onetime2

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martinguerre

sorry to say...but it's time to pick up what you've got left, and move on.

you've both decieved each other, broken trusts...there just doesn't seem to be much left to build a relationship back up again on.

say sorry for the things that you regret, and resolve not to make the same mistakes next time.

best of luck...

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Halx

What a tangled web we weave
When first we practice to deceive

This could have all been avoided if you were totally and completely upfront with your suspicions. It's not too late for full disclosure on your part. Hopefully she will follow suit.

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Ambiguity

Bad situation man, but be honest with yourself. If you feel it's able to be worked out, try, but If i were in your shoes, I'd cut my losses and check out....

Cimarron29414

I am sorry you are going through this.

I would bet my entire life savings that she was sleeping with this other guy. Since she separated with you, I can't call it cheating. You have to ask yourself whether or not this is the kind of person you want to spend your life with. On the same day that she is planning a wedding, she is also falling into temptation with another.

There is no kind of friendship that can't exist in the open arena of a significant other. Why hide all the time? I believe it is because there is something TO hide. Now, I know how difficult it is to pick up and move on. However, we aren't talking about a marriage here, we are talking about a bf/gf relationship with a wedding being planned. So, you should get out before it gets really expensive or there are children involved.

You have to consider that

1) she chose to separate from you. Does that sound like a good foundation to marry from?
2) she was withholding of information. If it is innocent, why hide it?
3) you don't tell friends you "want" them.
4) the sex-toy reference was NOT about you.
5) she wouldn't take your $8K because she was guilty about what she was doing behind your back.

As bad as it will suck, give yourself the best gift you could ever give yourself and set yourself free from the stress and the mistrust. I wouldn't feel too bad about the snooping. It wasn't irrational - you had signs and she was clearly trying to hide things from you. You were simply protecting your most valuable possession - you.

Boo

Relationships that fall into this situation always seem to be doomed. Loss of trust is never fully regained.

I suggest that you move on. Be sure to learn from this experience. Find a girl that loves you enough to not put herself into a position where trust is an issue.

Edit: Forgot to mention the financial aspect.

Unless you are personally responsible for her credit cards etc.... She needs to take care of her own finances. I do not feel that you are obligated in any way.

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absorbentishe

Honesty is always the best policy, but... I think you can see where the relationship is heading, you need a little nudging. Get out while there isn't too much more invested. If you don't think she'll ever be honest about him, then she'll never be honest to you. You're better off leaving now than later. It sounds harsh, but if someone dosen't put it plain enough, you'll always make excuses as to why you keep going.

lurkette

Gotta agree with the "let it go" crowd. Where there's no trust, there's no relationship. She's given you reason not to trust her, and now you've reciprocated. Sounds like time to make the separation permanent.

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Vincentt

I would say move on, you have put up with this for a long time.
The "I want you" line would be enough for me to start a war. Hell the "I love yous" would have me ready end it. Even if it is just "Friends" you don't say that shit, it is disrespectful. "Using me as a sex toy" WTF, thats it, kick her out of your life, and hope to god they don't call 'common law' marrage on you.

Even if she isn't doing anything, she is putting herself in harms way. This says she doesn't care about the relationship.

kolila

Is she used to having good guy friends like that? Or was this something fairly new?

i wouldnt feel so bad about the tape recorder. I would've done the same thing.

Yes it makes you look like you dont trust her, but you're about to marry this girl and plan a good portion of your future with her, isnt it normal that you were super concerned about what she was doing with this guy behind your back?


And chances are, even if she wasnt sleeping with him yet, she would be soon enough.

If youre strong enough, dump her and dont look back.

edit: and another thing, the fact that she was so careless about the whole thing should tell you something too.

bad jane

well, if i were a very bad girl, based on the info from your side--good bet i'm sleeping with the other guy. we've been together a long time and old habits die hard--it's tough to break off a relationship after 7 years, especially when you're planning a wedding. the easiest way to end it for me is to put distance between us and under the guise of friendship, get closer to another guy. being alone after so long, particularly since i'm having trouble making it on my own, scares the hell out of me.

as to why i wouldn't take your money? might be feeling guilty. might be concerned about how others would think of me (family and friends who would find out and knew we were having problems). then again, i might be holding out for more--if you'll pay my way when we're engaged, marriage should be good to me. or, perhaps i don't want to "owe" you and feel like i can't break things off if i accepted the offer?

if she doesn't want you around when she's with her "friend" and asks you to leave cause he's coming over--that's suspicious to me. if he's just a friend, why can't you hang around too? is he having marital probs by chance? think her decision to move out had anything to do with him?

as much as it hurts, you know what you need to do to feel at peace with the situation. and if you don't do it, she prolly will with time. what's really going to suck though, is if you go through with this marriage and a few months in she decides to call it quits (or you do, when you walk in on her and her friend in your bed).

K-Wise

I'm refreshed at the level of maturity of the females on this board. Most of the time you see this sort of thing and girls almost always side with the female...or completely change tones/sides when they find something new out. I would have expected "Oh yeah you poor thing yer right to be suspicious..WAIT...You read her IM's? You put a tape recorder in her house??!! Who the hell do you think you are? You got some nerve! That is none of your business you don't own her! blah blah blah."

I feel for you man. This can't possibly be easy but they're right. What kind of person sneaks around on someone they REALLY love? I've had lots of girly friends too. Rarely ever did we make sexual references without obvious sarcasm and never have they ever said "I want you" either. I have encountered girls who will tell me they love me harmlessly, and making sexual jokes like "Lookin hot" or "I wanna jump your bones" but they were just jokes. Break it off man. Then see how quickly she goes to her "friend" that she has. If she doesn't immediately get with him once you've cut her off then maybe she really did love you and feels bad for what she put you through and needs a time or mourning. That would show she was just confused and wanted to be sure...it happens but if she goes straight into his arms that will tell you she didn't really care to marry you and was just waiting for you to break it off so they could REALLY get together.

Good luck man.

Asta!!

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onewolf

She thinks your a wuss. Move on. To a new zip code if possible. Next time your girlfriend explains to you that "I love you" is normal lingo with her carpool buddy, laugh and move on immediately.

Acetylene

Yeah she is flirting furiously with a married man, WHILE ENGAGED HERSELF. Doesn't matter if she's actually slept with him; her behavior is still unacceptable. You don't need this spineless twerp.

Plus this girl is looking for an easier way to get out than just dumping you. She doesn't want you anymore, and that's cold fact.

However, you did read your fiancee's SMS, and noticed when she changed her password. Why did you have her password in the first place? Obviously you were checking her email on a regular basis or you wouldn't even have known. After that, I'm not surprised you bugged her apartment. Frankly, she doesn't need you either, at least not till you've grown up a bit.

Sounds like neither one of you was ready for this relationship.

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Wax_off

Onetime, I think every guy on this board has been in the position that you're in, maybe in a lesser form, but still ugly. Jealousy will kill you, make you do crazy shit that isn't you. I personally have done a few things I am NOT proud of, that I have no excuse for except that I was totally out of my head.
This woman is messed up and dragging you with her. The only thing to do at this point is move on and learn your lessons. Ain't gonna be easy, it'll be like circling a pit for a while, the appeal of this woman who you care about will pull at you, but you must escape. She will try to drag you back. You must escape.

Psycho Dad

At this point I doubt it. There is so much suspicion and broken trusts here that Dr Phil could make a pay per view special out of it.

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pig

Jealousy/suspicion isn't always a bad thing - it's a natural emotional reaction to your surroundings. Sometimes, it's due to emotional immaturity/baggage on your part, sometimes your significant other is behaving in ways that you would have to be a labatomized crank addict to be ok with. Look inside yourself and ask the question "Have I had good reason to feel this way?" - in this case, given the information you provided, the answer is hell yes. Maybe the tape wasn't the best idea, but frankly it sounds like y'all should have cut this thing long ago. As others have said, that whole business with the *special* friend just isn't acceptable. If you want to have some real fun, call his wife and meet for coffee. I would think she might be interested to know that her husband "wants" your should-be ex-fiancee. I've had girlfriends put me in similar positions, perhaps not as severe on-the-whole, and the fact is that if you love someone, you won't put them in positions where they feel emotionally vulnerable. I'm not saying that you might not have character flaws / things to work on that have contributed to the situation, but her reaction to it is not justifiable. If y'all are truly separated, then physically separate, and as someone above said, I wouldn't suggest giving her the $8k severance package. If it'll make you feel better, I'll set up a PayPal account and you can give to me

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ubertuber

Sorry about your tough times... Two things did come to mind for me as I read this.
The best definition of cheating I ever saw (and I think it was here) was not about acts, it was about trust. Cheating is doing something your partner would be upset to find out about... Secondly, I would think that you would want to marry a girl who causes you to act in ways that are higher than your normal self, not lower. What with the snooping and recording, it doesn't sound like you'd say this relationship is helping you be the best person you can. Of course, it is always easier for an outsider to weigh in on your problems... Best wishes in finding a good path through this.

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Seaver

1) She made you leave your own house so she could talk with her "friend" = Red Flag
2) She hung out with him before, during, and after work = Red Flag
3) She started acting distant the exact same time her friend came into play = Red Flag

Those are three reasons alone without any snooping to be suspicious. Right there you should have confronted her.

4) You find "I want you" 's in the IMs = REALLY BIG Red Flag
5) You find "I love you" 's in the IMs = She's beating you with the Red Flags
6) She claimed not to see him that day, when you saw him leaving the apartment. = Still beating you..

I'm all about trust, I've never had a problem with it or expecting it. But she was two timing you, and I'd bet dollars to dimes she was sleeping with him.

Just be glad she didnt take your money, forget her two-timing ass, move on, find a nice girl.

onetime2

Actually you're way off since I set the email account up for her and had to create a password to do it. She then told me she changed her password and asked if it was "okay with me". I didn't have a problem with it at the time and never considered snooping before the other things started coming up. Putting the pieces together the password change sure seemed relevant.

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Schwan

In instances like these there’s always a crowd of people that tell you to “move on”. I’m sure the intensions are good, but some of us, though not the majority, are not wired that way, and I’m betting good money on the fact that onetime2 is such a person - my point being that, for him, moving on is probably not an option. Having said that, my take on your whole little recording scheme is that it was daft to say the least, but again I understand it, because that’s something I’d probably have done in your situation. Being in the comfortable position of a spectator, I can only suggest to go for honesty, have a chat with her, and ask. Sure, not easy, but it’s certainly the last thing you can do in order to save your ass from getting a restraining order, and not seeing her ever again. And that would probably be the worst thing for you, eh?

Cimarron29414

Someone above suggested calling the wife of this guy. Although you would probably get another perspective and a lot of information on your side, it might also get you or her killed (literally). Give it a lot of thought before doing this. That guy might not mind helping to wreck your relationship, but he won't think it is funny at all when you try to return the favor.

kutulu

I think you should find the dude's wife. She deserves to find out about this.

avhg1

I agree completely. Any wife/husband should know if their SO is telling other people that they miss, love and want them. Sorry, it's a tough thing to go through. I would have probably done the same. You deserve the truth about this other guy, but you have to accept that you may never get it or really believe it. Tell your SO the truth about how you feel and the things you've done. You may not be able to repair the trust that has been broken on both sides.

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Powderedmaggot

Well if you are separated why shouldn't she be sacking up with someone else? I don't know why you separated but usually when it happens ppl do not get back together. I'd say try to offer her another buy out and if she doesn't go for it cut off her funds until she either gets a lawyer or accepts your offer. I certainly would not be hanging on to a relationship with as much deciet and dishonesty (by both parties) as you have portayed.

mtnman323

i agree that if if your seperated she has the right to do whatever she wants in her own free will