imkeen

I debated on posting this here or under relationships, but I think it fits both places.

Newsweek: the new infidelity

Turns out that women may be cheating a lot more than we tend to think. And it might be for the great sex....

Has anyone had any experiences with affairs that they care to share how good/bad the sex was? And why was it that good or bad? Do you regret the sex? Do you regret the relationship as a whole?

I'm interested mainly in affiars by married folks, but all posts are good for the group, so post away.

Just curious....

Redgirl

Strange no one has replied to this... I haven't ever cheated on my husband so I guess I don't have a story for you. But I did find the article really interesting and I think it's logical in a lot of ways that the more women are empowered financially the more they want control over their own lives. Including having an affair if they chose to.

But if you're going to cheat, why not just open the relationship and give the other person license to cheat as well? It seems unfair to not give the other person the freedom to do what you're doing.

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forehead

I saw part of this on the today show - and thought wow where are they all cuz I dont know any.

Gilson

My wife (then girlfriend) cheated on me about a year and a half into our relationship (been together 6 years now, married for 3 months.) That article scared the crap outta me. It was hard as hell to get through, but we managed alright, and I'm glad I went that route instead of just ending it entirely.

MSD

I don't see how anyone could find it surprising that women cheat as much as men do. The apparent discrepancy is caused by the fact that men admit to it more often, or are caught more often.

This should go in the bucket with the myth that women aren't as interested in sex as men.

doncalypso

Well... I'm not married now (I'm only 22 and I have a long way to go with school before I'm ready to settle down in a marriage relationship) but if my future wife were to ever cheat on me I'd dump her and wouldn't ever consider staying with her after she betrayed me.

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losthellhound

Yeah women cheat just as much as guys do.. I dont know if its more or not though. I've had two girlfriends cheat on me pretty horribly.. Its not to say that most do.. I just had bad taste a few years back and was a bad judge of character..

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imkeen

I think women cheat for different reasons for men, typically. Men enjoy sex. Almost universally, and if they aren't spending time with the SO to get it at home, they'll look elsewhere. Or maybe they're just dogs and would do it regardless of their status with their SO. There are the sex crazed women out there too, I'm sure, but typically, it seems that women cheat when they are not being emotionally supported by their SO. So they get involved emotionally with another and end up in bed, because that's how relationships work, right?

I'm glad that women feel more empowered to take control over their own relationships, but ideally they'd be talking to their SO about whats going wrong and fix it. I'm sure its a lot harder than it sounds, however.

I also don't think its fair to dump someone immediately after a 'betrayal'. I think everyone betrays their SO in thought or in deed at some point. No one has the right to stand on a moral high horse about this issue. It really depends on the relationship. If there was some agreement by both that it was the end when either one strayed, I could see an immediate termination, but even then, if you can't work through the issue or at least talk through the issue as a couple after it happens, I think your relationship may not have been solid anyway.

A little story...I was a 'good' boyfriend and repeatedly took back my emotionally unstable gf after she slept with someone else. The first was damaging but we made it through. The second was a 'drinking' accident that sounded like she didn't/couldn't stop it (in another country even, not good, borderline rape, but I didn't really trust her, so I never really knew if it was rape or she wanted it). The third time was the charm. At that point she had been my wife for about 9 months (were together for 4 years) and I moved out and eventually divorced her. In hindsight, I really wasn't paying attention to her like I should have on a normal, daily basis. I guess she felt empowered.

freeload

Haven't read the article - but i believe in honesty, and working things out. (Why would she/I be honest if we knew it would be the end of it?)

My wife had a little affair early in our relatioship. First time drunk, didn't enjoy it - didn't even like the guy and made him stop once she sobered up a little. There was no purpose with the sex - but it was bad. (We're painfully honest with eachother - so i trust her on this).

Forgave her instantly - but it was painful for a long time afterwards. However, the proces of dealing with it made us more open for some "wild stuff". Since then there has been several great-sex experiences with other people. (Threesome aint cheating! :-) )

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imkeen

freeload - That is the most amazing outcome of cheating I've ever heard of! Unfortunately that didn't happen for me! :-)

slimshaydee

It's human nature to cheat, even if they are totally in love with their SO, they look elsewhere for something they aren't getting, or they just want to bed different people. Alot of married couples swing for this reason

bbrown4

If they cheat, walk away. Leave them to their own devices.

If a person is happy as they are - with who they are - the chances of them doing something completely boneheaded are very slim. I see a lot of "single" women, most of whom have boyfriends, and I often get the same inherent vibe of sadness, or perhaps unfulfillment, from them. It's almost like they are going through the motions.

unoaman

If the ratio were 90% of women cheat on their SO...then nearly 100% of men will say "mine is in the 10% that doesn't". But look at it this way...all of those cheating partners gotta be screwing somebody!

bob250000

I don't know how people who have been cheated on could ever stay in the relationship. For me, it's a trust issue, and once you've been betrayed once, I could never trust my partner again, no matter how many tears and excuses I see and hear.

*Nikki*

I see the method behind the maddness.

Men do tend to get slack a little later on in the relationship. Once they feel like they have you a lot of times they just give up trying to keep you. I have been there.

I am hoping that doesn't happen everytime and that there are men out there who will continue to "woo" a woman long after that first kiss.

blindawg

I've been with a few marride women, they are usually looking for something they're not getting intheir marriages.. Thats the same reason I think I cheated on my wife.. She wasn't there for me in so many ways.. Another part of me truely thinks it was a lot of immaturity on my part as well... With my current girlfriend I'd never consider cheating.. She gives me everythign I need and more, both pyhsically and emotionally.


As for wome cheating. I think it's just being talked about more in teh open along with women taking more control of their lives.. Cheating is never a good thing.. And wether the outcome is good or bad, it's something that should never be done without lots of though on what the outcome will be'

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rekinom

Post removed.

Captain Nemo

Ok, just to weigh in with a hypothetical. Let's assume that someone's SO suffers from a medical condition that does not allow for sexual intimacy. Let's further assume that this condition is not showing any signs of going away; if anything it is here for the long haul. Now let's further suppose that sexuality between the couple was an active part of the relationship prior to the onset of this condition. And lastly, let's also assume that the SO recognizes what this has done to the relationship and has indirectly admitted that the other person could find that release, assuming caution and safety were utilized (and she would not want to know about it).

My question, if the person were to go ahead and find something on the side, is he cheating?

ratbastid

If it's pre-arranged and everybody's cool with it, then no. It's not cheating.

The litmus test here is: if you have to lie about it or keep it secret, it's cheating. Withholding the details isn't the same thing.

This whole "cheating" thing gets really simple when both partners are stable and the relationship is firm enough that both partners can admit their desires openly. You wouldn't believe the number of times that some random hottie has become bedtime-story fodder for lurkette and me. And in one remarkable instance, something more than just fantasy has happened.

That pressure-valve pretty well ensures for me that cheating won't ever be something we have to deal with. If either of us feels the urge, we can talk about it, include it in our own sexuality, and, if appropriate, let something happen.

Puritanical attitudes toward sex are the strongest possible fuel for the behavior they try to eradicate.

Captain Nemo

Ratbastid, here's the rub. She is making the concession (hypothetically) out of her inability to perform. This is not something she is happy with, but she knows how much tension is being created by it.

Would she be happy if I were to say "I would never want anyone but you, so I will wait", of course, but this is something that is going to require waiting a loooong time (we're talking Mayo clinic time lengths here). And no, this is not something that I am actively looking at pursuing at this point (ok, so it wasn't really a hypothetical question), it just came up the other day and the logic behind telling someone it is all right, but not wanting to know about it has me addled.

NotMinus

I wouldn't do it Nemo. (re-read that you are not married and reffering to a SO, but my veiwpoint still stands if you are commited) You are the master of yourself and if you are married and this has come up; can't you simply prove to your wife that you can control your urges for her sake. She can tell you that it is a possibility but if she does not want to know about it, it must hurt her emotionly. Wouldn't it be dissrespectfull to her and your marriage to involve yourself in actions that hurt her.

When I am married it will be for life. I have no intentions of divorce or infidelity but I would make it perfectly clear that if my wife couldn't honour our marriage to the same standard their would be no forgiveness, I would leave her immediatly, even if we had kids. It is a hard position to take and I imagine it would be far more complicated if the situation arose but I feel strongly about it.