Sex with a new person
 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years and I was wondering when the time came to be with someone else how to get over the nervousness. The thought of having sex with someone else right now kinda freaks me out and i'm wondering how long this feeling will last. He wasn't the only person I've been with, but definately the most recent for the longest period of time, so any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I should just go celibate for a while? But I don't think I'd have the strength... :) Oh, and on a side note, what about having a fuck buddy? I've never really gotten to experience that so I want to hear some stories about it working out or not working out and why. Thanks guys :)

Alcohol... It's a son-of-a-bitch, y'all. ;)

yeah you might wanna have just a couple of drinks (maybe a wine or 2) to take away the anxiety before you hit the bedroom. Just remember though, the more you think about it, the less enjoyable you will be and the more nervous you will be.

For me sex with a new person is not the best, because I have to wear a condom and I can NEVER finish in a condom, plus you dont know what the other person likes/dislikes and even if you communicate with them you still won't learn too much about what they do and do not like.

When you are ready for the next relationship, you will know, even if it is a "just benefits" type of relationship. You are coming out of a long term relationship, spend some time getting to know yourself as a single person, and find out what StormBerlin is all about.

I wouldn't jump into another relationship right away, but don't also lock yourself away in your new apartment, go out with your friends, meet people, have some fun, enjoy your life.

The thought crossed my mind Pinkie (and everyone else :)), but I don't really want my inhibitions lowered, I want to make sure i'm in full control and can enjoy the situation :)

I don't want to jump into a new relationship yet, but I do want to be able to go out and have a good time when i feel like it :) Trust me, i'm not locking my self in my apartment, in fact my cat is starting to get pissy because she's constantly home alone :)

http://www.artistdirect.com/Images/S...36276b4tgy.jpg
Sorry for the off topic, but am I right?

Anyway, I would recommend trying the single lifestyle, no fuck buddy to complicate things. I am just out of like almost 10 years without being single, between a couple different women, and it is nice to remember who I am by myself again. Quite liberating.

Send yourself to my place, and I'll get you nice and relaxed. ;)

Don't have sex with someone until you're ready to. If you need to drink in order to hit the sheets with someone then you probably shouldn't be doing it, you have inhibitions for a reason. If you need the sex but aren't ready for a relationship, I think a fuck buddy can work, but it should be somebody you already know and trust, not some grimy dude. Good luck with that, apparently it's a good time to be a single male in Salt Lake City :)

Take it from a guy who grew up there: it's always a good time to be a single male in Salt Lake City. The women there are GORGEOUS. Unfortunately they also tend to be Mormon and conservative... But that's okay. Mormon girls are kinda like Catholic girls. Virgin on the outside, whore underneath. :thumbsup:

StormBerlin: This is really simple. You know why you're uncomfortable about it right now? Because you're uncomfortable about it right now. When you're not uncomfortable about it anymore, you won't be uncomfortable about it anymore. Stop worrying about where you're at. Where you're at is where you're at, and that's it. There's nowhere you should be about it.

when it happens you'll be nervous. And then you won't be. And then it's done. It's possible to love someone else. Although it sucks to say it when you're not ready.

Of course. :D

When the time comes, you'll be fine. The body doesn't forget what it likes. I was nervous after my divorce, and I felt overwhelmed when I started dating again. But you'll get into the swing of things just fine. Just don't rush into it.
As for the fuck buddy, just make sure that you'll be able to handle it. After being in a committed relationship, it might be hard to turn off the emotion.

I'll be your fuck buddy.

StormBerlin - Time will make the situation right. I would start to pay attention to the people around you - if you've been in a committed relationship for a while - people that know you would have been aware of that. Now that you will be more available, emotionally and otherwise, folks will notice. I'd bet you'll meet someone interesting and unexpected - and your concerns will melt away.

As for the fuck-buddy, from the dudes perspective, I am big fan. Some of my most cherished experiences were engendered from this venue ...

If you are considering fucking a stranger, or a short-time acquaintance, or a male buddy, then you will probably have to live with being nervous. On the other hand, if you plan to get to know someone well before jumping in the sack, maybe you'll be less nervous.

It's nice to have a drink or two to take the edge off, but I wouldn't advise getting shit-faced. You need to be in full control of yourself.

Out of curiousity, how did you get over the nervousness in the beginning with the guy you recently broke up with?

Um...I hate to call you out on this in public, hon, but I find this a little offensive. And I'm neither Catholic nor Mormon. And I love you, but WOW...talk about a blanket statement.

Honestly, everyone has said all of things that I would have said. So, the only statement of substance that I can add is that you have a cute butt. Sorry, wish I could be more helpful.

i dont and never thought fuck buddy's were a good idea. i never personally had one myself, but i just know that the sex wouldn't be as heartfelt and meaningful. i'm just emotional though, when it comes to sex. i don't like to give myself to just anyone... it has to mean something.
it might be awhile before you can find yourself comfortable with someone else because you were with your guy for so long, but when you find that someone, you'll know it, and it will be right. wait it out, then i'm sure you'll find the comfort of a new man exciting, not scary.

Actually, it was so long ago that I really can't remember. I think alcohol was involved, but I really don't know for sure. I was so young that I don't really think I was that nervous to begin with.

i'll back you on that. pined for a year...and there was NO whore on the inside. which is all for the best...we're great friends now.


back to topic...

don't be in a hurry. there's no reason something has to happen tonight, or tomorrow or whatever. learn to know when you're ready for something new...

Back in college I had a fuck buddy for awhile. We were pretty good friends, lonely and really horny so we had fun. It was good while we were still "meeting" but she got really queer once I started dating a girl a bit more serious (we had stopped our "meetings" by then). I found out later that she harbored feelings for me and after that, though she would always say otherwise, it felt as if she held a grudge against me. I could only tell in random off comments and tone of voice. Since college our once good friendship has fallen apart.

My advice: Fuck buddies are fun, you get to have sex without the pressure of a relationship. However, make it with a friend thats good enough you can feel comfortable around, but not so good that you would not want to lose.

in my situation i had a fuck buddy who was more of an aquatance then a friend. pretty much the only time we saw each other was when we had/have sex (which isnt that great, but differnet story). this way its easy to say no i dont want to see you and you dont have to worry about carrying on the friend phasard (sp).

Well, I think the thing to do is to pick someone who's mature enough to understand that first-time sex might be awkward and not the best. You can talk about it with them ahead of time, too. It doesn't have to be a sit-down-and-get-serious kind of talk, just mention it and clear the air about that, then you'll feel less of an expectation. Unless, of course, they say, "What do you mean the first time might not be perfect? I expect you to be the best I've ever had, right away!" In which case that would be your cue to leave. :)

What's the rush of having sex with someone else if you just recently ended a long-term relationship? I know the feeling you're talking about, and the best time to have sex with someone else is when you stop feeling that way. Trying to bring it about that way with alcohol is more likely to generate regrets than a sense of moving on... Just, don't try and rush yourself into anything, let things progress naturally.

and digme: if you have nothing to contribute to the conversation, excuse yourself from it.

I agree with the feeling that if you're still uncomfortable, you're just not ready yet, but don't worry about it too much. You'll get over that at some point, probably not too far off in the future. And trust me, you'll be happier if you waited until you were comfortable than tried to artificially make yourself comfortable with it.

As for fuck buddies...well, it depends entirely on the person, I think. They can be an all right outlet if it's with someone who can handle the situation (and you can), but it can be a real headache and drama if it's not. And the latter situation just isn't worth it.

Ha! I thought of something to offer. I can't remember the comedian, but it went something like this:

Have you ever watched National Geographic and seen lions getting it on. He's hopped up on her back humping away. She's turning around panting and starling at him in the "come on baby, do that thing!" attitude. Now, I ask you: Do you think what's going through her mind is "I wonder if he thinks my ass is big?"

My point is that, at the time you decide you want to have sex with someone, you shouldn't be nervous. Your presence on this board and the quality of your contribution implies an open sexual attitude. Furthermore, this could be extrapolated to mean you are most likely "good in bed".

So, when you want to have sex with the next person everything is already in place for you: you know you are good at it and that you are going to have a good time - so free your mind and let yourself have the good time you deserve.

As for a fuck buddy, I have always avoided this. By nature, humans are relationship creatures. Having a fuck buddy means investing some amount of time and energy in a "relationship" with very little chance for a future. That time and energy would be better spent healing and preparing for the next good thing that WILL come along. A fuck buddy would just be a distraction from this process.

VERY well said!! i concur :thumbsup:

Fuck one, fuck all, but make sure you wrap it up. Is that a picture of your ass in your icon? WOW!

thanks so much. That is one of the things I needed to hear right now, because that is the main reason that I feel self conscious about the whole thing.

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I don't believe having a fuck-buddy works out, but I have no experience to speak from. If I were you just take your time and get used to being single.

So, I am pushing this back to the top of the list so that we can get an update.

Are you still in a holding pattern?

While this is up here... It seems like you knew what you wanted from the beginning.

In any case, I've had many fuck-buddies. Some work out well, some don't. An important part of it is establishing what you both want in the beginning and defining the bounds of your relationship. Could it ever be serious? Do both of you know how long you could possibly want to last? Are you going to be having sex with other people as well? You want to make sure you get those type of questions out there. I had good friend of mine that I was sleeping with back when I was 16 (she was 17) and she ended up getting attached, but I told her in advance that I wasn't going to have a serious relationship with her so she didn't take it badly and there were no hard feelings.