dude. Love can muddle the rational thought process. You got burned once, shame on her. If you get burned a second time, shame on you...

crony

I've never been in a situation like this, but I think I'd have to agree with Dostoevsky. She's proven twice she's not trustworthy not once, but twice.

slimcr

what happens the next time the roads are bad? hmmmmmm

Hardknock

Once a cheater always a cheater. Kick her ass to the curb. She can't be trusted anymore. She lied about the roads being bad?? That's bullshit man. Nobody held a gun to her head. She knew exactly what she was doing.

Seaver

You knew of once before she had done that. You were a man and accepted it. She did the same thing to you, at this point just drop her and walk away.

She may have a fear of intamacy, she may love attention and be very horny at the same time, then again she may just be a slut. Whatever the cause it's not your problem anymore. She decided her own wants were greater than you. Drop her and walk away.

zen_tom

let her go and she'll be with someone else within a week

you are less important to her than she is to you

try to put less importance in your feelings for her - if you enjoy one another's company then fine, continue to see her, but don't expect anything romantic, and don't let yourself make any mental or emotional commitments

she's shown you the way she thinks, it's up to you to adjust yourself, adjust the relationship, or wipe your hands clean and say goodbye

no matter how much love you give her will stop her from being mixed up, but if you want a normal healthy relationship with someone, you should let this one go

Manic_Skafe

First and foremost before anything else is your saftey - get yourself tested. If she makes a habit out of these things then she's opened herself up (pardon the pun) to a number of different risks.

I've always been a believer in the idea that if a person will cheat to be with you then they'll probably end up cheating on you. You should be glad that things weren't really cemented and that you found out about this before things were much further on. It really could be a lot worse.

Make sure you're healthy and then deal with the heartbreak. Sounds to me like you need a nice and normal relationship with someone else.

__________________
"Porn is a zoo of exotic animals that becomes boring upon ownership." -Nersesian

drakers

It seems to me that your judging your decision on staying with her mostly on the fact that she is hot and you don't think that you'll ever get to have a chance at a hot girl again. I've said it before her at the TF beauty is only skin deep and if she cheated on you a week after she told you she loved you, obviously she said in the heat of the moment. Let her go and don't start going in circles just because she is hot. Let us know what you do. Were here to give advice and listen (mostly listen because we can't make you do anything, that's life).

cowgirl02

Let her go. Yah you may love her, but the best thing is to just step back and let it go. You WILL find a girl thats right for you and wont cheat on you but if you go back to her now she will think that since you took her back once, if she does it again you will take her back again and thats not right. Good Luck

Hard8s

Dude, here is the perfect chance to change the relationship. If you don't trust her (which is how its begining to sound) but you still want to sleep with her, just have a talk with her that you don't want the "I love you stuff" but you still want the "I lust for you stuff". In other words now you can be "fuck buddies" if you want it. It sound slike this girl does not want a committed relationship but likes the sex part. Play right into that. this allows you to hang with her but if YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE, your free to go after it. Still sucks losing a relationship you had, and were looking forward to, but it doesn't sound like she does. So change it to your advantage.

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If ignorance is bliss, then wipe this smile off my face!

7w17ch

i went and saw her this afternoon. i got a lot of answers, not that i really wanted to know but i got a decent amount of detail. im still confused. i do care but the more i think the harder it is to think that i can go back to a trusting relationship. it sucks cus we shared a lot of interests. its rare for someone to understand my sence of humor and not flee as soon as i start talking puters. im giving this some time for me to hash out whats going on in my head, i just cant wrap my brain around this right now. i talked with a buddy of mine who had this happen to and he reccomended that i just leave her at the curb but if im not i should firmly establish what our relationship is/means. as a side not i have not hit the bottle like the pattern would suggest. my friends didn sit me down and get me high enough to stop trembling so i think im gonna be ok. i know my biggest hurdle will be my trust issues now.


p.s. yes i know im a fool.

p.p.s. johnny cash is definatly the artist of the hour for me.

tooth

Sounds like this girl has a serious "love 'em and leave 'em" pattern. Jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend. You are in for a world of hurt if you think that is going to change.

As hard as it is to wrap your head around right now, this is not the girl for you. You'll find the right girl, keep you head up.

c172g

Been through this one before. See quote above. When you think about getting back together with her, see quote above. After you go two weeks without having sex with anyone & think about calling her, see quote above. Don't think for a minute you would ever be happy with someone who did this to you. I tried and know many who have, but it just doesn't work. Every time you're in the sack with her guess what's going to pop into your mind (besides the obvious)? Her nailing another guy while you watched the snow fall.

Run Forrest, RUN!

slant eyes

i feel you man, i really do. ex and i broke up some time but we kept in touch. i caught her lying to me about hanging out with some married guy and ever since that, i've been having thoughts about her lying to me again.

in your case, would you be able to leave her alone for a night without freaking out? what if job takes you/her out of town for a week? what then?

is this agony worth it? i used to think i'd never find someone like my ex again. made gettin over her that much harder. now i've come to realize that there are far too many people out there to think that way.

good luck. hope all ends well for you.

__________________
no man or woman is worth your tears - and the one who is, won't make you cry

question authority, don't ask why, just do it!

7w17ch

i still feel sick about the whole deal but i also realize that this is what happens when i begin to "love" someone, (or whatever) i end up exposing yourself to this. now i get to contemplate things, which sometimes brings more hurt than the actual event but is neccsary.
i cannot believe that cheaters cannot change because i *shock* was a cheater too, i realized that if i didnt care enough about someone to go behind their back i really didnt care about them or their feelings. cheez right, wrong. i confessed and had to look my girlfriend at the time what i did. i got dumped as i deserved. but i think that look in her eyes will never leave me. i guess i could thank her for that someday... i guess what im saying is that i believe that people change. if not life would be rather tragic, and would give into the theory of fate. and i dont think i can believe in that.
i would like to point out that i do not neccessarily believe that she is going to suddenly have an epiphany. im not that nieve. i do think the best advice is to take my time with my decision. being rash would be unfortunate, but if i still feel like i got kicked in teh somach and my face is still numb soon im going to have to do something.
as a side not i have been primarily sober throught this little ordeal and im kinda suprised/impressed. i havent even picked up smoking again. A+ me.

lastly i wanted to thank you all for your advice.

noodles

first, shame on you for cheating. boo. i'm glad that look stuck with you. i'm also glad for you if you've really changed.

but not everyone changes. if it was a one time deal, sure. but she did it to you AND the guy before you. how many other times has she done it? whats the point, man.

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Hardknock

Dump her. She's a cheat. She did it to the guy before you and eventulally she'll do it to you too.

Wait, she already has

Grow a pair and dump the bitch.

Suave

If you can't handle her cheating on you again, dump her. If you're willing to bear it, then go along with it. It does seem pretty likely that she'll cheat on you again, but that doesn't mean it's not necessarily worth a shot (as long as you can take the consequences).

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"Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." - Albert Einstein

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