paulskinback

What kind of things have you tried to fuck, apart from women?

I've heard stories of fruit, raw whole chickens, warm liver etc. but has anyone ever tried it?

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Thoraby

orange. It was... interesting

Val_1

I've heard stories of lunch meat and such ... don't know how true they are. I would be hesitent to rub meat on my meat. But, since the subject was brought up, here's a link I found: Masturbation Stories . Klick the links on the right hand side for more stories. Some of these I don't really believe, and there's very few I would suggest anybody does. Some of them sound dangerous. But, there are more than a few that concern sticking it in things. Good reading for all

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gh0ti

I'm more of a hand type guy myself. It's really the only thing I use my left hand for (besides typing). If I want a little "strange", Ill go with the right sometimes, but I just wont get me off.

Ive tried putting on a condom and humbing the side of a couch once, but I just got tired of it and went back to the hands.

I'm always down to try something new though ;-). Anything work real good?

gh0ti

IIRC Playboy had a message in the forums ~ a year back about someone using a hollowed banana wrapped in tape and stuck in the microwave for a few seconds. That sounds like it might work out ok....

MSD

This is among the best thread titles ever.

KungFuGuy

foam core with a whole in the middle. (young & lonely)

K-Wise

WOW! I love this place....woooo...shit! Okay okay I'm done now...man. You guys are sumfin else.

Asta!!

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"I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project

It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys! - Asta!!

Painted

One time I fell asleep on the couch, naked (there had been much drinking that night), and when I woke up, I felt someone licking my cock, and for a split second, I thought that it was some chick wanting some more sex, then I looked up and it was my male dog doing the licking.


Otherwise I'm a hand sort guy.

Psycho Dad

I can't help but think of the pickle slicer joke when I see this thread. That and American Pie.

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funkeodor

I tried to fuck a bunch of snow (I was like fourteen) and it kept melting :-( I was sad, I had to go back inside and finish with the hand and warm back up.

doncalypso

The only thing I've had sex with other than a woman is la poñeta.

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screamincheetah

As a youngin' I would masterbate by making sweet, magical love to a folded pillow. Yeah, those were the days...........

AquaFox

got a glass, put afew socks inside eachother... put the socks in the glass... to make something fleshlight like... lol, it didn't work


when i was smaller i used could do toliet paper rolls... but now i can't fit it inside those

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...AquaFox...

rockzilla

an ex-girlfriend

insidious_machinae

This message has been deleted.

pinkie

The plantain vagina in my opinion has to be the best homemade male masturbation device that I have ever used. Forget about buying expensive artificial vaginas that are out on the market. Most of them hardly work at all, they don't satisfy, and they will lighten your wallet! Unfortunately, men don't have the sensual luxury women have in that they can use a myriad amount of vibrators, dildoes, double dongs, and even cucumbers to get off on. Sure, men can stick a dildo or butt plug up their asses, but if they are not inclined towards the anal arts, then what's the use?

The plantain vagina is not only natural, but it's inexpensive! The plantains go for about 3 or 4 per U.S. dollar. Plantains can be found in the United States in Hispanic (Latin American) bodegas (a Spanish store) or markets, and if you live near either a Puerto Rican, Cuban, Mexican, Dominican community you will always find tons of plantains so cheap that you would think they're giving them away!

For our randy British wanker cousins, you chaps can go into any West Indian market in your UK towns to find plantains. All West Indian people like Jamaicans, Barbarians, Bahamians, and even Brazilians eat and love plantains. Similarly in the US, and Canada plantains can also be found in West Indian / Jamaican markets if you have them in your towns. Many regular super markets also carry plantains, and I have even seen them at a "Lucky's" super market in Orange County, California when I was visiting that part of the country.

To start,7 let's get some things straight.

According to the University of Florida, Institute of Food and Agricultural Sciences, plantains are classified thusly:

"Plantains are hybrid bananas in which the male flowering axis is either degenerated, lacking, or possesses relicts of male flowers. Plantains are always cooked before consumption and are higher in starch than bananas."

The fruit you want to get for the plantain vagina is not the common banana that is eaten as is. Common bananas are too small and would break if you put your cock in them. You want to use the fruit that is usually cooked – but in our case, we are not going to cook it, but instead we are going to look for one that is at the right stage of ripeness to make your vagina. The following list underneath can give you an idea of the right plantain to pick at the perfect stage.

Green Plantain: Not the one to use! Starchy with a taste more comparable to a potato. Use in recipes that require a starchy vegetable taste. Pulp is ivory color and firm and too hard for a vagina like feel.

Yellow Plantain: This is the one to use for the plantain vagina! Yellow skin may be freckled with black spots. The pulp inside is semi soft to soft and it can be easily pushed out.

Black: Not the one to use! Too soft and yucky looking. The black stage ranges from heavy black spotting to a fully black plantain.

So, as a reminder we want to use the yellow plantain with freckled black spots. This plantain has the right amount of ripeness to fool your cock into believing that it's in a real pussy!

Ok, so now we know which plantain to get! Follow these instructions to create the ultimate in natural masturbation technology!

1. Go to the market and look for plantain that is fairly large in size. Pick a plantain that you can visualize your erect cock fitting snuggly inside. Make sure the plantain is somewhat ripe. If not too ripe, take it home and put it in a brown paper bag so that it could ripen for about a couple of days. Wash the outside of the plantain with some mild soap if you want. Dry it with paper towels.

2. The plantain should be ready to use when the outside skin is not too green or not too black. It should be somewhat yellow with a little black spots here and there. It should also be somewhat soft to the touch.

3. The banana leaf consists of a long, tube-like structure called a sheath. Your cock will go inside the sheath. To accomplish this, you cut the end tip of the plantain that is large enough for your cock to fit into. Not too loose, and not too tight that your cock won't fit into it. When you have cut the end to a size that you think will fit your cock, you then squeeze out the plantain pulp. Gently squeeze the pulp starting at the front and work your way towards the top. It's a good idea to squeeze the pulp out in sections using a soft squeezing motion. We don't want to break the plantain skin.

4. When all the pulp has been squeezed out, your plantain vagina is ready to use. Since you are going to be pumping it furiously we recommend that you punch a few little holes towards the top of the plantain. The reason we do this is for some of the air inside the plantain to escape when you are thrusting in and out. If the holes are not punched, there will be air pockets, and the plantain will have a tendency to break.

5. How do you use the plantain vagina? First, lube your cock. The walls of the plantain contain a deliciously slippery natural substance that feels like the inside of a real vagina. All you have to do is wet your cock with a little water or spit. Saliva is the best lubricant to use, although one can use KY or Astroglide mixed with a little spit. Believe it when we say it – this will be one of the best orgasms you will ever have. It's simple, you lube your hard cock, then you insert it into the opening of the plantain. At this moment, you slide your cock into the sheath as if you had a condom on. After this you will use both your hands to move the sheath up and down your cock until you feel like your are going to climax. The orgasm is unbelievable!

One can also run the plantain skin under hot water to emulate the temperature of a real vagina. This is optional. In addition, one can place the plantain skin between a mattress or anything that will hold it in place. By doing this, your hands can be free, and you can pump it in the usual way you fuck a pussy.

Don't be alarmed if your cock is covered in some of the plantain pulp. The pulp contains natural enzymes and proteins that will only lubricate and nourish your cock.

Please let us know how your plantain vagina worked out!

AquaFox

plantain?? not a bad idea

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...AquaFox...

Shirtninja

pinkie, I hope you copied and pasted that from somewhere.

I never even knew plantains existed until that.

K-Wise

WTF? Plantain? Isn't that just a fancy name for a banana?

Asta!!

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"I love music and it's my parents fault (closing statement)." - Me..quoting myself...from when I said that...On TFP..thats here...Tilted Forum Project

It ain't goodbye, it's see ya later! I'll miss you guys! - Asta!!

AquaFox

the title of the post was "Taken from another site: "


lol, pinkie your a ladie, right?

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...AquaFox...

paulskinback

I wholeheartedly agree, even though its my thread (!)

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'Everything that can be invented has been invented.- - 1899, Charles Duell, U.S. Office of Patents.

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RolandGilead

Although I never tried it I heard of a thing called Trucker Pussy (hmm, sounds nicer than the german word Fernfahrermöse ). You need a Thermos Flask and raw minced meat for it.
I think you can imagine how it works...

Blackthorn

I agree with that.

Plantains? I may never be able to pass quickly through the produce aisle even again.....

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LIMilf

a baseball mitt, when I was really young!

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Jay Francis

Personally, I can vouch for the cyberskin artificial vagina that I have owned for a year now. Very cost effective and very realistic sensattions. I would never go back to experimental fruits, although the plantain sounds interesting.

Past experiences involved, without success, various fruits such a melons and cantaloupes. I thought about liver or beef fat but was too worried about having to explain a bacterial infection.

I once tried mango skin. It turns out that mango has some of the same properties as poison oak and I did get a poison oak type rash that was really embarassing. I treated it with cortisone cream, which turned out to be a very good lubricant.

The grossest thing I ever read about was a guy who removed the wings from houseflies and kept them in a little box. he would immerse himself in the bath water with the exception of his exposed erect penis. He would put the flies on the tip above water level and the agitation of the flies would get him off.

GuttersnipeXL

I heard about a guy who liked to put a running belt sander in his couch for vibration, lie on his stomach naked and get it on between the cushions. Unfortunently the belt sander got ahold of his "head" and decapitated it.

This is one of those crazy stories that you hear with no reliable source. I'd say stay away from power tools with moving parts!

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Carno

LOL!

The only thing my cock has ever been in, besides a vagina, is good ol' Rosy Palms.

Shirtninja

I are the smartest!

And aside from my hand I have tried the banana thing and a girl gave me one of those artificial latex sleeves that are supposed to simulate a woman. I'll just stick to my hand.

pinkie

Of course I'm a girl, but I saw it before, and it made me think of it when I saw this thread. Do a search for it, you'll find lots of articles...

CityOfAngels

"Strange things you've put your cock into"

My ex-girlfriend's pussy. Seriously; so many strange cocks have been in there that I had to say a few prayers before I jumped back in there.

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Dano069

When I was younger, much younger, I used to use a plastic, quart sized, toy milk bottle. I'd get in the bath, fill it half-way with water, turn it upside down and over my cock. I'd then squeeze the bottle. It was pretty good at getting me off quickly. The bottle had a wide mouth, so I didn't have to worry about getting stuck in it. Ah, youth....

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I may look attentive, but I'm taking peeks down your blouse faster than the human eye can follow.

Charlatan

Oatmeal... once and it didn't do anything for me...


But it did make my skin nice and soft!

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"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
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WillyPete

I heard of a similar thing to the plantain.

You use a large courgette, put it in the micro till it's warm and soft.
Take out the core, put ONE hole in the top.
As you push into it, take your finger off the hole, then as you pull out, close the hole again. It's supposed to give it a sucking action.

vox_rox

Got photos? Ever work for Curque de Soleil?



Peace,

Pierre

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There is no such thing as strong coffee - only weak people.
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vox_rox

Pinkie,

I must, once again, refer to you as the guru sitting on top of the hill giving us males the knowledge we need. You're amazing.

And a grocer as well, who knew?

Peace,

Pierre

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There is no such thing as strong coffee - only weak people.
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Catmandu

So much for me ever buying fresh produce again. Can't we just keep our sex toys and food supply separate?

xxSquirtxx

lmao!

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impulse03

speaking of masturbation stories...http://www.seizureandy.com/stuff/guts.html
Guts was written by Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club and Choke. It's a rather disgusting story so be careful when reading...

ive never used anything but my hands or the good old vagina.

omega2K4

Uh, my hand.

But check out these 2 guys:

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