SpaceLemons

Hey everyone, I'm new to this place. I guess I just need an outlet for some answers, or just some help. It's like this: I've been seeing this girl for 2 years. It's an on/off long distance thing while she's at school, but it's only about an hour away. ABout 8 months ago she cheated on me and since I'm having horrible trust issues...mainly because she lied about so much and I feel like she still is. We took a break for a couple of months because she wanted some space and needed to sort things out. We still talked everyday and basically never stopped acting like a couple, only she was seeing the other guy pretty steadily...so like she had 2 boyfriends. Now she wants to get back together...and I do too, problem is I'm having a hard time beleiving the other guy is out of the way. She's going back to school in the fall and he'll be there, I won't be. I don't know what to do. If I didn't love this girl I wouldn't be here, I've been cheated on before and it hurt, but I broke things off. I want to give her a second chance but how do I know she's being/will be faithful when she goes to school? We have a week vacation planned in August and I'm afraid we'll just argue the whole time. What should I do?

agamemnon5

your trust issues won't go away overnight,especially knowing how well founded they are with your girlfriend. i've been in the same spot and there isn't a magic bullet. trust is an important part of a real relationship. if you think she's really worth it,give'er a try,but be prepared for when it could go south,be realistic. everyone stumbles in some form or fashion,maybe seeing the hurt she caused touched something? who knows.

thebeat

I was in the same exact situation about 2 years ago, after she cheated on me, I was in bad shape emotionally, couldn't help thinking about another guy having sex with MY girl....after several months almost a year, I began to trust her again, and we've been together ever since...it's on a case by case basis I suppose, I wish you the best of luck...if you love her make sure she understands she needs to rebuild that bond with you...

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Sugar&Spice

The vacation could be good for both of you. Have fun the first couple of days and then say what you need to. Obviously you lover her a lot or you wouldn't be willing to continue the relationship. If you think she has learned from her mistake then give her another chance. Let her know that your trust has been lost and she needs to show you that she is worth having it again.

It's gonna take a lot of time and things are not gonna go back to being perfect. I also just went through this. I chose to forgive and try to forget. Forgetting is hard. I wish you luck.

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fat-tony

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I don't know if I, personally, could ever trust someone again after that.

Kazic

in the words of George W.

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me again. and well you can't fool me again."

heh
Either way if you want to work things out. Now is the time for honest communication.If you hold back it may come back to bite both of you in the end.

Besides you seem to have already made up your mind that you want to get back together. You are on the road to recovery. Based on what you said here. You and her are aware of the things that need to be done to get back to what you wanted. Not to say that there aren't some troubling times still ahead.

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MSD

If you want to make it work, and it sounds like you do, you have to trust her, but keep an eye out for any signs of something happening. I don't trust anyone after they lie to me, but if I still want to be around them, I watch carefully for any signs of deception.

You can make it work, but if you start becoming paranoid or don't think she's telling the truth, you have to end it for your own sake.

zenmaster10665

let her go, man. It may sound harsh, but you do not want to be tied down to a girl who had broken your trust and lied to you before. In my opinion, she is likely to do it again....there are plenty of beautiful single women out there...



edited for silly spelling

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cj22009

Let her go move on with your life. If she cheated on you she never really loved you in the first place. Im going though a divorce right now and this is one of the reasons. A year and half ago I caught her having cyber sex with another guy and just recently I found out she has been going to bars meeting a guy that she says nothing is going on there just good friends as far as im concernd let them go its not worth the worry. Like zen said iff they do it once they will do it again

maleficent

Ask yourself why you want to get back with her. Do you want a girlfriend? Or do you want THIS girl as your girlfriend?

She cheated. That's a pretty big negative. She also seems somewhat confused, that's also a negative. What are her postives. Do they outweigh the negatives? Does she make you happy?

If you do decide to get back together, you have to let the cheating go, otherwise it will always be in the back of your mind, that if she's 5 minutes late somewhere, it's because she's cheating, or if she's not home when she says she is, its because she's cheating. Is she worthy of that trust?

Take the vacation for what it is right now, two friends with a history together going away together. Enjoy yourself. No pressure for anything, just have fun. If you want to talk, then talk. Be honest with your feelings, and ask her to be honest with yours. I don't think it's possible for a person to promise to never cheat again, because no one knows what the future will hold, but at least promise to be honest with one another.

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unoaman

You don't state anything definite about your age, but from the sound of it, both you are pretty young. However, you are old enough to ask these questions...What do you figure she told the "other guy"? Did she tell him she was going home for the summer, and wouldn't be seeing him in the fall? Did she tell him that summer wasn't really that long, and she would be back in school with him in no time at all? Does he know she sees / is seeing both of you? He may be in as much of a quandry as you, only waiting until she returns to see what is going on. One final question, and a very important one...do you love her? Or do you love the sex? Loves are hard to find, but if it's the sex...theres plenty of that out there.

Dale Kemp

Cheat means breaking a commitment made mutually. Well, you aren't married. Are you sure you had a committed relationship, or were you just "hanging" together when you were in the same town?

There's an old saying: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." That's true for a week or two, and then it makes the heart heal and move on. You two spend months apart, and a few weeks a year together. What kind of relationship is that?

If you want to bond, get together. Either marry or at least find a way to live near one another and date steadily. If you aren't doing that, then love one another without commitment, and recognize that there is no cheating, 'cause there is no commitment to fidelity.

Some of the folks who blog here regularly have no commitment to fidelity marriages. They still seem to love one another. I wonder if your sense of being cheated on comes from a need to feel in control of her love for you?

Examine your deeper feelings, and you'll learn a lot. When you choose to enter a commited relationship, then don't move apart. OK????

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Flyguy

Let her go man, I wouldnt' be able to trust someone anymore after that. The thought of some guy fucking my girl would be too much to bear. I wouldn't be able to trust he completly again.

The.Lunatic

Rational Decision ==> she's probably not to old if she's going to school somewhere. So… young with hormones and alone with other guys. I've also heard rumors of parties in college with alcohol... I'm going to say that this is a dead end for you. Its going to hurt real bad and you'll have to sulk for a while, but it'll make you stronger and in the long run ie: 3 months you'll be happy to have that life experience under your belt.

Emotional Decision ==> continue dating her things will degrade with time as the distance eats away at you until you and her begin to resent each other and start making plots to kill the other one. So you throw yourself completely into the bio-technology field and actually create nanobots that are formed from organic material that cause massive heart failure 2 weeks after inhalation, then quickly re-absorb into the body. Fresh of your victory over the foul wench you'll sell your technology with altered programming to the highest bidder becoming one of the worlds wealthiest men alive. You'll have Swedish models, a pool, fancy cars, and a spot as one of the most eligible bachelors alive in people magazine, but your dirty secret will eat at you until one day you have a nervous break down and are convinced forever more that you're Richard Simmons.



I can't wait to read a response to this post

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slimcr

you already know you cant trust her. nothing you or her can do to make her trustworthy now, as horrible as this sounds it is true.

Do wish u the best though.

unoaman

Dale Kamp...You may be a rookie (which, take it from me, doesn't mean shit), but you write wise advice....I think you hit the nail on the head.

aphroditeskiss1

I am on the other side of this at the moment. I am the one who cheated. From my experience I would say that if you believe that she loves you and made a mistake, take her back, but only on the condition that she knows why she allowed herself to be in that position, and allowed it to happen. Make sure she knows that you will not tolerate it again. I know that shit happens and sometimes people get put into a situation that they didn't want to be in or were mislead from the begining (my case). I feel that a person can truly and deeply love someone. They may have just made a large mistake. Learn to trust her again. Believe her when she says it's over between her and this other guy unless you have real reason not to. Assure her you are there for whatever she may need. But this is most important. Make sure she knows herself and what she wants. That's where I know I messed up. Alot of crap happens in life at the college age. The only thing you can do is know yourself before you can give that to someone else.

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The Phenomenon

Tough situation.

Personally, I would not be able to continue a relationship with a girl that cheated on me. Maybe I would if my current GF did, but I am not sure since I have never been in this situation.

Cheating is probably the most horrible thing I can imagine happening. If I were you, and I am not, I would break it off with her. Chances are, if she cheated once (actually you have no idea how many times) she'd cheat again. Of course you are having major trust issues! She broke all the trust you had in her by having sex with some other guy. You don't trust her, and she is not deserving of any trust at all. She proved that. I would not know how to take this forward. I would break it off...

If you do continue, its HER responsibility to regain your trust. She has to want to take this further, she has to disclose everything she did, she has to take responsibility for what she has done. Make sure she understands EXACTLY what she did to you by cheating. Then she has to get to work and try to make this better. She has to try to make this up to you. She has to earn your trust, and prove that she is worthy of it. And if she does, and if you want to continue, you have to forgive her COMPLETELY. I think that would be the hardest part.

Make sure you see eachother regularly, twice a month atleast. She's only an hour away. Once a month you can commute to her, and once a month she can commute to you. She has to try and see you as much as she can, and the same for you. Atleast call eachother a few times a week.

Thats all I can think of... Still I don't think I have it in me to forgive such a thing...

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The Phenomenon

Ok just one thing: Just because he wants an exclusive relationship does not mean he is a control freak that wants to control her love for him. Maybe he just wants it all to himself, like he gives all of his to her exclusively.

There is way too much hostility to exclusive, commited relationships on this forum. I find the idea of a non-commited non-exculsive relationship revolting, and its not something that I will ever be able to live with. That does not make me a control freak.

This guy's feelings on this matter are 100% valid. I doubt he was accidentally in a non-commited relationship. I have no idea how that could be.

SpaceLemons

Well, thanks for all the input. I've come to the decision that staying with my girlfriend is the best thing for both of us. We both know she made a mistake and we're working hard to get things on track, but she also knows that if it happens again there won't be much hesitation on my part to walk out. People deserve a second chance, sometimes even a third I guess. I'm going on vacation Sunday with her and we're hoping to have a really fun time. Things between us have been getting better and our arguing has been cut to a minimum. I'm allowing myself to trust her again, which may come back to bite me in the ass but it's my decision. For a few of you who wondered, we're both 21. And for someone who said we should work out a way to be closer, we have. We're both going to be attending the same college in the Spring. I've decided to go back for my BA and her and I will be in the same year. The only snag in that is I'll still be working full time and schooling it full time, but time out for my girlfriend has never been an issue. Again, thanks for all the input, feel free to post more, I like reading it.

The Phenomenon

Glad you could work sometrhing out. I really wish you luck man, I don't think I could do what you are doing...

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Do not confuse altruism with kindness, good will or respect for the rights of others. These are not primaries, but consequences, which, in fact, altruism makes impossible. The irreducible primary of altruism, the basic absolute, is self-sacrifice - which means: self-immolation, self-abnegation, self-denial, self-destruction - which means: the self as a standard of evil, the selfless as a standard of the good.

doncalypso

She cheated on you therefore she is not trustworthy. Get rid of her or else she'll cheat on you again because if you take her back you'll be basically telling her it's alright to cheat since you'll forgive her anyways.

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