guinnessgurl

So my boyfriend just recently told me that he's been doing a lot of thinking lately and while he still doesn't know exactly what he wants, he's starting to feel like maybe he wants to move out (right now, we live together). His reasons, as explained to me, for wanting this, are because he's started to feel like maybe he's been missing out on something because he never got the chance to live with a good buddy or a group of roommates or something. We both moved out of our parents homes and in with each other....and while I do sometimes wonder about what it would be like to live with a good girlfriend or a group of chicks, I'm completely happy where I am right now and don't want to change it. My bf said it also had something to do with the fact that he is looking into going to school (either in jan, or next sep) and would therefore live with his grandparents while doing so (to save on money), which basically renders me homeless regardless. I don't know what to do! I love him so much and don't want to live with anyone but him, yet somehow I can't help feeling like this is the beginning of the end. He says that he still loves me and would want to stay together even if we weren't living together, but I just don't know if i can do that....Already, its been tearing me up inside to think of him not wanting to live with me anymore. I can't stop crying, I'm smoking way too much, all I want to do is lie in bed and not face the world, except I get up for work every single day (yes, seven days a week - i work two jobs) and do it anyways.....I'm breaking inside, and I don't know what to do to preserve whatever I have left. And to make it worse, on his part, this is all speculation, but if i know him like i think I do, he's really not happy, and these feelings will just arise again sooner or later if he ignores them now and I can't bear to just wait around for that to happen.....

What would you do?

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Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

TM875

First, look at the reality of the situation. He's just moving out. Finding a new place to live, more or less for legitimate reasons. Call up a few friends and ask to crash there until you can find a place on your own.

Now, the brain-numbing part. Anyone who is willing to leave his girlfriend homeless in order to live with his buddies is an asshole. Anyone willing to leave his girlfriend homeless just to save on rent is an uncommitted, weak little pussy. The problem is not where you are living - it's why are you still with this guy?

He obviously not wanting to live with you. He does not want the committment of staying with a long term partner. Read: he wants to party and fuck other girls. You're absolutely right - these feelings will keep popping up.

I think you should leave him. Find someone much better than this pathetic excuse for a person. Go out and find yourself some good friends to live with, and get yourself a new boyfriend.

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"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

timalkin

I couldn't have said it any better.

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wonderwench

I second that. GG, you could do a lot better and probably not much worse. This guy is most likely a proto-emotional abuser.

StormBerlin

TM speaks the truth... moving out is just an excuse.

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iamnormal

Sounds like he is haveing trouble opening the closet door. Maybe he needs help with the door so he can come out and face the world.

thebiz

Kick him in the junk.

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slimshaydee

Woah some people are a little hostile towards the guy here. When you're at school you look at any way of saving money you can, because money becomes really scarce. Have you told him that you are basically homeless if he moves out?

Tom Thumb

I'd do the only thing I could do, really, and that would be to take care of my own lack of housing and deal with my partner later. Maybe he wasn't ready to move in in the first place?

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fallenangel

Slimshaydee... he knows her situation...

Guinessgurl, sweetheart, call me.... i'm still waiting to hear back from you...My quote for you, and i'm trying desperately to live by it...


"If you love something let it go, if it comes back it was truly meant to be."

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ninety09

He should've thought about it before moving in with her..

Rlyss

People change. I'm sure he did think long and hard about and eventually came to the decision to move in with guinnessgurl. I'm not saying he's being totally fair by doing this, but I don't think everyone should jump in and rip out his throat.

I can't quite tell from your post if he's made the decision to move out or not, or if he's discussing it with you. For a board which stresses communication so much I find it shocking that so many people are ripping guinnessgurl's boyfriend to shreds for communicating his feelings and ambitions and hopes to her.

It sounds to me like he's partly reached some version of a mid-life crisis ('some version' because I don't know how old you guys are, but it's the only way I can think of to explain it), and wants to hang out with his friends and live a sort of college life.

And partly that he has goals to go to school and he can only realize these goals by moving in with his grandparents. Ask him what his plans are for when he finishes school. Don't interrogate the guy, but explain to him that you're not sure if his moving out is just a more 'gentle' way of breaking it off with you. For all we know he might turn around and say 'No! I didn't know you had that impression!' He might be gradually moving away from his life with you, or he may see this as a temporary relocation in order to better himself, and you as a couple in the future.

As for you being homeless, does he realize this? Is there anything stopping you from moving in with some friends, or finding a flatmate, or even (and this is stretching it) moving in with the grandparents? Maybe he hasn't even realized that you'd be homeless if he moved out. I know that can be met with "Well, he should realize! And he's an undeserving asshole if he doesn't!" But perhaps he's just really confused at the moment.

If he's moving in with his grandparents I think his real goals are to go to school and make ends meet without paying the cost of living in his own house. I can't imagine living with grandparents being a college-type party every night so I wouldn't be too worried about him clutching at youth.

Perhaps I'm just trying to look at the bright side of all this.

Flyguy

He's a prick. Kick him to the curb.

Ockhams_razor

Alot of these responses are shallow and selfish. Maybe he just wants a little space...maybe he DOES want to save money. Don't think the worst...if you plan for the worst, the worst will happen...it just will.

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This is not me, I used to be strong, Now I feel weak, This is not me, I never said it was, I didn't like it because, I lost my way

Aladdin Sane

Wait a minute folks--slow down. Calling the guy a prick and a loser is way outta bounds. We don't know enough about the situation to make those kind of judgements. He wants to move on and he has told guinnessgirl his intentions. That doesn't make him a bad person.
Questions:
1. How old are the two of you?
2. What kind of commitment was made to each other when you moved in together?
3. How long have you been together, and how long have you been living together?

It sounds to me like you two are young, and he now sees that you moved in together way too early. He wants to experience more of life, and he is telling you in the most gentle way he can. The truth is this kind of thing happens all the time to young couples who fail to see that the male half is not yet mature enough for a long term commitment. It hurts, but you will survive. Once you are over the pain, try to search for the lessons learned.
I am sorry for your pain. Really I am.

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Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.

*Nikki*

GG let me tell you something. Any man that does this crap to you is not worth keeping.

I lived with my man for 5+ years. I was also very much in love with him. I could not bare the thought of living without him. Well the same thing happened to me. We had a fight one night and he told me he wanted to move out. He said "Maybe we can date". I am sorry but once you live with someone you don't go backwards. There is no backwards there is only forewards. Something else is going on besides what he has told you. Take it from me.....I learned the hard way.
I was left without a place to live and had to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks before I was able to get my own much cheaper place.
Now that I have been living on my own for over a year I realize that I CAN do it without him and I do it everyday. We of course broke up after he moved out and now I am so grateful the way things turned out.

It will probably be the hardest thing you ever do, but standing on your own two feet is the most wonderful feeling.

I believe more then anything what fallenangel said to you. IF you love something set it free......you know the rest.

TM875

Maybe you guys are right. Perhaps we're being a little tough on the guy.

But ya know what? With being an adult, comes certain obligations and responsibilities. He is leaving her HOMELESS. This is so that he can save money and chill with his friends. He also does not seem to be making any kinds of personal sacrifices to help his girlfriend out. The fact that he is leaving without really doing anything to help her makes him a prick.

Granted, maybe you guys were too young to move in together. Nonetheless, if he was a real stand-up guy, he would take care of you before any other actions. This means spending as much time as possible to help find you another place to live. Or - even though this may be a horrible, unbelievable idea - take the initiative to get a job while he is in school. I worked for a major supermarket chain as a baker. While I was in college, I still trained there to be able to get a management posistion. By my sophomore year, I had the certification to get one of these jobs. This meant that I was getting paid a lot for part time and, when I graduated, I was able to get a job with a starting salary around $60,000 a year.

Sorry to threadjack. My point is, he is not doing enough to help this girl out. If he truly was a decent guy...not a prick...he would help her find a place to live and have the decency to stay with her until she does.

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"I've made only one mistake in my life. But I made it over and over and over. That was saying 'yes' when I meant 'no'. Forgive me."

guinnessgurl

to answer your questions, he is 25 and I am (almost) 19, we have been together for a year and a half officially and have been living together since december....

and to reply to other's posts....

my boyfriend does realize that by moving out, I would have nowhere (as of yet) to live. I do have a good gf that i could call upon as well as another lady who has offered me a room in her home. I was using the term 'homeless' losely, its not like I have no options, but the fact is simply that it would not be my decision to try these options, i would be forced into doing so, something i don't want to do - i want to continue living with my boyfriend just as we've been doing.....

and to clarify, my boyfriend has just been discussing his feelings with me, he has no intention of up and leaving me with nowhere to go. If this is eventually what he decides to do (he's still thinking) then he will stay for as long as it takes for me to get settled somewhere else. he is a caring boyfriend, dont' get me wrong.

and i don't think he is wanting to move out because he is wanted to experience some type of college life or because he wants to party and fuck other girls.he has told me that regardless of anything, he wants to stay together. its more just a feeling that he has that maybe he's missed out on something by not living with his buddies first before moving in with a gf. he doesn't necessarily want to act on that feeling, its just something he has been thinking about. the whole grandparents situation is simply to save on money while going to school - something I understand completely and do not hold against him.

we've been talking about it LOTS and there are plenty of other factors to consider from both our ends. ie, i have two great jobs here where I'm living that I don't want to leave. we have a cat together and if we move out, who's to say that either of us will move into a place accepting of pets? and we've also bought a lot of things together as a couple that would be painful and stressful to divy up. my boyfriends realizes all these factors and these are all things he has been thinking about. all this started because he wanted to communicate to me how he was feeling - something I'm really happy he did, i would hate to have not known about any of this and had him be unhappy. but like i said, we've been talking about it and i think maybe we've reached a decision....

we're going to live together for another year until he goes back to school (he most likely won't be able to get in until next fall) and we'll both try and save money in the meantime and focus on strengthening our relationship. at the same time, I'm going to encourage him to spend more time with his buddies so he doesn't feel so left out (well that's something i've been trying to do for a while now, but i think he felt guilty before, leaving me home to go hang out with the guys - now he knows i want and encourage him to do that) and hopefully that will satisfy both of us and we can make this work. Because, believe me, above all else, we both want to make this work. We both fought hard to be together and to get to where we are now, that it would really be a shame to just throw it all away.....

Then basically, when that year is up and its time for him to go to school, he will move in with his grandparents, and I'll find a roomate or something in the same town in order for us to still be close together (this way, it at least gives me a year to plan and prepare) and when school is finished, we'll move back in together, be it back here where we are now, or in a new town, or even a new country (we both want to move to Ireland), but regardless of where, we want to do it together....

So for now, that is what we are going to try and here's hoping it will work out in a way that makes both of us happy! Because I love my guy and before anything else, I want to see him happy!


Thanks for all your responses though, it was nice to see some support but also to see it from another point of view too.....

Cheers!

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Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

SinisterMotives

Here's the lesson I hope you've learned from that: never move in with anyone - boyfriend, roommate, or whatever - without a backup plan.

Johnny Rotten

You're nineteen. With a few more serious relationships under your belt, you'll be able to make something better than you ever could have at this stage in your life. Take George Eliot's suggestion to heart and forge your own path for a while. Even if you're only a little wiser for it, you're ten times as prepared to deal with pitfalls, and ten times as able to avoid them altogether.

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"The idea that money doesn't buy you happiness is a lie put about by the rich, to stop the poor from killing them." -- Michael Caine

Mehoni

I second that. Never trust even your closest friends. Me and my SO have both our names on the contract so nobody can force the other one to move out.

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There seem to be countless rituals and cultural beliefs designed to alleviate their fear of a simple biological truth - all organisms eventually perish.

Blackthorn

I think this pretty much sums it up nicely. This guy has a bad case of wanderlust.

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What are you willing to give up in order to get what you want?

Aladdin Sane

My gut tells me he's not telling you the whole truth. But that's just me.

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SinisterMotives

It's not just that. I was thinking more along the lines of how it's not a good idea to get yourself in a position where you depend on someone else to keep a roof over your head. I've had roommates who didn't care if the utilities were cut off or whatever as long as they could avoid paying their way. One should always have somewhere to go or have money stashed to get a place on their own because you never know how a living arrangement is going to work out until you're already in it.

guinnessgurl

I know my boyfriend and I know this is not the case!

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Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

Prince

Aye...same here. I don't buy a lot of the guy's story, but then again I didn't get it from him, I got it from her.

Either way, I hope they work things out, or rather, that things work out for them. Especially her...she seems really sweet and a good person.

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Eric640

OBVIOUSLY the gut response, emotional type reaction is to tell him to fuck off. He is leaving you with a place you can't afford, in order to fufill his own need for higher education.

HOWEVER... before you "kick him in the balls" I think you need to consider weather he realises exactly what this means for you. Does he know that he is screwing you over? Has he been unfaithful before? Do you REALLY have a REASON to suspect an ulterior motive...

or did he just get an idea and make really crappy plans without consulting you.


All I'm saying is dont shoot first and ask questions later. Talk to him and find out whats really going on.

*Nikki*

I have found also that men will say anything to make a situation go a little easier.

Just something to keep in mind.

seven247

Could be that he wants to better himself and your holding him back. Lets see, you work 7 days a week, 2 jobs. You smoke 24/7 thats 5 bucks a pack times how many packs a day(atleast one) so thats 150 bucks a month wasted.

pig

Guiness,

Based on my experiences in these situations, I would say that the good news from a practical standpoint is that you've got a year to see what happens, and that you're in love with this guy so it will allow you to be close to him and see where things go.

The (possibly) bad news is that I've been in your boyfriends shoes, or in a similar situation to them. I hate to say it, but it sounds a lot like the start of a case of the cold feet. That's not to say that I don't think that it can't work out...but in my experience once things start to go that way in a relationship, something changes. And usually, when there aren't extenuating circumstances to keep you together (marriage / religous belief or kids) things have a way of dissipating. It's kind of like Nikki said (with perhaps a little less venom - I think she and I may be biased in different directions ) you can't go backwards in a relationship...at least not easily and not without the passage of time.

Quick message - I would advise you to to be on the lookout...you've seen some signs that could be cold-fee-itus. I'm not saying that I think you should pull out of the relationship or anything, but I'd be aware and I wouldn't just stick my head in the sand and pretend like none of this ever came up. Move on with things, but don't forget.

And for the people wanting to kill the bf - not appropriate. He's going through natural emotions in this situation, he's not leaving her in anything near a cardboard box, and it's better for this to come up sooner than later.

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highthief

This is the most sensible thing ANYONE on this thread has said. No decision needs to made for a while, you have time to improve your relationship (which you acknowledge needs strengthening) and you can both grow a year older and hopefully, wiser.

analog

Yup. They sure do. And once he's moved out, and the phone calls slow down, and you stop seeing each other all the time, you'll know. I'm sorry

guinnessgurl

when I said that I'm smoking way too much, I meant way too much for myself. I normally only smoke when I'm extremely stressed (which has pretty much been the case for the past couple of days) or when I'm drinking, which means one pack normally lasts me at least two weeks. Now its more like one week or a week and half. So no, I'm not wasting $150 a month on cigarettes, more like $20.....and I really don't think that I'm holding my bf back from anything....

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Don't go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail - George Eliot

xim

You need to get pissed off. Tell him that he is leaving you with no options. Most importantly tell him (in whatever way you feel would be the smoothest) that if he is willing to do this to you then you dont think your relationship is really worth holding on to. Since he is so much older than you and from what you have said, im willing to bet that you are the one who feels the need to desperatly hold onto the relationship. He knows this and treats you accordingly. If he doesn't change his attitude after you tell him you dont want to stay together when he moves, then he doesn't feel the same way about you that you feel about him. You cant change that no matter what you do. Just remember... You CAN and WILL find someone else.

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