Mzm

So my wife's been cheating on me ever since we've been married. We've been married almost 2 years now. I've always been suspicious that she's been hooking up with other men, but have wanted to ignore this in some way I guess.

We have one of those circumstantional marriages where we hooked up, had a lot of sex, got pregnant within 3 months of being with each other. Having a child was the absolute best thing that ever happened to me. My wife and I both were heavy partiers, liked to drink, smoke, and "eat" whatever. When we found out we were about to be parents, our life turned upside down, of course. I immediately cleaned up, finished school, got my college degree, and started a career to provide for my family. Life was good for a time. We got married a year after our son was born and, I thought, we were both comfortable. Turns out that wasn't the case.

Just 3-4 months ago, a year and a half into our marriage, I find out she's been sleeping with other men. The only reason I even found out is because a friend of hers confronted her while we were out one nite and her friend was pissed at her because my wife made out with her brother. My wife's friend was yelling loud enough for me to hear so my wife had no choice but to come clean with me. My wife tried to downplay as much of it as possible and I truly wanted to believe her at the time. I've been as calm and coolheaded as can be with what I was finding out but it was getting worse by the week. I had soon come to find out she had slept with a friend of mine who had gotten a divorce from his wife right before my wife and I were married. This so-called friend was there when my child was born and was always a good friend to my wife and I. My wife and he were always hanging out and she was staying out late and with him often. She finally told me she had sex with him. I practically had to manipulate her into telling me whom she's hooked up with just for my piece of mind because I wanted to give her every chance to come clean with me to see if we can start over. The story goes on and she's continued to stay out late many nites and I'm absolutely paranoid she's hooking up with more men.

At the initial time of me finding out she was with other men, I gave her an ultimatum, either we get a divorce, or she seek counseling. She continues to claim she loves me very much and doesn't want to lose me, though she cannot help herself hooking up with other men. It's an addiction she has, and I want to help her though it by seeking professional help. She's been seeing a counselor for a couple months now, but not much change. There's a new man in her life that she hangs out with and always swore that she wasn't hooking up with him. Of cousre, I played the fool and was wanting to trust her as much as possible, but it turns out she was hooking up with him too. I found out about this one because the guy sent her an e-mail with a pic attached of my wife and him kissing!!! I happened to be sitting next to her when she checked her e-mail.....it was one of the most painful things I have ever seen.

We are now at the point where we are living in the same house but taking a "break". She still claims she wants to make the marriage work and I can't help but respect that. I care deeply for my child and want him to have a mother and father around. The sad thing about all this is my wife and I get along great, we hardly ever fight, in fact we never had a fight until I found out she was cheating on me, and even then, we just discussed what was happening, it was barely a fight. I am at the point where I do want to divorce her, in fact, I'd prefer to get an annulment considering she's been cheating and lying to me the whole marriage. I feel as if my life has fallen apart and I really don't know what to do, deep down I want to make it work but I don't know that I ever want to be with my wife again, physically and emotionally. I'm so absolutely confused at the fact the she still claims to love me dearly and wants to be with me.

Any help/suggestions would be greatly appreciated, and thanks in advance if you read through this whole story, though I feel as if this is really half of the story, it's just a start.

Coppertop

Man, that sucks. I haven't been in your shoes but I'd leave her. Your child will be better off with 2 parents who live apart than growing up in a home where his mother is with different men and his father isn't happy. And if you're going to split it's better to do it when the child is young. Absolutely do not wait until the child is old enough to be really self aware and can imagine that your splitting would be his fault. And never ever talk bad about your wife in front of him in the future. That accomplishes nothing. I know people who've stayed together "for the kids' sake" and it didn't work out at all. Everyone was miserable. I wish you the best of luck.

flamingdog

This is awful. Just awful. The crux of this is that she is treating you like shit. She is riding rough-shod over your feelings for her to satisfy this 'addiction'. Even if that's true, and it is a genuine problem she has (which I somehow doubt), it really doesn't look like she's very interested in solving it. If she feels guilty about it when you find out, why doesn't she feel guilty about it when she's doing it?

Ultimately, it doesn't matter what she says about wanting to make it work out, wanting to stay with you. Judge her by her actions. What do they tell you? I'm outside the situation, but this is how I see it. If she really loved you, she wouldn't be opening her legs for every dude who happens to roam past. Bottom line.

Surely she knows how much this cuts you up? I would be devastated in your shoes, I know that much. So why would she keep doing it if she cared about you? It doesn't matter what she says, it's what she does that counts.

If I were you, I'd snatch up your kid and bail. Tell her she needs to get her fidelity issues handled before you'll let the kid spend time with her. The last thing he needs is a series of 'uncles'.

c172g

First off, sorry to hear about this. It's a terrible thing to go through.

I can't for the life of me imagine staying with someone who cheated on me. I had a girlfriend of four years I thought was cheating on me & finally found out through a friend it was true. At that point I called off the whole thing, & have never spoken to her again. Lots of yelling & screaming during that whole episode, but aside from that we got along great. My wife had basically the same thing happen to her with an old boyfriend. We have an understanding...if you want to cheat, no problem. Pack your bags as soon as you get home. No ifs, ands, or buts...I watch folks on the Dr Phil show & hear these guys & gals considering sticking around with cheating mates and shake my head. Maybe I was raised differently, but if you're going elsewhere for sex, how can you have a happy marriage?

I'm no shrink & probably have no place to give advice on the subject, other than the fact that I've been there & done that (I guess been there, got it done to me would be more applicable). The bit about your wife being addicted to cheating is BS as far as I'm concerned.

I say get the divorce, no amount of counseling will change things. You'll always have memories of her cheating, every time you're alone together it will be on your mind. Find someone else, your children will be happier with two happy parents rather than one miserable one. You can try & hide it, but as they get older they'll know. You've got a tough road to go down, but time does heal all wounds...good luck to you, you have a tough decision.

denim

GET CUSTODY OF THE CHILD!

raeanna74

My condolances. Honestly if you've given her an ultimatum then you need stand by it. Otherwise it was no good. You do need to get angry about this too. I don't mean just lash out but show her that it hurts you by yelling or doing something out of character. If you just react by simple conversation then there's nothing for her to fear. Not that she should fear you but she should fear cheating on you for some reason. Making you angry, alienating you, hurting you, or you filing for divorce. No matter what this action of her's, whether she's addicted or not, says that she doesn't love you as much as she should. Your reaction of not wanting to be with her sexually is normal and good for you. Investing sexually in your relationship when she's daily betraying you would not be healthy for you.

Do you have any concrete evidence or any witnesses who would testify that she's been cheating on you? As the man it can be sometimes difficult to gain the custody of the child if you have no evidence of the other person being untrustworthy. I'm guessing you would want the custody of your child. If you collect some evidence that you can use in the divorce proceedings to preserve your custody of the child then you will be better off and so will your child. I personally think it would be harmful for you to allow your child to be exposed to her lifestyle.

I and my hubby are swingers, meaning we meet other couples to play sexually. We do this in an open atmosphere where there is a lot of communication and trust. We do not betray one another and if either one of us is uncomfortable with anything that happens we listen to them and stop what is happening or whatever we are doing immediately. Your wife's behavior is deceitful, even though she's come clean. It is hurting you and she knows it yet continues. That is selfish of her and wrong.

Please don't tolerate it any longer. You need to get to a lawyer soon, give them evidence of the affairs, get custody of the child, and get her out of the house. IF she can prove to you that even while you are apart she can learn restraint then go ahead get back together IF you feel comfortable with it. If she hasn't spent SOME time apart from you and away from other men the whole time then don't trust her. Not just for your sake but for your child's. If she's out late often then I'm guessing you are being the parent. She's not being a responsible, loving parent then.

This is hard, painful, and scary but you can get through it. You have my prayers, and thoughts. Good Luck.

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BCD

As a lawyer, listen to me when I say this: Hire the toughest domestic lawyer in town and put in to place a game plan by which you can get custody of the child. Your kid will be completely screwed up if he or she is raised by this self-absorbed and reckless individual. They will also have real issues re. how you treat members of the opposite sex and otherwise handle relationships. Do not hire a nice or cerebral attorney. Get someone who is known as a TOUGH lawyer. The best way to find a good lawyer is to ask attorneys who do not practice in the area of domestic relations for a referral. Not to stereotype, but I've found that most of the tough and mean domestic lawyers are women. Good luck.

Clark

Nothing new to add, get a lawer take the kid and get out. As it stainds she has it all a good man taking care of the home and all the play she wants. She has to know that it is one or the other as long as you are there she has it all.

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SpoilSport

My heart hurts after reading this.

I feel so badly for you, and wish there were some words of consolation I could offer. I don't know that I can offer up much, except for you to keep your chin up - it won't kill you - and your friends will rally around you to support you, this online community included. I have been where you are, a similar situation. I chose to remain in the relationship and know that I am loved, but living with the low grade suspicion that surfaces and the occassional twinge of pain when memories come back. Somedays it sucks.

While some couples come back from things like this, your situation seems a bit more extreme. You have to think about how much more you are willing to put yourself, and YOUR CHILD through. And always plan for the worst. Consult an attorney. Make the necessary steps to do what is best for the baby. Soemtimes that is completely different from what we think we want.

intecel

Just find a hot chickie to hook up with and make sure there's someone there to take a picture to send back to your wife...

(A good idea in theory, but maybe not a good idea for the divorce trial)

FngKestrel

Wow, that unbelieveably sucks. If you're thinking about the divorce, make sure you arm yourself appropriately with knowledge and lawyers. Try http://www.divorcenet.com to find out the particulars about your state. And find a good support group of friends and family. They'll help you keep your sanity when things start getting ugly.

Good luck.

kutulu

First step is to get rid of all the people that you know she was fucking. Tell them to get the fuck out of your life and never come back. Friends don't fuck their friend's wife behind their backs.

After that, get a lawyer and wage war. Once the dust settles, you'll have full custody and she'll be paying you child support. Then you can start your revenge by fucking all of her friends.

Ramallah

Honestly, I don't think this should even be a question. If she's addicted to hooking up with other guys, I don't see how you could be happy in a relationship with her. If I were you, I'd leave her; but I know it's easy for me to say that when I'm not actually in your situation.

Mzm

Thanks everyone so far for the words of encouragment and vengeance. Deep down, I still want to make this marriage work, but don't want to chance another situation of feeling f*ed over. I want her to be as much a part of our child's life as I am.

My wife and I just had a talk and I actually told her I confided to you all the story of our marriage so far on this forum. I almost want her to see this, but is that wrong, or do you all think it would help?? I feel as if I've explained my perspective of what I'm feeling to her over and over, and would like for her to see other peoples perspective of what has happened. Please advise any thoughts on this matter.

lunchbox

The only thing I can say is that I understand your situation and I don't think that you want for yourself to resolve this situation, you want to resolve this for your kid. Its a great parental instinct to have but for some situations it just doesn't work. It seems like you grew up and accepted the responsibility of being a parent and an adult and your wife isn't coming to that understanding. Its been my experience, having been cheated on numerous times that once you give them that assurance that its okay even after they've cheated once they know you're not going to have the gall to stand up for yourself and stop this from happening. As others have said you need to take the kid, but not for revenge, revenge shouldn't ever cross your mind. your wife doesn't seem to have her priorities in line, you seem to have known for a long time that your kid is #1 priority while hers is the big O. Sorry to hear this has happened to you, hopefully someone's advice is helpful for you.

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Coppertop

This gave me a chuckle. I'm sorry I read it under these circumstances, but still...

I don't see how that would hurt. Maybe if she sees that many others are on your side it'll help her to realize that what she's doing to you is wrong? Just a thought.

ManWithAPlan

Wow. every day i seem to lose more and more faith in people. that's really horrible, i wish i could say i've been there, but i havn't... not exactly anyway.

i agree with coppertop and bcd though - separate before your kids get dragged into it.

i HAVE had experiences with being cheated on though (just a girlfriend though, i suppose a spouse is significantly worse more than i can imagine) and no matter how many chances you give someone - they don't change. i'm sorry man

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bill96ab

If you really really want to try to work through this, there MUST be a change in heart, a change in HER heart. If she loves you, and loves your kid, then maybe there is hope. I would suggest finding a very good marriage/family therpy person to talk to. It will take a very very long time for you to regain your trust in her, but if this is what you want, you should try it.

She will have to change for this to work.


For what it is worth to you, my prayers will go out to you.

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settie

I can't even imagine what you are going through. But I agree with what people have said: for the child's sake, separate and get custody. No child deserves to be brought up by someone with little respect for their spouse. That is just not an appropriate learning and living environment. Kids have it hard enough as it is....dysfunctional parents will just make it tougher on them. It is better to be removed from an unhealthy environment than to try to endure it.

2sheds

that a really tough spot to be in - i know, i've been there (or near there at least .

i don't have much to offer over what others already have, other than my sympathy and well wishes.

in my case, i tried to work it out for a long time but in the end it was no good. i was never able to really trust her, and she was never able to stop cheating. in retrospect, i wish i would have cut my losses a lot sooner.

good luck.

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Nazggul

If you want your child to be raised with a mother and a father you had better start looking for the mother. She's not it. Sorry man, sounds like its not going to be pleasant for you.

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doncalypso

Ditch the wife and seek sole custody of the kid, my friend... that's your best bet.

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Rlyss

When I was reading the first post I was thinking there might be a "I found rust on my car, should I fix it myself" line at the end, and I'm not sure whether I'd be relieved to see that this is all a joke or if I'd be horrified that someone would go to such great lengths for a prank.

That said, Mzm, everyone at the TFP is behind you on this. I'm going to try not to repeat what others have said since it's all fantastic advice.

I think you can show this thread to your wife if you want but in my opinion I don't see what would come out of it. I think she would just do a 180 degree turn and promise to never be unfaithful again, and she would make all the promises all over again, and again, and again. I have very few problems with the 'Once a cheat, always a cheater' claim, but I have to say that I don't believe there are any exceptions to the 'So-far-always a cheater, always a cheater' claim (even though I obviously just made that up!).

What I'm saying is that she is too far gone, and has given you absolutely no reason to trust that her promises will ring true in the future. People make mistakes and should be forgiven, but when it's consistent it turns from a mistake to a problem, and in this case an addiction, or a lack of morality, self-control, respect for you and herself and her child, a lack of decency.

She's got absolutely nothing going for her, you've got self-dignity and respect, a solid foudnation of fairness and forgiveness it seems, but most of all you've got a child to look out for. At this stage you're wanting what's best for your little son, and even though he's not supposed to be here, I'll bet that you love him with all your heart because he's your son! Do what's best for him, and that is to break it off with your wife and give him a stable home.

I'm no lawyer but from what people are saying here you are going to have absolutely no problems winning this battle. Take charge of it, don't give her a new ultimatum, just stand by your old one.

Mzm

No prank Rlyss, it's the story of my current life. I can honestly say I've had worse things happen and that's why I've tolerated this for so long. I can only hope at this point I can explain to her what is about to happen and hope she gets better for her son or she may not be seeing him too often. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I want to do is deprive her of seeing her son. If anything, I want joint custody but to have primary custody of him. I can't say she's a bad mother, she's not, she's a good mother to him, but the 'lifestyle' just doesn't fit. I'm going to attempt to get the divorce without a lawyer, honestly thinking she may agree with all my demands. Probably easier said then done, and many of you may disagree with this, but I would like to try.

adam

Sad story. Sounds like she has issues she needs to work out. Good luck and try to protect your kids as much as possible.

Gopher

I'm going to repeat what's already been said because it's so important. Go and see a lawyer! Just speak to one, even if you want to give the relationship another go. Get the lawyer's advice so you can be sure (as sure as you can be) that if the relationship doesn't work out, you get custody of the kid! Even if you want her to be in your kid's life, if you have full custody you have the control over how much she sees her.

Good luck to ya mate.. I really hope everything works out.

Kalnaur

Horrible news, sir. My advice is this:

Get a good lawyer, custody of the child and your ass out of there.

She is only hurting you, not to mention the role model she is for your child (children?).

Fortunam Bonam!

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woOt?

I'm a little drunk so I can't bear to finish reading your story. She doesn't respect you as a man, as a husband. Leave her. Your marriage was a sham to start with. She never wanted it. I'm so sorry for your pain. I hope you can learn to live on. You're life is not hers.

CaneBay

Agree with Whoot? Get the hell out of there, and focus on the kid. Your lot in life now is being a great Dad. I have a 20 year old whom I made #1 in my life 18 years ago, and I can tell you that that was the best decision I have every made in my life.

Get the hell out of there, and be a real Dad. Get a girl who likes your kid, and loves you.

Aladdin Sane

You MUST think of your child FIRST. Your wife's behavior is extremely bad for your kid. Your wife probably grew up in a very chaotic situation. Your child will be like your wife without some kind of intervention. You need to get your child away from her until she can get herself under control. Her addiction is as serious and just as destructive to relationships as alcoholism.

How many guys has she had sex with since you got married? It sounds like she's a real sex addict. Ask her to go to Sexaholics Anonymous.

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pinkie

Ditto. You both deserve so much better... You do.

raeanna74

Why is it that you want to do this without a lawyer?? You can get a mediating Lawyer - meaning that they don't exactly take one side or the other. They just advise both and do the paperwork. No matter what a divorce usually takes aroun 3-6 month's minimum to complete. There's a lot of filing with the state and paperwork that has to be done. A lawyer will take care of that. I'm not sure what the "going" retainer is for a divorce lawyer but you can find them. There are some who will do this "pro-bono" and are listed with the state as doing this kind of thing. If money is the issue ask your local Social Services Department if they can hook you up with the listing of Pro-bono Lawyers who will deal with this. You have to qualify sometimes by income or by situation but you but in an application and they'll make the offer to help you. Now if you're trying to stay away from making this situation get ugly - I suggest a lawyer would keep things more civil. She is showing a lack of respect for you and a disregard for consequences. You need to get your case together, see a lawyer, and FILE before you let her know what's going on. I would be afraid of her running with one of her lovers and YOUR kid. If she leaves to another state with your kid it could be nigh impossible to get the kid back even if you are given legal custody. Can you imagine how ugly that would get? I know I'm thinking in terms of the worst case scenerio but in this situation I think you need to. Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. Filing for divorce without a lawyer is NOT being prepared for the worst. If you don't get a lawyer she could manipulate things and make promises and you might miss getting it ALL in writing. Then it could be impossible to hold her to her word. Also once she gets custody of the kid it will be almost impossible for you to get the kid back. You need your evidence NOW. I'm not saying that you should be vengeful or bitter. You simply need to be armed just in case she gets vengeful or dirty. Don't underestimate her. Please, please don't do this without a lawyer.

If you can't pay the retainer for one now then borrow the money from a friend, or start stashing away some mad money. Not in a savings account because that's marital property if created after marriage and she can swipe it. Put it in a well hidden place or at your parents house or someone you could trust with your life (let alone trust not to cheat with your wife). Save up until you got what you need and stay quiet about it until you get your lawyer and file for custody AND divorce at the same time.

I'm so sorry to hear this happen to you. I admire your lack of bitterness or vengefulness. It is a good role model for your child. Just be careful not to model being a doormat. I have the tendency to do this myself so I understand the mentality. Take care and I wish the best for you and your child.

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Fate

I'd be banging my head up against a thick wall.
I would agree about getting your kid into your custody, as soon as possible. When my parents divorced I was still young and luckily had minimal questions/feelings towards it. I can imagine it being alot tougher for people who were older than I. Like a few people have mentioned here, concentrate on your daughter, shes what your life is about. While your at it, Get out a bit and relax. The next couple of months are going to be rough.
Good Luck, we're all here for you.

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jadedt

I just had a 4 year relationship end with my fiance. I helped pay her way through school, was up at 4am helping her with her college schoolwork, went through a ton of hard problems cleanly over the years... Now she is out and working full time and migrated into acting as a fun hobby. While I work my ass off making 4 times her income to provide for a good life for the two of us and travelling for work, she turned out to be dating a cast member from a play of hers. Upon my return she wanted a break. After a few weeks of daily conversations to figure out the true story, I find out it wasn't a "break" but a death to our relationship. Looking back at our time together, I just feel used. Now I've told her I am glad we weren't married with kids and 5 years from now, divorced.

Look to the future and like it's been said, focus on your daughter and your future. Appreciate the good times and realize all those moments that justify this decision to move forward.

Unfortunately for me, I love my ex enough to worry about her future and her existence that I showed her how to open a checking account, pay rent, buy groceries, budget her money and move on with her life. I advise her on her dealings with work, with people and with her new man. And she still lives with me ("rent"goes to me and barely covers the food she eats) since she has nowhere else to go. Don't get trapped like me.

Good luck.

Suave

That's a bad situation to be in. It looks like she's playing you though. As a relatively impartial outsider, I say get a divorce now. Don't consult her about it, except when you're giving her the papers to sign. It seems that you're more than willing to be taken in by what she says, and that's not healthy for you. Whether she genuinely wants things to change or not, it's pretty obvious that they're not going to.

SVT01Cobra

Respect the fact that she's manipulating you? That's what she's doing when she says that.
I hate to say it, but she's lying.
There is no love in that relationship no matter how you slice it. If she truly loved you, she would stop. She is making a CONSCIOUS choice to sleep, and flirt with other men. Do not fall into a trap.

It's painful, I can imagine. But if you want to keep your sanity, you need to kick her to the curb.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Rlyss

I really feel for you Mzm, and I really want to reiterate what a lot of people are saying here now, and that is don't consult your wife on anything from now on. It's easy to say that we don't really know what's going on, and that she feels this way or that way, but you really, really need to look out for your son in all of this, whether you like it or not, and whether he was an unwelcome surprise or not. He's the one you should be thinking about and like someone else said, a single happy parents is MUCH better than two unhappy parents. Please don't think for a second that two unhappy parents are better than you alone. Now is the time to act.

Don't ask what she thinks from now on, just get <b>your</b> money together, consult a lawyer and provide a happy life from here on with your son. Your wife is history, you should not, should not, should not take her feelings into consideration any more.

1. Get your money in order.
2. Consult a lawyer.
3. Provide a happy and healthy life for you and your son.

tecoyah

In my opinion, You need to get out of the relationship. There is little hope of changing her, and even if you did.....the trust is gone. I would , at this time, consider what is best for your son in the long run. You are in an extremely unhealthy relationship, which is , unfortunately, only going to get worse.

It is Time to take care of #1......Your Son.

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adam

This is just wrong -- you should kick her out immediately. She is using you.

CaneBay

I agree. How screwed up can this be: she lives off you while she's screwing the guy she had an affair with while you were traveling and working to pay for her lifestyle? So does the rat come over to you place and f__ her while you're away? (I assume you still travel.)

Hey, count yourself lucky: thank God you weren't married, especially with kids.

What does her actor man get? He gets a woman who cheats on her man. Plain and simple. They deserve each other.

Anyway, I think affairs start when a couple isn't in touch with each other. Sounds like you two weren't keeping up with each other, and actor boy comes along to fill a need she thought you weren't.

Most likely a-b will be a transitional lover, the classic "exit affair." She'll boot him, sit around, then get some long term guy to marry her.

Boot her out, go get individuall counseling to see how to do it better next time, and then start to get into activities that will connect you with people (including women) who do the same things you like to do.

If you meet a woman at a bar, you get a woman who meets men in bars. Go to church, meet a woman there, then that's what you get.

What are the personal activities that you like doing, that would produce contacts with women who like to do the things you like?

Good luck!