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07-31-2004, 10:05 PM
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#82 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: The Amish Wastelands of Ohio
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me: wait, dont move, whered the condom go?
her: ew, thats whats running down my leg apparently when she stood up from on top of me, she took it with her... Ive also heard the ACK! Wrong hole!!! Me: How many times did you come? Her: I lost track after 7 Her: Holy shit, its been 2 hours
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Honk if you've never seen an uzi fired from a car window! |
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07-31-2004, 11:31 PM
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#83 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: South Carolina
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not to threadjack, but is 2 hrs unheard of for sex?
also...how about. her: "I think it's still inside me" me: "Oh SHIT, the condom's stuck" saw: The condom hanging out of her with fluids running down her leg bc KY jelly becomes GLUE after about 30 minutes... She had to gently tug and pull and it would have been really comedic if the fluids weren't dripping down into her openings.. (i'm paranoid about pregnancy) it's funny now...
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Live. Chris |
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08-01-2004, 01:45 PM
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#84 (permalink) | |
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Psycho
Location: The Amish Wastelands of Ohio
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Quote:
__________________
Honk if you've never seen an uzi fired from a car window! |
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08-01-2004, 05:59 PM
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#86 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: Southern California
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ME: I want to suck your d**k tonight..
HIM: Nah, I'm too tired. (Very Weird!!!!) The strangest thing I ever said were not words, but a song. The radio was on and I heard a 'catchy' song and started to hum it. After we were done, he looked at me and asked "were you singing???" Oops, I guess I was!!!
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"There's one in every family...two in mine actually.."--- Zazu |
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08-01-2004, 09:05 PM
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#88 (permalink) |
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Addict
Location: Third World
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I read this once on another forum and had to save it. I couldn't remember the name of the poster or if it was his original work. My apologies to the original author for copying it without a reference, but this is just too damn good.....
The Male Orgasm I was once having a conversation with Jesus and our girlfriends and Razor's house, and an interesting subject came up. (And yes, I purposely included the name of an uberuser guru in a pale attempt to gain popularity) Anyway, someone asked, "Why are guys so quiet in bed." And while this is by no means true for all guys, here is my answer. Guys are quiet in bed because we are too busy thinking. You heard me right. Thinking. Deep thoughts. You see, it seems to generally the guy's job, (at least in my experience) to make the girl feel as good as possible and have sweet, sweet orgasms. The girl, on the other hand, is generally content to just lay back and see what I've got to offer. Again, I can't speak for anyone else, this is just in my personal experience. Not only am I thinking during sex, I am multi-tasking. My neuro-net processor of a brain is pounding algorithms as fast as my penis is pounding pussy. Just what is going through my head during sex? Like the moon, this is a frontier so far journeyed only by man. But here is a small window of what goes on in my head during sex: "Alright, time for some action" "I hope I don't fuck up this time" "Is that the right hole?" "Oh wait, there it is" "All right, lets start out slow" It isn't long before my thoughts turn into a quiet panic. BRAIN: "Damn, she just moved." BRAIN: "Did I do something right, or did I hurt her" BRAIN: "She's making noises!" BRAIN: "Pain noises or pleasure noises?" BRAIN: "Let try stepping up the pace a little" BRAIN: "More noises, I pretty sure that's pleasure now" BRAIN: "Oh yeah, she's starting to flush, I like that" BRAIN: "Lets try changing the angle a bit" ............................. BRAIN: "Nope, didn't like that" BRAIN: "Damn, what was I doing before?" BRAIN: "Fuck it, lets try a different position" WOMAN: "OUCH!" BRAIN: "Yeah....that one was definitely pain> WOMAN: "What are you doing?" BRAIN: "Mayday! Mayday!" BRAIN: "Decrease Velocity!" BRAIN: "Open flaps" BRAIN: "Landing gear engaged" BRAIN: "Disengage primary thrusters" BRAIN: "Systems check" ME: "You allright?" WOMAN: "Uh....Yeah" BRAIN: "No system damage" ME: "Allright, lets try this again" —five minutes later....computer pretty much takes over— BRAIN: "Allright, back on track" BRAIN: "Target in sight, hold position" BRAIN: "C'mon.......C'mon" BRAIN: "Hold it......Hold it....." COMPUTER: WARNING! WARNING! COMPUTER: ERR-ERR-ERR BRAIN: "Oh shit" COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD IMMINENT BRAIN: "Oh shit, not yet!" BRAIN: "Just a little longer" COMPUTER: DANGER HULL INTEGRITY COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD COMMENCING BRAIN: "FUCK! I'm not going to make it" BRAIN: "Pull out and prepare for manual override" COMPUTER: SYSTEM OVERLOAD __________ BRAIN: "Pull out, pull out" COMPUTER: AUTO PILOT ENGAGED BRAIN: "NO! UNENGAGE! UNENGAGE!" COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED....TARGET LOCKED BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?" BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?" BRAIN: "If I cum now, will it be too soon?" COMPUTER: COMPUTER: BRAIN: "Must....hold....on" COMPUTER: BRAIN: "can't.....hold it" COMPUTER: BRAIN: "Its out of my control, its in God's hands now" COMPUTER: "PRIMARY VALVE: EJACULATING" COMPUTER: "AUTOMATIC SYSTEM SHUT DOWN: COMMENCING" WOMAN: "Honey, are you alright?" ME: Yeah.....my head hurts...." WOMAN: "Sorry" ME: No, the other head" WOMAN: "What?" ME: Nothing" ME: Did you cum" WOMAN: "What, you didn't notice" ME: Actually, I was kinda too busy to notice" WOMAN: "You're so weird" ME: You should try being the pilot next time" WOMAN: "Get off me, I need to pee" Do you ever find that pre-orgasm expression on a guys face funny? Ever wonder what he's feeling" Its not pain Its not pleasure It is deep, hard, seething thought.
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"Failing tastes of bile and dog vomit. Pity any man that gets used to that taste." |
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08-03-2004, 03:39 AM
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#90 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Newcastle, Australia
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Funniest thing heard:
**Bring Bring** What? Hello? Oh high mum... (my GF at the time answered the phone whilst I was dining at the Sea Shanty) blah blah blah.... Yeah he's here. ME: ??? HER: Yeah he'll say hi. ME: (removing a pube  Oh hi. Blah blah. (Meanwhile she's now giving me a hand!)All in all it was a very strange occurance. |
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08-03-2004, 03:42 AM
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#91 (permalink) | |
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Crazy
Location: PA
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Quote:
Her: "Talk dirty to me..." Me:.... "I'm coming!!"  Gotta love the Wayans Classic: Don't Be a Menace to South Central while Drinking Your Juice in the 'Hood.  some great stuff in this thread. I'll have to think about the best/strangest I've ever heard.... |
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08-05-2004, 04:29 AM
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#92 (permalink) |
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In Your Dreams
Location: City of Lights
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Her.. just as we're hitting a climax point (or I was, I guess she wasn't as much.. ): Baby, this is really unromantic.. but I'll be right back.. *runs to the toilet to pee*
Earlier in the night we make a joke about her moaning "Frank" during sex (was in reference to a movie I think.. she didn't actually do it).. later that night we're getting into it hot and heavy.. and I say: "Ohhhhhh... Frankkkkk"... We both started cracking up and had to abort the mission for a little while hehe. One time we were.. going at it (spooning-style).. and the TVs on.. she's not really into it.. she's basically doing it for my benefit.. but Win Ben Stein's Money was on.. She started yelling out answers to the show. Just ruined it hehe. |
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08-05-2004, 04:55 AM
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#93 (permalink) |
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In Your Dreams
Location: City of Lights
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Oh.. one more.. in my bedroom.. at my parent's place.. it's Saturday morning.. me and girl are going at it for a bit of morning nookie.. and we both hear: "knock knock knock" on the door. Quickly roll over, cover ourselves with a sheet.. and say "yeah...", knowing full well we were making a bit of noise and whoever was on the other side of that door heard us...
16 year old younger brother slowly opens the door a bit (the room smells of sex).. and says "Mom says pancakes are ready".. all the while looking downwards... he quickly closed the door.. after that, we couldn't finish.. and went and had pancakes hehe. |
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08-08-2004, 07:05 AM
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#94 (permalink) |
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Upright
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Sorry, but he best still is when she looked me dead in the eye, with tussled hair, breathing heavy and glowing in the moonlight and let out this lovely "Ohhhhh" and then said "I love you."
Nothing else, regardless of how wild, fun, raunchy, or romantic- has ever come close. |
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08-08-2004, 02:50 PM
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#96 (permalink) |
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This Space For Rent
Location: Davenport, Iowa
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Said while I was "downtown":
"Speak to me here, give me a sign" Her response as she grabbed the back of my head: "Aaaaaaaahhhh!!!! SHUT UP!!!!" It kinda runied the mood cuz I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. She didn't think it was quite as funny. |
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08-09-2004, 08:51 AM
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#97 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: northeast mo, central il somewhere round there
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this is FUNNY shit...... (a little scary though!)
My guy and i were fuckin and i'm all into it and cummin and all that, and he says, " Oh girl I just had my first 3some I think!" My chihuahua named Tequila had come up behind him and was lickin his ass!!!!! LMAO The next day he showed up with a present for my dog, NONE for me. We now know who was better in bed OUCH!!!! |
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08-10-2004, 08:47 AM
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#98 (permalink) |
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Cautiously soaring
Location: exploring my new home in SF
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Heard:
Get your camera said: huh? Heard: GET YOUR FUCKING CAMERA said *quietly*: I left it in Jimmy's truck Heard: are you fucking kidding me? said: no, sorry  heard: well at least put some music on then (this happened more than once, and every godamn time I didn't have my fucking camera, I am still pissed) various other things too "get on the floor" "no sit up" "wait lay back down" "don't fucking move" etc. I'll post more as I think of it (or it happens w00t!)
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Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu |
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08-10-2004, 12:39 PM
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#99 (permalink) |
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<Insert wise statement here>
Location: Hell if I know
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Let me see...
First girl I was with-"Your bigger than most of the other guys I've been with." That statement made me kind of nervous. Current girlfriend- "Don't let it get on the sheets" Me-"Huh?" Her-"Get me a tissue" Me-"You get it, Im exhausted" We had be going for about an hour and a half.
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Apathy: The best outlook this side of I don't give a damn. |
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08-10-2004, 04:06 PM
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#100 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: Nelson, New Zealand
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Many years ago::
Her: Oooooh, Ahhh... (usual sounds...) (bonk, bonk, bonk...) Her: I'm nearly there honey, don't stop... (bonk, bonk, bonk...) Her: Oh my God, Andrew, you are sensational... (all stop - deathly silence) Her: Oh shit... I never bothered to find out who Andrew was. Fairly recently:: Her: dont stop... a little to the right... no, um.. left... no my left... your right... whatever... just don't stop... Made me smile.
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Error. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) |
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08-20-2004, 06:31 PM
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#101 (permalink) |
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Cautiously soaring
Location: exploring my new home in SF
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Heard: I'm coming, dont' stop
Heard (after the coming): If you want to have sex you better do it now because I'm falling asleep. (Thanks Scarletletter!) lol
__________________
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it. --Mark Twain Do What makes you happy --Me BUT! "Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu Last edited by ruggerp11; 08-23-2004 at 08:16 AM.. |
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08-23-2004, 11:03 AM
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#102 (permalink) |
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Upright
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Me: Getting the best blowjob ever.
She: (usual sounds) Me (seconds before I'm coming): Yessss! Yeeeesss! Ohhhh Tina TINA TIIINAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! (awful pain!) She: I'm Lisa. And now get the fuck out of here. Me: Dress. Leave. Going to the next doctor who sents me to a hospital. Once bitten, twice shy... |
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08-23-2004, 09:41 PM
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#103 (permalink) |
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Crazy
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I'm recieving a blowjob from my gf and right as I cum she takes a breath and I bust all over her lips and a little in her mouth. She always swallows but was caught a little offguard at this time and she freaks out. She lifts up grabs my dick, and places her thumb over the opening, looks at me and says "Oops..." I Love her so much, it was so funny/ cute.
Granted, I have no idea where all the cum came from, I still sware to this day that I have never cum more than I did that evening. |
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08-24-2004, 05:46 AM
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#105 (permalink) |
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I am Winter Born
Location: Alexandria, VA
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Just out of curiosity, as someone who has (knock on wood) never said one girl's name while with another:
How do you confuse the names? Are you thinking of the other girl during sex, or does it just accidentally slip out? |
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08-24-2004, 11:21 AM
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#106 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: South Carolina
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pragma..I've never said another girl's name out loud during sex, but i've noticed that when i'm about to say a girl's name, someone else's name comes to mind first. I don't know why, i'm not thinking of anyone else, but other names just pop in the mind. I think it's just that i don't really think of names while i'm in hte throws of passion. It's more of just whatever name pops up first, then i have to looka nd doublecheck...
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Live. Chris |
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08-25-2004, 06:33 AM
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#108 (permalink) |
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Upright
Location: near minneapolis
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Said: Where do you want me to go, baby?
Heard: Back Down... Said:Mmfmfmfmffffmmfmm ********************* Said: holy shit, we've been going at it for an hour Heard: yeah. and we both still have our socks on ********************* Said: how many times did you just come? Heard: like three or four Said: cool, wanna go get some chinese food Heard: Yeah!!
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i've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell! |
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08-31-2004, 11:12 PM
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#111 (permalink) |
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Oh shit it's Wayne Brady!
Location: Passenger seat of Wayne Brady's car.
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This girl and I were in a position where we were both sitting up, but she was kind of on top of me. We were really goin' at it, and I dunno why, but I looked at the whole situation and thought of her riding me like a horse, so I said, "Ride 'em cowgirl!" She stopped and started laughing HYSTERICALLY. She then looked at me and said, "Haha, you killed it!" I looked her in the eyes with a deep passion and said, "No, I didn't. We're just getting started......Cowgirl!" and I guess that second reference to my little in-sex joke was enough for her to kiss me passionately and the rest of our hump-session was WILD. From then on, my nickname for her was always "Cowgirl." It was cool, 'cause I could call her that in front of her friends and family and they didn't have the slightest idea what I was referring to.
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