ToothpicksMcgee

I'll try to make this short, but here it goes:

I've been going out with my current girlfriend for two months now, so it hasn't been too long, just feels like a long time now, since we see eachother almost everyday. She's the kind of girl who's never had a serious relationship, and this is her first with me. The longest its lasted for her before was about a month. She's 17, I'm going to be 20 soon. She's never even made out yet, but I never make a big deal out of it, I just tease her about it and it's no issue. She's actually pretty open about sex and we talk about it regularly and it doesn't seem to bother her much at all.

However.. about a week ago, she had something to tell me. She told me she was "affraid of how much she liked me" and that she had never felt this strong in a relationship before. She's really in touch with her emotions, and when we first went out she had a lot of difficulty expressing herself with words, but I told her I understood that she was shy and it was all new to her.

But now after almost two months, we're somewhat comfortable enough with eachother, we know eachother better as time goes and we discover new things we like or may not like. Except ofcourse that we still haven't made out. We talk about it, and how it should work.. but there's something I don't understand.

She slowly pushes me away. When we kiss, it's fine. But whenever I try to kiss her more than once in succession, she pushes or slowly pulls away and lets go. For example..3 nights ago, we were on the couch and we started fooling around and kissing eachother more than usual, but as soon as she sensed we would enter that "makeout" zone, she made motion for me to stop. I suggested we forget about it and try some other time.

I ask her sometimes what is wrong and If I'm doing something that she doesn't like, but she says she does like the way I do it. Last night I tried kissing her neck before I came back home, but she told me to stop. I asked her what was wrong and if she didn't like it anymore, but she replied with "no, it's because I love it so much". so huh??? I can't go much farther at this point, I'm still trying to connect this behaviour with what she said above; "I'm affraid of how much I like you". She told me herself it had something to do with it, but I can't really put the pieces together. Maybe it's something about me she's not telling me or doesn't have the heart to say, but sometimes when I feel her hands put pressure on my chest for me to back away, it kind of hurts emotionally.

Can anybody gimme some insight on this? Is this common? I understand she's completely innexperienced, but I never try to force anything on her. Sometimes I think it's love I feel for this girl and hurting her like that..I could never. I don't care *GASP*!!!! about the sex, I only want her to feel comfortable I guess.

maleficent

She's somewhat young, and sounds inexperienced, not that there's anything at all wrong with that... What's her relationship history? I am well aquainted with the pushing people away... (that whole fear of getting your heart stomped on thing)

You sound like you are "handling" her the right way, making her comfortable, not putting pressure on her, and stopping when she says to... There's a but I have there that I can't quite bring myself to say as a woman...

What's her family history like? Talking about sex is one thing, clinical is one way, emotional is something completely different, is her family affectionate?

She really sounds like she's afraid of her own feelings and her own sexuality, which is also somewhat normal.... maybe, when she's of age, she wants to pop into her and she can ask her questions...

__________________

thed00t

It could be a number of things.

One, she's just plain afraid of screwing up because she cares a lot about you. She's comfortable enough to push you away, but not comfortable enough to let you know how inexperienced she is. She could self conscience about not "knowing what to do". But that is better than her sleeping with you when she isn't comfortable with it because she doesn't want you to become frustrated with her. So at least she's comfortable enough, emotionally, with you to even push you away and not expect disappointment on your part. Which means you need to continue to be patient and not express disappointment. Girls tend to pick up on little nuances and she may interpret you're bringing the issue up as potential disappointment. Even though that is clearly not your intent.

Or two, it could be that she has a personal hang up about sex and she's not ready to move on yet. This might just take time, or it might take a deeper understanding of what's she's really thinking. It could be a personal experience that makes her develop anxiety.

Or it could even be that she's playing hard to get to make sure that you feel the same way about her as she does you. She keeps mentioning that she cares so much about you. This could be scary territory for her. "What if I screw it up? What if he's only after sex? I might lose my best friend!”

The bottom line is that she's clearly not comfortable with that stage of the relationship and it might be made worsened by your attempts to communicate. I know, catch 22, if you don't communicate you're not sensitive to her needs, but if you do, by bringing it up, and she feels pressured. Make sure she understands that you care about her and you are willing to wait as long as necessary. After that, don't bring it up. Keep making attempts, but if she pushes you away, just cuddle with her for a few moments and then break away. Don't be overbearing. This could not only scare her away, but also set a bad expectation. Any guy who has dated an insecure woman knows what I'm referring to. But the cuddling and holding will do a lot for her physical feelings of security and I'm sure she'll come around eventually.

One additional suggestion is to make her feel like she’s exciting to you. Tell her that you want to be the one that takes her through these experiences.

Good luck!

ToothpicksMcgee

Thank you both for the helpful insight

Her family seems pretty affectionate. She seems to be very close with her mom and she tells me they talk about the relationship quite alot, so they are quite open with eachother. When we have a fight her parents usually end up knowing about it. When she talks about sex it can be for fun and she occasionally asks me how far I've gone and that kind of thing, not always purely clinical talk, and she seems pretty comfortable about, which is surprising because she usually blushes at the slightest things. She just likes talking about it casually.

thed00t:

Hmm now that you mention this, she did slip in the conversation once she was affraid she didn't know what to do, but she's let me know before how innexperienced she is. I never triggered the sex talk, in fact, she was the first to ask me if I was a virgin. That's partially what is kind of unsettling about it because she's comfortable enough to say she's never been into that territory before yet.. well, you know.

Anyway, I will seriously take the advice into consideration as it seems like the most rational path to take. I guess it just takes time, so we'll see how that goes.

impulse03

all the above advice is good.


however, did you ever think about actually talking to her face to face about it. maybe even telling her how when she pushes you away it hurts emotionally???

maleficent

This might seem a little dorky,. but it may help expand her limits -- Spencers and other such stores sell Romance Dice (http://www.ladybliss.com/Catalog/Products.aspx?pid=9631) where you roll the dice and the person does something silly - (or romantic)

She may be afraid of going to far and not being able to stop -- so if all she has to do is what's on the dice, it may be a safer way for her to expand on what she'll do.

__________________