What else do you need besides Love?
 

This is a question for the more experienced in this forum. From my own experience I know that love isn't necessarily enough to keep a relationship together. So what else do you need to stay together for the long term?
Compassion? Empathy? Compromise? Toughness? Flexibility?

What do you think it takes? What has worked for you? Hell at the risk of making this an overly broad question, what hasn't worked?

utter and complete Trust, honesty, strength, flexibility.

trust to me is first and foremost. I feel if I can't trust a girl, the relationship is in deep trouble.

Trust is big. Time, flexibility, companionship, compromise, understanding, laughter and respect are all close seconds. I need a guy who is willing to stay with me thru the good and bad, so committment is big too.

Luckily, my SO has all that I've listed, and more that I didn't.

the most important one for me is fun, but then again im 19 so Im not into serious relationships

Trust is a given... but without sense of humor -- there's nothing - -if you can laugh in the face of adversity, or find humor in any situation, you can hang with me.

i think respect....if you don't respect the girl....than you never will truely love her

I am 42 and in love...makes me qualified to respond to this post. Besides love, truth and freedom are essential to a healthy relationship. Oh, and hot sex.

I couldnt have said it better myself....

Maslow's Heirarchy

He needs to have a large penis.

Just kidding. But the sex has to be good, I'm not moving on that. If there's no sexual energy, then the relationship becomes purely platonic if at all.

Trust is a big thing, but trust is earned. If someone has trust issues, then those can be overcome with time. If both people want them to be over come.

To reiterate others, trust is huge. Sense of humour is essential, lifes tough without laughter. A sense of self confidence so that if one partner needs some alone time it doesn't offend or freak the other out. Being comitted and knowing that you WILL have fights and things WILL get bad but you don't give up and are willing to work through those times. Physical attraction, once you lose that you're just good friends. Respect, compromise, similar interests that grow with time. Relationships are complex and tricky things...

Besides love you need 100% open and honest communication if you want a relationship to work.

Without open communication there cannot be trust, compassion, empathy, or even humor... Unfortunately, my experience has shown me that although some women say they want open communication with their man they can't handle true open communication because a lot of times they can't deal with it when a man tells them what he really thinks and feels.

so wouldn't that mean you need say, 95% open and honest communication rather than 100%? :)

"honey, do you like my new haircut?"
"definately not. you know how i hate short hair, what the hell were you thinking?"

yeah... 90% - 95% sounds about right.

With love, everything else falls into place, you have everything you need. From love you give and receive all that is important.

i.e. if you truly love someone, you will be honest & open.
if you truly love someone, you will be compassionate & caring.
if you truly love someone, you will love them for who they are, no matter what.
if you truly love someone, you will not worry about it.

I'm with you on this one.

I'm not really plugging this site because I don't any affiliation with it soooo...having said that I will share a link that I have found useful: Marriage Builders

There is a lot of VERY useful information on this site about how to create and maintain long term compatability. The section on "His Needs, Her Needs" is very interesting. The principles are powerful and I've found them to be helpful.

Essentially each individual is unique in what they consider to be their most important emotional needs. That explains the differnces of opinion you have seen already in this thread. If you can meet your partners say top 5 or 6 most important emotional needs you will create an environment where "love" is possible. Please read more details on the site.

Hope this helps...

In no particular order:
Trust
Communication
Compromise
Compatibility (beyond good sex)
Sense of humour (you'd have to if you wanted to live with me)

I was going to say communication too, and this does seem to sum it up nicely.

Love is not enough.

You need trust, compatibility, and companionship.

No matter how much Ilove someone, if I can't trust them to remain loyal to me, or to not kill my kids, etc. I am going to leave.

No matter how much I love someone, if all we do is fight whenever they are around, I am going to leave.

And no matter how much I love someone, if we can't relate to each other or make each other happy, then I will find someone who is more compatible.

I'd say Trust and Communication are the big biggies, as loads of people here have already said.

In the long run there's gonna be times you cant know things for sure and have to take their word, and they yours. Much easier if you can both do that unthinkingly.

Share openly and often - dont even get into a relationship with someone you dont see as your best friend also, and you should be fine.

You make your luck in the love game by choosing right in the first place.

Thanks for the input all. Pretty much confirmed what I thought.
Definitly agree that 100% communication isn't essential, in fact sometimes dangerous. Sometimes there are things about a relationship that I need to talk to someone other than the person I'm in the relationship with. You know, blow off a little steam. Not always a good thing to do with a partner. Especially a sensitive one.

Mutual respect, compassion, a spark.

I like this its what I think aswell.

I am in love with someone who is having doubts about us. She wants time to think about whether we should be together. Its the most painfull thing I have ever endured.
but I feel I truly love her. And as much as I try to pull away I can't hurt her I can't be mad at her i can't even not want to be with her.

Love IS what you need. If you can't love someone you won't trust/care/listen/have a good time together. you NEED love.

After doing some thinking maybe I answered too quickly.
Love is the backbone of what you need in a relationship.
You do however need Trust. If you cannot trust someone you may bring up more dangerous emotions. Jealousy which we all know can destroy a relationship cold.
Honesty is another one you need. If you cannot be honest with one another who are you being honest with.
Love will push you to do these things, You need to believe in it to do it though.

You have to have similiar life goals. You can have love, but you can't build a life with someone who isn't going the same direction as you.

trust, compassion, understanding, communication, closeness, familiarity, give and take..

*lists more and more and more*

find it all and you'll be the happiest person you know

Some very good comments above. I'll add a couple more things to the list:

- Communication & Lubrication

- A shared sense of values and goals. It's difficult to maintain a long term relationship if both partners aren't travelling the same path.

Communication, first and foremost, but you're also going to need a good dose of bravery and patience. What situations require courage and what others require patience...well, that's something only experience can teach you.

You need to have similiar values in life. Communication is essential. Trust and respect are really big in my book. I think with love for another brings patience and understanding and the willingness to let past mistakes go. I also think the love should be equal..one person shouldn't love the other one more.

"All you need is love" I think trust, humor, sex and everything else just kinda flow into love.

You also need a little bit of tension and the consequent give and take. If you don't have any tensions at all it gets boring, doesn't it?

You have to be able to put your wants and needs aside at times and put your partner's first. Then when the times comes they will do the same for you.

Similiar values/ goals in life are essesntial as well.

can't see the reason why nobody has said this yet, but:

patience

you are gonna need patience, and alot of it. Patience and compromise (which I sort of consider the same thing) ...

Love stands alone atop the mountain. To get there I have to have trust and respect. If it's love - then everything else falls into place - trust, respect, courage, and passion.

John Lennon "All you need is love."

I agree with bbrown4, if you are in love then the rest should fall naturally into place.

As long as you understand that naming something takes away power from it, I have no problem telling you words for the things i have experienced. I would like you to realize, however, that What I mean by 'naming takes away power' is that when something is simplified into a word, it becomes easier to define, yet jjust as easy to dismiss. With that in mind:

trust, honesty, communication, understanding, compassion, humor, passion (not lust, there's a difference), as well as an eagerness to grow and change with and for the person you care about.

(note: I know I've missed a few, but it's late and I'm tired. ;))

A toasted cheese sandwich.


Why do you ask?

I would have to agree with cameroncrazy822


"Maslow's Heirarchy"

Check it out:

When a lower and more pressing need has been satisfied the human feels their motivation shift to a new need at a higher level until the ultimate state of self-actualisation is reached.

Maslow's idea is applicable not only to individual people but to social groups too. Small organisations and groups of friends or teammates, couples, companies, schools and whole societies move up the heirarchy. This section outlines the theory and the need levels and discusses some of the implications.



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Survival Needs
The raw basics of survival. Without these nothing else matters. Food, water shelter. The caveman needs.
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Security Needs
Safety from danger, safety in numbers. This covers everything from having a big club with you in your cave, to having a parent look out for you, to having a system of law and order in society.
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Belonging Needs
Affiliation as part of a group with which you identify. A family, a social group, some likeminded peers. The need not to be an outcast.
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Love Needs
This is part of the need to belong and doesn't necessarily mean love in the romantic sense. Love for ones family and friends applies too. It is the need to have people to care deeply for and to feel cared for in return. Freud dealt with the survival, security and belonging needs as manifested in the human psyche.
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Self-Esteem Needs
The need to achieve a level of competence or status that one feels is useful and deserving of respect in society. Adler's psychology of power and inferiority complexes deals with the specific nature and manifestations of this need.
The next few needs are higher still and are often parallel to each other in a person or society. Which is dominant seems more determined by indiviual aptitude and skill.


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Self-Expression Needs
The need to control and create within ones environment. Freedom to express individuality that will not collide with the needs for belonging and esteem. An artists may feel this particularly.
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Intellectual Needs
A higher need. The need for people to pursue intellectual avenues and probe the reaches of human understanding. A gifted person will feel this very strongly and may actually experience mental illness if this need isn't satisfied.
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Spritual Needs
Conecting with a greater power or God or the development of a consistent and nourishing philosophy is a psychological need. One needs a reason to live.
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Self-Actualisation
This is the highest attainment according to Maslow and is the state where a person is achieving all they want and is able to fulfil their true potential unhindered by society or circumstance.

I really find a lot of this to be true in my relationships.

Site where I got the info from:

http://www.star.qmul.ac.uk/~rmh/maslow.html

love is a verb. it can not exist without the two people making it work and making it happen. with that said, the other things that compose a good relationship are trust, respect, communication, patience, understanding and the willingness to grow. notice that you will both grow and change in the years and embrace it. you can't "love" someone if you only liked how they were 5 years ago.. love is flexible and able to change because life is impermanent.

the trap with this quote, although i love john lennon, is that this doesn't challenge someone to nurture love. it's saying all you need is love, and that's that. one of my exes would always say this and leave it at that. he wouldn't do anything for the relationship and would *say* that he loved me but never showed it. i think he would quote it as an excuse, whenever i thought the relationship wasn't working. it was a sinking ship. you need so many other things than "love". it's not as simple as that. when you're with the right person, it might seem simple because a lot of the "work" comes naturally.

As the thread starter, I'll say that anti fishstick's answer most agrees with me. I've had the same experience with someone using the word 'Love' as an excuse for not doing their share of work in the relationship. I've also had the experience of having a 5 year relationship not work out with someone that I loved because we didn't have a common vision of the future.

So I guess it's my view the 'love conquers all' idea is nieve in someway, expoused by people who don't know how much work/how hard a long relationship is.
Which is why I asked for the opinion of the more experienced around here. I guess I was also looking for personal stories more than lists. What has worked? What hasn't?

Maybe I should have posted this as a poll for people who have been in >10 year relationships.