this looks like it could be it's own thread to discuss uptown . . . i bet it would manifest into an interesting dicussion . . . you should start a thread on it ...

I've never never never understood people cheating on their spouses/SOs. Everyone has urges, the only difference is whether or not you control them. I was married for 10 years. Been tempted many times, had womeon come on to me many times. Had the oppurtunity many times. I never once cheated.

I just had this conversation with a (not too close) friend in the bar last weekend. I couldn't believe his stance of "just make sure you don't get caught". I thought he was joking at first. When I found out he wasn't, I confronted him, thinking he would back down on his from his infidelity stance. He didn't. He was completely serious and very firm on his stance.

Keeping that in mind, I'm completely open to anything that people choose to do with their relationships as long as everying one involved is cool with it. Swinging is fine. Doing it behind your SOs back is not. So, in short, my big peeve is dishonesty.

I've never cheated and to the best of my knowledge I have never been cheated on but still I'm not going to answer because I think it depends on the relationship. if the relationship is heading downhill, and it was presented to me than maybe. it could be somewhat of a tester for the relationship i suppose. currently I think cheating is horribly wrong, but who knows when the situation is presented. for me there is a hell of a lot weighing on the decsion and I hope its the same way for other people.

you summed up what i think very well Val_1 . . . if you're being honest . . . anything goes . . . it's dishonesty and hiding and going behind your SO's back that constitues cheating . . . And if you can't be honest with your SO . . . then find an SO that accepts who you are and that you CAN be honest with . . . .

Never cheated, never going to cheat, I don't care what the situation is. Cheating shows an extreme lack of respect for the other person in the relationship. When you cheat on your SO your showing that you have no respect for them at all, and I mean none, you have more respect for a stranger on the street than you do for your SO if you cheat on them. And since I would never be in a relationship with someone that I have no respect for, I will never cheat, If I felt I needed to cheat, then I would break up with who ever I was with at the time or I would sit down with them and have a long talk about what is wrong with the relationship, because the need to cheat would be the largest indicator in the world that the relationship was not working.

No fucking way.

wow, that's a question for u?

i would never. i want to hook up with other chicks then i just break up.

Hmmm... this topic really got me thinking past my knee jerk response of no, of course I'd never cheat.

I know so many people who report either non-existant or really dull, boring sex lives with their spouses. Yet, if anybody cheated there'd be hell to pay. To me it begs the question of, if you don't want or desire your spouse, why should they be forced to just sit there and quietly wither away?

It kinda reminds me of kids that have an old favorite toy that they've outgrown or have no interest in, they no longer play with the toy but they'll throw a fit if mom goes to give it to another kid to play with.

Are our spouses's like toys ? We no longer want em but we'll throw a fit if somebody else does ?

If I was serious about the relationship, then definitely not. If I was in a relationship that I was thinking about getting out of, then yes, I would.

If you cheat, you have to live with the consequences. You will always know that you screwed over the one you loved. There is no excuse for infidelity. If you want to sow your wild oats do the right thing & end the relationship.

No. I've seen the devastating effects on relationships. It's not a way out. Its never a solution.

That scares me.

But no...I still would never cheat. I've been tempted, just because my nuts weighed a ton, but still never did. If I seriously was thinking about it, I would let my girl know (which would probably be a big mistake).

Cheating is possibly the most disrespectful, dishonest, dirty, low-down, bullshit, cowardly thing anyone could ever do in my mind. Intoxication is no excuse either. Sure, alcohol impairs your judgement, but it doesnt prevent it. If you think perhaps cheating is a good idea when you're drunk, then you obviously arent too far away from it when you're sober if alchohol pushes you over the edge.

Never would I cheat on someone. No matter the situation.

once a cheater, always a cheater. Whether you do it again or not, you will be labeled. I could never gain the respect of another woman again. But that doesn't even take into account the fact that I could never hurt my gf anyway. So obviously, I said no.

No way people. My wife has told me she would kick my ass, hands down and understandably.

absolutely not. I couldn't do it. I could never hurt my future wife like that.

Honestly, I just don't know. I'd like to say I wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, I love her more than anything, but I'm not perfect. Might I give into temptation if I was fairly sure she wouldn't find out, and it was a great moment with a great girl? I would hope not, but I can't say for sure. I am pretty sure I wouldn't tell her though. If I succumbed to temptation, I would feel very guilty and I don't think me telling her (if thats the only way she'd find out) would do any good.

I've been in the same boat as I would never cheat but... We have been together for almost 5 years, I've been seriously tempted three other times in our relationship. All with women I've worked with. They all knew I had a girlfriend and just wanted sex I suppose. But I turned them down and moved on to other jobs etc.. Just the other night I met another women at the store who approached me and gave me her number. Physically she reminds me of what my girlfriend looked like when we first met. <Which sounds pretty immature I guess> The number sits in my car tempting me everytime I get in, I've been going back and forth for the last couple nights..should I call..throw it away.. I work graveyards so I'm out all night when I get home in the morning I see my GF sleeping she looks so peaceful and extreme feelings of guilt wash over me. I don't know if I could imagine how I would feel it I actually called and hooked up with this girl along with the feeling paranoid that something could go wrong. So I guess would I cheat? Well I have to say no but it is a grey area who knows what will happen in the future..

UGH! the opportunity?? don't we ALWAYS have that choice. its pretty much, free will. and my answer would be no.
speaking from personal expierence, i've cheated before, and it only made things worse within my relationship. I don't know why I believed that it would make things different or better or whatever... but i have a conscience and it just ate away at me... even though the dude was treating me like total shit. i still felt bad. looking back, it was just acting out on a lustfully sexual impulse driven by purely nothing. it was almost, pointless on all accounts.
I would NEVER do it again. It does nothing for me or anyone else. I vowed to myself, after me and the ex broke up (not because of my unfaithful ways) I would never do it again. I couldn't dream of doing it EVER again.

We all can cheat, but it's turning it down that makes you feel good. :thumbsup:

Nope, never would.

Even though my wife and I have an open marriage. We do have strict rules. Breaking these rules constitutes cheating. And the end of the marriage. So. No. I have a great wife. And a great life. I'm not going to mess it up. For a little sex (that I could get if I follow the rules)

I'm suprised nobody has defined "cheating", because I am sure that there are a number different ideas in everybody's heads that have posted. Intercourse, oral sex, spending a night w/ no sex, making out, developing a relationship on the web, flirting at work, appt at a massage parlour, masterbating thinking of someone else or using a Playboy... Some of you who have said NEVER may have very well already cheated based on another's interpretation.

I guess my point is simply don't judge others with "lowest of the low" or "once a cheater always a cheater" type statements. Anybody who has figured out all the curves life will throw at them - feel free to shush me. But the statistics show that well over 50% do cheat, including parents, friends, and pastors. They can't all be scum. I bet some even have a pretty good reason for their actions.

And to answer the question: I haven't. Not because of my SO, it's just been my decision to not look in the mirror at that guy. Makes me feel morally superior for now. I have been cheated on, twice actually, and neither time did it devastate me like I have read here, because they didn't take anything from me. I was still the same person, it is their own demon to carry in themselves. It's just sex, and their are a lot of other parts to your relationship that are years in the making as opposed to 20 minutes and a bad decision.

Sorry - it got preachy.

I think the general agreement (and I might be wrong) at the TFP is that cheating is doing anything that you wouldn't want your partner to know about, or that you keep from them because you know they wouldn't like it, or because you're not sure how they'd react. Basically doing anything with another person, it doesn't have to be sexual, so it could be going out for dinner with someone, and choosing not to tell your partner because they might not like it.

Obviously people with open relationships or who have agreed on their own rules and boundaries can do things that people in more traditional relationships can't.

To not cheat is to fight many thousands of years of evolutionary progress.

To quote Dawkin's "Persons are designed to engage in behaviors that ultimately make for the replication of the genes that determine their design". For men, that equates to a disposition of promiscuity. Not that I’m saying it's necessarily a bad thing from an evolutionary perspective. Cheating makes you nothing more than human.

No way I'd ever cheat. Although we do have a standing agreement that if the opportunity ever arises - she can sleep with Johnny Depp and I can sleep with Kiera Knightly... so it's mutual~

It all very well saying "no". I thought that. I had been seeing a girl, Anna, for 8 months before I went travelling to Australia by myself. I only went away for 7 weeks and I practically called her every other day (cost a fortune). I was doing really well. I really missed her. Went out loads and drunk loads but I resisted any female advances.

I met up with a female friend, Victoria, in Sydney from whom I knew from uni. Incidently, if it wasn't for her I would not of met Anna, she was a friend of a friend thru Victoria. Anyhow, we went out in Syndey for a few drinks with Victoria and her housemate, Anita. Anita and I instantly clicked and kissed and later had sex. Although, however much I liked Anita, I knew nothing would ever come of it because I was going back to England 7 days later and she was 7 years older, and I still liked Anna. Call me a bastard for cheating. I do regret what I did to Anna. To this day she does not know, even though we split up about a month ago. I had all the best intentions of NOT cheating, but things happened.

I could never cheat on my SO. If I ever feel the urge to cheat, then I believe it is time to reevaluate our relationship.

I have cheated. and have been cheated on in the past. Nothing makes it ok.

And cheating is in my mind anything that you would not a) want them to find out about! b) anything that is clearly a violation of the relationship.

I can say all I want to say about never doing it again but ultimately none of you will understand what the poeple have gone through to get the point of realizing the affects it has.
Each situation is different as the people are always different. there is no exact same situation because there is no exact same people out there. I made a mistake that i will have to live with the rest of my life. And the person who cheated on me the same.

That in itself regulates to me making the decision of importance.
If I am ever to be in a relationship where there is a commitment again. I will make it the important decision that I will not put anything above that relationship.

I voted no. its just isn't worth it.

As I'm in an open relationship I "cheat" all the time. However I'd never do it without telling Loverboy about it as we've promised not to keep any secrets when it comes to who we fuck.

Not to cheat..ever...period...I could never do it...guilt is stronger than lust for one..but thats not the only reason.

Asta!!

I spent a year in Korea and didn't cheat on my wife, even though I had "the permission".

Before even addressing the moral question, cheating is just stupid. If you're happy in a relationship, don't cheat. If you're not happy, get out of the relationship.

Cheating is for losers, people who aren't happy with their situation, but don't have the balls to change it. Either shit or get off the pot.

And what is there to gain? All you'll do is make yourself, your partner and often the other party feel lousy. Even if it does result in a relationship with said other party, the whole thing is going to be stigmatised by the way it started.

As for it being natural, that depends exactly what you mean. It occurs in nature and because of human nature, but it's no more a beneficial trait than overeating. Pain is nature's way of telling us not to do that. If we were supposed cheat, it wouldn't hurt so much. Promiscuity is fine in a promiscuous society, but in an agricultural society with surplus resources - which is where all of us in internet land live - your genes are much more likely to be selected if you choose a partner well, stay faithful to them and make sure that your children are well raised, well-adjusted and well provided for.

I really respect and admire the integrity represented by so many who have responded to this post ...

but for my money, the most wisdom filled and honest response - and one that resonnates with me - is the post that Sexy Mama shared ...

and that's coming from a guy in a 20 yr marriage with 8 kids ... :thumbsup:

I couldn't hurt my wife like that. I love her too much, when I said my vows, I was serious. I never have nor will I ever cheat.

No way, its like a betrayal of trust, i wouldn't be able to look them in the eyes after i did something like that

Not necessarily true my friend... As I said in the topic "Virginity is a lie created to suppress female sexuality"...

"I not long ago was in a class discussing ecology, particularly sexual selection. You will notice that in species where the male has no obligation to rear the children and merely donates his sperm and leaves, the female will ALWAYS decide her partner(s) while the male will try to have intercouse with about all but the least fit females. There are animal societies (most notable a few species of birds) where this is reversed. In these cases the male is the selective one and the women are much less selective. Also, in situations of shared responsibility, both partners are choosy (note this is the case in humans). You can also see the difference in testes size and harems in primates. Species with large harem sizes and more promiscuous males have evolved larger testes so they deliver more sperm and incerase the likelihood of impregnating the female. In these species the males have less of a role in child care and are less sexually selective than the females.

Evolution via natural selection has determined that humans do best under conditions of shared child responsibility, hence why we have relatively small testes, small "harem sizes", and both partners are sexually selective. Thus it is instinctual for us to have only one partner, which is a large reason why there is such a hesitation for individuals to become more permiscuous.

Sentience has brought about higher thought, however. Especially since the development of reliable "safe sex" techniques, humans have increasingly overcome the instinct, replaced it with rational thought, and are now capable of deciding for themselves if and under what conditions they care to accept the responsibilities of having sex, and even how much of the risk they wish to take (how protected they wish to be or how "safe" they wish the sex to be).

Therefore, from a biological standpoint, there is no reason to be abstinant nor is there a reason to be permiscuous. It all comes down to the will of the individual."

Just thought it would be appropriate here as well.

I value trust above everything else. The only time I lie is when I tell my mother what I did that kept me out late, or if I'm going somewhere that she wouldn't like but doesn't harm me at all (conveniently neglect to mention the name of a band I'm seeing, etc.) If I am in a relationship with someone, it means that either it's monogamous, or we've already agreed to rules about fucking around. Whatever the situation, I don't bullshit anyone, and even if a beautiful woman is standing in front of me ready to go, I'm not going to fuck around wiht a relationship.

hell NO. I've never cheated, nor will I ever in any future relationship.

been cheated on. Wouldn't do it. Simply fucks you up too much. Bad Karma.

Nah. Not worth the effort, not worth the headache, not worth the guilt and anguish. And the other problem with cheating is that everybody loses out most of the time, because the "other woman" isn't exactly going to get your best side.

It is definitely a major part of conventional relationships that you have a commitment to each other. The impulse to cheat should be understandable to anybody with a pulse, but to actually do so breaks the rules of your relationship and suggests a lack of respect for yourself and the person you're committed to.

With that said, I do occasionally miss being in an open relationship. *sigh* Although nowadays half the nostalgia is for when I could take the time out to read a book or watch a movie while somebody else paid attention to my girlfriend. :)

NO WAY JOSE!