Spotila

It was my day off studying today. I went and bought roses and had them delivered to her classroom. What a lovely surprise that must've been, though I didn't recieve and instant thankyou.

But anyway, we went for a walk tonight in the park. Just a short one, she had to be home. We chatted and kissed and everything was as it normally is. Peaceful, happy, playful. I dropped her off home and walked 35 minutes to my place, a walk I make twice I day just for her.

It's now later in the evening, and we start chatting on msn. We're discussing dresses and fireworks, two common topics. We start to discuss her courses once she gets to uni, she wants to become a secondary school teacher. "My lil school teacher/social worker" I told her, to which she replied "my lil no-hoper", as a joke. After a few more 'jokey' lines, she spits out "I think we should break up. You never accept my opinons. We are not the same anymore." I told her she was scaring me and she said "yea well it happens".
(and for the record, I take total respect in all her opinions and wishes as best I can, even when I disapprove). She went offline, unlike usual not wishing me any love, asking me to text her, and so on. I text her inquiring what was wrong. "What would you care". I told her I was ready to listen when she was ready to tell me, as always.

Also a few days prior, she states that "we never tell each other anything anymore". I swear I tell her everything that happens to me each day.

I guess what I'm asking is, where could this have come from? Yes we've had fights before, but they last a day if that. Today I did more for her than I usually do, and this happens. We've been together only 4 months but, it's the most incredible thing to ever happen to either of us. She's well known for saying things she doesn't mean on impulse, this is the thing I try to remember. I be strong, try not to reply with anger or spite. It's very tricky.

Causes for this? The pill affecting her hormones? We are both young, and as you can imagine we've made promise after promise which I sincerely intend to keep. She still has years left in her teens where I can respect she wants to have fun, be wild etc etc. And she does this without any bitching from me.

I'm not sure what else I can tell you, if you have questions I'm happy to answer them. It's just advice I'm asking for. Any help at all will be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot.
Paul

Rlyss

Wow, that's a harsh one. Really harsh. How certain are you that it was your comment about being a school teacher/social worker that sparked it off? Also, when she replied 'my little no-hoper', was she referring to herself as a no-hoper, or to you as one?

I had some plans earlier this year to become a teacher, and since I'm finishing an Arts degree, I did get a lot of crap from some people about being a slacker, asking when I'll get a real degree. After a while it did get tough to shrug it off and it got very personal, and I snapped once when my then-girlfriend made a comment about making more money than me in the future. I told her that I know she doesn't have any respect for people who study in my field and I was getting really sick of it, and it caused a number of arguments.

Anyway, my point is that maybe she feels a bit ashamed about her career choice? Of course she shouldn't, but there are always people/idiots who think, 'Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach'. Maybe she's getting a bit of shit from various people and it's getting to her? If you're absolutely certain that during your walk in the park and everything that she was normal, then I guess she was either hiding it well or it was the MSN chat that sparked it.

Then again, there is always the possibility that she just plain isn't happy in this relationship, for one or a number of reasons and she needed a way to get out of it. Ending a relationship with 'It's just not working' always leaves the dumped with a million and one unanswered questions so the easy way out is to just make something up and turn it into a huge deal as an escape. That might explain why she says you guys don't communicate.

But you should definitely talk to her and ask her if this was an impulse thing, or if it's the truth. Hopefully she's strong enough to admit it was on impulse <b>and</b> that she will work extremely hard for that never to happen agin. It's all very well to have a kneejerk reaction to something occasionally but to consistently do it and dismiss it as impulse isn't good enough.

You should do your best to talk to her and communicate what you're feeling, and certainly let her do the same, give her all the space and time she needs and hopefully you can find a balance between support, encouragement and pressure, then she might open up to you and tell you what's really on her mind.

It sounds to me like you're a bit older than her so hey, you've only been with her for four months and true colors are beginning to show. There is always the possibility that she's just a high school kid who doesn't want to be tied down. If that's the case, let her, and you do the same.

Spotila

Cheers for that.
In response to your first question, no it wasn't the teacher comment that sparked it. This I'm sure of. Infact that's really quite an irrelevant part of the story.

Once I got down to the part about not being happy in the relationship is where I started relating. About what you said about "Hopefully she's strong enough to admit it was on impulse and that she will work extremely hard for that never to happen again". This is something I fear she isn't. After some of the other fights we've discussed them and agreed similar things won't happen again. For example, she asked me to leave her because she felt she wasn't good enough for me. After this we agreed she wouldn't ask me that again. Alas she did. Twice . If she promised she wouldn't ask me that and then she did, how can I trust any of her other promises?
And you're right, it isn't good enough to consistently do it and dismiss it as an impulse. That's something I really want to sort out.

Communication yes, I'll take this and run with it. I have already been formulating in my head how to talk to her and what to say, but you stressing it has made it seem more crucial. Thing is, at the beginning the communication seemed so much easier. She wrote to me saying it was ok for me to complain about things, tell her my problems. Where now she seems to be more dismissive... if I were to bring up a relationship problem I fear I'd be ripped apart. But you get nothing if you don't try, right :~x

Thanks, more advice would be great.
Paul

p.s. she was refering to me as the no-hoper, but it was meant as a joke. She's not _that_ harsh.

avhg1

Watch out for trying to make her talk if she doesn't want to or isn't ready. That alone could make the arguement worse. I'm a talker and my wife is a silent thinker and I sometimes have to force myself not to talk right away. Before you launch into a relationship discussion, ask her if she wants to talk about it or start with something very minor to see if she explodes.

The part about being ok to complain kind of sets off a bell in my head. The times that I've heard that, it has not been a good time to talk about the relationship, because the tone has already been set. It is just complaining in her eyes.

SpoilSport

I hate to be the harbinger of doom here... But a few red flags for me:

1) She has a few years left in her teens.
I do not think she knows what she wants and she is still testing new grounds and identifying herself. In all likelyhood, this will continue to change, perhaps drastically in the next few years, at least. From what I have seen, there is every possiblity that should you stay together, she will continue to lay the blame with you for holding her back and conversely, forcing her into decision that she made exclusively for your benefit.

B) You seem to make it too easy for her to walk all over you. DON'T GET ME WRONG: I think that the fact that you do as much as you do for her is very sweet. But my concern is (and this requires an assumption of age on my part) that you are establishing patterns with this relationship. That she will become accustomed to the role of the recipient permitted constant indulgence and you as the doormat. Forgive me if that is harsh. I do not mean for it to be, but felt that the term was appropriate. I do not mean to belittle your feelings for the girl in any way, I truly do not.

4) "She's well known for saying things she doesn't mean on impulse, this is the thing I try to remember. I be strong, try not to reply with anger or spite. It's very tricky." Why?!!? Reread previous paragraph.

Four months into this relationship... Do you want four YEARS of being treated like this? For all the things you have said you have done for her, you deserve better treatment than this. She's young. She's VERY young. Expect for her to go through mercurial changes, succumbing to not only her own opinions, but those of her friends as well. I am sorry that I could not offer a more cheery post, but this is what I see from my standpoint. Enjoy the relationship for what it is. But do not subject yourself to punishment you do not deserve.

Locs

Couldnt have said it better myself Spoil.

I know it is hard to imagine, and hard to accept, but a majority of younger females, do not know what they want. Or in other words, want/need something one day and something totally different the next.

I know, I know, there are exceptions to this, but I have found 90% of the time, a girl 23-24+ knows what she wants, is more stable emotionally, and doesnt play as many mind games.

My thoughts are just like Spoils on this situation.

Spotila

I appreciate, understand and relate to much of your advice. Since I'm in a bit of a rush, I should ask jst one question.
" That she will become accustomed to the role of the recipient permitted constant indulgence and you as the doormat."

How might you guys suggest I could turn this around a bit? Give myself a more dominant place in the relationship, while still caring for her and continue giving to her?
Cheers
Paul

SpoilSport

Spots, I feel for you, man, I really do. But, and no offense meant, you have the wrong idea here. Going into it with that mindset, you're courting disatrous results. Now, I don't know you and I don't know her, but my guess is if you upset the little emotional ecosystem she's got set up here, she's going to either: a) lose her mind, 2) try to make you jealous, d) move on to someone she can get to play her game.

Is this really worth all of this upset? And again, no offense meant - you might feel that it is and I do not mean to belittle your feelings in anyway - but it is not. A lot of us have been there. It almost always ends the same. The waking up from that daze when you have finally had enough and shaking your head at what a fool you've been and how much time, effort. and money you've lost.

If you are in a relationship where you have to play mind games (again, forgive the wordage, I don't know how else to put it) to get the desired results, you should, at that point, cut bait and move on. There is nothing to do except that make sure that you start out a relationship NOT being the doormat. Be the kind of person you are for her for someone that will appreciate it and love you back for it.

I wish you luck, I really do, and hope that you know that we are here for you if you need us for words of encouragement and chiding you for mistakes we've already made.

kollege_gal2000

I've read everyone's response, and even though I agree with the majority of it, I do want to say one thing.

Sometimes, girls have bad days, and sometimes guys forget about that. I think you really need to talk to her about it, because they are right, you do not want to end up being a doormat all your life, but do understand that when approaching a girl to talk, though seems normal to you, may not always be to the girl.

Sometimes girls need time to sort through their thoughts before they want to talk to guys. My b/f pushes me all the time to open up and talk to him. The problem with this is that he almost always wants me to talk when he is ready, but that does not mean that I am ready to open up.

If might want to take into consideration that you may have just been the last person that pushed the wrong button. If this is the case, she should be the one that comes to you and appologizes, not the other way around.

__________________
I am not afraid of tomorrow; for I have seen yesterday and love today!

Subliminal mind

I hate to break it to you but if she says you never tell each other anything anymore, it means she never tells you anything anymore.

viper12047

Ya i have to agree it sounds like she is keeping a lot of things from you probley more than you even know. I know I found out the hardway.

jon_264

I'd be inclined to agree with Viper on this one.

Also I'd say that sending her flowers could of been the reason she ended the relationship. After only 4 months she probably thought it was all getting a bit too serious. Best to move on I think!