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pappymojo

Not knowing you or him, I can only offer limited advice. First of all, it's your own opinion that matters most. Secondly, confidence is sexy. The more confident you are in yourself, the better you will look and the better you will feel.

So, take what he said with a grain of salt. He is your boyfriend so I assume that he finds you attractive. He had had a couple of drinks so take his words not as negative blows but as helpful points of reference.

It is great that you are in shape and that you have a flat tummy (yum!). How long have you had the scars? If they are still relatively new, I have heard that massaging the area can help reduce the appearance of scars. Perhaps this is something your boyfriend can help you with. :-)

I don't know too much about bags under the eyes.

My recommendation is live a healthy lifestyle. Get enough sleep. Eat plenty of fruits and veggies. Get some sun (but don't overdue it). Exercise and sweat a little bit. Smile and be happy.

A lot of times the mental thing ties in with the physical thing. If you are feeling down, you look down, and then because you look down, you feel even more down and on and on it spirals.

The cool thing, though, is that if you feel up, then you look up, and because you look up, you start to feel even more up and on and on it goes in this direction.

So simply put, my advice is to believe in yourself and to start to feel good. It's spring time!!

filtherton

It's really easy to sit here and tell you that you're fine the way you are and that you shouldn't need to alter your appearance to conform to some arbitrary definition of beauty. It's another thing entirely for you, or anyone for that matter, to put said philosophy into practice.

I don't know you so i can't really tell why you feel ashamed and worthless. Why do you think you feel ashamed and worthless? Surely you know that the little area under the eyes and stomach scars don't define you as a human being. Maybe you feel like your boyfriend doesn't think that you're attractive? Is this something that might get in the way of your relationship with him or was it just the ramblings of an insensitive drunk?

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Nitrox

2 cents worth.....

Is he the living personification of perfection, or does he have little flaws also? Personally, I can't imagine a partner making those kind of comments, unless they were trying to open the door to divide the relationship.

That, or he is just a selfish dipshit.....

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filtherton

Do you think he actually doesn't find you attractive? If so you may want to consider finding someone who does find you attractive. On the other hand, he may just be a good guy who happens to have insensitive prick tendencies in which case dumping his insensitive ass may not be the right way to go.

The important thing here is for you to come to terms with your appearance and not allow other people to have such a huge impact on the way you feel about your body and yourself. I know that's not nearly as simple as it sounds, but you have to start somewhere. Just realize that nobody is perfect when it comes to mind and body. We all have our own issues and very few people are satisfied with their bodies. It may make you feel better to realize that you're in good shape, which makes you a minority in america.

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filtherton

Now i think you're just being dramatic.

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filtherton

I wouldn't get in bed with someone who showed such a lack of respect for me and my body. I'd tell him to fuck off. But that's not what you did. You gave him a BJ. Obviously he doesn't think you're so repulsive that he doesn't want to sleep with you. If he apologized and sincerely meant it and you can forgive him, then try and move on as best you can. Don't accept his apology and then wallow in self pity.

I don't know your situation. If you think he had a momentary lapse of judgement and you still want to be with him, then forgive him and move on. Don't pretend to forgive him and then use this as leverage in future conflicts. If you don't think you can ever be naked in front of him again, then dump his ass and find someone who won't make you feel worthless. The last thing you should do is sit around and obsess about how ugly you think he thinks you are.

Skettios

SO DUMP HIM!

This guy makes fun of you, so now you're giving him blowjobs all of the time?

Seriously, I don't get it.

__________________
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.

Frederich Nietzsche

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Nitrox

Ahem, I still haven't heard an answer to my original question.

Does he have the perfect body?

The fact that you are obsessed with his viewpoint on you, and you have not once mentioned your viewpoint on him would seem to indicate that you had self-worth issues before this comment was made. You are looking in the wrong direction for an answer here, as the key to this is you feeling comfortable with yourself. Until that happens, nothing he can say or do will change your view of yourself.

Nitrox

Actually, giving him head kind of plays into what I just wrote about self-worth. Damn, I'd be a happy man if my wife blew me after we fought.

In our relationship, if I said something as stupid as your b/f did, I would be relegated to my right hand that evening.

Start appreciating yourself for who you are, as this self-worth issue will follow you irregardless of who you are with.

Bobaphat

The guy was probably just telling the truth. I seriously doubt the advice was given unsolicited anyway. We all could use a little work here and there. Don't be so sensitive

__________________
--size matters not-- yoda

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Nitrox

Bobaphat, I agree entirely. See if my wife ever asks me the question "Does this make my ass look big" again.

I figure if you put the ball on the tee for me and hand me the 1 wood, I'm going to swing away.

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Nitrox

"Well,I told him some truth back... and the truth is he'll never have to worry about hurting his eyes by gazing at my naked body ever again."

Well, you just solved your problem. End of relationship

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Nitrox

"Actually,it's just the end of sex involving full nudity on my part."

As I said, end of relationship. If you can not give your entire self to your partner, you don't have a full relationship.

Nitrox

Although I am going to recommend the b/j thing to my wife as a way to settle arguments. If I get that one to fly I owe you a case of beer

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stingc

I think you're really overreacting. I've known women to ask over and over if they look perfect. Eventually some men can get tired of hearing it, and just say that no, you don't look like a model. So what? He's still with you, so he's obviously attracted to you. That's all that matters.

Everybody has a couple of flaws, and its illogical to get so upset because they were pointed out (probably after you hounding him about it). Don't blow this out of proportion.

Nitrox

dear god woman, would you just stop and listen to yourself. This is a pure self worth issue. If I was with someone and they said they didn't like specific things about my body I'd kick them the hell out of the door. There is nothing more "submissive" (for lack of a better word) than stripping away the outer shell and showing your partner who you are in the flesh and blood. For that other person to to disparage that act in the way your b/f did is a completely separate issue about his feelings towards you.

I feel like I'm missing something, as I can't believe that you admit you'll still give him head. Christ on a stick, go find someone that treats you with a little respect.

Redlemon

Hi, uptown, me again. I've been reading you for at least half a year now, and things don't seem like they are getting better for either you or your man (is this still the same guy?). I still see three possiblities:
1) He is emotionally abusing you.
2) You have very low self-esteem.
3) Both 1 and 2.

I really think that some psychological councilling could do you a world of good. Either you will be stronger in this relationship, or you can dump him and be better in the next. Please, I hate to see you continue to be hurt like this.

__________________
I can't read your signature. Sorry.

SecretMethod70

can't say I'm particularly familiar with your posts/problems, but I agree with redlemon.

Listen, there are plenty of things I could say"aren't perfect" about onodrim and plenty of things she could say the same for me. I don't think our relationship has any basis on the ruse that either of us are perfectly attractive.

Perhaps your boyfriend, just like you, looks at the whole package as far as attractiveness. So, he said you have bags under your eyes. But that doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive at all. It just means you have bags under your eyes. Big deal - so do a ton of people.

I think - and again, I'm not familiar with your previous posts offhand - that he was simply saying what you should do if you wanted to try and be "perfect." Well, no one's perfect, and I think if he expected you to be he wouldn't be with you.

There's a big difference between a relationship based on a dream world wheer you don't acknowledge the fact your partners not perfect and a relationship based on the reality that neither of you are perfect and love BECAUSE of that fact, rather than in spite of it.

Of course, there's always the possiblity that he's just a complete jerk in which case you should dump him, but to be honest, based on your posts in this thread, I get a much bigger "self-esteem problem" vibe.

__________________
Le temps détruit tout

"Musicians are the carriers and communicators of spirit in the most immediate sense." - Kurt Elling

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CinnamonGirl

*scratches her head* He mentioned some "problems" and now you aren't going to have sex? That doesn't sound like a good deal. I guess if you're fine with just giving him oral, then more power to you...but what about YOUR sexual needs?

Personally, I think scars are sexy, and I know I'm not alone in that. Every scar has a story, and it's usually a damn good one.

__________________
"...for though she was ordinary, she possessed health, wit, courage, charm, and cheerfulness. But because she was not beautiful, no one ever seemed to notice these other qualities, which is so often the way of the world."


"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?"

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WarWagon

Wow, what a dick. If he has a problem with the way you look to the extent where he tells you what plastic surgery you should have done... you deserve MUCH better than that.

Yakk

uptown, what if he was saying "You are so perfect, that the only way to make you better, would require surgery." Girl, people would kill to be that good looking.

There are parts of you that are not perfect. He told you what the least perfect parts of your body are. For this, you have refused to let him ever look at those less than perfect parts of your body.

Is he supposed to find every part of your body perfect? Or, is he supposed to lie, and tell you every part of your body is perfect?

Something can be both beautiful and imperfect. Hell, perfection itself can marr beauty. Ask him if you are beautiful.

__________________
Last edited by JHVH : 10-29-4004 BC at 09:00 PM. Reason: Time for a rest.

Fallon

Just from the reading in this, as Nitrox said, it seems you've got some self-worth issues. Now, I'm midly overweight, and got plenty of stretch marks. I hate them with a passion and you rarely ever see me without a shirt on. I've always feared someone commenting about them or making fun of me because of them, as if someone was like, "haha, you can't take care of yourself so you got fat and blah blah". Recently though, I've gotten over them. Now though, I've gotten better and you might see me without a shirt one day this summer instead of none =p. My fiancee has said some things about my body, and I've said some about hers. We use these as things to work on, or work through.
I think you should love yourself before you try to love someone else because it appears that you might be lacking on that.

stingc

I really doubt he said he doesn't want to see you nude anymore. That's your interpretation, and even without knowing either of you, I would bet good money that that's not at all what he meant.

I'm sure you knew that you had these imperfections. I sure know what's visually wrong with me. If someone pointed out my "problems" to me, my response would be "I know." That's it.

I think the most unnattractive thing you're doing is acting like this. Again, since he's with you, I'm sure he is attracted to you - all of you. Why would he want to have sex if you repulsed him? Why would he stick around if you made him sick? Your view makes no sense.

If a girl I was with had such a poor self-image as you're showing here, I might consider leaving her just for that. If you can bring yourself not to be bothered, I'm sure your "silent and strained" situation would clear up right away. He certainly wishes he never said anything, so the burden is on you to forget about it.

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lisa

Look, if he would find you repulsive or disgusting in any way, he'd probably wouldn't sleep with you in the first place... And if you really were that offended by it, than just dump the guy, or take a very mean, and low, revenge...

But I agree with what was said here above somewhere, that he probably didn't mean it in such a bad way at all... Some guys --including my own bf-- just don't really know how to be all that tactical... and they say things in a way that makes them sound awful, while they didn't really mean it like that...
Women --including myself (sometimes!)-- tend to overreact at remarks on their appearances... this setting up a whole circular proces which could totally be avoided at the beginning...

Off course, if he IS completely destroying your self-esteem, as you say he does, you do not have to stand it, right, just fight back, or if that doesn't help, maybe you should just dump him...
I can't imagine what fun you can have out of a relationship that does nothing than making you feel bad?

Bamrak

Uptown,
If you think he is the issue, then dump him. End of conversation. I'm going to agree with the others. Why not take some time away from him, and get some counseling? You seem to have some serious issues with yourself; here is my unofficial take on it, since you did ask for help ( sorry folks, this may be a long post)
If you cannot look at him, leave the relationship. he isn't worthy.

Then you need to leave him. this is the second instance in two posts about your confidence.
Correct, leave him and find a lover that doesn't make you feel like that
You've mentioned this almost every reply.
... never-mind, I'm not going to quote all this, since it's basically the same thing..

You need to work on or consider the following things:

1. To me it seems your confidence is in the negative and was NOT much higher before this. You mention that you have to work toward confidence, this is not normal for the majority of the populace. Could possibly your confidence in yourself rub off on the relationship? I know it would for me.

2. From your post you seem to be using sex as a guilt trip, if you cannot have sex with him, he is not your lover. leave him or you all need to change, fast

3. Why do you need surgery? Love is, and should be blind. if it is a confidence thing, why not some counseling before hand, I'm sure it's going to be a lot cheaper, and may prove better results. If it is something psychological then when you get your stomach fixed it will be something else.

4. We in NO way can or should make ANY decisions for you. You should be seeking the guidance of someone that is not emotionally involved or someone who will not take a side to help this issue. A pastor or your minister perhaps?

I really hope I haven't offended you, as it was not my intent. I just feel you have some big emotional issues that go alot deeper than just this issue. I had a friend in highschool that had some of the same issues and she did not get any treatment, she commited suicide a couple of years after highschool. She just refused to believe anything was wrong.

Feel free to PM me if I an be of any help.