What the hell just happened?
 

So last November, I'm in college, and there's this girl who's flat-out crazy about me. Call her Dakota, cause that's where she's from, and I like code names. We hang out, I get to like her to, kiss, date, etc. She is still nuts for me. She initiates sex the first time, comes to visit over Christmas (I'm from Ohio, so that's quite a haul), etc etc. She says "I love you" first, says she wants to be together forever, and plans where we're going to live after we get married. And I don't mind this, because I'm getting to really like her too, and I can see us being together forever.

Then we go home for summer. It's three months apart, we come back, things are a little weird, but good. By mid-September, things are still a little weird, and we have a fight. Make up the next day, no biggie, but suddenly she is not interested in sex (or related activities) AT ALL. We've had sex maybe three times since; once was the one-year anniversary in November and the other two were special occassions as well.

Now, she says she feels constrained and that she wishes she could make out with other guys. The beginning, she said, occurred when she met this guy Adam over the summer, and though they only chatted a few times, it made her realize there were other guys out there and it bugged her ever since.

She says she's willing to try to work things out, but I've pretty much written it off. If she's gone almost 4 months totally uninterested in me, a little more time isn't going to change things. And if she's going to spend the rest of the relationship lusting after other guys, neither of us will be happy.

So the question is, to all you knowledgeable folk, what the hell just happened to my relationship? This was a girl that not long ago was naming our future children, and now she has no interest in me whatsoever?

:hmm:

She's young, and meet someone cool. Or, the three month separation was long enough to take the fire off the romance. Or, the last time she spent the night she found a lump of green putty in your left arm pit and was completely disgusted.

It's hard to say, really.

Immature, curious, and definately not yet ready for commitment.
Count your blessings that you got out relatively unscathed.

Agreed, sounds like she is still unsure about what she wants or needs from you and life in general.

It's generally a mistake to hang too much "future" on your first few relationships. I think when people are young they should enjoy themselves and other people, explore, learn about themselves and life, etc.

Of course, this is "do as I say not as I do" advice; I met lurkette when I was 17 and we've been together ever since... and that was 14 years ago.

Classic psycho-chick behavior right there, I know because I used to date them exclusively. At first she's all over you, planning your wedding and what you'll name your kids. Then she backs off because she needs "space" (which usually means she has a new boy toy she wants to play with). A few months and she'll be jumping you again, after she's tired of her new plaything, and that's when you have to be strong and tell her to take a hike.

How old is this chick? I'm guessing around 20. She's immature and probably messed up in the head (clingy, controlling, thinking she has to play head games), and she definitely doesn't know what she wants. Which is fine for that age but I wish I had had someone to tell me to not go back to a girl or get hung up over her when she does something like this, back when I was in college.

Cut your losses, move on, have fun. Watch out for the warning signs from now on though, any girl who starts planning weddings and naming kids after a few months is usually bad news.

Be glad you found out she had a wandering eye before you got more serious!

Move on, be glad you are no longer with a girl that is so fickle she can plan her wedding one month and hook up with someone else the next.

Sounds typical of what i've seen and been through in college. The cool thing is that there's tons of other pussy around to chase so it's no big deal. It's a big ocean out there, use it.

Yup, cut your losses and move on. She's not yet aware of what she wants and will continue looking for that, even if it is not you.

as others said..the plannning the future bit....that's a big warning sign...and this "weirdness" kinda confirms it.... she's a immature girl in the body of a woman.

advice: walk away

You just sound like you have a big chip on your shoulder. Nothing he described sounded "psycho, messed up in the head, clingy or controlling" :rolleyes:

When people are young, they fall in and out of infatuation, mistaking those feelings for love. Most everyone wants to find their "soul mate" and frequently they jump to conclutions, only later to take a step back and have second thoughts.

It's normal...

I do agree that you should just move on though... I don't think it should be with resentment and blame, however...

Well just appreciate that you got to get your noodle wet a few times and still have it between your legs. There are REAL psychotic girls out there that will take things to a new level... leave it be... trust me.

There's a reason why all of us rarely end up with our first boyfriend/girlfriend.

Things change and people change. For first timers, the intensity they feel clouds the reality for a while, and they think its forever. But the intensity will fade and we all stick by our decisions because of commitment, not feelings. We all learn after the 2nd or 3rd relationship that it takes more than mere feelings to sustain a relationship.

Its not her fault as much as its not ours when we change our minds about anything we do. There's nothing psychotic about her. She's just as human as anyone of us.

I do wonder about the rest who jumped at her so quickly though..

human nature? And yes you are right people change, but there are people out there (male and female) who can change on a whim. That still is their nature, but it can leave others wondering what and where things changed or wtf happened. (cause thatis human nature as well)

Went through that exact same shit with my first girlfriend(I wasn't her first b/f though). She also tried to get back with me a few months after she broke up with me but only after finding out I had a huge crush on some other girl(A girl I admit I had been crushing on while I was with her). She asked someone to call me outside than said "I know you have a huge crush on (name) and that kind of made me realize that I still love you and I was wondering if you wanted to get back together?" I felt bad but I just looked at her and said "No" Kinda her fault though she treated me like shit after she broke it off with me. She did imbetween class periods. She basically said "I think we need some time apart..some space." I said "Does this mean you want to see other people?" And she said "No I don't think I'm ready for that yet." and by the time I had gotten out of my next class every guy I knew came up to me and said "Hey man I heard (name) broke up with you." See that didn't sound like a breakup to me..it sounded like time apart..implying that we were still a couple just taking a break...But she told everyone she broke up with me and that upset me..I asked her about it and she put on a scene in front of the whole class crying and everything. Started telling all the girls in the class "Isn't Cris an asshole?" and really pissing them off. Also after she asked me back out she started telling everyone that she only wanted to get back with me because she never got to have sex with me. Thats pretty fucked up if you ask me. I fooled around with her once or twice after that but called it quits on her. My guess is when she broke up with me she expected me to come crawling back to her and beggin her to take me back. A pretty stupid game she tried to play on me and it didn't work. I prolly treated/would have treated her better than any other guy she's gone out with since.

Definitely move on. That girl needs to grow up a little. Possibly she'll go out with some other guy strictly for lust and then try and see if you'll take her back. That'll be up to you to decide though if you want to you can take her back or you can't...If ya really do like her though try not to make things bitter or weird if you do break up and still be nice to her that way in the future when you're both a little wiser if you want to get back together there won't be any wounds to patch up and it'll just happen. Ya know?

Asta!!

Love not only has to be between two people that are compatible, but the timing has to be right as well. She is still caught up in that me, me, me mentality which is perfectly normal for someone of her age. She will either grow out of it or she won't. Most people seem to get over this by age 25. Some sooner, some later. I had a girlfriend I was all hung up on in college. We lived together for 10 months, and it still remains the most intense sexual relationship of my life. Unfortunately the other parts of the relationship never developed. Once I went home for the summer she was sleeping with a guy I knew peripherally a month later. She broke up and told me. I ended up stomping him just because he broke trust with me, but he really did me a favor. She was in no way ready for the kind of relationship we were headed for (talking marriage), and it would have ended in divorce.

I've been through psycho-chick shit like this before. Most girls are insane and unable to make choices. They can't either see that a) they have it good with you, so they should stay regardless of the other boys out there and b) that security is worth more than playtime ever will be.

Cut your losses, drink a bottle of Jack, and get back in the game tomorrow.

Dude, you got problems...

Most women are perfectly normal people... but yes, there are a few that have some issues. Same as most of the guys I know.

To the original poster:

My advice would be to move on... find the next one... and if that doesn't work, find the next one, and so on and so forth, until you *do* find the right one. You;ll know it, she'll know it, and life will be better than it is today.

Bing bing, we have a winner.
She's just not mature enough to commit seriously. The signs are there already before the wired part... Sorry man she's moved on. Draging it out will only make it more painfull.

When she said "I wish I could make out with other guys." that ment "I've made out with other guys, and want to do it more." All around, that weirdness was because she was having her cake and eating it too. Long distance relationships are hard.

I'm going to have to agree with the 'move-on' mate. Sorry to say it but i've been through the same thing as well. (she was 19) Things were great and then all of a sudden 'things changed.' And... as people have said has happened to them she does call every now and then (Ex: only a couple weeks back at 3:30am, pissed coming home from a club) and still goes on with teh 'I still miss you, do you miss me?'
Good luck Bud, it's hard but it'll be worth it in the end.

In my experience, very organized and rational people are often the most ready to get married at a young age. For example, any girl can talk about the future. However, the one that has a blueprint of your first house that you two will purchase 2 years after establishing a career and the one that completely plans the wedding rather than just dreaming about is the only ones you can really take seriously about marriage at a really young age.

It sounds like maybe you didn't jump on the bandwagon when it was rolling...plus girls often change their minds that dramatically when they are younger and really figuring out what they want in life

Amen! These words ring so true.

Jesus H. Christ on a Pogo Stick! Do you guys think you could bash women any more in a post!

This has NOTHING to do with the shape of her chromosomes. It has everything to do with her age. The behavior that this person is displaying is more frequently associated with men than women, and you all know this is true. So, let's just drop the gender card and say that this person is not ready to commit to you. You should be thankful she was honest with herself and you.

hey, be glad she didn't actually cross the line and cheat on you :)
thats happened to me twice in the past of my serious SOs
the third also sounds extremely similar to this situation right here and just recently happened.

cut your losses and move on. maybe you'll end up back together in the future, but thats clearly not what needs to be going on now.

Just a random update. We agreed to "take a break" so she could think about things. Then, a mutual friend forwarded me an email from Dakota (that's the code name, remember?) saying "I'm doing lots of situps so over spring break I can impress Tim the Tattoo Artist with my hot abs. I have it sooooo bad for him."

So now I'm just trying to keep things civil while I move on (hard, cause I have to pretend I didn't see this email).

Thanks for the advice, guys, and I can't believe I lost out to a 20-something tattoo artist...

don't take it too hard, man
i've lost out to people who i thought i was smarter/better looking/nicer/more caring than. (not to be an ass or anything, just my own observations. could be wrong)
such is girls. just try and be civil. don't have to be friends or anything, cut the ties if you want. just whatever you do, don't go nuts. you'll find someone else eventually.

She got over her puppy-love and wants to be single again. Find someone else dude and let her go. There is plenty to go around.