Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

My girlfriend thinks having guy friends outside of work is okay. I can see having these friends that are co-workers, but what about going to the mall with these guy friends, out to eat, movies, whatever, with a guy friends of hers i dont even know! What do you people think and how could I make this work? I must say I am a very overprotective boyfriend and maybe a little insecure about my relationship sometimes...To be honest I couldn't even imagine having female friends outside of work! I wouldn't want my girlfriend to feel threatened or to worry! Why can't she do the same for me?!..:confused:

Nothin wrong with having guy friends!

Humans are humans... friends are friends. Whether they're male/female makes absolutely no difference.

People just assume that if a woman has a guy friend that they have a type of fling on the side.

My girlfriend has guy friends and I could care less when she goes out and does things with them, or meets em for lunch while I'm at work.

I have female friends. In fact, my g/f has been on vacation for the past 3 weeks and I've been at my female friend's house quite frequently. My g/f has no probs with it.

Just think of it this way... there's no sense in being overprotective. If she wanted to cheat on you, she could probably get away with it whether you approved of guy friends or not.

It's just better, and more healthy, IMO, to keep a bit of an open mind about things such as this.

Because she's sensible.

Friends are friends, and gender doesn't really matter, regardless of all the bullshit you hear about people being unable to be friends with people of the opposite sex. I have male friends, ratbastid has female friends. We trust each other, and if anything ever did take a sexual turn, we would have a discussion about it (granted, we have a sort of unconventional marriage).

If you're overprotective and insecure, you need to work on what's at the root of the problem, not eliminate the symptom by insisting that your girlfriend spend time only with people you approve of and don't feel threatened by. That's not a healthy relationship. And just because you can't imagine having female friends doesn't mean that you should apply your needs and desires to your girlfriend - she's her own person with her own needs, ideas, and FRIENDS and if you don't trust her because of your own insecurities, maybe the problem isn't her behavior.

Almost all of my life, all of my closest friends have been male, the friendships have all tended to be realer than the aquaintences I've had with females.

I stood up for a very good friend when he got married, that's how close the friendship was, not sure the maid of honor was too thrilled about it, but it wasn't about her. The bride accepted his friendship with me, and still accepts it.

In the movie, When Harry Met Sally, the assertion was made that men and women could not be friends because sex gets in the way, I'd call bullshit on that, you have relationships with people, as long as you get to know the person, sex is not an issue.

Has she ever given you reason not to trust her? These are friends. Don't make her choose, because you may not like her decision, the friends were there before you... accept those friends... ask to meet them, not to judge them, but if you like her, and she likes them, then you'd probably like them too.

She's chosen you for her boyfriend, she's chosen them for friends, isn't that showing good sense? Trust her.

Going for lunch is one thing, I'm fine with that my GF does it regularly with a guy who I have never met. I have been invited to meet him for lunch a couple of times but never had the time.

Dinner and movies? That's a date man. If I knew the guy I might be ok with it, but the fact is; even tho it's just a friendship to her, you (having not met the guy) have no way of know what he his thinking. Guys steal girls from other guys all the time, hell I did it half a dozen times before I settled down.

Meet the guy at the very least to find out if he is trying to poach your gf, if for no other reason than to prevent an awkward situation for your girlfriend.

\Putting on feminist cap and jumping up on soapbox..

Girls/Women are not property. They are not owned. They cannot be stolen. Women have minds of their own, and the ability to think and make their own decisions as to who they want to be with.

.... sitting down....

Meeting the guy to find out what his intentions are would probably do nothing more than prove to the girlfriend that she's not to be trusted.

Says who? I go out to movies all the time with guy friends, and sometimes we have dinner before or after. I go shopping with guy friends. I call guy friends on the phone just to talk. Just because you've taken "attached" women out with less than honorable intentions doesn't mean that all men are scoping all the time. Did it ever occur to you that someone could actually LIKE the woman's personality with no interest in her sexually?

What fricking decade are we living in? Sheesh!

The quickest way to drive a woman away is to tell her what she can and can't do, and who she can and can't see. Make it a choice between her friends and her boyfriend and you may not like the choice she makes. Get. Over. Yourself. If she loves you, you should trust her. If you're insecure, THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM NOT HERS AND SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CURTAIL WHO SHE SEES TO MASSAGE YOUR TENDER EGO.

sorry for the shouting, but boy this makes me mad.

That's the thing... you're lookin at this all wrong. You gotta think outside of the box and look at it from another point of view.

If your girlfriend is quick to be "stolen", then she's not really a good girlfriend, is she?

It's NOT the man's fault if he "steals" the girlfriend away. It's ultimately HER choice to do so.

If someone "stole" my girlfriend, fine, more power to them. Would I be upset? Sure, but overall I'd be glad I was no longer wasting my time with someone who didn't want to take me seriously.

Nope, absolutely not.

Look I knew when I posted my earlier response that some people would jump all over me, but I'm sticking to my guns here.

I am commited to my girlfriend now, but in my single days I was more than willing to intice girls to drop their BF's in favour of me (never should have said "steal"). I never said that Jon Arbuckle needs to challenge his GF's friends to a chestbeating pissing contest, but I'd recommend at least knowing who's who.

After all in my opinion "all guys ARE scoping all the time."

I have to agree with marq on this one. As much as we all want to be mature and trusting in a relationship, its best to know where others stand on wanting to dash said relationship to the wind, or more likely just keep you as the main guy while they get freebies on the side. Learning about your SO's friends, whether female or male, is a quick way to learn what type of person they are. I know from personal experience that these "friends" can be bad news.

It may be wierd but my way of looking at it is that some people will keep a few "friends" of the opposite *sometimes same* sex around just in case they have need. whether this be because the current relationship is on the rocks or they just need to get a quick lay.

Of course this all boils down to how much you trust your partner. I have come to a point where as soon as someone proves to me that they are willing to lie to me over insignificant things i know the relationship is doomed and end it swiftly. Anyone who is willing to break trust over something that doesnt effect them too much will be more than happy to lie to you over something serious.

Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

Why should either of you? You're just showing your insecurities.

I have a bunch of female friends who are or have been paired off. I've slept, meaning slept with some of them, but not all. It is possible. You're hurting yourself and her if you make much of this.

Then your opinion is demonstrably wrong, and you should re-evaluate it.

There's no way to prove "love". There's no way to keep someone unless they want to stick around. If you put it in those terms, you're begging to be dropped by any possible mate you may come across.

Two things:

1. If your girl is unhappy with you, she is going to dump you. It doesn't matter whether she's got another guy lined up in the wings, although it might encourage her to get off the couch and do it, rather than stringing you along (which can only be a good thing, imho).

2. If you restrict her friendships, that is a surefire way to make her unhappy with you, bringing about circumstance 1.

If I were you, I would let her know how valuable she is to you and how much you love and need her, and leave it at that. She can, and will, make her own decision about whether she gives a shit.

this is exactly why i dont like girls with boyfriends.

i freaking hate this subject, my girl has a ton of guy friends and it is really beginning to get to me....

Why? It should make you feel more special. She's got all these male friends, but YOU , are the one that she chooses to have the romantic relationship with.

I don't understand the problem... if she doesn't value your relationship, she'll cheat on you regardless of male friends or not.

If she truly loves you and respects you, there won't be a problem. If she values the relationship, you could even leave for a month straight and have a male friend of hers LIVE with her and there wouldn't be a problem.

If she cheats on you, it removes the facade of a relationship that you thought was perfect, but wasn't. From there, you can move on. Would you rather waste years of a relationship only to find out later that she may cheat on you anyway?

Be less restrictive. Trust her. If she cheats, oh well, move on.

Being overprotective solves nothing.

The trust has to be there. Yes there is a risk but frankly I would rather have my heart broken - and end the relationship - then live with some one I could not count on.

Guys can be friends with girls - yes sex is always there to confront - but that is something you have to live with. You have to trust your girl to tell her friend to go fuck himself if he makes a move on her.

I don't have a problem with it. Most of my friends are female so it'd be hyprocritical for me to say "no seeing other guys for you!" when I hang around other woman often.

I guess it's just a trust thing.

Being the "guy-friend" in a few cases, here's my take on it.

One of my friends is filing for divorce, because everytime she went out with any guy, or even drinking with her girlfriends he'd spell out his mistrust in her, and tell her he didn't want her hanging out with other guys. She decided she wasn't going to live WITHOUT friends, and moved out, luckily in this situation it's been a peaceful divorce, and they're working with each other to seperate and move their own ways.

Another friend of mine had a boyfriend who bought her a cell phone (leash as she called it), and well not because of the cellphone alone, but needless to say his mistrust led to her mistrust of him, and the relationship quickly deteriorated. She is now with a guy who understands that I'm just a friend, and doesn't get offended, or change his attitude when I'm around, and I've told her that he's a keeper!

I have two or three more of these examples, but needless to say when you don't trust your significant other the relationship isn't going to go anywhere. If you trust her, and you're really observant you'll notice a complete change in that person if they are cheating... I can't explain it, because people are different, but if you really know the person you're with, you'll know, and it doesn't require the Spanish Inquisition.

I would let her be, if you can't, you'll probably end up just getting into arguments and arguments over the long run, and will have a miserable break-up, and maybe learn next time "having friends" is OK!

If they're at all like me, every guy who's a friend wants your girlfriend for some sweet, sweet lovin, but girls are far more rational than guys and some can even have relationships with guys without thinking about the ol' in and out. If she's doing friend type things with them: dragging them along while she tries out shoes, having lunch, whatever, then as Chris Rock would say, they're in the "Friend Zone." Then you're golden and have absolutely nothing to worry about.

Now unless you come home early when she's not answering the phone to find her in bed with her guy friend (don't laugh, it happens) then I wouldn't be especially worried. If you do, I suggest you follow the lead of Odysseus and keep your long bow at the ready, or maybe just figure out the explanation to it all, it's your call.

It's a trust issue. Have a chat with her about it. Just be honest and tell her you don't understand (because you don't) why she enjoys doing those things when you're uncomfortable with it. I think her explanation might help you... or maybe she'll tone it down a little. Either way, just have a talk with her about it. You're adults, it's how things should be handled.

I feel the need to bring up a sociological theory here. Perhaps it can clear up some of the misunderstanding in this here issue.

The Master Ladder theory goes more indepth at this link. If there is no attration it explains the ladder, if the male is more attractive than the female but still attractive it'll be explained there too!

http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Actually, that isn't exactly true. All of the girl-guy friendships I've seen were either guys wanting to have sex with the girl, or not being attracted to her and wanting to get with her friend. However, this isn't necessarily a constant.

The main flaw in psychology is that the vast majority of people aren't satisfied. Almost all theories are muddled by the horniness of the subject and the psychologist himself. Sex isn't naturally intertwined with everything we do. It's just so hard to come by that we end up devoting most of our lives to it.

If I had a girlfriend and was fully satisfied, I could be the friend of a girl who I wanted to be friends with.

There are two main problems with this:
A. I don't have a girlfriend, and even if I did I probably wouldn't be satisfied.
and
B. I haven't met any girls that I actually wanted to be friend's with.

I can't understand why someone would be in a monogamous relationship with someone they couldn't trust. Isn't that one of the fundamental things you need? Unless you keep a woman locked in the house 24/7 and nobody rings the doorbell, she will see other human males. Most likely, she will find some of them attractive. If you can't trust her not to act on that attraction, why would you be with her in the first place? For those of you who have bi or bi-curious girlfriends, are you afraid of them having female friends, or is there some sort of immature hope in the back of your mind that you'll end up with a threesome because of it? Do you think It's OK for you to have female friends?

Changing subjects, the Ladder Theory is complete and utter bullshit spewed out by a guy who is bitter about not being able to fuck any woman he sees and can't accept that men can be friends with attractive females without spending every second making surreptitious attempts to get in her pants.

I think it all relies on how you feel about your relationship with said S.O. Also I feel that this isn't only a male issue as my fiancee isn't that comfortable with me having female friends. Does that bother me? No, maybe later on but that's something we'll work on. My old girlfriend had many guy friends that I wasn't comfortable with. She was extremely flirty and I didn't totally feel like I could trust her. In high school, I was in a vocational school which was half an hour away and we had to drive to it. Usually when I'd come back from Voc, I'd have friends telling me how she was hanging all over other guys and other things that made me nervous. Eventually our relationship got pretty bad and she broke it off to go out with one of the guys that everyone was warning me about.
Now, did that affect my current relationship? For the first part of it, but I grew past that and learned to trust my fiancee. She's never given me reason to worry and if there was ever anything that she thought would make me worry, she's explained it before I'd even ask. She's gone out to dinner(college dining hall dinner) with some of her friends and gone on trips with guys and it hasn't bothered me.
So in all, I believe it's as others have stated, an issue of trust. I was quite insecure about my relationship with my ex, which may or may not have been rightly so but now, I am happy and secure in the knowledge that she comes home to me and not to any other guy.

I never said the word "love" anywhere in there. As it has nothing to do with a relationship as i see it.

So drop my first sentence and keep the rest.

Dont see how you are arguing with me

So you're saying trust as the basic essence of a relationship is wrong and any possible mate will drop me once they figure out that i believe this?

going to dinner and movies with a guy is a date? How in the world does that scenario automatically make it a date?

Both Dave and I have lots of opposite sex friends that we do things seperately with. So if I go to dinner and movies with a guy friend if Dave is having to work or has plans with one of his friends its a DATE...I dont think so. IMO its healthy for a relationship with you have "outside" friends. You do not always have to do things with other people like you're siamese twins.

As a general rule I dont like many women, never have, mainly because it fucks me off to no end to watch the games a lot of them play so 95% of my friends are guys. Dave has lots of male and female friends that he is more than free to hang out with.

Shoot I have one guy that I've been friends with since I was 18 and we even went to Las Vegas together (alone) for a weekend last year AND shared a hotel room (to save expenses)

Gosh I really hate it when people say guys and girls can not be platonically friends, its such bullshit

Agreed. :D

I think two emotionally mature people who are good at communicating with each other can be a couple and hang out with friends of the opposite sex. When you're young, though, this can be a recipe for bad things.

Second, there's no point in being possessive or overprotective. No matter what measures you take, a girlfriend who's intent on cheating on you will find a way--and may do it that much faster because of your clutchiness (not you in particular, Jon Arbuckle, just "you" in general). There's no way to forcibly prevent infidelity without doing something stupid and regrettable.

If she hasn't given you any reason to be suspicious or wary, then you can relax and be happy that she chooses you over all the other guys she knows.

My first thoughts exactly.
Although if it was myself, I wouldn't like it too much. I get jealous pretty easily. I've never been in this situation, but if my girlfriend was constantly hanging out with another guy, even if I did know him, i'd be pretty suspicious and definitly jealous, even if she is MY girlfriend. Maybe it's fine now, but the more you hang out with somebody the more relaxed you can get with them, meaning the more likely the chance is of 'something happening.'

So what was that bottle that you keep in the basement with something that looks like a penis in it? Looking closer at the label it reads,

IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS

In all honesty, there's no way my wife is going to be going with all kinds of guy "friends" every other night without me saying something. Especially if I have no fucking clue as to who they are.

I trust my fiancee, and she trusts me. Without trust, there is no hope. And all men who think that every guy just wants a good lay from anything available needs a good psych eval, cause something is screwed up in their heads. No offense meant.

Probably no girls will believe it. Probably a good amount of men won't acknowledge they believe it.

If the women is attractive, sex will be involved. It's just how it goes. If you say you have a friend who is a guy, and one day you called him up, told him come on over, and you answered the door buck ass naked and asked him to fuck your brains out, He'd do it :/ and I'd put alot of money on this bet.




Is this to say you can't let your female s/o go out with friends who are guys? Not exactly.

Just because the guy would fuck her doesnt mean she will fuck him, which is good.

If your using the stance, I trust my s/o so I don't mind her going out with guy friends all the time. That's all fine and cool and I'm happy for you. But it doesnt prove anything about whether or not sex is involved in all guy/girl friendships.

You would loose your money in a bet against me. Then again, perhaps I'm not a dishonest snake. :|

Sad that so many of my gender think with their penis; I mean, how many thousands of years does it take to control animal urges?

I meant if you were a female and did that.....

Of course sex is always involved. Both a male and a female are perfectly aware that their genitals are compatible. Yet sexuality is not the only determining factor in human behavior.

True, but it sounded like you were indicating that all men would make love, excuse me, would screw this woman. I was stating that that was plainly false, if that was indeed your intended point. If not, then I apologize for my jumping to conclusions.

I am not saying that many men do not think this way, I am not saying that many women do not either. I am saying that all men and women do not think this way.

You didn't jump to conclusions Kalnaur.

I also agree with you, but, there will always be a reason as to why the guy wouldnt sleep with her in that situation or any situation like it.

Either.

1. The guy is gay.
2. The guy does not think the girl is attractive.
3. The guy is already screwing a girl that is a better catch.

Otherwise, the guy will fuck her.

i'm having the same problem but i'm realizing that tryin to control it is tearing us appart so i just am going to trust her try to learn as much as i can but if something does happen I've told her in the past i would kill any man who did that and i dont know what id do with myself and her

would you care to explain what you meant by that?

Forgive me if i am wrong, but i do believe he was saying that male "friends" to a female are just a stable where she keeps extra men until emergencies arise where they are in need of sex basically.

Also, like ive said before, once there isnt 100% trust in a relationship its just a downward spiral.

Well if thats what he meant, thats just wrong wrong wrong and in my opinion its that kind of thinking that pisses off girlfriends and shows NO trust at all.

(edit because Im going to have to watch my temper on this thread, difficult as it is)

Y'know I keep seeing the same messages come up in this thread over and over.

**If you don't trust your gf there is something wrong with you.
**If you can't trust your gf there is something wrong with her.

Some of us have insecurities, some of us have a hard time beleving that we are worthy of a fine woman to stand beside us.

No matter how much you berate me and say "Get over it, trust is integral." Some of us are going to be insecure, we would like some sort of external assurance that, for lack of a better phrase, she is mine and I am hers.

So to those of you who have 100% trust and faith and security in your relationships.... holey fuck do I envy you.

What sort of external assurance would satisfy you?

But see...in a lot of cases...those insecurities will be the very thing that the SO will get tired of eventually and look elsewhere to seek a more secure relationship...which leads to everybody saying things like have been said here.

Who wants to be with a person they have to be constantely reassuring....it DOES get old eventually.

Well that is just my point, there is no such thing.

Now don't get me wrong, there is a huge chasm between; being vaugly worried that she is going to walk out on me, and stalking her to bars when she meets friends.

Furthermore, insecurity is a character flaw, I acknowledge that (and lucky for me someone loves me regardless of this), and no matter how many times I (we, whatever) are reassured it is going to persist. Telling someone like me to "Get over my insecurities," is about as effective to tell me to "enjoy liver and onions." Sorry, some of us are just not wired that way.

Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

i think you need to take a step back and think, why would you feel threttend by her having freinds? i (male) have several female freinds, but would certainly not date them. there is nothing wrong with freindship. if i were to have a GF i would not have any trouble with her having guy freinds as well.

I find this to be inacurate. I found plenty of women in high school and college to be attractive, even before I met my fiancee. However, I was not compelled to sleep with them, nor would I have if they had offered. That's just not the way it's done.

Menoman,

I agree with what you posted. What I am afraid off is that people will look at it and come to the conclusion that if a guy and a girl get together they will automatically fuck. That’s simply not the case. Just because something can happen doesn’t mean it will happen. One’s significant other can step out onto the street and get hit by a car, yet one doesn’t chain them indoors because of this.

the_marq and others that see insecurity as a weakness,

It is precisely because there is a risk of loosing your loved one that they feel so special. If you had a guarantee that they will stay with you no mater what then a relationship would be meaningless. It’s one of those - without the bad there can be no good – kind of situations.

I fear loosing my girl. I am jealous of other guys. I know I would be terribly heart broken and probably go a tad berserk if my girl cheated on me. I am aware of all the risk, but I would rather stick my neck out then stay with a person I cannot trust. The value of trust outweighs the risks involved.

Good point, as you say, I believe that the "Thought" or "want" of sex will be in every single guy/girl friendship unless it qualifies to the things I stated up a bit farther.

Ahhh, the age old question.

When I was younger (teens and early 20's), this was something that I had to accept and deal with.

But now that I am slightly older, I would never put up with it. If my wife started hanging around guys and called them "friends", I would run a muck with a meat cleaver.

There are "acceptable" terms involved. Of course being nice to guys on the job or the occansional "hey how are ya" type deals.

Anything more than that......."death from above"

I don't have a problem with my fiancée having male friends. She doesn't have many guy friends, but I know that most of them are gay (Like 7 out of 10). I'm not saying that to be an asshole or try to make them look "bad" or anything, I know, for a fact that they're gay.

She's fine with me having female friends also. Hell, one of my ex-girlfriends is and has been one of my best friends and still hangs around my place at a pretty regular basis. They've (my fiancée and ex-girlfriend) have become pretty good friends since they've first met each other too.

I trust her and she trusts me, so we don't have problems when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex.

I dunno. I hear what a lot of you are saying and I agree with those that talk about trust, etc, but I also think you are oversimplifying things.

I think it is easy for a girlfriend to be seduced once a certain amount of stress enters the relationship. I dont think I need to qualify how easily human will can be broken and the mind clouded sometimes. I laughed at the comments about "if your relationship is secure you can go away for a month and have another guy live with her". People get lonely. People get stressed. Things happen that they come to regret later on, but that can't be undone.

And even if you girlfriend doesnt stray sexually, there are other ways for her to betray your trust that you wouldnt pick up so quickly. Apart from being you SO's lover, you should also be his/her best friend, but very often, emotional comforting or even intellectual sparring with someone else can lead to attachment and (co)dependancy. Whilst your SO would perhaps not sleep with this other person, in a sense he/she would be provising your SO with something very personal that you dont/cant. I'm not saying that you should be abe to fulfill all you SO's needs, but you should fulfill all the core needs.

Frankly, I dont know which is worse: having your SO fucking someone else or becoming attached to him/her emotionally/intellectualy and confiding in him/her.


I, personally, have no problem with my girlfriend having male friends, as long as they behave themselves appropriately. I do have problems with her going out on date-like scenarios with her male friends, though, for the reasons outlined above. As for myself, whenever I'm in a relationship, I stop one-on-one outings with my female friends. They understand why. In general, Also, I think that when you're in a relationship its easier to deal with coupled friends (on both your and your SO's sides), since single friends isee things differently as they dont have any third party to consider.

Agree with most of that, seeing I've been the other guy on occasion. I make friends real easy. If you're not your SO's best friend then you should reconcile yourself to possibly losing her. You are her confidant, and she should be able to tell you everything, even if you don't like it. If you're not a sympathetic listener, she'll go cry on someone's shoulder opening her up to be vulnerable.

The male has a huge responsibility and is hamstrung from an early age due to the conditioning of society to be macho etc. Not that I am *smirk* but these are my observations.

the onus is also on the male to exercise that thing that seemed to go out of fashion in the Eighties. Restraint. Sure you know you could probably fuck half your female friends, even the one with boyfriends, but do you have to? When someone leaves themselves vulnerable to you, take it as a compliment and if you're a real friend you won't act on it if you/she are involved with someone else.

more later.

Very well said Vaultboy.

the underlying question is... what makes someone more than a friend.....

if you can go to dinner and movies with someone, you would say that having a relationship with them would be to kiss or have other romantic contact.


whereas there are many people on this board who will pose nude and have a significant other (also on this board) with out any problems.


so, in your opinion(s) what constitutes a relationship? i've been thinking about this one a lot because i too am insecure about male friends that my girlfriend has, it's not that i don't trust her or anything... just me=)

(note i'm not disrespecting anyone based on their relationships, i'm just pointing something out and asking a question)

ManWithAPlan,

I'll start with the obvious. Each couple has different chemistry. People have to feel out limits in their own relationships. I actually know girls who want their boyfriends to be jealous and protective because they see it as a sign of affection. Other girls will go mad if you try to control them. Men are different too. Some feel they have to be macho others are laid back and confident. Obviously people are hard to change. I think it is important to find a middle ground between what you and your partner on this issue. For example I am currently dating a shy chick. I feel pretty confident about her attraction for me. We communicate well and have a strong friendship. Because she has self image issues I stretch my limits a little further for her since her confidence would benefit from other guys flirting with her.

Otherwise here is how I cope with this issue.

- I think that I should get the majority of her time when it comes to her contact with guys. I don’t mind her having guy friends but I should be her best male friend. Obviously this can’t be forced. Keeping her away from other guys and thus making me her only guy friend would not make me her best friend.

- I want to be aware of her friend and be a part of her social life. If your significant other hasn’t introduced you to their friends then you are their fuck toy and/or monetary assistance supplier. This applies to both sexes. There are acceptations; for example some people are shy of social situation. Sometimes girls can be oblivious of guys with ulterior motives. It’s important to point to such facts gently; otherwise the girl will think that you are just jealous. She will see it in time if you simply mention it.

- I am very lenient with guys who have their own girlfriends. Such friendships with girls have been of great benefit for me in the past. They allow you to talk about intimate things with less risk of developing feelings for each other.

- Guys who were her friends from before she became your girlfriend are almost always harmless. Even if they are pursuing her they have either failed in the attempt or are too shy to ever make a move. The worst that can happen is a random infidelity due to stress on your relationship. Keep the relationship healthy and you will never have to worry about these guys.

- The average single guy is a pretty broad description. You really have to take it on a case-by-case basis. Obviously if some guy she barely knew asked her for dinner then it is pretty clear that he is trying to make a move. If your girlfriend accepted such an offer then your relationship was over to begin with. Otherwise work and sport friends are pretty common. There will always be occasions where your girl will end up hanging out alone with one of them. The frequency of such meetings will vary based on the situation, be rational.

If your girl begins to spend too much time with another guy then you should see that as a sign of trouble in the relationship. Separating your girl from other guys will only buy you a little time but in the long run such bids to control her will damage the relationship even further. The best way to avoid infidelity is to prevent it by keeping your relationship healthy though communication, friendship, trust and passion. If you know what your girl wants and go out of your way to satisfy those need then she will not need other guys. If a girl loves you, even a half assed attempt to give her something she wants is worth so much more coming from you then the best attempt coming from another man.

Cheers.

Great post, Mantus. I hope people read your post, then re-read it. And then read it again.

:thumbsup:

i agree, good post. but you should know i was only offering up the suggestion of the same thing that you put the time in to explain. everyone's gotta find their niche.

Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

Well apart from all the PC stuff that has already been said in this thread:

I would not be comfortable, had I not already met the guy. She's my GF, and I am her BF, so its my fucking business too. I would not like for her to go out with anyone I did not know, even more so if its a guy. Call me insecure or whatever, I don't care.

If there is nothing to hide your GF would not mind you meeting him. So what is the problem in wanting to meet him?

Are you welcome to go along with them? if not there is something seriosuly wrong.

Another thing: as a guy I know this. If he's not gay, and he does not find her unnatractive, he WILL be thinking about having sex with her. And I sure as hell dont want my GF to go out with a guy thats thinking of screwing her without me.

Re: Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

I feel this needs to be said: So, he's insecure. I am too. I am open to my GF about this and she knows. A good GF will try and reassure you, and try to alleviate your fear and insecurity. Just as a good BF would.

My GF has more guy friends than girl friends. All of them I know now, and I do not feel insecure when she's with them, except for one, which is not a friend anymore. But I still would not like it if she went to dinner, movies etc. with them alone, especially in the evening. And if I can go along I want to go along. If I am not welcome something IS wrong.

The one guy that is no friend anymore, had in the past asked her out. Thats a no no for me already as far as friendship goes. Hes intentions are CLEARLY not friendly. One day before my GF lived with me, I went to her house to find him there, staring at her breasts while she was busy with something. I kicked his fucking ass. You don't get to stare at her body, especially not in such an improper way.

Its not that i don't trust her, its that I don't trust the guy. What if he gets her drunk at dinner? What the fuck then? These are things that i would not be able to handle so I avoid a situation like that any way I can. Before she met me she'd get drunk with these guys and they'd carry her around etc. And thats just NOT ON. Get your hands the fuck off.

I am insecure. I am over protective. I am jealous. When i am overseas on business and I hear one of her male friends are there it drives me nuts. But I love her, and we meet eachother half-way. She does not go out with her male friends without me, and I don't go out with female friends without her. We are both happy this way. My feelings may not be Politically Correct, but I am honest about them, and I will not apologize for them.

1. don't triple post
2. i'm a guy and i don't think about screwing every attractive girl i spend time with.
3. according to your post (one of them) you are saying you'd be okay if he were thinking about screwing her if you were in their company?

1. Sory about the triple post. I am used to a forum that concatenates your consecutive posts automatically. Sorry.

2. I was overstating :p

3. I'd not be OK with it but the chances are smaller and he has no chance when I am around.

no hard feelings.:-P

I call bullshit :\ guys are guys.

This attitude enforces negative stereotypes and creates a kind of permissiveness to the objectification of women.

There is the old saying, "you get what you expect." I think we should expect more, but it takes more people than me to change things. The best I can say isn't that "guys are guys", but that all people make choices about many things in life including what they value.

I value the woman that I'm in love with and the idea of having sex with anyone else does no justice to my moral sensibilities, my aesthetic sensibilites, and it really just doesn't feel right.

It can be hard to accept, but most of the other people in this thread are correct: you've got to trust her.

Gimma break, so you're saying you'd screw your sister if she were hot enough? It is actually possible for guys to have a relationship with attractive girls and not see them as just a hole to stick their dick in. Some guys value women for their personalities not as sexual objects. I have quite a few attractive women friends and I don't think about screwing them. I value their friendship and our interaction. Sure I've though, if situations were different I would think about having a more intimate relationship, that's why I call them attractive women. But I would not want such an intimate relationship with these women because of the nature of our relationship and not just because of other relationships.

menoman, you should really get a chance to know people before you judge... everyone i know would tell you that i'm not your typical PERSON, not to mention typical guy. that's not to say that i'm a complete anamaly (sp?) and there aren't other guys that don't fit the profile.

Re: Re: Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

ok, I've already stated my case in a previous post so no need to do it again, but this REALLY gets me.....the time of day a girl goes out with a guy means something?

not really....

Seems ok for a lady to hang around her guy friends as much as she wants before she's married. After she's married though, it seems a little strange for her to want to 'hang with the guys' (or guy) anytime, day or night. Then its a completely different story. IMHO.

So powerclown are you saying that when she gets married she's supposed to dump her friends just because they happen to be males? What kind of person marries a girl and asks her to give up her friends?

ShaniFaye, good point.
No, Im not saying dump all her male friends.
But don't you think she needs to maybe spend more (the majority?)of her time with her husband and less time with her male friends?
I lost a few women (and men) friends after they got married (and I was still single) because their spouses didn't want them running around wild like they did when they were single.
I guess what Im getting at is, do the old male/female relationships change once one or both are married? I guess it varies with people...

(this is OT, sorry: back on topic, then...)

i understand what powder is trying to say, i even think it applies before marriage...

the significant other should be the best friend or best company...

Well hopefully she was spending a lot of time with the guy before she married him. I've never said that the girl shouldnt have her husband/boyfriend as a priority, all I've said is that its possible for a girl that is in a commited relationship to have friends that are guys and that doing dinner and movies doesnt necessarily make it a DATE...and that it shouldnt matter what time of day the event takes place.

shani, i asked this before and i'll ask again. again, i'm not trying to be patronizing. what in your opinion constitutes a date if it's not the manner of activity or time of day?

ok I must have missed where you asked me that

The feelings or potentential of future feelings is what constitutes it a date, IMO. If I am in a committed relationship and I go out to dinner and movies with a male friend that I have been hanging out with for 18 years and there is NO, for lack of a better word at the moment...romantic involvement/intentions, it is friends hanging out...its not a date...it doesnt matter if I meet him for breakfast at IHOP at 9 am or at waffle house at 11 pm

Friendly, unromantic events aren't "dates" just because a man and a woman attend them together

Also....a lot of times, I know its not ALWAYS the case...but a DATE usually implies ONE person paying for both people

i had a girlfriend who would refuse to let me pay for her.

and so you're saying that there need to be feelings of romance for it to be a date? do you see how that can become a bit 'iffy' or sketchy?

well,
1. what if ONE person has feelings of romance
2. to a third party it can still be unclear and uncomfortable because you can never really truly know what your significant other is feeling or thinking.

No I said feelings OR potential of feelings

I guess basically what Im saying is...I have several male friends that I have had for years....just because we go out and do something with or without my fiancee shouldnt matter. Its not a date if my fiancee is present.....why would it be a date if I go out with the very same friend and do the very same thing without him present?

and yes I do know what my SO is thinking...especially on this subject as we are of the same mind....that we think its insane for someone to say that a female and a male having dinner is a date just because its a man and a woman and that its taking place at nite.

Due to the fact that dates typically involve two people interacting together, what a date involves can be totally defined by these two people.

I guess I need to just stay out of this thread because its obvious that some of you men (and I say men because if you read the thread I started in the ladies forum, most of us girls think the same way) are going to consider a m/f going out a date no matter what.

i didn't mean to strike you the wrong way, i was just trying to explore this deeper.

i do appreciate your opinion, and like i said, i'm not trying to be patronizing... i'm just probing...

by "know what your SO is thinking" i meant exactly, specifically at any given instance...

I suppose it's kind of hard for you to see what i'm saying from your particular position, but if you try to think outside of yourself... in a general sense... not everyone has such a secure relationship as you (by the way, i'm very happy for you and i wish you joy, happiness and health with all my other best wishes).

but just because a relationship is not secure doesn't mean it should be abandoned, which in turn means that it should be salvaged and some compromises made.

many males will feel insecure if their woman goes out to an evening alone with *some guy* (i say it like this because i'm referring more to situations where the men are not familiar/on good terms with eachother).

solutions which i would (in that situation) find helpful, as the male, would be to get aquainted with all of my girlfriend's friends.

i don't think that's too much to ask, or being nosy/prying/protective.

sometimes it's also just a "left-out" syndrome (she's out having fun without me!?)

you didnt strike me the wrong way lol ...I just sometimes have hard explaining how I think, and I get frustrated. I think in my initial post I said something like "couples do not have to do everything with their friends like they are siamese twins" My friendships...the ones I hold most dear, to be honest are with guys because I dont get along with women in a true friendship kind of way...and they always will be.

In my case there is no way I would be with an SO that would expect other wise. But...thats ME and MY situation and I realize its not going to apply to everyone. In my eyes someone who loves me would not want me to discard people regardless of their sex.

now......Im not at all advocating someones chick hanging out all hours of the day or nite with some one that their significant other doesnt know, going out of town with them or anything like that. I believe the initial poster said something about going to lunch with someone he didnt know...to me thats totally different.


thank you for your well wishes :icare:

If that is a response to me, then you totally missed my point. If you have a partner, you decide with that partner what a date is, and what that would look like with other people compared to just haning out. I see this whole issue as being really only important between those in relationships communicating with each other.

The problem isn't guys, it is having good guy friends... and the same with having friends in general. I've found that since I've entered a great relationship I don't want to waste my time on old "friendships" that didn't give me much more than a way to pass the time. The quality often isn't there...

no no no...that wasnt a response to you...just a response in general about feeling like I cant get my point across the right way

wil, it's hard to "decide what a date is" because you can't be like "so yeah, no dinner with other guys/girls... no movies with other guys/girls..."

I wasn't trying to say that "you" were like that Manwithaplan. Sorry I read what I wrote and it seems that way.

I meant that all guys are like that.



Bringing in a completely assinine response about screwing my sister is not gonna help your case, unless your trying to make it look like your grabbing at straws here.

Put yourself into this situation:

Your in a club, there is a female you find attractive at the bar, you chill for a bit scoping out the situation, then you go talk to her.

Are you gonna be trying to find out where her first family settlers of USA came from? Or you trying to figure out if the drapes matchthe curtains?

Now, your with this chick, and another girl comes in... She's even more attractive than the first! She sits beside you and starts chatting it up. Then she says Hey, wanna go to my house?

"No Thanks I'm gonna go watch a movie and read a nice book tonight." .....? I don't think so.

To make it more complicated, you could add in less attractive women, that chances are you won't give a second glance the second they walk into the door. Because they are lower on the list that you have.

Would you walk up to a ugly girl and be like hey how are you? Doubtful... would you walk up to a drop dead gorgeous girl? Chances are yes. And its not because you think her personality is better.

I don't think so... not in my relationship. The key is just to be up front. There are going to be girls that want to hang out with me and guys that want to hang out with my girlfriend. The important thing for us is to establish boundaries. Everyone knows that I'm in a relationship and that she's in a relationship. If I'm going to go to a movie with someone that's a friend and happens to be a girl I'm going to tell my girlfriend about that first. First thing when I get home I'm going to tell her what happened. Just like I want to know first thing what happened when she does things with her friends. I let her know the kinds of things that make me jealous, and she lets me know what bothers her. If you don't talk about any of these things then you'll have a vacuum in the relationship. If you can't talk about these things then you have a communication or a trust problem.

Re: Re: Re: Re: Does your girlfriend have guy friends? You OK with that?
 

In the evening i WOULD be available.

Now if you're in a relationship and your SO is not there you say "Man, I would have fucked her brains out when I was single." and you order another drink and reflect on how fortunate you are to not have to chase tail anymore.

So, not all guys are like that, if they have a modicum of decency.

Ok, your right.

But that just proves that if you were to "Befriend" that female that you met in the bar. Sex would be part of the "friendship". Because thats exactly what you were thinking about when you first saw her... Sex.

I have read your thread in the Ladies Lounge ShaniFaye, and I have to ask if you ignored the girls who does not agree with you? More important than the numbers, have you looked at their reasons? It vindicates what a lot of guys have been saying here.

And a few things that I think you are ignoring:
1. Just because there is no ACTIVE sexual energy between you and your friends does not mean that there never wil be.
2. Many women said that some of their male friends did register an interest in getting more out of the relationship, but tat they didn't pursue it because it would jeopardise the friendship, etc etc. Your logic in seeing this as instances of sex not being involved boggles me. You dont have to be bonking for there to be sexual energy in a relationship, even if its only coming from one side. Because to any boyfriend that represents a clear and present danger. The fact that you turned him down did not automatically make his feelings go away. Yes, he is able to restrain himself from jumping you, but that is no great feat. Most men entertain the thought of fucking half the women they see, but they dont. Even Doos in his post above betrayed that basic "Would I or wouldn't I?" reflex thought that flashes through the male subconscious.

Ignoring the facts doesn't change them, ShaniFaye.

In a situation like you describe, sex would always be part of the "friendship". Using the logic of some people on this thread, what are you doing out without yr SO anyway? And if you're single you're good to go.

Hell, I'd change that quote to "especially Doos". You just gots to be stronger than yr instincts.