Domination/Submission problem. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

la petite moi · 09-06-2004, 06:48 AM

Okay, so nwlinkvxd asked me to post this question to everyone, so here goes:

For as long as I've been sexually active, I've had fantasies about being completely submissive to my partner (which, subsequently, is now nwlinkvxd, who I want to marry). Anyway, I wanted to be completely his- a calm listener who does as she's told. Now, we've tried these roles for the last couple weeks. (However, he's been 3 1/2 hours away for about 9 of those days.) He's told me what to wear, sometimes he's told me what to do to myself, and I've asked permission for certain things. When he came home, I did mostly everything he wanted- sexually (ie- him taking me to an area where anyone could see us at a given point while I'm wearing a new vibrator toy he got me, making me to suck him, and then making me take my pants down to take it in the ass) or otherwise.

Then, last night, we tried something a little heavier. He used saran wrap to completely wrap me up, taking me, spanking me and making me suck him. He later did this to me while in a chair, and after realising that with the chair sitting upright he couldn't access any of my holes, he basically pushed the chair and my ass into the air, with my face shoved right into the carpet (painful). At this point, I was completely humiliated (he was fucking me in the ass, pushing air into my vagina, which resulted in several loud queefs- very embarassing to me).

I knew humiliation was part of our roles. When I let him know I was mortified, he stopped and unwrapped me. I felt so bad for not being able to do what he wanted, and on top of that, I didn't comply to another demand right after him unwrapping me.

My question is: Why have I waited for so long to have this 24/7-ish experience of dom/sub, and then chickened out? And my second question is: How can I cure myself of my insecurities so I can do as I'm told whenever it's demanded of me?

MSD · 09-06-2004, 07:15 AM

Maybe the sub lifestyle just ins't for you. On the other hand, maybe you have to start off smaller and build up to the big stuff.

brianna · 09-06-2004, 07:21 AM

often fantasies are meant to be just fantasies. When we fantasies about something it is exactly as we want it -- real life can never be that way. You should feel no shame that you do not enjoy the extreme dom/sub role just because you do enjoy it in your fantasy life and you should not force yourself to do something that you do not enjoy.

The Phenomenon · 09-06-2004, 07:27 AM

Well I suppose it IS something that will need practice and getting used to.

if this is your first go I don't see why you expect it to go perfectly from the first.

And getting your face shoved into the carpet is painful, as in BAD pain. That will turn you off and make you feel less like doing these types of things.

maleficent · 09-06-2004, 07:34 AM

Safe words are also part of the D/s fantasy for when it gets to be too much for either party. Did you talk out why you needed to stop? Every person had a limit, a place where they can't or won't go. Maybe you found one of your limits.

You are both new at this lifestyle, you are both learning.

Read up on it and try it again.

Putting yourself into a completely submissive position is about completely trusting your partner, and he's got to earn that trust. He's on his way to earning it by stopping it when you requested. Try again doing something less embarassing to you.

I don't think there's a book called D/s for Dummies, so it's going to be a learning process for both of you - -just do what feels right for you. Don't worry about what you THINK the lifestyle is.

Being sexually submissive is done because you receive pleasure from it, not because it's what you think he wants. There's a book that explores the that lifestyle, which is interesting reading, pick up a copy, it's called something like Screw the Roses, Send me the thorns or something like that...

ShaniFaye · 09-06-2004, 09:00 AM

To add my two cents....there are varying degrees of the sub/dom relationship...it DOES NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE HUMILIATION.

Dave and I live this lifestyle in a unique way...out of the bedroom Im the dominant one and in the bedroom HE is the dominant one.

As a couple the two of you have to do what works for you and what is comfortable....there are guidelines you can go by..but in the end it you're not comfortable with it, there is no point to it.

Dave and I were like this before we met, with different people and were both of the belief that humilation in our cases was quite pointless and the meaning to us was NOT belittle, demean, or emabarrass the other person.

I am SO dominant in all aspects of my life...the pleasure of being the submissive "in the bedroom" is SO fulfilling I cant even begin to explain completely. To give sexual control to the man I love, to show him the trust that he deserves in all aspects of our sexuality...our play includes bondage, knife (and other sharp objects) play, and choking, all incorporated into the sexual acts themselves.

I know the "die" hard BDSM crowd will say its not the same...but thats their OPINION, they dont live with us...they dont see how we handle our day to day lives...god I could write a book and what we do and how we do it. Yes its a lifestyle, but that doesnt mean that we all do it the same way.

BDSM for us is about love and trust first and foremost....the willingness to submit comes with the implicit trust you have in your partner and love drives your obidience or control. I KNOW without any doubt that Dave will never do anything at all to hurt or humilate me and he knows the same with me.

We were at his sisters last nite and were showing her our new tat's (which for those of you that havent seen my thread in the portraits forum they are the BDSM emblem) and trying to explain it to her. The first words out of her mouth were...so do you make him crawl around on all fours around the house and bark like a dog and wait on you. Unfortunately THAT is an all to common image that vanilla's have of our lifestyle. I would NEVER humilate him that way. We have our discipline ways when he either forgets to do something (which is very few and far between, because he's THAT good) or I'm being a "bratty" sub in the bedroom, that do not entail humiliation because its not for us. It works for other people, but I have NO desire to degrade the love of my life.

Here is a website that I use for reading references sometimes that I've found to have very informative links that you might check out when you get time

http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm

and if you would like to talk about anything in private feel free to PM me anytime!!

Good luck in your chosen way...just take the time to go at a pace that is comfortable...you cant learn it all in a day.

ratbastid · 09-06-2004, 11:29 AM

There's nothing to "cure". In my (admitedly fairly limited) experience with D/s play, there's a boundary that gets pushed, explored, maybe even expanded. But once something crosses that boundary, that's when the safeword gets used and action stops. Fun is fun, but it's got to stay in the realm of fun, or it's not hot anymore. Once there's "real" fear or humiliation overwhelming the excitement and heat, things change. I say "real" in quotation marks, because it's not like the lower levels of fear and humiliation aren't real, they're just... at a level that evokes "play", not "threat".

You do HAVE a safeword, don't you? If not, agree on one before you play again. Lots of people use a pair of words--one that means "easy there" and the other that means "stop right now". lurkette and I used "Wednesday" and "Thursday". I'm getting to the point that I'm hearing "Wednesday" less and less frequently. We've never actually used "Thursday".

There's NO SHAME in using your safeword. Your safeword is not the same as "saying no". Nobody should feel bad because anybody used the safeword--it's not like that. The safeword might even be used in the event of "too much of a good thing". It's not "you did bad, stop that". It's not "I'm too weak to take it". You should feel safe with it. That's why it's called a safeword.

This is an inherant part of the D/s game. Even the baddest-ass submissives have and use safewords. There's nothing to "cure" about you that you have boundaries. That's very, very healthy.

ShaniFaye · 09-06-2004, 12:12 PM

ok....more two cents...my other two cents got interupted with a call to the bedroom ha ha

I went off on the humiliation thing before, and I was lying in the bed afterwards and it hit me that the kind of humiliation you were talking about, just might not be the same as what I was.

You said

Quote:

My question is: Why have I waited for so long to have this 24/7-ish experience of dom/sub, and then chickened out? And my second question is: How can I cure myself of my insecurities so I can do as I'm told whenever it's demanded of me?

Nothing you said sounds like "chickening" out to me....as has been stated by myself and others...you have to find your limits.....and that is going to take time...communication, as in every kind of relationship, is VERY important with a BDSM one. There are things that happened with other partners of mine that dont happen with Dave, because we all have differences in our wants and expectations.

Im only quoting the first part of this because its long, you can find the rest here...
http://www.leathernroses.com/general...munication.htm

Quote:

Communication is one of the most important aspects of a d/s relationship. It can be considered the most important aspect. Without communication, any relationship will not last very long.
Communication affects a relationship in many ways. Firstly, it allows the participants to grow closer to one another through sharing their thoughts and feelings. For many people having a close mental and emotional bond with their partner is an important part of their relationship. Without effective communication, that bond can not be created.

Secondly, it allows each person to learn more about the other person. In a d/s relationship that is very important for both a dominant or a submissive. A submissive can't meet the needs of the dominant unless he/she knows what those needs are, and what makes the dominant happiest. A dominant can not make informed choices for the submissive's best interests, if the dominant does not know the submissive's desires and likes or dislikes.

Communication breeds trust in the relationship. The better you get to know someone, the more you either trust or distrust them. Without communication, trust can not grow and a d/s relationship relies on trust to be satisfying.

Many are confused as to what is true communication and what is not. Barking out orders and expecting total obedience in return, is a form of communication, but it is not the communication that builds the relationship. When we talk about communication in a d/s relationship, we are discussing the ability of the participants to talk to one another. Conversations about mundane things, emotions, problems, concerns, and anything else, is communication. In a relationship, the ability to talk to one another is of utmost importance to keeping the relationship alive.

How does one communicate effectively in a d/s relationship? This differs for everyone, but some of the basics of effective communication apply to every relationship. First you have to be able to talk. To place your thoughts or feelings into words, then express those words to your partner. Second, and the hardest part of communication, you have to know how to listen. By that I mean, really listen. Not pretend to listen, or hear only bits and pieces, then finish the sentence for the speaker. You have to be able to calmly listen to what your partner is saying, and actually hear it.

Changes in your insecurities will come as the relationship develops and you BOTH learn how to handle the control/non control. The person in control can be, for lack of a better term, power hungry in the beginning and not always think clearly about how the wants affect the submissive.

USE that site I mentioned earlier, there is a wealth of information there...such as responsibilities of the master to the slave...sample contracts, the roles of master and slave etc.

I just cannot stress enuff the need for you two to COMMUNICATE, if there are sex acts that you find "humiliating" then find ways for the two of you to work on that until you are NOT humiliated anymore.

I was so embarrased the first time I got restrained and flogged....but now there are days I sit at work and CRAVE it...and I will find ways to "egg" Dave on to ensure that I get a good flogging when I get home...(the first dom I ever had told me I would never be anything but a bratty sub because Im SO strongwilled and dominant). To me there is not a lot in the world more satisfying that the sex that follows a flogging session hehe

SparklingDot · 09-06-2004, 11:01 PM

http://www.akashaweb.com/ak_web.htm

That's a good site for D/s research. It has variations on situations and things to consider. Its the closest to D/s for Dummies that I've come across. Keep in mind that everyone has their limits and you two will reach them faster than you think if you don't talk.

Bryndian_Dhai · 09-17-2004, 12:17 AM

I am a Switch, predominantly sensual Submissive. I've been in the D/s lifestyle for almost 15 years.

Most of what's been said here is wonderful advice. The one thing I will say is that when you are first setting out to explore the BDSM lifestyle, and your nature as a submissive, and his as a Dominant, there will be lots of moments when you "chicken out". Make sure you have open, honest communication, make sure you have a safeword, make sure you both understand your limits.

Two places to visit:

First:

Castle Realm .... This is an AMAZING resource site for all Dominants and submissives and anyone interested in learning more about BDSM.

The second site is perhaps the most important:

BDSM Play Partner Checklist .... Anyone who is active in BDSM, especially if you do not have a regular partner or are just starting out with your partner should have a BDSM Submissive's checklist done. Your Dom should do one, too. This one is one of the most detailed I've ever seen. I've had a version of a checklist filled out for almost the entire 15 years... Even when I wasn't active in the lifestyle, I still occasionally took it out and updated it when I tried something new, even in a vanilla context.

It is a rich, and rewarding lifestyle for those who are possessed of the nature and inclination to life it. Good luck!!

Bryn

09-06-2004, 06:48 AM	#1 (permalink)
la petite moi Filling the Void. Location: California	Domination/Submission problem. Okay, so nwlinkvxd asked me to post this question to everyone, so here goes: For as long as I've been sexually active, I've had fantasies about being completely submissive to my partner (which, subsequently, is now nwlinkvxd, who I want to marry). Anyway, I wanted to be completely his- a calm listener who does as she's told. Now, we've tried these roles for the last couple weeks. (However, he's been 3 1/2 hours away for about 9 of those days.) He's told me what to wear, sometimes he's told me what to do to myself, and I've asked permission for certain things. When he came home, I did mostly everything he wanted- sexually (ie- him taking me to an area where anyone could see us at a given point while I'm wearing a new vibrator toy he got me, making me to suck him, and then making me take my pants down to take it in the ass) or otherwise. Then, last night, we tried something a little heavier. He used saran wrap to completely wrap me up, taking me, spanking me and making me suck him. He later did this to me while in a chair, and after realising that with the chair sitting upright he couldn't access any of my holes, he basically pushed the chair and my ass into the air, with my face shoved right into the carpet (painful). At this point, I was completely humiliated (he was fucking me in the ass, pushing air into my vagina, which resulted in several loud queefs- very embarassing to me). I knew humiliation was part of our roles. When I let him know I was mortified, he stopped and unwrapped me. I felt so bad for not being able to do what he wanted, and on top of that, I didn't comply to another demand right after him unwrapping me. My question is: Why have I waited for so long to have this 24/7-ish experience of dom/sub, and then chickened out? And my second question is: How can I cure myself of my insecurities so I can do as I'm told whenever it's demanded of me? Last edited by la petite moi; 09-06-2004 at 06:59 AM..

09-06-2004, 07:34 AM	#5 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	Safe words are also part of the D/s fantasy for when it gets to be too much for either party. Did you talk out why you needed to stop? Every person had a limit, a place where they can't or won't go. Maybe you found one of your limits. You are both new at this lifestyle, you are both learning. Read up on it and try it again. Putting yourself into a completely submissive position is about completely trusting your partner, and he's got to earn that trust. He's on his way to earning it by stopping it when you requested. Try again doing something less embarassing to you. I don't think there's a book called D/s for Dummies, so it's going to be a learning process for both of you - -just do what feels right for you. Don't worry about what you THINK the lifestyle is. Being sexually submissive is done because you receive pleasure from it, not because it's what you think he wants. There's a book that explores the that lifestyle, which is interesting reading, pick up a copy, it's called something like Screw the Roses, Send me the thorns or something like that... __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

09-06-2004, 09:00 AM	#6 (permalink)
ShaniFaye Submit to me, you know you want to Location: Lilburn, Ga	To add my two cents....there are varying degrees of the sub/dom relationship...it DOES NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE HUMILIATION. Dave and I live this lifestyle in a unique way...out of the bedroom Im the dominant one and in the bedroom HE is the dominant one. As a couple the two of you have to do what works for you and what is comfortable....there are guidelines you can go by..but in the end it you're not comfortable with it, there is no point to it. Dave and I were like this before we met, with different people and were both of the belief that humilation in our cases was quite pointless and the meaning to us was NOT belittle, demean, or emabarrass the other person. I am SO dominant in all aspects of my life...the pleasure of being the submissive "in the bedroom" is SO fulfilling I cant even begin to explain completely. To give sexual control to the man I love, to show him the trust that he deserves in all aspects of our sexuality...our play includes bondage, knife (and other sharp objects) play, and choking, all incorporated into the sexual acts themselves. I know the "die" hard BDSM crowd will say its not the same...but thats their OPINION, they dont live with us...they dont see how we handle our day to day lives...god I could write a book and what we do and how we do it. Yes its a lifestyle, but that doesnt mean that we all do it the same way. BDSM for us is about love and trust first and foremost....the willingness to submit comes with the implicit trust you have in your partner and love drives your obidience or control. I KNOW without any doubt that Dave will never do anything at all to hurt or humilate me and he knows the same with me. We were at his sisters last nite and were showing her our new tat's (which for those of you that havent seen my thread in the portraits forum they are the BDSM emblem) and trying to explain it to her. The first words out of her mouth were...so do you make him crawl around on all fours around the house and bark like a dog and wait on you. Unfortunately THAT is an all to common image that vanilla's have of our lifestyle. I would NEVER humilate him that way. We have our discipline ways when he either forgets to do something (which is very few and far between, because he's THAT good) or I'm being a "bratty" sub in the bedroom, that do not entail humiliation because its not for us. It works for other people, but I have NO desire to degrade the love of my life. Here is a website that I use for reading references sometimes that I've found to have very informative links that you might check out when you get time http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm and if you would like to talk about anything in private feel free to PM me anytime!! Good luck in your chosen way...just take the time to go at a pace that is comfortable...you cant learn it all in a day. __________________ *I want the diabetic plan that comes with rollover carbs. I dont like the unused one expiring at midnite!!*

09-06-2004, 11:01 PM	#9 (permalink)
SparklingDot Insane	http://www.akashaweb.com/ak_web.htm That's a good site for D/s research. It has variations on situations and things to consider. Its the closest to D/s for Dummies that I've come across. Keep in mind that everyone has their limits and you two will reach them faster than you think if you don't talk. __________________ 17 seconds is all you really need - Smashing Pumpkins

09-17-2004, 12:17 AM	#10 (permalink)
Bryndian_Dhai Insane Location: Louisiana	I am a Switch, predominantly sensual Submissive. I've been in the D/s lifestyle for almost 15 years. Most of what's been said here is wonderful advice. The one thing I will say is that when you are first setting out to explore the BDSM lifestyle, and your nature as a submissive, and his as a Dominant, there will be lots of moments when you "chicken out". Make sure you have open, honest communication, make sure you have a safeword, make sure you both understand your limits. Two places to visit: First: Castle Realm .... This is an AMAZING resource site for all Dominants and submissives and anyone interested in learning more about BDSM. The second site is perhaps the most important: BDSM Play Partner Checklist .... Anyone who is active in BDSM, especially if you do not have a regular partner or are just starting out with your partner should have a BDSM Submissive's checklist done. Your Dom should do one, too. This one is one of the most detailed I've ever seen. I've had a version of a checklist filled out for almost the entire 15 years... Even when I wasn't active in the lifestyle, I still occasionally took it out and updated it when I tried something new, even in a vanilla context. It is a rich, and rewarding lifestyle for those who are possessed of the nature and inclination to life it. Good luck!! Bryn __________________ “When facism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.” ~Sinclair Lewis

09-06-2004, 07:15 AM	#2 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Maybe the sub lifestyle just ins't for you. On the other hand, maybe you have to start off smaller and build up to the big stuff.

09-06-2004, 07:21 AM	#3 (permalink)
brianna Addict Location: nyc	often fantasies are meant to be just fantasies. When we fantasies about something it is exactly as we want it -- real life can never be that way. You should feel no shame that you do not enjoy the extreme dom/sub role just because you do enjoy it in your fantasy life and you should not force yourself to do something that you do not enjoy.

09-06-2004, 07:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
The Phenomenon Psycho Location: I think my horns are coming out	Well I suppose it IS something that will need practice and getting used to. if this is your first go I don't see why you expect it to go perfectly from the first. And getting your face shoved into the carpet is painful, as in BAD pain. That will turn you off and make you feel less like doing these types of things.

09-06-2004, 11:29 AM	#7 (permalink)
ratbastid Darth Papa Location: Yonder	There's nothing to "cure". In my (admitedly fairly limited) experience with D/s play, there's a boundary that gets pushed, explored, maybe even expanded. But once something crosses that boundary, that's when the safeword gets used and action stops. Fun is fun, but it's got to stay in the realm of fun, or it's not hot anymore. Once there's "real" fear or humiliation overwhelming the excitement and heat, things change. I say "real" in quotation marks, because it's not like the lower levels of fear and humiliation aren't real, they're just... at a level that evokes "play", not "threat". You do HAVE a safeword, don't you? If not, agree on one before you play again. Lots of people use a pair of words--one that means "easy there" and the other that means "stop right now". lurkette and I used "Wednesday" and "Thursday". I'm getting to the point that I'm hearing "Wednesday" less and less frequently. We've never actually used "Thursday". There's NO SHAME in using your safeword. Your safeword is not the same as "saying no". Nobody should feel bad because anybody used the safeword--it's not like that. The safeword might even be used in the event of "too much of a good thing". It's not "you did bad, stop that". It's not "I'm too weak to take it". You should feel safe with it. That's why it's called a safeword. This is an inherant part of the D/s game. Even the baddest-ass submissives have and use safewords. There's nothing to "cure" about you that you have boundaries. That's very, very healthy.