i want your advice..
 

One of my friends is going through a break up with his girl, he is tired of all the fighting and wants to be single again. Being the kinda of person I am, I get involved with it and he tells me its breaking our friendship apart, which i fully understand..

but then i've also been spending a ton of time with his girl(meghan). I took her to his place yesterday where some more fighting ensued (hes telling everyone they are broken up but tells her there is still hope they will get back together, but he has never told her they are broken up.. its :crazy: like that.)

So she said to me yesterday sarcastically "i'm getting close to nick (me) even though i hate him, i hooked his (Justin) best friend up with my best friend cause i hate mark (Justin's best friend)."

so it got me thinking.. yes. we are getting close.. she tells me alot about herself. I've been helping her through her breaking up... i go shopping with her, take her out to eat, she buys me stuff too... so i guess my question is this. Should i try to get with her after the break up? or should i help her through her stuff with my friend or what?

and yes.. i do like her, but i would find it wierd if i got with her after a break up of her and justin (my friend).

Don't do it, unless you don't value your friendship with her (ex) boyfriend.

Make damn sure you ask your friend if he's cool with it first. If he says no then its your friendship or her, up to you.

yes i would make sure your buddy is cool with it first. i would also let their relationship cool down first so she isnt close to you because she is in the middle of losing someone else.

1st - STAY AWAY FROM HER!
2nd - Ask your friend's approval first, then STAY AWAY FROM HER!

A long time ago I told myself that I'd never get involved with any friend's ex-, it's just asking for trouble.

You have to think, there's always the possibility of her being nice to you (buying you stuff, etc.) just so she can throw it back at your friend.

Hooking up with a friend's ex can lead to so many problems.

yes, the friendship will die...unless you break up with her sometime in the future, then the friendship can resume while you both tell stories (usually mean ones) about her.

Also watch out to make sure she doesn't plain turn you against your friend. I've seen this happen and then the girl doesn't even go with him (they were too good of 'friends' at that point to risk their friendship). Lost the friend, didn't get the girl....bum deal.

I'd agree with the advice given so far -- however question to those that are saying ask the friend first...

If you were in your friends shoes, would you actually say NO, don't date her -- other than trying to warn you off cause maybe she's a psycho or something -- but would you really say don't date her because of my feelings?

Gawds, boys have come a long way.. if the answer is actually yes.

If you started helping her just because you're a great guy and want to be helpful, I'd keep it on that level. If you make a move, nobody's going to believe that you helped her out of altruism; they'll think you had your eye on her all along. Your friend will think so. Even the girl may think so, though she'd probably still like you.

There is a code, albeit a screwed up one more or less. I'd never go out with a friends girlfriend because I value them as a friend.

Gawd, girls have come a long way.. if they actually think of us as intellectual beings.:rolleyes:

hm..

well. since i originally posted.. they have "almost" gotten back together.. and want me to come join them tonight to party ... which ends up being.. drinking beer at my place.

so i guess now all i can do is sit back and wait, or go looking for someone else, or continue my studies and not let the wimmenz take control of my mind (lol)...

as far as the best advice given here.. or the most pronounced... would be to ask the friend and see what he said.


here is another deliemma i have going that just popped into my head.

"Meghan" and "Mark" are coming with me in less then a month to help me move into my new place back at college and the plan is to get really trashed with some of my friend whom they know and have partied with. She said herself she loosens up a lot when drunk *and i'm not the kind of guy who takes advantage of chicks when they are drunk. heck, they take advantage of me*, so heres the question. should i watch myself or just let happen whatever does happen? (justin won't be around, he'll be on vacation).

Ask first. I have had buddies who go out with an ex of our other buddies (after asking) and been with them for a long time. I even had a friend who messed around with my ex of 4.5 years. Now I wish he had asked (but don't really care because they just hooked up not dated) but my theory is that if it didn't work out for me doesn't mean that it wont for you.


This being said, I sincerely believe that if I had an ex who totally screwed me over and the breakup was very very bad and drawn out it would be a totally different story.

Be vewy vewy carefulllll /elmer fudd

I gotta agree with most here.

If he is truly your freind you wouldn't do it.

Not now at least. I mean give it some time. If you the roles were reveresed and your "freind" was getting close to your g/f however messed up the situation was. Would you really be ok with it? If he doesn't tell her that its over maybe , however minute the chances are they may still want to work things out.
As a friend don't be that guy.

great way to put it. thanks!

few ways to look at the situation, depending on the level of relationships with Meghan and Justin?

first, if hes a "best" friend to you, you should stay away from any of his ex's unless you have his consent.

second, if hes not a "best" friend then a few rules apply... Since you and Justin are "good friends", If Justin had left Meghan, then you dont need consent and she is open game. Now if Meghan had left Justin, then shes is completely off limits. In fact it wouldnt even be a good idea that you two should be friends.(even if you had become good friends with her during Justin and Meghans relationship)

third, if you just know him and could care less about being friends....more power to ya brother, fuck her and get it over with!

Really glad I could help.

The rule of thumb is that after they break up, you should wait as long as they were together before considering starting something with a friend's ex. This is the absolute minimum, after that you should consider stuff like the fact that even if you want to do somethign where both of them will be there, they probably won't want to be anywhere near each other.

so say.. if they break up tonight.. which he kinda hinted at when i saw him this evening, and from what she just said.. i shouldn't "swoop" in till..... lets see.. 3 months.. october? hm..

one of the biggest factors that will determine if you can hook up with her is whether or not they choose to remain friends. if they do, then you should be alright....but if their is any bad feelings between the two of them you are going to half to end up choosing one or the other.

but you MUST talk to him before doing anything.

Three simple words:

Don't do it.

Best friends take priority over girlfriends. It should be obvious that you have to stay away.

well if you he IS actually fine with it, i see no reason for you not to go for it. I've dated my best friend's ex before (twice) and we are as close as ever. Just an example that things DON'T always go wrong when you date your friend's ex :)

I agree with the advice I've read thusfar. If you don't have consent from your best friend (or even if you do) your relationship will never be the same. Think about this: if you date his ex- and he still has some underlying feeling for her, your friend will be jealous. If you date his ex- and he can't stand her, he won't want to hang with you anymore, especially if he has to be with both of you or listen to you gush about her.

If you go ahead and date this girl be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY sure that things will work out between you. If it doesn't, you could lose 2 friends. If it does, your friend might come around and realize that he helped 2 people find each other, and things will be cool.

Here's three more simple words: Bros before hoes.

This one is easy.

You don't mess with your friends ex's PERIOD!
There are plenty of people out there that you can hook up with, but not nearly so many people who you can be good friends with.

You don't really wanna be labelled as the guy who rams your friends ex's do you???

nope.. no i don't know what to be labeled that...:D

but i've taken another stance on the situation. I've totatly gotten myself away from the group all together, so see "another" portion of the world and my social life. which helps me stay away from all the jailbait that comes through the group as i'm the oldest one, the youngest being 3 years younger then I.

This thread really helped me a bunch, thanks guys and gals!