ally

I was searching for quotes today for my AIM away message and I ran across some funny sex quotes.
I liked
"what's the difference between light and hard?.... you can sleep with a light on!!"
And
"condoms aren't completly safe, a freind of mine was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!"
anyway, what are some of your favorite quips?

JStrider

from our very own WK

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-=JStrider=-

~Clatto Verata Nicto

Confederate

"ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if you don't take it out and use it, it's going to rust"

riskybiz

“I’m in show business. I look at my boobs like they’re show horses or show dogs. You have to keep them groomed.”
Dolly Parton

“The function of muscle is to pull and not to push, except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.”
-Leonardo Da Vinci (1425–1519),

Sex on the beach is great... it just takes too long for a corpse to wash up.

“Oral sex should be an Olympic sport, because it's harder than curling and if you're any good at it you deserve a medal.”

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

"Personally I know nothing about sex because I have always been married."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

"The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting."
-Gloria Leonard

"There's no shortage of pussy- it's just the delivery system that's messed up."
-Dr. Roy V. Schenk

"When the lights are out, all women are beautiful."

"It is not true that sex degrades women... if it is any good."
-Alan Partridge

"Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
-Emo Phillips

"Chastity is curable, if detected early."

"The penis mightier than the sword."
-Mark Twain

"If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast."

"Sex is dirty only if it's done right."
-Woody Allen

"No sex is better than bad sex."
-Germaine Greer

"My husband's German. Every night I get dressed up as Poland and he invades me."
-Bette Midler

"Give a man free hands, and you'll know where to find them."
-Mae West

"The art of life lies in taking pleasures as they pass, and the keenest pleasures are not intellectual, nor are they always moral."
-Aristippus

"Proof is arbitrary... unless we're talking about sexual gratification."

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
-William Shakespeare

"It's the good girls that keep the diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
-Tallulah Bankhead

"Give me chastity and continence- but not yet."
-Saint Augustine

"Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite."

"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."

"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
-Groucho Marx

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant."
-Henry Miller

"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?"
-Bette Midler

"If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter."
-George Carlin

"In the nineteenth century masturbation was a disease; in the twentieth, it is a cure."

"Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin- it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring."
-S. J. Perelman

"It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up."
-Joan Rivers

"From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it."
-Bette Davis

"Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got."
-Sophia Loren

"Every so often, I try to masturbate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not really sure what it means."

"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

"Sex multiplies the possibilities of desire."

"Cunnilingus is next to godliness."
-Kali Nichta

"The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit."
-Nytwind

"I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."
-Woody Allen

"The brain is viewed as an appendage of the genital glands."
-Carl Jung

"My brain is my second favorite organ." -Woody Allen

"Apparently one can temporarily sterilize oneself by heating one's organs in boiling water."
-Annonymous British Teenager

"Some things are better than sex, some things are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it."
-W. C. Fields

"No one has ever died from an overdose of pornography."
-J. Money and P. Tucker

"It'll be a sad day for sexual liberation when the pornography addict has to settle for the real thing."
-Brendan Francis

"A man must be potent and orgasmic to ensure the future of the race. A woman only needs to be available."
-Masters and Johnson

"Healthy, lusty sex is wonderful."
-John Wayne

"I have brains and a uterus, and I use both."
-Pat Schroeder

"Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing."
-Charles Bukowski

"Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself."
-Potter Stewart

"It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be."
-Brigitte Bardot

"An erection at will is the moral equivalent of a valid credit card."
-Alex comfort

"Sex is emotion in motion."
-Mae West

"The angle of the dangle is equally proportional to the heat of the meat provided that the urge to surge remains constant."

"I consider sex a misdemeanor, the more I miss, de meaner I get."
-Mae West

"Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself."

"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer."

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"I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now."
-Groucho Marx

MSD

If God had not intended for man to eay pussy, he would not have made it look so much like a taco.

moonstrucksoul

gracias, for that one, all of those others rocked to.

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Slims

--Me

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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

Slims

Oh, and this thread would not be complete without:

In response to TheDude's horizontal pussy inquiry:

--UnclePhil

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"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." - Winston Churchill

"All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act out their dream with open eyes, to make it possible." Seven Pillars of Wisdom, T.E. Lawrence

wry1

Okay, that one rocked!

Vespertine

Thanks, I got a good laugh out of most of those.

*runs off to share them with some friends*

kazoo

Relative humidity is defined as the tiny beads of sweat which form on the upper lip of your sister as you climax together.

Thong underwear is a reminder to floss after eating.

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There ain't nothin' more powerful than the odor of mendacity -Big Daddy

absence_of_color

"Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie."
-William Shakespeare

From Shakespeare? Awesome.

And as far as the notion of oral.... yeah, baby, yeah!!

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...absent of everything.