jillian

i recently got a call from an ex boyfriend of mine who proceeded to bad mouth me and call me every name in the book and he couldnt believe he had sex with me and couldnt believe he didnt catch anything.. and said that he wished i had a sign on my head that said how many people i had been with to warn other guys and girls... so my question is how many is too many... i dont want to be labeled a slut in the board so i wont reveal how many people i have been with... i am very safe... i get tested regularly... i dont go home with a different guy every night... i just enjoy sex... so i guess how many is too many?

ShaniFaye

nobody on this board would post you were a slut no matter what the number was. If you posted something saying that you'd had sex with hundreds/thousands of people and did it unprotected etc...they might say something about your sanity...

Im 36 I've had around 250 different people (men and women) 99 percent of that number was from the age of 17 to 22 and it wasnt always intercourse (I count oral sex in those numbers as well)

he's an ex, who cares what he thinks....as long as you're being careful...getting tested and not knowingly going around passing out diseases...your number is YOUR number and fuck what he thinks

a lot of guys have no problem being "studly" but you let them find out a female enjoys the same thing and they are automatically a slut...ooo that pisses me off

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lunchbox

If you're careful and you're certain you're clean and your partners are, I don't really see a problem. I have to admit, I used to be one of the guys who would care about a girls history but you grow up and if you don't you end up like jillian's ex. I think if you're an adult or you're mature enough you can look past those things. your ex is just a fool in my eyes. I'm not exactly well experienced and I still have this view. Including oral i've only been with 6 people.

jillian

thats what i thought... the sex with this guy was great... he loved it and so did i.... once he found out how many ppl i had been with we split up... he loved the sexc he loved how kinky and fun i was what did he expect?? i was a virgin and knew all of this by just waking up one day??... he had only been with 5 or 6 girls and thought he was a stud with the ladies... we got in a lot of arguments about my past partners and i think he was just uncomfortable with a woman who enjoyed sex that much... i mean ill admit it... i love sex... i personally wouldnt care if my number was 100 times what it is as long as im safe and smart about it... i dont cheat on guys or girls im seeing i just love sex... but lately ive kind of given up on guys so its been alot of solo pleasure for me

jillian

well i dont count my oral sessions because if i did then mynumber would be way to high... the only reason why it bothers me because the last couple guys ive met or talked to or tried to hook up with didnt like how many ppl i was with... and i wasnt even telling them how many i was with... i rounded way down and they still... suddenly "lost interest"

ShaniFaye

the only question you need to ask yourself is if YOU think the number is too high.....unless they are really into bragging...I have found most people are shamed into rounding the number down because of the way society is going to view it.

I count each one of the people I was with as an education in the wonderful mysterious ways of sex...while there were a lot I'd never do again...I still learned something from them on how to relate to another human being on a sexual level and I wouldnt trade that for anything

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

maleficent

What your number is, is entirely your business, if the number was 1, you might get written off for not having enough experience, if that number is 251 you get written off for being too promiscuous. That number is not their business, and they really have no right to ask. If they are concerned about anything, then they should use protection, but STDs can be transmitted if you had 1 partner, 4 partners, or 1000 partners.

That double-standard that Shani mentions is really troublesome.. why should't women be able to enjoy sex the same way men do/

Basically Jillian, that number is not their concern, and your ex was out of line for saying what he said.

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zen_tom

It depends on what the ex was looking for in your relationship. If someone heads into a relationship with the thought that the person they are dating might just be the one, and they find out that they are just one of many (apart from bruising the ego somewhat), it might suggest that you see sex as something apart, or different from, a meaningful relationship. Sometimes sex and relationships become entwined, it's not always easy to separate one from the other.

If you were both together for a good time, then great, but if he wanted to think that you might settle down and consider him as a possible 'one' then it's bound to put him off.

It's not a double standard, just different ways of looking at and understanding sex.

Harshaw

I can't speak for the ex, or the guys who consider a girl a slut if she likes to sleep around. For me, I don't really mind how many guys she has had (as long as she is careful). In fact, I've found sex to be much better when the girl has some notches on her lip stick case. Girls who have had multiple partners tend to do more of the interesting stuff.

What bothers me is how many people she is sleeping with when she is sleeping with me.

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This too shall pass.

Boo

IMO - Who does it hurt if you have sound sexual health practices and maintain a healthy self esteem/personal image. Enjoy yourself, life is short.

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Back button again, I must be getting old.

denim

Sounds like you've been meeting the wrong kind of "men".

Lockjaw

I've determined a lot of guys number of too many is if the girl has had as many or more partners than they have. One of my friends...not a bad guy at all. Very respectful and all...but when he found out his current girl had sex with roughly the same number he had bedded...dropped her like a hot potato.

But hey there's somebody for everybody. If a guy drops you because you have had too many partners...well wasn't ever meant to be. I know a couple of guys that won't even bother to date a girl they know that are virgins because in their eyes she's not worth the effort or would be closed minded. I know others that won't mess with a girl that has had sexual relations with more than just a couple of folks.

My own personal rule...3 per year of sexual maturity starting at 14. For example if a potential mate was 24 30 different partners would be reasonable. Reason being I personally do not believe in one night stands. Never had one never will have one because I think sex should be part of a package and not just a cheap act. In my own mind if a woman had significantly more than that it would make me wonder about her stability relationship wise. I really don't want to be treated as a piece of meat as I wouldn't ever treat her like that. My number at least would give a reasonable expectation that a woman was at least TRYING to have a relationship with the people she was sleeping with and not just out on the prowl constantly. I mean even the most flighty people would only average maybe 3-4 decent length relationships a year.

denim

Wow, I'm WAAAAAAAAAAAY behind! Let's see, I'm 39, almost 40, so by your math I should have 72 notches in my penis. I'm not even in double-digits! LOTS of catch-up needed.

CityOfAngels

A lot of people think that being a slut means having sex with a lot of people. When in fact, you can be a slut and only have sex with one person. All it takes is for you to lie about it to your SO, and for the person you have sex with to be someone other than your SO. That I would call a slut. But a person who just has lots and lots of sex? I'd say that's someone who really enjoys her sexuality.

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Strange Famous

Im 26 and Ive had sex with 2 people

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KirStang

I've had a similar situation, where i was asking this girl how many people she had slept with...she replied, "8, including this one girl.." She was only 17 at the time.

Alot of guys like it alot more, if we are made to feel special, perhaps, "chosen?" A girl who has slept around so much most likely has emotional issues, or is completely unstable. We like girls who have at least some sense of discretion.

Furthermore, i think this has to do alot with how the guy views the girl, and if her sex history is consistent. If i met a nice girl, who was very womanly, and seemed pretty innocent, and then found out she slept w/ 20 guys it would be weird. If another girl who is outwardly promiscuous, who has slept with 20 guys probably won't be that big of a deal.

ShaniFaye

You're kidding me right? Women that have a lot of partners have emotional issues and are unstable?

Ok....what about guys that have a lot of partners....you ARE gonna say the same about them RIGHT?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

adam

I don't think it's insane to be concerned about how many partners someone has had. Regardless of how "safe" your practices are, it increases the chances that you have caught something. Tests aren't 100% (and for all we know there are new diseases they don't catch). For that matter, I might not be 100% comfortable taking your word on the tests (people do lie sometimes).

That's not to say there is some magic number. But as the number goes northwards I would probably hesitate, were I dating right now.

Moreover, the more partners you've had, the smaller the chance that you and I will hook up permanently (after all, none of your other SO's lasted), so if I were looking for something permanent, I might well decide you weren't for me. Many guys would like to be special to their SO's, and it may be harder to have that feeling if you have had a ton of partners. (For that matter, your greater sexual sophistication alone is going to scare off plenty of guys.)

Ustwo

Laugh I wonder what he would say about my female married friend who is into gang bangs.

Sounds like typical male jealousy, its hard to fight.

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ShaniFaye

based on some of the responses here Im sure glad my guy enjoyed the hell out of my experience and NEVER ONCE looked down on me for it. When I found my first husband (which was back when I was enjoying sex a LOT) I completely stopped and he was the ONLY man I was with while our relationship lasted which was 11 years. When I met Dave I once again went into "single partner" mode and have not been with another person in over a year.

Many partners doesnt necessarily signify that a woman cant commit....it signifies that she hasnt found one she WANTS to commit to.

Again I ask...how are we as women supposed to feel about guys that have more experience? Are we supposed to tell them that oops sorry you've had several partners so that means I'll never be special to you?

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

Suave

I think people should just leave the subject alone. What reason, if any, is there for knowing the number of people someone has slept with? You'd have to be horribly insecure or immature to give a shit as far as I can tell.

Meier_Link

It's like Chasing Amy. Great movie. Though it shouldn't matter I have to agree with above stated, a lot of guys are uncomfortable if the number is higher than their own number, myself included. Maybe it's just immaturity but the fact is that it is a problem.

ratbastid

It's a pretty silly thing to be worried about.

Men tend to have this virgin/whore thing going on about women. We want them to to be wanton sluts for us. But they should also be pure and chaste.

How about if people are just people? People have histories. Guess what: those histories mean precisely zero about those people's present or future.

MSD

Our societal taboos regarding sex are a big problem. People need to lighten up and realize that enjoying sex isn't a bad thing. If you're out having a lot of unprotected sex with strangers, there are probably some emotional issues (I think we decided a while back that a slut is someone who uses sex to boost or replace self-esteem,) but as long as you're smart about it, and you get tested regularly and use protection to keep yourself clean, there's nothing wrong with having a lot of sex because you enjoy it.

KirStang

Yea, i probably will. Guys who sleep around too much are probably making up for something too...

I'm not saying that sleeping around is completely wrong, i just don't condone it.

d*d

I neither condone or approve, but I will say that I don't like the thought that my girlfriend has had multitudes of partners - thats an honest opinion and one that I know will be echoed by many guys, I don't know why it should bother me and if I think about it rationally I know it shouldn't for all the equality arguments listed above, but i can't help the way i feel, accept a lot of partners yeah sure I can do that, but i'm not going to pretend I feel fantastic about it.

Lockjaw

That's not true at all. A person personal history has a great deal to do with what they are like now and what they have the potential to do in the future. Does it mean you should completely downgrade people on what they've done in the past? No. But you'd be a fool not to at least consider it in a portion of your judgement of the person especially if you are attempting to make a long term relationship with that person. I mean if you are dating somebody and they did something horrible in the past, BUT they have no signs pointing to that they would repeat the habit forgive past sins so to speak.

For example I wouldn't likely date somebody that had an extended problem with drugs or had a history of mental instability or stalking her ex boyfriends.
Just like I would hope none of the women I know would date a guy who had problems with domestic abuse or had a habit of getting a woman pregnant and then skipping out on them. No offense but ignoring a person's past totally is a good way of getting yourself screwed over.

dksuddeth

Jillian, any guy that gives you crap about the number of partners you've had is only trying to cover up for his own insecurity. point blank. Laugh it off, they aren't worth it.

avhg1

I personally don't look at it as male or female, there is no double standard. I've stated before that I'm a little possesive of my wife and don't really care to think about it with regards to her, but I know how many people she has been with and she knows how many people I've been with. Her past is exactly that past. The only thing that matters to me is from here out.

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I shake the devil's hand daily... I'd do it hourly, but my hand gets tired.

d*d

Whats that dear? you say you've slept over a hundred men... oh. no no why should I mind that a hundred men have shared you the intimate way i find so special between us.
and given oral to twice the amount.. excellent I must say I'm impressed by your liberal attitude towards carnal satisfaction and that you've taken our societies pressure to find happiness in meaningless sexual encounters with so many men to heart. and now you've mentioned it Im sure that as a thouroghly modern guy in control of his insecurities I'll never think about it again after all it wouldn't other you the amount of intimate encounters I've had would it?

Gustoferson

Haha, funny, the first thing I thought of was a Kevin Smith movie as well, except Clerks instead for me. The point is, and Dante after being a dumbass eventually realizes, that none of that stuff matters beyond a childish initial response. I had never thought about the way both Clerks and Chasing Amy had that idea in common.

It really doesn't matter how many people you've been with in my view as a guy. The only thing I can see for myself would be a little bit of intimidation, as I've only slept with one girl so experience on my part might lack in comparison. But again thats just a stupid knee-jerk reaction because something must be right if you're going to shag anyway. Hell, experience can teach experience and i'd always be up for learning. After all, isn't learning why I'm in college?

But yeah, ex-boyfriend saying all that stuff is just typical male jealousy/machoism in my mind. He's not trying to belittle you, but trying to belittle all the other people you've been with and trying to make himself feel like he's above all them. By saying he's suprised he had sex with you, he's trying to feel better than what he sees as the competition who had sex with you and apparently had no problem with it. Its just bullshit trying to make himself feel better, so ignore it and realize whatever happened to make you two 'ex-es' obviously was a good thing in the end to get away from someone like that.

Kudos on getting tested regularly and being able to enjoy yourself however you see fit. Don't let people stigmatize you for doing something you enjoy and do safely.

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...And then I found $5!

elydian

I think any guy who has a problem with his girl's "number" being too high has more issues with himself than he does with her.

Personally I wouldn't give a shit if the number was six figures long (although there may have to be certain laws of biology, maybe even physics, broken to achieve that).

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Now watch this drive.

d*d

oh well, wish I was as "right on" as all the guys proclaiming that it doesn't matter how many men have had sex with their girlfriends, If I'm honest with myself I know I like to think of sex as special shared act not something to do every weekend with different people because I can (generalisation I know), I disagree with the way sex is treated and used in media and society itself and think we are being sold short on the whole liberal attitude thing

elydian

Why?

I don't understand this point of view.

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Now watch this drive.

ShaniFaye

elydian dont try to understand it....this is the attitude of guys she needs to stay away from...you wont understand why they feel that way anymore than they understand how a guy DOESNT mind an experienced woman

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I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!

elydian

Yeh, I think the problem with views like that one is they confuse their "can"s and "should"s.

One of the great things about sex is there's many things it "can" be, but it's important to realise that there is no one way or thing it "should" be (other than mind-numbingly good ).

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Now watch this drive.

irateplatypus

call me old fashioned... but i think if you're intimate enough w/a person to have sex with them, there shouldn't have anything like "your business" and "my business" between you. sex should be the apex of human relationships... the final intimate act that is only done when all other trust and intimacy levels have been cemented.

the number of partners a person has had seems to be besides the point, i just don't see how anything is outside the limits of communication when you're involved with someone in such intimate ways.

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If you will not fight when your victory will be sure and not too costly, you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you and only a precarious chance for survival. There may even be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is no hope of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.

~ Winston Churchill

cj22009

Jillian to be honest with ya that guy was just jelous that you have had more partners than him. Personaly I don't see a problem with what your doing as long as your safe about it. I look at it this if a girls has been with more people than me maybee she can show me something I did't know it all boils down to maturity to be truthful some guys just can't handle the fact that girls like sex to.

StephenSa

Understandable or not it is an issue with a lot of guys. Me, I have to admit it would bother me if I knew the number of men my wife had been with before me. I live in a "don't ask don't tell" world. I don't know, I don't wanna know. I'd still love her and basically nothing would change but if it was a high number then every time I met one of her guy friends or aquaintances I'd wonder if she had slept with him in the past. This would lead to an unseemly picture in my head and I just don't need that aggravation. She had a life before me and is into sex more than I am so I imagine she has had her share and thats fine. I don't know the details or the numbers and wrong or not, it helps me sleep easier. This guy has a problem with this issue and thats his right. It is not his right to call you names and make you feel bad about yourself. Any person that does that isn't worth your time. You are better off without him. As for how many is too many, there is no answer. Each person decides that for themself. I say as long as you are comfortable with it and safe what you do is your business and you can feel good about that. Some people wait until they are married and never have another partner, some get it twice a day. No ones wrong, no ones right, just different.

onodrim

To echo what many other people have already said - as long as you're enjoying yourself and being smart, there's nothing wrong with having been with a lot of people. Don't let your ex get to you, he's in the wrong here, not you.

And all you ladies who have mentioned how you've been with girls as well as guys, how did you manage? Cause I can't seem to find a single one.

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"The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there’s little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides"
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